Where I am and might be

You folks are wonderful! I haven't been online for several days because my computer has been giving me fits. But I got online today, and I found your wonderful and heartening notes.

Saw my pdoc today. I was shaking so hard in his office that that definitely made an impression on him. He says it's either the Topamax or it's STILL withdrawal from Lexapro. So, he told me to stop the Topamax. He immediately gave me a Lexapro--it's helped me with depression some in the past, even though he usually insists I just be on a mood stabilizer--and told me to take another at bedtime and one in the morning.

I'm to up my clonazepam dosage and my hyrdoxyzine, to combat the panic/anxiety and the nausea, respectively. And if I wake up tomorrow still shaking as badly as I was today and have the same acute anxiety, I'll have to check into the local psych ward. Let's hope that that doesn't happen.

This is one of the roughest psych times I think I've ever been through. My heart goes out to anyone who's going through as much sheer hell as I am--or who's going through 1/4 or 1/8 or 1/16. You folks have been there for me, and I appreciate you immensely.

Friends of mine who live a lot closer--and I do wish you folks lived near me; we'd probably be good friends!--were utterly helpful today. One even drove me to the pdoc because I was shaking so much. Others fussed over me and took me out to dinner, although I wasn't very hungry. (Topamax has taken away my appetite.) Thank heavens for friends; I only hope I can help them as much.

Thank you again for your friendship and your caring.

Warmly,

Havana

I woke up with less shaking this morning, so I'm not in the psych ward. However, the panic attacks/agoraphobia are hell. I've spent just about all day in bed, dosing myself with hydroxyzine and clonazepam.

I go back to see the pdoc next week. I don't know what he'll be doing for me. He seems utterly flummoxed. So am I.

Thank you, Pebbles, for your kind words.

Havana

Havana,

I always want to reach out and give you a huge hug! I don't deal with physical symptoms well, so it's really hard for me to imagine how miserable this must be. And I can't figure out HOw you cope with everything and are so helpful here. I am impatiently waiting for you to have a better day!

(((hugs)))

Thank you so much for your good thoughts, Mogs. I wish I could have positive thoughts myself, but my thoughts all keep centering on how utterly overwhelming school is going to be for me. Graduate assistantship! Four courses! And me with next to no computer knowledge! And it all starts in a little over three weeks. I have major panic attacks just thinking about it, and I can't get my mind off it.

I ran errands today, and I felt proud of myself for doing so, even though I had panic attacks the whole time.

I have next to no appetite. I don't know if that's left over from the Topamax or what. At least I'm not shaking as badly as I was. Small compensation.

I'm doing very little, other than sleeping and reading. I feel defeated and discouraged. I don't even recognize the person I've become. I seem to've lost my core.

Again, thanks for your concern about me.

Warmly,
Havana

havana - I think the tutorials are SO much more confusing then having someone talk you through it. I'm REALLY good with Word. I used to be a technical / business writer and do software training for an engineering firm.

If you know what you want or need to do, I can talk you through it. The new 2007 version is really frustrating to learn, until you know where everything is.

Send me an email - we can skype chat or meet on HW chat and I can talk you through anything you need to do in Word.