this can't be my life

I feel like I have walked into some dream/nightmare. I'm a fraction of the person I was. In the way I act, the way I feel...everything. I can see the changes and I know others do to. My therapist thinks that I should accept this person that I vehemently despise. But instead regard her/me as who I am now instead of who I was before....only a year ago. I don't know how to find my way back from this place inside me.

 

   If you are on meds, you will change. It cant be helped, those meds are very powerful and are directly affecting our brain chemistry.

   But you also have to ask yourself if the person you were was who you wanted to be. I was a serial cheater, a thief, a lier, in short a bad person. Yes the new me felt completly wrong and not right. But i stuck it out and like the new me so much better. I dont cheat, i dont lie, i dont steal. It feels good to look in the mirror. Now all that stuff is still inside of me, still there tempting me. But now i have a choice as to weather or not i make the bad choice. Thats awesome for me, i get a real choice, be  good or be bad.

  But it took a while to learn who this new bill was and what he had to offer. I lost some things but gained others. In the end i am much better now than what i was three years ago.

   It does get better in time. If you remember the Yin and Yang wheel, just when yin is approaching its zenith, yang is allready moving to replace it.  You are lost now, but you will soon find yourself again. And then you will have to decide if you want to be the new person you are now.

  Good luck Bill

I think that it is important that you are aware that you have changed and that you are seeing a therapist. For many years my wife did not believe that anything was wrong with her and I was the one with a problem...finally with the threat of leaving her she went to the dr and was diagnosed bipolar. It is a long hard road and you have to decide that you are going to take it head on. I know my wife tends to push those closest to her away first and sometimes if you push people hard enough they will not come back.

First of all, thank you guys for your support.
That said, I don't really like the new me. I feel like I'm letting this illness take over and that it's more my weakness than anything else that's letting it win. I can rationalize my way thru most of it but somehow it doesn't change anything. Ugh.......
I am on meds, tapering off lithium at the moment due to some unwanted side effects. We'll see what comes next. I was never perfect before but I truly miss the the best parts of me.

SoSickAndTired said...
I understand completely. The person I was a year ago, 2 years ago... I'm no longer that person... I used to be so outgoing, fun, sociable... Now I stay in the house, quit school, barely talk to my friends, never go out... I just stay at home in my own little bubble. This is the "medicated me"
I'm afraid if I start to go out and do the things I used to do, I'll be going backwards.

I read your post and my goodness that's exactly my husband before his diagnoses he was super fun , outgoing, unstopable. He love to go out & socialize. Now he doesn't want to do anything just sit on the couch watch TV and sleep all day. But right know we are separated because he doen't want to be married anymore. I feel someone came in the middle of the night stoled my husband and left his shell with someone else in it. It's so sad because we have 4 beautiful children. I wish there was a cure! sorry to vent on your thread. just very overwhelmed.

How do I help you see that you are special and this illness is not the definition of you?

I was there; I am sure all of us were and still are some days. Something you said totally struck me. "How much of this is really in my control?"

My answer for the question to myself -- Most of it.

I did not think that way at all when I was first diagnosed. In fact before my dx in 2005, I was dx'd with major depression in 2001. And of course years before that in my teen years, I was depressed as well. Up into 2007 when I went into a support group at my hospital I thought I had no control and that the illness just did what it wanted with me. I wrapped myself in the symptoms and that was it. I thought I knew it all about depression/bipolar. That group saved my life. It taught me that I had to accept (as Bill teaches us all the time :) my illness and that it was something I could (and had to) manage.

The occupational therapist that led that support group really helped me see that I needed to accept and love myself again and realize I could fight the pain and ups and downs. I now work at the same hospital as she does and in that same department-- mental health. In fact, I spoke with her Friday because I was looking for my pdoc's secretary and she walked with me to her office. She didn't recognize me of course, we live in a very large city and my hospital is huge, but it was a full circle moment for me and reminded me that I can do anything no matter how this illness tries to stop me.

Now, this does not mean that I don't have days where I am at the bottom and I get to that place where I feel overwhelmed and lost. But I try to tell myself how strong I have proven to be and that I can reach out for help and help myself.

I know how you are feeling, believe me. Do you know if you could talk to your pdoc about any support groups available in your area? It's good that you have therapy. And your therapist is right, you owe it to yourself to accept yourself :) Meds are tough and it took my over 5 years to find meds that help me "most of the time". I know I'm going through a huge episode now, but it's better than it was. There are so many meds out there and the side effects along with them actually making us feel better makes it so hard to find the right combo; but have faith you'll get there. The meds are part of the puzzle; the rest is up to us :)

You are special and you are not this illness. But you have a soft place to fall here with us. We get it. We know. Vent to us and know you can get through this!!

(Sorry for the long post)

Hugs,
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