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Help. please. pretty sure wife just slipped into a depression. I'm lost here.. please help

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Posted 11/14/2010 4:57 AM (GMT 0)
the subject line says it all folks. I really need advice pronto. I don't know what to do as I'm pretty darn sure my wife just slipped into a depression, and I'm as helpful as a lost ship at sea for her. All she said earlier was all she wants is to be alone. I said if I HAD a place to go, I'd leave her alone for as long as I could be away, which she countered with - "no, I don't want you to LEAVE, I just can't be alone while living in the same house."

We'll see what happens here tonight after I shut this down and go to bed. We've been sleeping separate for about a month or month and a half now - with her out on the foldout in the living room and me in the bedroom. It was her choice to go out there to sleep back then, and has been ever since, regardless of my periodic offer (almost a plea but not quite) for her to return to the bedroom, for her comfort, and because I really miss her.

several weeks ago we talked about a permanent seperation, an annulment perhaps, or worst case a divorce, but not since. She put the decision completely in my hands to do with what I may. There are so many details I have to leave out here just due to time and if I put all of that info here it would be a mile long of text.

Anyway, we've not gotten along, but never argue or fight at all, for at least a few months if not all summer and fall. both of us are unemployed, caretaking a place just outside of Missoula, MT, and winter is coming on. I am sure, given the forum I am posting this in, that I needn't tell you what the effects are of the weather on someone as sensitive as she is to any influences that push her over the edge and into the mental void. I'm really worried about her, and I feel completely helpless here. now, let me clarify a few high points here quick: NO, she is NOT suicidal - ever. I mean this woman is so incredibly intelligent it blows me away. but she has to live with BP in her life as part of her life. It really breaks my heart, to see such an incredible woman with such a difficulty of no fault of her own.

folks, everyone, I honestly don't know that I'm up for the long term commitment that it takes to care for a BP wife for life. I'm honestly scared of my lacking of abilities. She's up, so I'm going to head to bed now, but I am here seriously calling for any input, advice, help, and any education you may have for me. I know a lot about the illness, the SEVEN different meds that she never misses a dose of, and so forth. we're pretty knowing, well educated folks here, up until I am put in this position. I hope I can contact our old priest from a former church we used to go to years ago who had a BP sister. She asked me never to tell anyone, but I did confide in him her illness, and he was very helpful and comforting. he also helped with the very beginning stages of marriage. yes, it was I who proposed to her - three years ago - 6-19-07. and ever since she has agressively "scolded" me for ever asking her. I never knew she was in what she refers to as her "manic" state at the time. to me what she calls "manic" I would call perfectly normal for anyone who does NOT have BP.

anyway, goodnight. I pray constantly, with many tears for this many years of some way to improve both our lives. I don't know what to do. I need to live a life myself that fulfills what I want, and not be so endlessly restricted in a relationship such as this. I know some of you will scorn me for saying that, but that is what my wife has been saying for at least two years now. one last note - This incredibly caring woman has literally saved my life a few times since we ever first met. under her "watch" of the past two years of medical fiascos, I've had SEVEN brain surgeries, tallying a total of NINE over the past twelve years. I am a brain cancer survivor as a direct result of her care, and one other lovely woman for the first brain tumor saga back in '98 & '99. ten years of sheer bliss after that, with my earning multiple college degrees, rodeo'n rough stock, and living life huge, then last spring, yee 'ole tumor came back for a visit. and it wasn't smili'n 'bout it. nor was I. so, yeah, I'm post TBI, with what my neuro-oncologist describes as PTSD in addition to a tough life emotionally with my wife.

Endless appreciation again goes out to all willing to lend a hand here. much obliged. Thank you.
Chuck
Posted 11/14/2010 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Chuck !

