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I guess I couldn't stay away.....so many questions

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 4/1/2011 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hello.....
For a quick refresher, I've been diagnosed for almost a year now. Have a long history of sexual abuse as an adolescent. Used self-mutilation to stop the pain but otherwise thrived in most things I did. Up until last year I was able to control the pain I felt. It would seep through every few months but I managed. Then floor fell out from under me. I haven't been the same sense.
Presently......I've had some really good weeks, felt truly happy at home with friends and family. (I'm not cleared for school or work right now) so things are at my pace. Then a week ago I got a text. One question just asking if I would give a patient a massage. (My friends a chiropractor.) I got all worked up about it. Eventually I made up some excuse and told him no. But the damage had been done. I was a mess, everything was smiles and laughter one day and in one moment everything around me seemed to change. (I realize it was or is my perception that has changed) I don't understand why.
It's similar to when I was diagnosed, in that one day I was strong, out-going, aggressive, artistic, athletic ....now I'm a shell of my former self.
Trust me, If I could change it I would. I'd fight if I knew how. But the only thing I know how to do is take my meds, listen to my doctors, listen to my body for cues and triggers. I know those pretty well.
So what now?
Posted 4/1/2011 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know what to tell you. My 16 year old son is battling this right now -- it is all very new to us and I am learning/trying/failing right now as a mom to cope and do the right things to help him. The only thing that I can offer is a prayer for you for strength and hope and the knowledge that you are not alone. I am sending you peace and a hand to hold and hope ...
Posted 4/1/2011 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much......you gave me the very best thing you could give. The knowledge that I'm not alone and that somebody hears me.
Posted 4/1/2011 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
It's good to hear from you again! I left for a few months and check in now occassionally.

I was like that for quite a while. I'd get a med adjustment, be fine...then try to work and get all messed up. I think it happened 4? 5? times in a row. I was so frustrated.

My Dr. finally figured out meds and I'm working now. Don't ever stop believing that it will happen to you. It was 15 months after diagnosis for me.
Posted 4/1/2011 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Tortoise,
I hope this finds you well.
I'm at loss, I have all these expectation of what I should be able to do, then I get anxious and it all goes out the window and I start to cry. I can be alone or with people it doesn't matter. I've recently had to lower my lithium because my levels were too high. (nothing like your Dr calling out of the blue and asking how your feeling) lol
Now I'm wondering if I should get off it all together because I've developed a fine rash that's slightly apparent when looking but obvious when touched. I don't know if it will get worse or stay the same. The idea of a med change makes me cringe.
Anyways I've rambled on enough. Tks for listening
Posted 4/1/2011 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
 Hey there, long time no see. Sorry you are having a hard time. But tortoise is right, you have to stick with it and find what works for you.

   This also means being brutaly honest with yourself, and admiting that maybe you cant do all the things that you want to. I have had to give up alot to find peace with this desease, but now that i have, i am glad i gave them up.

  Someone here once said this should be called tri polar, depression, mania, and normal.  The normal days can trick us and convince us that all is well. But you have to look at life and accept that some days will be up and some will be down. Its knowing when you need to change your life versus just riding it out thats really tough.

   Keep posting, glad to see you back, hope you feel better soon.

 Bill

Posted 4/2/2011 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
I hear you...I just keep finding that even the simple things that I did before, I can't take. I keep waiting for myself to snap out of it. Thinking if I just focus enough I can make myself do it. I try so hard to control it, to not give away what's going on inside my head, or how I feel. It sucks.....its almost been a year and I haven't gotten any better. I can't just think positive so something magical will happen. Where's the pixie dust when you need it. Lol......
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