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how do others with bipolar create and maintain a life worth living

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Posted 5/18/2011 12:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

My question is how do others with bipolar create and maintain a life worth living? It turns out I have had bipolar my entire life. I also have a liver problem which means I haven't found a medication I have been able to metabolise properly yet and I have to rely predominantly on psychological skills. I don't have any friends, family, relationship or employment, despite doing all I can to create and maintain these areas of my life. I join exercise groups, support groups, dating sites and employment services.

I eat the best I can manage financially, exercise daily, meditate daily. I get active when depressed, I do things for others, I focus on and feel grateful what I do have, I distract myself from wallowing in painful emotions, I imagine the kind of life I would like to have, I put a smile on my dial and do nice things for myself, I try to accept my lot in life and determine to play the cards I have been dealt the best I can, I try to make the most effective choices I can in my life, I try to understand and nurture my emotions, I don't abuse drugs or alcohol, I try to engage in the things that interest me, I try to work through conflicts well, I try to balance my needs with the needs of others, I try to communicate well.

Despite doing all that, my life is still a barren wasteland filled with a long history of rejection. I don't quite fully understand my diagnosis because I've always thought mania meant extreme, excessive happiness. I'm still getting my head around that it can mean intensity, even if that intensity is morose. Can anyone share with me what it is like to have bipolar successfully managed with medication because it is my hope that we will one day find the right drug that my body can metabolise. I want some good news. I want to know what I might have to look forward to one day.
Posted 5/18/2011 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
You sure sound like you do very well considering you do not take medication! Very good job taking care of yourself!

I have my BP faily well managed to the point where my marriage is good, I can work full time and I am starting to do the things I enjoy again. I take Seroquel XR and Pamelor. The right combo of meds can be a challenge but it doesn't always have to be a ton of medication.
Posted 5/18/2011 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
wow, that is fantastic. Thank you for letting me know a workable relationship, and work esp. full time work is possible when bipolar is managed well! I haven't trialled Seroquel XR or Pamelor, so I might ask my psychiatrist to give me a whirl on those. The other thing I'd like to have a teeny unilateral trial of, is ECT. I've been doing this for 40 years with no relief from the chronic dispair and agony... I think staying alive because I have the strength to endure the pain, is great but it isn't a fantastic "best outcome". I want more joy and happiness. I want each of my life areas to function in some regard. Thank you for letting me know it is possible. And well done to you for getting your life where you have, despite the challenges!

Post Edited (living well) : 5/17/2011 8:44:16 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/18/2011 2:15 PM (GMT 0)

living well said...
Despite doing all that, my life is still a barren wasteland filled with a long history of rejection. I don't quite fully understand my diagnosis because I've always thought mania meant extreme, excessive happiness. I'm still getting my head around that it can mean intensity, even if that intensity is morose. Can anyone share with me what it is like to have bipolar successfully managed with medication because it is my hope that we will one day find the right drug that my body can metabolise. I want some good news. I want to know what I might have to look forward to one day.

My wife was diagnosed as BP II a few years ago. It finally got to the point where I wanted her gone (refer to New Poster thread, if interested). She would sporadically take her meds and drink daily. I think she finally realized that she had to change or leave. After three weeks of not drinking and taking her meds, she is a lot better. She would suffer from mania and depression. The mania (as she and her therapist explain it) isn't euphoria, per say, but being hyperactive without regard to consequences. She would stay up late, flirt with other people and spend money. That is manic behavior, but she found it wasn't that satisfying.