Will try and comment, your situation is a difficult one.
It was a low blow for your wife to say you shouldn't have married her when she was manic. That must have hurt.
It does take a super-hero type to manage a spouse with BP and depression. I wouldn't blame you if you decided that it was not the life you want. Especially since it seems the relationship has gone to hell in a handbasket.
You can never tell if a depressed person is suicidal or not, the thoughts come and go. It has nothing to do with intelligence, infact, the more intelligent you are, the more successful one will probably be at suicide when the time comes.
Where can she go to be alone, as in moving out? With a friend or relative? Might be good for her. Get her out before the snow hits.
Seven meds would sound like they should do the trick, but since they are not, maybe its time for a second opinion, ECT, starting over from scratch. A long and difficult task.
Since you are both un-employed, what do you do all day?
Depressed people act like themselves when they are "at home", and isolate because they just can't muster up the energy to be congenial. Home is the safe, comfort zone.
Have you sat her down, told her how llonely you are for her, that you miss her? Can you do some hugging/holding, warm soft sincere kisses? Maybe she won't let you. If you can it speaks volumes.
I think talking to that priest is a good idea. Or, just go somewhere else where you can talk to a compassionate person who will listen to both sides of the situation.
You have been thru a lot yourself, don't know what TBI is, but 9 brain surgeries is really something. You deserve to enjoy your life too. Maybe it is time to move on, or just change things. She doesn't probably remember talking about a divorce, doesn't have the strength to think about it, let alone act on it. Maybe marriage ISN"T for her. Sorry
Faith, hope, prayer are all good to keep you going. Sooner or later you need to act.
Hope this helps some. Not a professional, just been around the block many times.
Best wishes,
Posted 11/14/2010 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
Chuck,

You are in such a difficult spot with so much going on and medical needs on both sides.  It is like the marriage has just been overwhelmed by dealing with illness and you haven't had a chance to build something strong.  If you both want out of the relationship and it will make each of you healthier emotionally to end it, then that seems like it might be a good direction.  However, I am sure you have practical concerns about where to live and how to take care of the things you are each doing for each other.  If she is this depressed, then I would not think it would be a good time to be making any serious decision.  I agree with the advice to talk to her psychiatrist about the symptoms worsening and possibly get a second opinion.  I would make sure there is as much light as possible in your home - you may have one of those light boxes for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I know that doesn't help with the cold. 

Any leads for either of you on the employment front?  Does it take a lot of work to caretake the place you are in, and is that enjoyable at all?

Glad you wrote.

Sun

Posted 11/16/2010 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Sandy. Much to my delight, she did not go completely away mentally. But did meet with her shrink again today. The last time she met with this person, she ended up cussing me into the ground and throwing the pieces of her new cell phone at me after breaking it into pieces by hand. First time in my life for that. and I am wanting it to be the last. So, we're back to not talking, barely recognizing my presense unless she needs something that only I can provide - answers to questions she doesn't know the answers to, etc. The usual. No big exlosive experiences like after her previous shrink visit.

Anyway, I am so tired of complaining about her, and always wanting different/better in my life. someone to do things with. even take a walk like we used to. or something as simple as sitting and talking, but that possibility fell by the wayside years ago, and she simply doesn't want to be communicative in these states of mind she gets in, for a very long time.

I wish she was able to find someone who would taper her off all the crap meds she's been on for years and just put her on yee 'olde wacky weedus or something. I've heard there is no easier, or more legal place to get it than here in Missoula, MT. There are shops all over town selling it, just like any grocery, only you need a card or something.

I don't feel like sitting here all night typing stuff, so I'll just post what minimally informative I've already written and make supper now. for me. she might eat my good food, or make some crap "comfort food" for herself (a.k.a. brownies, fudge, cake, whatever is most unhealthful to be had easily). I'm making breaded chicken (skinless of course), with veggies and perhaps cranberry juice if desired.

oh, by the way, I do NOT partake in any illegal substances, and never have my whole life, but I mentioned that earlier because she has, and is a wonderful, healthy, productive woman when she's only taken, as she says, "one or two tokes."

Also, Sandy, TBI stands for "Traumatic Brain Injury."

Chuck
Posted 11/16/2010 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sun, I didn't notice you posted until I just hit the go button on that last post I just did, but want to let you know quickly that I very much appreciate your words also, and here are a few quick answers:

no, the place really requires no particular maintenance. as a matter of fact, I think it could be fine for the winter until the owners return April 1st by just turning off the lights, turn down the furnace to non-freezing level, close 'n lock the door, hide the keys in the garage, and go live wherever I, she, or we would like to. I don't have the opportunity to discuss any of this with her. But she and I have been actively seeking employment. I am seriously looking forward to meeting with the VocRehab rep, but sadly that is not until Dec. 13th. it was the earliest they could get me in. It is things like that that my honey not only knows all about, but used to urge me to go do, just in case I caught the lazy bone and begin to prefer to sit in front of a movie, which is the only thing she does anymore - watch movies any moment she is not in bed.

oh well. Only time will tell. my hands seems so tied all the time, which is why I originally wrote about being lost or something.

