This is the only place I could ever be totally honest to the core. All smiles and happy faces is me most of the time. I do not put my business out there to everyday people because they simpley don't get it. In fact I am not sure I have ever really broke down and communicated with anyone other than one man in my life and this board. Two things that truely scare me why him and this board I can understand completely. It's anoymous and u can really hash out your feelings.
Anyways I kick myself in the butt all the time because I blame self mostly because most people who know me think I am independant, strong, opinionated, self motivated, hyper, lovable, bubbly, happy caring, honest, would do anything for anyone, and some who think I am an out right BI*** if they make me really mad. More importantly I think its pretty honest self assessment. I also think secret keeper, emotional pain hider and some could just say liar if they knew how I was truely doing inside but lucky me they don't. I have an out right problem with making the world think I am the happiest girl in the world when I am truely dieing inside. I am pissed, hurt, mad, totally insecure, pain staken and heart broken with panic disorders most people have no clue about and which will ever rarely pick up on. I get extremely close to people who love to break my world into a million pieces and walk away but to be totally honest when I feel myself starting to get hurt I cut it off run like hell hang it up start a new life and move on like it never existed. Only to find myseolf months down the road in to deep some where else mistakes made and people to be hurt going what has happened over the last several months. Who am I and what have I done. Doctors call this PTSD. For me PTSD looks like fixing everything temporarley the best you can managing with today blocking the pain only to later have a melt down. I don't know if any of this is clear but it is what it is. Something kinda like a day in my life. Both my boys are being hospitalized for bi-polar ADHD anger severe anxiety issues and what ever else they come up with my mom is starting radiation treatments this tuesday for cancer. Me being the primary care giver. BFF had surgery a month ago and father n law 2 weeks ago and I can't seem to catch my breathe at all. My emotions are all over the darn place but to most people they will see a love striken girl who is so happy she is exploding with hearts floating around her head. Truth is I am out of control emotionally crying nonstop, panicing all the time, mood swinging and wanting to run so fast. First time in my life both my children have been away from me and I am lost. Their doctor which is my doctor to just blately told me my boys were so bad because I am to scared to disipline them. At first I was a lil shocked but instantly I knew she was totally right. I don't because My kids do not do corners or time out because they don't listen because they know outside of that I really can't do anything to them as they so often point out. So I am stuck being affraid of two boys whose father beat the crap out of me and I am the only parent to raise them. Not to mention all the issues I have with their sperm donor from time to time and all the relationships I have lost because of my kids and my lack of kicking their butts. I feelo like my life is a circus a carnival ride that never stops just slows down from time to time. So when someone ask are you ok should I really let em have the real truth? Is it better to just keep putting a fake smile on and actin like your the shinning princess whos love struck just because it's simpler. Oh yeah forgot to mention the amazing allergies that have attacked my body so bad I have lived on steriods and medicine and e.r. visits and eye specialist just to say it's Allergies just a really bad case. I can't sleep because I can't breathe. What does the allergy doctor think when he says oh take no allergy medication at all for 2 weeks prior to appointment? I am thinking really because I can't breathe or see at all with out it you moreon. I mean really do people think or is it totally me I do understand the mans reasoning but hell I will die first if I follow his advice.