Relationship Pros/Cons

I've read ebonyknights threat today with deep compassion but didn't feel qualified to be able to help in any way. I feel in a similar emotional place myself although the details of my situation are different. Firstly I'm already out of my relationship. Secondly I'm the mature one even though I'm the one with mental illness. I've done up a list of pro's and con's about going back to the relationship or moving forward. I too wonder whether it is a case of too little too late. I also wonder if my partner dealt the relationship a fatal blow at the end of our first 2 months and as much as I've been trying to get over it, I might have to accept I never will. Not only did he have his ex-girlfriend to Christmas instead of me, he is caught up with rejecting me because I am mentally ill even though I manage my issues far more effectively than he manages his own. He is unable to see the impact of his behaviour on me. His position is "I am entitled to have my ex-partner as my friend". What he fails to realise is putting that ex-partner before his current partner was very poor judgement. He also had his ex-partner to family dinners instead of me, during our relationship, without my knowledge. Even if he can "get over" my diagnosis and wants me back, should I really consider going back to a relationship with someone who has disregarded my needs and feelings like he has? I went back for 4 months after Christmas on good faith that he would help heal the damage he had done. I felt like I was flogging a dead horse and he ended up hurting me even more. How needy am I? How forgiving should I be? When do I just realise this man has issues that he is a long way off effectively managing? Beside that issue, I have truly never enjoyed a partner like I have him. I want fun in my life and I want intimacy. Neither of which I have had in 6 weeks. This is the same man that took 4 hours out of his very high level job on Thursday to support me at court; he was the one who took over my self-representation when it all got too much for me and who made sure I was fully debriefed before putting me on the train home. It is the same man who willing took the time and paid the money for us to go to counselling the day before, had revelations on how his behaviours have impacted on me and wants to continue counselling. He was the one who had come over to my place the night before to help me prepare for court. This is same man who gave me his set top box when mine died last week, took me to lunch, and helped me with my car. This man is not an evil person. He is a good man. He can be enormously helpful and he can quite harmful. I love him, I appreciate him, I enjoy him. But...I don't want to flog a dead horse. I don't want to spend the last 20 years of my life in a dead end relationship. I refuse to play second fiddle to his previous girlfriend, be excluded from family events and have him including her without my knowledge. I am extremely isolated in my life and am doing what I can to fill out my life, regardless of what I do romantically. I'd really appreciate it people could give me the objective observations of an outsider. Emotional involvement skews everything that we could see so clearly if it happened not to be our own problem. Thank you.

Post Edited (living well) : 5/27/2011 5:14:05 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks for that perspective I appreciate it Stephanie. He maintains he is entitled to have her in his life. I'm not bothered by her being in his life but he has a whole lot of pathology around her role and my role and prevents him having any capacity to factor in my needs and feelings. I feel a bit stupid not walking away at Christmas. I'd also be without my only friend had I done that though. That is why I am reaching out to make new friends first and foremost. Thanks for your reply.

Hey LW.

I have a similar situation. My wife's ex boyfriend is still in the picture. She still is friends with him, but the difference here is that he honors our marriage and let's her know that. I don't have a problem with their friendship, because their relationship was a constant turmoil and other than being friends, I doubt he wants anything more to do with her. He's been where I am at now and he doesn't seem like a masochist. :) We even talked on the phone recently and he warned me that I have my work cut out for me.

It comes down to if he is reasonably willing to respect your feelings. While acting in a typical BP manner, my wife has never really hidden anything 'significant', from me. As far as your ex, he may be trying to play both ends against the middle. You are his fallback, if his primary fails, so he may be keeping you in the wings. I maybe incorrect, but as a man, I can tell you that is how we think. It doesn't seem like he wants to put in the effort required to reconcile. I've been where you are before in the past (this is my second marriage) and you are past the hard part. You are already separated and moving on. It took me more than five years to move on from my prior relationship (probably why I am trying so hard with this one). In retrospect, it was good that my first wife cut me off, like she did. You have to ask yourself, do you really want to go back to the way things were? If he isn't willing to put in effort, then what are you really gaining except familiarity?

As for me, I know that my life could be exciting again, being single, but the familiarity is appealing to me, despite our problems. It's a quandary, but you need to think carefully and weigh all the pros and cons. You don't want to waste your time, trying to reclaim feelings of the apex of your relationship, when that may not be possible.

Post Edited (ebonyknight) : 5/28/2011 8:12:32 AM (GMT-6)

Keep reassuring yourself and I agree that its always a good idea to have great friends around!! Dont isolate yourself or make the guy you are dating feel that he is "in control of the relationship" not that I am saying that you have to be the one in control, just that you have to think and act in a way that lets a guy or boyfriend not feel that you are "desperate" -- I am totally not saying you are, this is just from my experience being younger..I was very needy and when I had a guy who liked me and I liked him, I could almost smother them with neediness! Now that I am older i see how retarded that is, and I will be sure to let my kids know that is not the way to be....you need to be chased by a guy, not be the chaser as that will push them away -- boy wish I knew that when I was in high school! HA!

You can build so many relationships online whether female or male, especially on this forum, where you will be encouraged and be given wonderful advice -- I know I have found a lot of help here!!

Life has so much to offer than having a MAN or WOMAN in your life that is causing problems..we all want to be needed, loved and adored, but we have to realize that is just part of the lives we are given by God. We have to find a way to be comfortable in our own skin, so that when a time comes where we do not have a partner we can be totally fine, happy and content with how our life is at that moment...maybe start hobbies (I used to love to read before the kids came into the picture :), cooking class, taking online or actual college classes, there are just so many things you can do and learn to fill your time so that you are not constantly thinking about having a mate. I know that it may be lonely, but filling your time talking to new and exciting friends and opportunites will make you feel good inside!! Who knows mr or ms right may be just around the corner for everyone!

God Bless! Stephanie

After this dummy spit, 9 days ago, I hit the skids in a big way; and decided I just couldn't have this person in my life anymore, and told him so, 8 days ago. It takes a lot to adjust to someone not being in one's life anymore. Grief is such a weird process.

If there is no trust between you, if the relationship causes more pain than happiness, if you feel completely insecure from one day to the next, if you are not free to be yourself, if you have the same issues over and over again with no resolution, bail. You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Not saying relationships are easy or family life is always smooth but I have seen so many one-sided relationships that are just pathetic. Life is short and I think there is companionship out there that does not require heartbreak each and everyday. Believe me, there is a better way to live.

Gem