Chuck
Posted 11/16/2010 1:32 AM (GMT 0)
Well, hope it goes well with the voc rehab. Its something anyway. For the future.
Too bad about the wife cussing YOU out at the pdoc, were you actually in the room? I'm surprised she would allow that, if so, and wonder if she chooses that route to communicate to you, reading you the riot act in an area of relative "safety" ? Which makes sense in a crazy kind of way.
Is there any validity to what she said?
Any clue as to what went on today?
Any possibility of going with her and telling the pdoc how you feel about all these meds that are hardly being managed, just re-ordered for so long.
Can you bring up to the pdoc about medical marijuana? We aren't allowed to discuss illegal substances here, but since it is legal in MT, maybe that would help her.
What do you think would happen, what she would do, if you were NOT there?
Good for you, cooking healthy, gotta take care of yourself.
Makin me hungry gotta go.
Wishing you well,
Posted 11/16/2010 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
This is a situation where at this point you might each be healthier if separated.  She is looking for a job which implies functioning at some level.  And I think you said she has encouraged you to get separated.  You can't stay in a marriage bound by how sad you feel about someone's illness if there is nothing else there.  The ideal would be if you two could go to some couple's counseling.
Posted 11/16/2010 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hey there, you don't know me.....but I hear you. She's pushing you away, she's probably screaming inside for help. It's nice that you're looking for answers. All you can do is be there. You can actively look for a good therapist, or support group so you have their numbers handy when she's ready to accept help. My husband didn't know what to do when I shut down. He was almost as lost as I was. But he never avoided me, when things got to much for me he let me be in our bedroom. He'd come lay with me and watch whatever I had on the TV. He pushed in his own ways, even now...If I stayed up in one room, he'd stay in that room too. Even if he just slept in the chair next to me. He tried not to pry but I know he worried. sometimes he'd just ask if it was ok to lay with me, or if he could just hold me....It may be hard for her to let you in. Just remind her that you're there, ask if she'd like some tea or hot chocolate...give her small opportunities to interact without pressure. I'm sorry if this is no help at all, but hang in there.
Posted 11/16/2010 3:18 PM (GMT 0)
"She's pushing you away, she's probably screaming inside for help."

Yes. I don't know why this disease makes me say, "Leave me alone." when I desparately want to say, "Please wrap me up in a huge hug and don't let go."
Posted 11/18/2010 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all thus far in my saga of self-sanity preservation. Tortoise, you nailed it with the "Leave me alone" comment. It's all I've ever heard when she's on the lower point of the pendulum swing. Or, it's more like a sine wave form. I would sure love to, as you wrote, "Please wrap me up in a huge hug and don't let go." As I am a very affectionate guy, one who loves physical contact - not just in the bedroom, but anytime and often. I hope like crazy I can find a honey someday who is on the same page as me for longer than just the "in love" time. If any of you have ever read what is, in my opinion, a very golden and perfectly written book called "The Five Love Languages", so much of that book applies to me and to us. It sure makes someone want to change, even though popularly accepted thought is "people don't change", I always have had an innate feeling deep inside that someone can change if the desire is truly there.

Anyway, I am convinced, without ever having teh opportunity of conversation with her anymore, that we're through. I wanted so badly, yeah, this is ME saying this, but I wanted so bdly NOT to follow my dad's and my brother's footsteps of failed marriages. I wanted only to have this amazingly wonderful, fun, loving, caring woman in my life for the remainder of my time here on earth. That is a completely different and incorrect comparison however, as they both cheated on their wives, and I never have even wanted to. I've been unquestionably faithful to my honey since we ever first met. I can't imagine trying to balance two people in my life, I am having a hard enough time with the one I have now.

So, it is onto researching annulment info again. over dinner out a few weeks ago she said right off the bat, real calmly, that she would be plenty willing to have an annulment due to my love and life in the Catholic Faith. Believe me, I was very relieved she felt that way. It is a heck of an undertaking from what I've learned so far, but not impossible. It supposedly takes almost a year also to finalize. We'll see. RATS. what a bummer to see, know, feel, and experience something fail that is of no fault of your own, yet you put so much into it. Five years seems mighty short in number, but long when under circumstances such as these.