She will still need to adjust her meds to get the right mix (have an appt at the end of the month), but she is more balanced now and less prone to the highs and lows of bipolar. She is starting to become more rational and going back to the woman I dated and married. Medication can do wonders, but it is only part of the equation.
Posted 5/19/2011 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for referring me to your thread, ebonyknight. It's so sad, just how this illness can impact on the individual and those around us. After reading all these posts (I was only diagnosed 3 days ago), the line between bad behaviour and illness is actually starting to blur for me. Given that I don't have friends, family, relationship, job, capacity for consistency in socialising; no matter how "well behaved" I try to be, I wonder just how much this illness disrupts our attempts to lead a constructive, meaningful life despite our best efforts. I do think I have a high level of concern for how my illness impacts on others, but that doesn't seem to turn the trick of being able to manage my relationships.
Posted 5/19/2011 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
I would encourage you to seek out the best specialist that you can afford. Seeing a psychiatrist who is acutally WANTING TO TREAT YOU FOR YOU is the only way to go. With regards to medications there are sooooo many out their, some tried and true, some brand new, and you know what, all of them can have consequences -- take me for example I took antidepressants which are really not a good idea when pregnant, but I HAD to take them or I would have gone MAD. Benefits outweight the risks that is what is said about lots of the medications. I pray that you will be seeing a good physician who will research and find a med or a combo of meds that will turn your life around, so that you can start living it to the fullest! The right meds will make a world of difference for you!!

Keep posting and God Bless -- Stephanie
Posted 5/19/2011 2:45 AM (GMT 0)
Oops, I forgot to mention that I have been married for 10 years, and we have 3 kids, AND I work full time. Its not always easy or fun, but doable when you are stable on the right meds -- keep that chin up you can do it!

God Bless -- Stephanie
Posted 5/19/2011 12:25 PM (GMT 0)

living well said...
Hi,

Can anyone share with me what it is like to have bipolar successfully managed with medication because it is my hope that we will one day find the right drug that my body can metabolise. I want some good news. I want to know what I might have to look forward to one day.

I think I might be the poster child for living well with bipolar.  I am almost symptom free (if I don't work much and use my coping skills).  I have only mild side effects.

I am engaged to a fabulous man.  We've been together a little more than 2 years.  We have a good relationship - we have never fought!    My son is 4 years old and an awesomely-well-behaved kid.

I am on disability and I do have a service dog.  I have a decent support system and am always trying to make it wider.

If I use everything available to me and take care of myself, I can experience a "normal" life.

(((hugs))) to you!  I hope you have good results with mediation.

Posted 5/20/2011 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
Howdy, thanks for your responses. They have been very helpful.

I haven't posted on my own thread for awhile because things have been bleak. I am receiving acute care support from the local mental health team. That can be inpatient or outpatient and so far I have managed to stay home. The main point is there is a safety net there for my psychiatrist's professional benefit, if not my personal benefit.

I really preferred the diagnosis of BPD as people tend to start getting better in the second part of their lives. I was hanging in there waiting for the clouds to start to dissipate and when I get to the second part of my life I get told "Narh sorry you have an incurable illness; one that gets progressively worse; the good news is it is manageable; the bad news is we can't seem to manage yours".

The only thing I can hold onto atm for myself is that before my partner left me unexpectedly a month ago and I got pushed out of my employment service, I had been stable enough for a couple of years. My ex partner has come back into my life as a friend and the employment service has let me back, so it is not all lost, but it still isn't the same. What's more is it hasn't alleviated this meltdown. We are doing all we can get my meds right, but my body refuses to cooperate.

This is one huge depressive episode and I hope I start feeling better soon, (even though I know the illness will always remain).
Posted 5/20/2011 2:10 PM (GMT 0)
In my experience extreme stress brings on the episodes and it takes a while for the body/brain to "calm down".. Do you have access to benzo's to help with anxiety for now until a med starts working for you? Such as Xanax (fast acting) or Klonopin (takes about 30 minutes to work when chewed like I do). Just some info.
Posted 5/20/2011 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Living well, my hat is off to you!  You have the right attitude but putting this illness aside, you just seem like something is missing, that is what you must figure out.  I do not take meds, long story - inability to function well or adjust on them-you name it I have been on it, but I am managing very well most days with exercise, vitamin therapy, meditation and pure hard headedness (is that a word?). I do not have alot of friends or social interaction.  I do work full time and have raised a family, do not see my sisters much, they live away.  Spend most extra time in my garden, or visiting the local farmes market, fishing with my husband, etc.

