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Is my wife bipolar?

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 4/30/2011 5:18 AM (GMT 0)
I have been married to my wife for 15 years, we have an 11 year old son.  A little background, we married when I was 30 and she was 37.  Her mother is bipolar, been taking lithium and other drugs for over 25 years.

My wife declared bankruptcy right before we were married. She is still not good with handling money, I will comment more on that later.  She had multiple partners before we met, never having a relationship that lasted more than 2 years, some much shorter.  She knows how to make a man feel like they are the most important thing to her. This was very seductive to me, I fell for her rather quickly.  We were married less than a year after we met.  She was living back at home with her parents when we met when she was 36. She had been living in another state right before that and had to come home because of severe financial distress and she was in a bad relationship she had to get out of.  She had moved around the country alot in her single life, she had many different jobs, and many different relationships. Her dream was to become a model and actress and she was getting in over her head financially pursuing that dream.  When we met, I thought she was ready to settle down and get on with being a wife and mother.  I had a business at the time we met, still do, and she happily joined and worked in the business.  I noticed a significant change in her about 4 or 5 years ago. She started to become very moody, distant and cold. This left me very fearful about our relationship and I tried to control the situation. The more contol I started to exert, the more she pulled away. So I let her have her space and I thought that might help. It did not. She had the idea that I was the bad guy. When she was with her friends, she was the life of the party, everyone loved her. With me, I was what was wrong in her life and she was as cold as ice, despondent and angry.  She then complained bitterly that she had to do the business with me, a wholesale jewelry business that was easy and successful.  She told me that she felt like a slave to the business and she was going to pursue a writing carreer. She was going to change the world she said and write a movie script about the lost city of Atlantis and its ancient teachings. Her belief system is pretty far out there, much too involved to explain in  this posting. Before I met her, she once belonged to a cult that believed that you can have physical immortality. I thought that strange belief systems was also behind her when we met. I was wrong. The latest with her is that she sees spirtual orbs and they are communicating with her through unique symbols that are only revealed to her.  A couple of years ago, she thought she was the reincarnation of Nefertetes of ancient Egypt.  She actually went to Egypt by herself just to prove it to herself.  I have seen the symptoms of bipolar diorder and it seems she has some of them. For instance, one of the symptoms is having a grandiose view of oneself and having delusional thoughts of doing great things. Well, her pursuing her modeling and acting while finacially suffering because of it seems to fit that desciption. Also, her idea that she is going to change the world with a movie script, even though she had never even been published, with a movie that in her words will be bigger than Avatar. And she has spent at least 15,000 dollars pursuing that dream.  When I told her that was enough and the movie might not happen, I told her to be realistic: she gets very angry at me and tells me that I don't support her and that she does not love me because I don't understand her.  I am trying to be realistic and practical and she labels me as an unbeliever in her mind. Almost like a cult, "You don't believe it totally, so I discard you"  This is all very hurtful.  I want nothing more than to love my wife and she makes it very difficult to do that.  She is constantly on the computer talking with friends and strangers too that are interested in her movie project. She will open up and talk about the problems in our relationship with women and men that she just met online. She had at least one emotional affair with a man that I found out about.

I feel so alone.  I know she would never go for any treatment. When I brought it up that she might have what her mom has, bipolar disorder, she vehemently denied it and again, got very angry with me.