At least she went to her dental appt. a bit ago after I got that mess cleared up with her workplace so she would be covered. they recently changed companies and probably sent her a letter she never opened or something. No more complaining from me. Doesn't solve anything. sorry to make this into my rant thread. Just a mite irritated sometimes, need to let that out occasionally.
Chuck
Posted 11/18/2010 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
Good place to let it out Chuck.  You sound more resolved to end it than you did in your earlier post, like you have given up at this point.  Do you think she is signalling she is o.k. with ending it to protect you from feeling tied to her anymore, or because she wants to end it too?

 

Posted 11/18/2010 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
Don't understand why you are preferring an anullment to a divorce, but thats your business. I would want it over with, legally, ASAP.
It was a difficult situation and decision for you to make. You didn't fail, the marriage didn't work. Happens. As you said, you gave it your all. I am familiar with the five love languages, and am impressed that you are too. Your wife is losing out. Too bad. You seem like a great guy.
Good luck to you,
Not sure if you will be back,
Feel free to come back, you are always welcome to vent here.
Posted 11/19/2010 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Wow. What impresses me the most is that you show that you care. As a woman I would say that you should tell her how much you care for her and be there for her. Women need to know when all goes wrong there is a strong man there to make it all better. It is probably her disability that is causing her to distance herself from you but I know that she needs to feel that you are there unconditionally for her. I imagine there is a sense of embarrassment on her part. This is a scary thing. I have a bipolar husband who also has cancer. Talk about a double whammy! Extra stress is magnified in these situations. Be strong. It sounds like you are a wonderful person. I hope it all works out for you.
Posted 3/26/2011 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everybody, I know it's been forever since I've visited. I only come here when I am most frustrated. What a joy to read, eh? Anyway, my wife, having gone through a very closed up hell all winter in Missoula, MT with me in the same house as some of you may recall, has successfully, Thank God, detoxed herself - yes with professional guidance, of all of that crap so many different docs had her on except one. She is still on Trileptal twice a day, but small dose each I think.

In MY opinion, she is doing fantastic, but in her constant - ever present - negative attitude about HERSELF, she is not doing that good. Anyway, we are now living in Laramie, WY and she has done a very commendable job looking for, finding, applying for, interviewing for, and even getting a job. it has been a massive blow to her self esteem, which was near nonexistent anyway, as this job is only $10 pathetic dollars an hour. It also will likely limit her from freelance work in the area, as the new job is a mix schedule of rotating shifts and such.

We're still struggling, and don't show any love for each other, but am living together right now ONLY for financial reasons. She needs me for what little tiny bit of income my disability benefit check provides. we've agreed to completely split al expenses down teh middle, regardless of who spent how much on what. with a huge $4500 total Credit card debt, I kept telling her she would be on the losing end of that deal, but she wants to stick by her decision anyway. what bites is we have to wait until one of us has been a resident for 60 days before we can file for a divorce. She will be able to claim residency before me as she starts work Monday, and being employed is one of the req's. (http://www.co.albany.wy.us/motor-vehicle.aspx) AND we find a place to rent. That is no easy task for two people and a dog in this town.

But anyway, more often than not she puts the decision on ME to figure out whether to file for divorce or not. Oh, and TTU, an Annulment follows a divorce, and it's ONLY purpose is so each of us can remarry in a Catholic church again. Not to each other obviously. So, four days ago she sent me the link to the packet to fill out and she was wondering which one of us should be the plaintiff. immediately followed by her stating if I am then she'd look bad, but if she was, well, she'd still look bad. then she said (written thankfully in an email so I can always have that as personal proof) that she will, and I quote here: "again, I'll have to take the hit with the mental illness stuff -- which is private and personal. We'll need to to more info on this if annulment is the way you want to go -- benefits: it will keep your Catholic record clean as you seem to come from a "by the book" Catholic family. If just getting this done is the goal, a straight divorce will leave us both equally responsible with neither getting blame." (Long quote, sorry!)

That was March 23rd. lately though, all has been rather amenable and peaceful. Sometimes neither of us wants to give up but neither of us wants to be around the other either. just no good of a situation at all. But we both know well and fully realize it would be best for us to go our own ways. She has,ever since being my incredibly capable, competent, and extremely loyal at my best side caregiver all through two years of Brain Tumor Hell/Surgery x7/Meningitis x5, always attributed nearly anytime she is upset with me to that experience.

At the very least, we came up with a mutual budget to make life a bit easier, where we are both contributing equally to all expenses. So, we'll see what occurs come 'round the 60th day of being here.

Thanks for the listen'n time, and will check in some time again. :) take care,
ME
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