I think you are doing great, perhaps relationship wise, is that what you are looking for?  Try the meat counter at your local grocery store on the week-ends, bachelors do grocery shop and very easy to start conversations with!

Gem turn

Posted 5/21/2011 7:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Guys, thank you so much for bearing with me while I've overcooked this forum in recent days. I have been in one of the most despairing, darkest places in my life and this site has been like a teddy bear bringing me great comfort at a time of need.

You are on the same page as me BerryBlonde. I had an important meeting this afternoon and I took 1/2 valium just to take the edge off, to help me manage it the best I could. No matter how much we hurt, we tend to hurt a lot worse if we don't present well at critical moments and make good decisions for our life. It was important to "have my head on" as much as possible, so I pulled out the "to be used infrequently" resources to effect that.

Thanks for the meat counter tip Gem - you made me smile. Now that I know I have a progressive, incurable mental illness, I feel like I should limit dating to mentally ill men. I don't want to drag anyone into a nightmare they don't already live in. My ex has indicated that reconciliation is off the cards now that I have the diagnosis of bipolar. He's not up to sharing the heartache this illness will bring, and that is fair enough. (I'll be the crazy chick hanging out at the meat counter with a survey on mental illness to help lure my next romantic prey, um I mean, partner).

I'm honestly amazed by how many of you work full time. It's fantastic there is such good news within this illness and I am so genuinely impressed with all of your achievements. I know it can't be easy - but you do it! I really admire you guys. For over 20 years I've struggled to work. I haven't worked in 9years and have spent years trying to get well enough to work at all, (even if it is only a couple hours a week), to no avail. I want to work soooo bad!!! Nevertheless, I've got to run my own race, and accept how the illness impacts on me. There are things I can do to try to slow down the increasing deterioration of my functionality.

My psychiatrist scoffed when I suggested ECT as a treatment option. She's only been treating me for 18 months. She hasn't been part of the 20+ years of every anti-depressant and mood stabiliser failing to work and bringing toxicity because of my liver's inability to metabolise medications. Just because I have learnt to manage extreme emotional/psychological pain so well, that doesn't mean I don't feel burnt alive by it.

One thing I am grateful for is that I have a nice flatmate. I don't share any of this stuff with him, of course. But he is a good person and easy to live with. He said to me today that he is starting to see my sadness lift, for the first time since my partner left me a month ago.

My history is not great and I don't have a great future but I've got to find the strength I can to endure the bad times and try and play the hand I have been dealt the best I can.

Post Edited (living well) : 5/21/2011 6:14:52 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/21/2011 11:15 AM (GMT 0)
Living,

Glad I made you smile. If the meat counter does not work out, hit the Library! For about three years I had a very hard time working, I wanted to quit and stay home so bad I could taste it. I do not feel that way now, because I know I would probably not fair as well if I didn't work. But you put it so nicely "running your own race." Yes, that is what we are all trying to do. My husband is a rock, the most level, even, solid person on the planet, how we ended up together God only knows. He is tolerant but he also has a breaking point and it is usually at these times that he will say something so profound that it actually changes my brain chemistry! It jolts me back to what is really important, taking good care of myself and milking as much enjoyment out of life as I can despite that hand I have been dealt. I hate it that he is right most of the time but God puts people in our lives and takes them away for a reason. This I do believe.

I hope each day finds you feeling better and better. There is always hope, nothing is impossible. I enjoyed your post because I can sense that you have a more positive than negative tone about you and believe me with mood disorders that will only help you. I get the feeling you are going to find a way to come out on top of this thing. Really, what else are you going to do? Give in to it? Never!!!!!!!

