I'm lost. First, I should tell you a little about
myself and situation. I'm 35, married and father to 1 year old twins. I have a muscle disease which limits my abilities. I can't carry the babies, climb stairs well or play on the ground or run around with the babies. This puts a lot of stress on my wife. My father lives with us and helps out a lot. I don't know what we would do without him. Also, I was just informed that I need back surgery and will be out of commission for 6-12 weeks. I'm currently able to take the babies out of the crib and change them, but I can't carry them from one room to the other or to and from the car. I'm sure everyone thinks I am posting to the wrong board, but I felt to understand my situation you needed to know my physical condition.
Now, to the issue. I've been married for just under two years and with my wife for almost 4. When we met we fell passionately in love. She has always had a temper, and has battled depression and PTSD for most of her life. She attempted suicide twice in her early 20s and was hospitalized both times. When she became pregnant, her moods started to swing drastically. I chalked it up to hormones and her history. Our twins were born early and spent a month in the hospital (they are both healthy, now). Once they were born, the mood swings got worse, but it was easy to chalk them up to stress, her history, sleep deprivation and possible postpartum. For months, I took everything she could dish out. She was constantly attacking me for not being able to help and threatening to leave me and take the kids. She is constantly lashing out at me and my Dad. She always thinks we are ganging up on her and not letting her follow her "motherly intuition"
Several months ago, she had her worst episode. My brother had a heart scare and was in the hospital. I went to visit him, and then take our older brother to the airport. She was fine with me going, and said she could handle the babies. She called me at lunch time and yelled at me for not being home to help her with babies. She told me that my brother would be fine and that my other brother could catch a cab to the airport. I was already on my way to the airport and went directly home from there. She lit into me. She again told me I was lazy and I blamed eveything on my disease. I was useless. She then sat down with the babies and began telling them (they aren't speaking yet) that I didn't love them and that soon they would have a step-dad that loved them and could properly take care of them. She kept this up for several minutes and I told her to stop. I leaned toward her (so I wouldn't be speaking at or through the babies) and probably spoke forcefully (I was so tired of being emotionally and verbally abused on a daily basis and this was the last straw). She said I threatened her and our daughter, and was calling the police. I was dumbfounded. She then called my father and told him to pick me up or she was calling the police. She put the kids in the stroller and said she was going for a walk and that I better be gone by the time she got back. Needless to say, I got in the car and drove to a local grocery store parking lot. My father met me there and we discussed what we should do. We called her OB and described what was going on. She suggested we have a P.E.T. come by the house and evaluate her... and most likely put her in the hospital for a 72 hour hold and observation. The idea of doing this scared me to death. Tere were so many possible outcomes. First, no matter what, I felt she would hate me for ever. I haven't said this yet, but I love my wife very much (I wouldn't still be here if I didn't) Since I have a physical handicap, the state could take the kids until they evaluated the situation. So many things went through my head. She called me around dinner time and asked where I was. She then yelled at me for leaving her alone with the babies. I decided that I needed to go home and be with my children. Once the babies were down, she apologized for saying all the "evil" things she said to me and that she "didn't want to be that person ever again". Our family has a history of thinking things will work out on there own. I did nothing that day.
My father was already thinking about
moving out because he was emotionally exhausted and depressed from the abuse he was getting and witnessing the rest of the abuse and arguments on a daily basis. He wrote her a long letter expressing his concerns and sadness about
the situation. It broke his heart to leave the twins, but for his sanity he had to. He told her that he was moving out, but would come by if he was needed, as long as she wasn't in the house. He also said that he would move back in if she received and was in active therapy. She discussed the letter with me and agreed to get help and go to family therapy. She went to an old therapist and was given Lexapro, but nothing else nor do I believe she was completely honest with the therapist (I never liked this particular therapist. she never seemed to deal with the issues... she just wrote prescript
ions) She has gone to 2 out of 6 family sessions and has not seen a new therapist that she promised to see. Oh, and my father moved back in after 2 days... at my wife's request and with her promise to get help.
Sorry for the long post, but I'm so lost and don't know what to do. Here is a sample of her common behavior during any given week.
Threatens to divorce me and take the kids away.
Suggests we move to Europe since we like it there so much (she is european)
Tells me that I need to find a cure for my disease or figure out how to carry the babies (no safe way to do this)
Says she can't take my Dad telling her how to raise the kids (which he doesn't) then thanks him profusely for his help.
She is the main bread winner in the family and will yell at me for not contributing and putting everything on her (I work for a non-profit and own a small company) This is how things were when we met... nothing has changed.
She owns her own company and has hired and fired 3 employees/managers in the first year of operation. The company is constanly in trouble because she is paying her employees more than they are bringing in to the company.
She recently said she was going to get a full time job and let someone else run her company.... that same day she was showing me houses in Europe that we could rent.
She hasn't done it more than twice, but she has raised her hand and threatened to hit me (this just happened recently).
She tells me I'm the best husband and father in the world.... and then will lash out at me several hours later for being useless and the worst husband.
She can spend day in the bed without going to work. She comes out to help with the kids before nanny arrives and then when she leaves.
She eats almost every meal in the bedroom.
I think I have written enough for now... probably too much. But I feel the only way I can get good advice is by providing as much information as possible.
So, my question is what can I do to have her get help? Our family therapist has expressed concern over what she sees as an escalation in my wife's abuse (especially since it has moved to threats of physical harm) She thinks my wife is bipolar, but hasn't seen enough of her to correctly diagnose her (she has heard a lot of the stories from from me) Any help or advice would be appreciated.
Again, sorry for the long post.
Lost
Please excuse my spelling and grammar. With the lack of sleep and all that is on my mind, I'm afraid I've lost a couple of IQ points.
Post Edited (LostNLife) : 11/2/2010 7:17:01 PM (GMT-6)