self loathing

i hate myself right now...

i hate that ive gained weight from the meds

i hate that my freinds have jobs and i dont

i hate happy people

i hate seeing myself

i hate that i survived

i hate that i dont wanna do anything and ive memorized my walls and ceiling

i hate hating everything :(

GreenTeaHero said...
i hate myself right now...

i hate that ive gained weight from the meds

i hate that my freinds have jobs and i dont

i hate happy people

i hate seeing myself

i hate that i survived

i hate that i dont wanna do anything and ive memorized my walls and ceiling

i hate hating everything :(

I know just how you feel and I've felt that way more than once.

The best thing I can tell you is the way you feel will pass. If I've learned anything

about being bi-polar is I don't feel the same for long, it just feels that way.

 

It's interesting that you said "I hate that I survived" Can I ask what you mean by that?

 

Even if you don't feel much better it was a good thing to write how you are feeling

in your post. I have a notebook I write my feelings in all the time.

I think of it as cheap therapy. But don't hate yourself, you didn't do this to yourself.

Hate the disorder, hate that someone probably pass the gene to you and there was

nothing you had to do with it.

I had a friend who told me almost everyone has a bag of bricks to carry in life and

I guess this is ours and it sucks. It's alright to be mad but if you could find something

to feel good about that would be nice too.

I have to look hard sometimes but it helps from getting too far down.

 

I turned off my A/C and opened a window, it feels really nice.

That's about as good as it might get right now.

 

 

 

  When i get depressed i have to use antidepresants, its the only way to keep me alive i get so dark. Thankfully they pass after a little while and i get back to my manic self. It's allways worse for me at night, for what ever reason.

  Glad you feel better. I cant understand being raped, however i can understand surviving a sucide attempt.  However i try to think of it in a positive light, there is a reason i  am still here.  And so i try to make myself a good friend, father, husband, and good samaritan each and every day i can. I figure i owe a life and i have to work hard to reearn mine.

  Bill 

GreenTeaHero, I hate many of the same things that you do. I absolutely hate not wanting to do anything. I used to be such an avid knitter and needlepointer, and for the past couple of months, I haven't wanted to do anything except sleep. And then unfortunatelyI have to wake up from the sleep. Mornings are, for me, the worst times. I wake up and think, "Oh, no. I'm still alive. And here's another day."

I don't have a job, and I'm not nearly busy enough, despite the volunteer work I do. And even when I'm doing volunteer work, I can't seem to get my mind off how horrible I feel.

I still seem to have the withdrawal symptoms, although they're not quite as bad as they were. The nausea isn't quite as bad, but I still have the shakes. The panic attacks aren't quite as bad and don't last quite as long, but they're still here.

My pdoc's nurse, knowing that I was going on a new drug this weekend--Depakote--suggested that I have someone stay with me this weekend. My estranged husband did, and he was wonderful. So empathetic and kind. I'm so grateful to him. We had some good talks. I hate to have him see me this far down and this vulnerable, but whatcha gonna do? I made it through the weekend without having to check into the psych ward--the pdoc's nurse had alerted the doc on call that I might have to do so--so I don't know if that's a triumph or not. Maybe it would be better to be in the psych ward getting "more aggressive treatment," as the nurse called it, whatever that may be.

I am so sick of feeling sick, GreenTeaHero, so I hear you.

I'm glad you snapped out of it.

I called a few friends after my estranged hubby went home and talked to them and really LISTENED to their problems, and that seems to've helped me, too. For the past few months, I've felt so alienated from everybody and everything, as I feel I'm sliding farther and farther downhill. So it was nice to feel I'd established a connection with some other people who're suffering.

GreenTeaHero, hang in there. We care about you.

Warmly,
Havana

thanks havana. its good to hear that people care :) i can totally relate about motivation , and volunteering, and waking up thinking OH NO im still here...
so you're on depakote too? it was an easy on for me , no weird symptoms... i was happily surprised about that!! and thanks for your reply.

bill, thats hilarious :P you're too funny. so thats how you do it, you only take the antiDepressant when u feel depressed.. got it.. i may try that myself, seeing how this new one works out..
if you dont hear serious issues from me in 3-4 weeks then all is golden with the effexor :P

i totally miss my "good" mania, its been a year now.. :*(