I would like to hear anybodys advice in this matter. What are your thoughts about her being bipolar?  I don't think that time is going to make things any better. She has talked divorce many times and I know that is most likely inevitable, but I am afraid of putting our son into the primary care of someone who is not stable.  I had the advice of many people to fight for custody in the event of divorce, but my son and my wife have a close bond, probably closer than between me and my son right now.  That may change as he gets older. If our son was a late teenager, I think a divorce would be an easy call.  But I would still have alot of sadness with that since I see down deep why I fell in love with her. I think her illness covers up alot of that.  This all makes me very sad.  I would like confirmation here that what is going on with my wife is a form of mental illness. If anyone feels it is not, please let me know that as well.  And if this is a form of bipolar disorder, would medication help these feelings she has that I am the bad guy because I don't support her delusions of grandeur, and her delusional thoughts of doing grandiose things and being famous one day. I believe  that this is all set in stone in her mind.  I don't think a pill can change these patternistic thoughts. Any advice or  thoughts that anyone might have would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Posted 5/1/2011 1:21 AM (GMT 0)
thanks for your post. You really have a lot on your plate. Your wife has all the hallmark characteristics of bipolar. I'm not a psychiatrist, but she is probably bipolar I (the most severe type). The fact she spent $15,000 on grandiose projects is a red flag giveaway. You're right that meds are only part of her solution. She really needs therapy too. As far as the marriage, you're in a really tough spot. I can't imagine how a divorce judge would grant her custody with her extreme instability. You need to protect your child. Every marriage is worth fighting for though. Perhaps you can encourage her to get on at least one mood stabilizer and see a therapist. If she continues being resistant and denies her need of treatment, I honestly think you should consider divorce. I don't see how the marriage could function financially. She has the potential of harming your financial security and credit. Think about your child's wellbeing.
I really hope she gets well and your relationship is saved. Being in a bipolar marriage is one of the biggest challenges any marriage faces. Only a small percentage avoid divorce.
Keep us updated; I hope things get better and a separation doesn't happen.
Posted 5/1/2011 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
My husband is Bipolar 1 mix (which is the worst BP) we are currently separated. It sounds your wife is BP1 and also there seems to probably be a personality disorder as well.

It is not an easy journey. She needs to seek help. It gets worst as they get older. This is a serious illness and it could destroy her & people aroud her if it's not treated.
Posted 5/1/2011 2:54 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you 987Tommy for your advice and insight into her condition. This has been a big revelation to me lately, I felt like I was living in the twilight zone with her for so long. This mental illness I think she may have explains so much of her behavior and thought processes.  She has tried to make me feel like I am the problem with the relationship, and I felt so unfairly accused these last few years. I do just about all the housework, inside and outside, I take care of the finances and do 95% of our business now, I try to be the best father I can be, I don't have time for even any outside hobbies, I am the quintesential responsible parent and husband.  I know this sounds like I am tooting my own horn, but she tries to make me the bad guy and I just don't get it.  I can even show alot of support to her about her writing interest and be affectionate with her and she returns it with coldness and lack of any love and affection.  Sometimes I feel that she doesn't deserve me, I know my self esteem is being compromised just being with her.   As far as the finances, I am thankful she is following a tight budget for her fanciful projects.  But it is still hard to see the three or four hundred she spends every month and the amount of time she spends on her writing.  Also, along with her being bipolar, I think she has narcissistic personality disorder.  I researched that before and she exhibits alot of those characteristics as well.  I think I may be dealing here with someone who has a double whammy of disorders and that is scary.  She use to be an actress and I fear that if we divorced, that she could charm a judge into getting full custody, I live in a state where there is no shared custody. Only primary custody for one parent and 2 weekends a month for the other parent. If  I lost primary custody, I would be very broken hearted and also very fearful of the kind of situation that my son could be in.   She meets people online and immediately I have seen her open up with all this personal info with them, and some are men that similar strange personalities.     

So thank you again for your post and if you have any other thoughts about this situation, please share.  Also, if anyone else has any thoughts or insight into this, I would like to hear from you.  I have seen a couple of therapists in the last few years about my marriage troubles, and they both have said that there is most likely no hope for the marriage to get better. They said that when one partner checks out of the relationship as much as she has, there is not much hope of her to work on the marriage.  She refuses to go to counseling and thinks I am the problem.  Anyways, there you have it: sad but true.

Thank you.

Posted 5/1/2011 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you mt4 for your thoughts, all this support is really helping me.

