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does it ever change?

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Posted 11/16/2010 3:25 PM (GMT 0)
I was hoping I wouldn't need to come back here. Every day is a struggle, just trying to feel normal. I don't know what that really is anymore. I'm changing meds again trying to find a cocktail that works. Somthing that doesn't leave my emotions so exposed and raw. I fight crying everyday, I dig my fingernails in my palms when everything seems too overwhelming, which is often. It beats doing what I want to do. I want to inflict pain with sharp objects like I used to, though I've been good, its hard to hold back. The more stress I feel the worse it is and the sad thing is...things are relatively easy right now, compared to normal.
Has lithium ever worked for any of you? How high of a dose
did you need to be effective? Does this ever get easier?
I always feel broken, a shell of who I am. How do I ever get that back?
Posted 11/16/2010 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
You're on a really low dose of Lamictal/Lamotrigine? Are you working your way up? That was my wonder-drug and Seroquel added in for the elevated moods..

Are you on an anti-anxiety for the feeling of being overwhelmed?

How do you get back a feeling of yourself? Start by defining who you are - or who you remember yourself to be.
Posted 11/16/2010 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry.....I'm in a medication switch right now.
I'm now taking 600mg Lithium working up to 900mg
tapering off sequel now at 100mg instead of 700mg
Temazepam 30mg supposed to help me sleep (doesn't really help me to sleep but the 100mg of sequel along with it help a little)
Lamotrigine 100mg
Posted 11/16/2010 10:15 PM (GMT 0)
I think lithium is a miracle drug and strongly reccommend it. I could not take lamactil it made me so angry and aggresive it was scary. I took paxil for anxiety but everyone is different. Good luck
Posted 11/16/2010 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
I am afraid I can't be much help on the question "Does it ever get better?" as I am right there with you, although I do not feel tempted to hurt myself.  And I must say it has gotten some better from where I was this summer and earlier in the year as the medication has slowly taken effect and stabilized me. Part of my not getting better is the situation I am in.

In terms of medication, I do take lithium - 600 2xday so 1200 a day total.  Higher than that made me toxic, but that is so individualized and I am highly sensitive.  I am also on lamotrogine - 150 2xday, risperidone 2mg 2xday, halcion for sleep, vyvanse, and thyroid medication.  I hate - hate - being on so much medication but it has been added thoughtfully and carefully and it has stabilized me.  I do think that the combination of lithium, lamotrogine and risperidone has been very helpful for me.

Glad you are staying away from hurting yourself.  When you say you are a shell of who you are, when did you last feel like who you are?

Sun

Posted 11/17/2010 12:40 AM (GMT 0)
It has been so long I'm not even sure. I became a self mutilator when I was 12 or so....the things that had happened to me were affecting me in ways that I've only started to understand now. My teens had their own demons and I was hospitalized/committed when I was 16 after being raped. I survived.....but things kept happening that are too long to explain. But I still felt it was nothing I couldn't handle. it was probably shortly after my daughter was born when I was 25 that i started falling apart. Nothing having to do with her but the rest of my life just became more than I could cope with. The past always catches up with you. She and my son are the only reasons that I don't cut myself or run my car into a wall, but that doesn't mean I don't constantly think about it. I was diagnosed bp this year and a lot of things fell into place. Now I'm just trying to cope, until I'm strong enough to face the nightmares. Compartmentalize as my Dr's say eventually I'll be able to. do.
Posted 11/17/2010 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for sharing all of that Not2L8.  That is a lot to come to terms with and I don't have to tell you that it is a process.  It does sound like you have an understanding dr., and the new medication combination he/she is building you up on is promising.  My dr. told me it can take weeks before one fully feels the effect of the medications once you are on the full dosage.  I do think that has been the case for me.  So there is hope there that things will get better.  And I do understand about children being what keeps you going - it has been the same for me.
Posted 11/17/2010 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
I've probably had 5 or 6 medication changes this year. It sucks, there's really not a better way to put it. Some have made life tolerable but only briefly....they just kept me flying low but functioning. Others have made me sick or simply let the pain consume me. The past several years I've run below the line happiness, just not able to grasp it, except for the occasional high that never lasted more than a day or so. I know it exists, I just don't remember how it feels. I see others joking and having a good time and I wonder why I just can't get there.
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