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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 12/22/2010 4:39 PM (GMT 0)

Some History:

My wife has Lupus which I knew when we married 11 years ago. I understood the limitations of her Lupus was going to prevent me from doing some of the things I used to really Enjoy, like Rafting, going to the lake/pool, sunbathing etc. I was kind of a  sun worshipper type, really enjoyed being out and about in summer, but I loved her and was willing to make those sacrifices to be with her.

Today:

My wife has been Diagnosed Bi-polar with Depression and Alcoholism all in the last 2 years. She joined AA and has been pretty good about going to meetings at least once per week and has 9 months sober (not clean, she regularly smokes pot)

My problem/question is a simple one, I expect the answer to be very complicated. After 2 years I am becoming tired of being the supportive husband. I feel like she is more my roommate than my wife. Our sex life is non-existent now for more than a year. I feel like I am the only one giving anything to this relationship.

I am starting to think it is time to leave. But I don't want to hurt her. I know if I said anything about seperation or divorvce she would go into a tailspin. I understand I am letting these thoughts make me a prisoner, but at what point do I leave? How do I know if it's time to save myself? She is not doing anything bad to me, I just feel like at this point she is merely a roommate who sometimes shares my bed (she has horrible sleep patterns and frequently I sleep alone)

I'm not sure anything I say or do will cause her improve. Sometimes when I help with housework I can see she feels like I am saying "your useless" or "your so bad that I have to do it". I can see the hurt in her eyes even when I am doing things that need doing (after waiting until it HAS to be done in the hopes she will do it)

I apologize for the length of the post. It's my first and I had a lot to get off my chest.

So to summarisze.

How do I know if/when it is time to leave a BP wife? and then what is the best way to do so?

Posted 12/22/2010 5:02 PM (GMT 0)
I have had drug induced lupus (due to remi and humira) and the issues that you are asking about sound much more like that, then bipolar.
Please understand with lupus flaring for me it hurts to breathe, let alone do anything else. The synthetic form of the illegal drug you are speaking of is used in some lupus treatments. (it sounds like the alcohol and depression might be part of the lupus as well)
I wonder if you might think about counseling, but it sounds like you are already on your way out.
Posted 12/22/2010 5:51 PM (GMT 0)
I have not made any decisions as yet. First I'm trying to figure out if I can live the new life I have been given. A wife with Lupus, Depression, Bi-polar, Alcoholism, etc... I guess the crux of my ask is, how do I determine if i can live this new life? I believe loving someone is differrent than being able to live with them. I love my wife, but can I continue to live with her as our life together is now?
Posted 12/22/2010 7:04 PM (GMT 0)
First of all, I apologize for posting here. I usually post in Chronic Pain, but this post spoke to me.

MMMNavy is right. Lupus causes difficulty with activity, and although I do not have lupus, I have chronic pain and understand your wife's perspective.

How2know, you are the only one who can decide when it is time to go. No one else can decide for you, and there is no specific cut off or line that is crossed that means you should leave. If you do decide to leave your wife, I encourage you to seek counseling for yourself to help you through that time. But I also encourage you to go to counseling now before you make your decision. If insurance doesn't cover it or you don't have the money, there are many churches and organizations that provide those services free. You could include your wife or not. That is up to you. I find that talking the issues through and having another pair of eyes and ears to see and hear can help through many difficult times.

Remember though that she is still the lovely woman you married and love even through her Bipolar disorder and pain. Life stinks and throws us many obstacles. I hope you find the direction you are looking for.

Sorry I couldnt be more helpful.

 

Posted 12/22/2010 7:08 PM (GMT 0)
please don't think that I am judging you in any way. I believe everyone has a right to a life. One filled with love, sex, passion. After 11 yrs of marriage that's sometimes hard to maintain in even the most healthy relationships. If you really want it to work, you might try counseling just for you. You need to process what your feeling. If nothing else maybe it will give you the assurance you need that you're doing the best thing for you. What ever that may be.

Good luck.
Posted 12/22/2010 8:15 PM (GMT 0)

 I have been where you are. I was told years ago by a very wise man. He said "when you are ready to leave everything, EVERYTHING, to get out and away, you know that the time has come"

  Living with a person with medical disabilities is very difficult.  My wife in the course of our marriage had a brian tumor, hystrometicy, two knee replacements, diagnosed with severe depression. Sometimes life gives you more than you can handle.

   I got to the point i had to leave. I cant speak for you, it will be something you will know in your soul.

Good luck  Bill

Posted 12/22/2010 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
Appreciate the responses all. I think my best course is to seek counseling to detemine if I truly want to leave or not. Maybe *I* am having a bout of minor depresion at the moment. who knows.... best to get an unbiased opinion from a professional.
Posted 12/22/2010 10:56 PM (GMT 0)
I must say that I am so happy that you are going to consider counseling before you make your decision. Your wife can't help what has happened to her. And I know what you are going through is hard, so I am glad that you are going to take the time and get some support with this matter. I am sure if it were the other way around that you would want her to consider all options. Have faith and take this one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/23/2010 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
 

 I agree, i think you should consider cousling. Trust me, if when you are well and truely done, you can look back and say you did EVERYTHING, then you heart will be much more at peace.

  That is one thing i can say, i fought for 2 years to make it work. When i finally walked away i felt in my heart of hearts that i had truely done all that i could. I have had not one regret in the last almost 5 months since i left.

 Bill

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