Gem
Posted 5/22/2011 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
That's right NEVER GIVE IN! I have only been struggling with the BP II for a short time in comparison to others, but I have learned from the strong people in my life that you have to go on, never give up!!! Keep daily routines as "normal" as possible, and keep your mind OFF all of the symptoms and "feelings" that we are having that bring us down! We can do this, we can overcome!!! I have a strong faith in GOD and I know that everything, even this horrible illness, has happened to me for a reason, because GOD has a plan and HE is in CONTROL!!! I feel that I have been been able to provide support and encouragment to others on this site, and that makes me feel sooo good!!! So even when I am having a bad day there are people online here to also provide such great encouragment and a helping hand that really does wonders! Love technology!!!

You keep strong as you can, you can do this!! I will keep you in prayer that you will be released from the negative feelings/symptoms that you are having!!

Keep posting, and God Bless!! Stephanie
Posted 5/22/2011 7:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you both. Yes, you can be reassured your posts help me significantly. I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy and yet still have to accept that I, along with other good people who don't "deserve" this illness, do experience enormous pain and suffering and keep going. Yesterday was a better day. My ex gave me the warmest hug and it has continued to linger with me. While he won't be continuing this journey with me, (we broke up a month ago) knowing I was once loved is an important thing to hold on to. I am completely alone in this world (I don't have a single friend or family member) so it is significant for me that someone once loved me. There are many times that strangers have been kind to me, but love is something different. Hopefully I will experience it again someday.
Today was the first day that I haven't felt burnt alive by intolerable pain, since 23 April. I do feel angry that individuals are expected to endure pain that intense for 29 days (in this instance). I know that it doesn't matter what other people think - at the end of the day, I find it completely inhumane and unacceptable. I respect my doctor and I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. But she has only been running the gauntlet with me with meds for 18months, not the 21+ years I've been doing it, to no avail. I know ECT is not a magic cure and can even make things worse, but I'm desperate enough to assertively pursue it as an option to be used with next major depressive episode. I my psychiatrist in the morning and will let you know how I go. I am very isolated and being able to interact with people here is very positive for me. Thank you.
Posted 5/22/2011 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
Very well put Berry! Living - Glad you find comfort here. I have many times as well. Forgive me if I ever get a bit preachy, just trying to help. I know that sometimes the things that bring us the most temporary comfort are the worse things we can do in the long run ie, alcohol, bad diet, inactivity, etc. The best thing we can all do is take one day at a time, do not think too far ahead or waste our time looking back and vow to make the best choices we can each day regarding our physical and mental health.

Hope everyone has a great week-end. I am in NC, suppose to be sunny and 88 degrees today, outside I go! My husband is taking me fishing, really it makes him happier than me but it is something we do together.

Today is my birthday! The legend lives on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gem
Posted 5/22/2011 12:14 PM (GMT 0)
Happy Birthday Precious :) Have a great day!
Posted 5/22/2011 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thank You!

Gem
Posted 5/22/2011 10:43 PM (GMT 0)

BerryBlonde81 said...
In my experience extreme stress brings on the episodes and it takes a while for the body/brain to "calm down".. Do you have access to benzo's to help with anxiety for now until a med starts working for you? Such as Xanax (fast acting) or Klonopin (takes about 30 minutes to work when chewed like I do). Just some info.

Yes, this is very true.  I had a full weekend - driving 8 hr round trip for a graduation ceremony/ party.  Get home and IMMEDIATELY go bowling for a fundraiser.  Getting ready for my Grandma to visit tomorrow.  Just found out I have all-day work tomorrow.

OMG

Yes, stress brings on symptoms.  There are some here that work full-time.  I can work about 10 hours a week.  Sometimes more.  If I work too much, I have to cut back my hours for a couple weeks.

After something stressfull happens, it takes me 3 - 4 hours to calm down.  Even with meds.  My tremor get much worse too.

Any how, I mean to say to take care of yourself, avoid stress, give yourself a long time to "process" and recover from stress - whether good or bad stress.

Posted 5/23/2011 7:14 AM (GMT 0)
Well done, tortoise for knowing what to do to prevent stress turning into a major crash. I rapid cycle so I have no idea how I am going to be from one day to the next. I will write again soon when I get some urgent things needing attention off my plate.
Posted 5/23/2011 10:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hope you had great b-day Precious!!! And LW, this forum has brought so much encouragement to me, and we hope that you will continue to read and post as you can!