Posted 5/3/2011 9:57 PM (GMT 0)
lakemanjoe:

thanks for your update. According to your 1st post, you're now 45 (wife 52)? Why have you waited so long to take care of yourself? It seems like you've given her more than enough years to get better. I just don't want you reflecting back on your life when you're retired and regret the life you could've had with someone more stable. You deserve to be in an affectionate relationship (emotionally and physically). You are being neglected and deprived of a good enriching marriage.
I understand you still care for your wife. It's got to be so hard. Only you can make your own decisions, just take time to really do some real deep soul searching and look into how your future may look if either 1) you stay with this marriage and hardship or 2) you do separate/divorce and seek out a more rewarding relationhip. The whole custody situation is tough too. I would spend some money to seek legal advice and see if you had a chance of gaining full custody. Your wife is the one with a mental disorder. Oh, I just thought of this. A divorced friend told me this: begin keeping a journal of all the outrageous, innappropriate, abusive behavior your wife exhibits, with specific dates and behaviors. Really do this. This evidence will give you more credibility and clout in court to gain full custody b/c you'll have evidence.
I pray you don't have to go that route. Remember, we can't control another person, even our spouses. You must take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy and loved/cared for by a stable, affectionate, beautiful woman.
keep us updated
Posted 5/8/2011 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lakemanjoe!

I am new to this site and started to read some of the posts. I have to say that I am 100% on board with 987Tommy. My son had a relationship with a woman who had been diagnosed with Bipolar and she refused to take medication. She had exhibited almost all of the ones your wife did, but also more symptoms of such illness. A psychologist who I had spoken with about her said that this woman also had a personality disorder. This gal nearly DESTROYED my son's life. Without going into everything, (not enough paper to describe the insanity lol) she began this incessant lying and started on a path to make herself look like an angel while all the while telling ANYONE , even strangers how horrible her boyfriend was. She actually went to the police and said he tried to kill her (of course nothing of this was true). She had been married before and made her ex husband out to be nuts. Come to find out, everything she said he had done, SHE had done and NOT him!! My son ended up meeting him and was told by her ex that he had her arrested at one point for physically attacking him. This story is truly phenomenal. At any rate, the police arrested my son....this went through the courts...absolutely NO evidence of anything. The date she said he 'attacked' her she was at MY house having coffee with me and showing off her engagement ring that he had just given her. She was ecstatic!!!!!!! This was all NUTS!!! My family and my son were in absolute shock!!!!! She filed these charges four months after this supposed incident (which truly NEVER happened)! My son was put through the mill and come to find out she 'knew' one of the detectives. People like her are very, very dangerous and the best way to handle a situation like yours is GET OUT OF IT BEFORE SHE DOES TO YOU WHAT MY SON'S GIRLFRIEND DID TO HIM!!!! One thing for sure..you NEVER want to be a defendant. YOU MUST make the initial step so that YOU do not appear to be the problem, but rather SHE is the problem and thus your concern for your child. The state seems to NEVER look kindly on ANY defendant and especially (you said she was an actress) if she acts like'poor' defenseless me. I can't be more serious when I tell you to : A. document (like 987Tommy said) and B: be FIRST to get to court!!!! This will make all the difference in the world with your case! Good luck and I will say some prayers for you and your family!
Posted 5/10/2011 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
I see some of my wife in this post. Shes BPII. She has never spent that much money, but she does have this "thing" that she is going to invent something someday. She also had an "emotional affair" and always claims she's lonely. In her case, she can't make/keep female friends. She is also extremely self centered.

I can say that once I found out what the symptoms were and found that my wife exhibited almost all the common ones, it was a lot easier for me to deal with it without just thinking that we just weren't compatible.

Now that she has started taking her meds and stopped drinking (only about two weeks now), she seems to be a little more grounded. I am hopeful that once we find the right meds for her and continue counseling, we may be okay.

Disclaimer (this is anecdotal and NOT advice). [She wouldn't offer divorce, but would always say that we needed time apart and such. For a few years I tried to work with her to prevent that, but it got to the point where I didn't care anymore and wanted her to go and told her so. She wouldn't leave and hasn't mentioned it since. When it came down to her finally realizing that she was REALLY about to lose me, she stopped drinking and started taking her meds. Then she started admitting that maybe she had a problem.]

I know they say that a pill can't cure all ills, but it always amazes me how in some cases (like these) it really CAN make a difference. You just have to realize (as I am learning) that she is just out of balance. These mood swings are just extreme ends of behavior patterns and the medication and reduce those wild swings and restore some/the balance.

Post Edited (ebonyknight) : 5/10/2011 9:16:20 AM (GMT-6)

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