I hope that you will not sell youself short thinking that you cannot find a true love, because I was engaged before my husband and was devastated when that abruptly ended (I did not have BP issues at that time either -- hehe) BUT, while I was devestated at someone leaving me, it happened for a reason. Shortly after the painful breakup of me and my ex I met my now husband, and we just celebrated 10 years together this past Wednesday! Please dont give up on find a mate or friend and being loved.

I think that this forum is more like an extention to my family every day!!

Keep your chin up and look to any positives that you have each day -- that way they will rule over any symptoms or negative feelings that you have!!

God Bless friend, Stephanie
Posted 5/24/2011 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
Living Well,

You are amazing!! Here you are giving me advice and encouragement when you are going through so much. Everyone is so right here. It is one day at a time and I'm glad I see it repeated so it might just get through my thick skull. Noone deserves this illness, but please don't think you can't be with someone who isn't BP. Many of us have pretty great relationships with "normal" significant others. You jiust work on yourself and the rest will come. I need to remember that myself. I also find God such an amazing source of strength and comfort. I wouldn't be here without him. I did ECT about 12 - 13 years ago when meds couldn't get me out of my depression. It did work for me, but did take away some memories. I'll be praying for you and that this Saphris will help me out of my depression!

Linda
Posted 5/25/2011 7:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Stephanie re: BP & Relationships
My pdoc was very firm with me on Monday. She told me every human has issues and it is how we manage those issues that counts. She said I manage my issues extremely well and despite diagnoses of Bipolar, BPD and PTSD. She said I am (remarkably so) a very good potential partner. I am so happy for your fantastic relationship... hearing all the good news really does help buoy me. I went to counselling with my ex today. Just as our relationship focussed on my ex's issues, the counselling focussed on my ex's issues. The counsellor urged him to start embracing his emotions more. My ex said to me afterwards, "you manage your symptoms so well I have failed to realise just how those wounds really feel like for you". I said to him "my wounds aren't for you to manage and I'm not going to stop managing them just so they are more visable". He said "While, I mightn't be responsible for those wounds but I sure as hell don't want to exacerbate them, its up to me to remember what you battle with under your coping". For me, I will continue work on my social skills each week with my pdoc and will continue to for the the rest of my life, regardless of what happens with this relationship. Thank you for your encouragement :)
Posted 5/25/2011 7:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Linda,

Me giving you advice and encouragement was actually a little selfish of me coz it made me feel good. I'm glad I could help. Even though we might need meds and therapy for our illness, the milk of human kindness can still do so much! My pdoc listened to me about the toxicity and we have lowered my dose and I am feeling better. I had difficulties staying asleep during the night as a result so I took a minimum dose of another antidepressant which did the trick. She also listened to me about ECT and why I felt that it was time to put it on the list of possible treatment options. She agreed. The local mental health service also agreed and thought it might be a way for me to be able to achieve some degree of function when I've worked so hard to achieve that but which has eluded me for 10 years. I'm interested in all ECT stories; the good and the bad.Mental health have agreed to keep me on Acute Care for an extra two weeks while my pdoc has made me promise I will call her while she is on holidays if I need to. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful professional support!

I have court tomorrow and the court rang today to say that my ex can represent me if I can't manage to get through it. (The respondent is an ex-flatmate who became obsessed with me and is causing all sorts of trouble).

Next week I start back at the employment agency It will be good to get back trying to achieve my goals again, ECT or no ECT.

I hope so dearly that Saphris keeps doing what it is meant to do. Good luck!!!!

Thank you for being there for me!!!!
Posted 5/25/2011 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
Living...

I am so impressed by you! Im go glad to hear that you are facing this illness HEAD ON! You are not letting this illness take control. I know it has taken you some time to get here..but u are here and coping and managing. Just wanted to let you know to keep it up and that i am very happy for you! Take care!
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