New Here - BP2 w/extreme PTSD, Anxiety and Panic..... Super scared

Hi Everyone.  I'm not sure what all to say. 

I have a life long history of mental and phyical abuse since the age of about 7.  

I am an artist in many ways... I draw, I sing Opera, I play the piano, I am highly succesfull in my career..... blah blah blah.  

2 years ago my boyfriend and I decided if we were going to be parents, we had better do it, we weren't getting younger.  So we some how miraculously got pregnant.  I have Endometriosis and the hormones/ovaries and functionality of my parts was at best questionable.  But we did it!  At 18 weeks, on of my ovaries twisted and caused and 18cm (think basketball) cyst to develop.  They had to do uetrine surgery while I was pregnant.  Fortunately, everything went fine and we now have the most awesome 16 month old daughter in the world.  The end result on my body is that I now I have 1/4 of 1 ovary left.  I am still producing Testostermone at the regular level and Estrogen at 1/8 of the level it should be. 

Add to this that I was sick Eclampsia at 26 weeks and was in the hospital trying to keep our little girl in as long as possible.  She came at 29 weeks and I remained in the hospital for another 3 weeks.  That's 6 weeks total. 

NOW....... out of the hospital, had the baby, everything is fine.... we're past the stage where I should be completely and emotionally wiped out from "new mom"edness.  She's sleeping through the night and everything is as it should be in that regard.  Oh, I forgot... we got married in there too... a month after she was born.... oh and I only have one kidney so meds are a touchy subject to start with.

I have my own hormones all mixed up and I've had so many different drugs pumped into me from so many different doctors for so many different things over the past two years (in my mind) it's no wonder that I'm psycho....So I tried to wean myself off of all my medicine over the last couple weeks.  I was off of everything except I was taking 300mg Trileptal 1 x daily.  Nothing else, no tylenol... nothing. 

Three days ago I had a HUGE panic attack and now I'm bawling all the time and I don't want to get in the car or do anything... I'm not myself.  That's when it hit me, THIS is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life.  Yeah.... I'm DEFINETELY in a depressed state now.  I didn't personal see the "other" side as manic at all, but THIS is clearly a depresssed side.   

I got in to see my primary care yesterday to get stabilized:  They put me on basically the same thing I was on in the hospital except no Seroquel.  

300 mg Triplepal 2 x day

.5 Ativan 1 x day

50 mg Zolft 1 x day

I didn't cry yesterday, but I'm foggy/slow, so I guess it's working. 

How do you get past the "this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life" line of thinking and the impact it has on those around you?  I feel so incredibly guilty, my husband didn't ask for this and my daughter is innocent.  Seriously, it's got to get better than this..... right?

Pickles2011,

...

Hello, I'm Serenitee, Welcome to the Healingwell Site. This is a wonderful forum & community of members. They are awesome and are so very supportive, listen and give advice if its wanted.

Congratulations on your Wedding &your beautiful little girl. I'm sorry that you are struggling with some things right now.  I think your just having a hiccup right now. Try to talk to yourself and say that "realistically you won't be like this the rest of your life," you may have hiccups like this thru the years but your very on top of what your feeling which is such a positive thing to see in yourself. You are obviously a very strong woman. I was wondering if you just get your meds from your primary doctor or do you see a therapist or psychiatrist that is more specialized to help you with your depression?

A little bit about myself...I am 46, married 23 years, we have 7-beautiful kids, and 3-beautiful grand kids. In September I attempted suicide and the police took me at gunpoint to the Hospital where they put me on a lockdown for a couple weeks on the Psych Ward. This was my first time ever speaking to anyone at how I was feeling...I had never spoke to a psychiatrist and or therapists in my life till this happened. It was a terrifying experience, but they saved my life. When I was released from Inpatient I immediately started a Outpatient Treatment Program 5-days a week for 5-months...Dual-Diagnosed. I am still seeing my psychiatrist weekly.

Besides my mental health issues I suffer from a lot of medical problems. My 8-pregnancies but 7-live births have taken a toll on my body destroying my insides. I suffer from severe Pelvic & bladder trauma & dysfunction. My colon tore thru my vaginal wall and my colon and bladder fell out of my body, thus damaging a lot in the process. I have had 2-bladder lift sugeries, 2-rectocele surgeries, a vaginal vault lift surgery (lifting all organs and holding them up with mesh). I've had a abdominal hysterectomy, C-section, ruptured appendix almost dieing, tumor removed from head..., these are just a few of my operations and problems...Lol

I wish you all the best and look forward to chatting with you more. Healthy thoughts sent your way...Hugz & Smiles 2 you.

Your Healingwell Friend,

Serenitee

Diagnosed this year with Bipolar 2, Manic-Depressive, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Ptsd

The first available appointment with a psychiatrist on my health plan is August 11th. I couldn't wait due to the massive issue with the lack of meds and my mental state, so I saw my primary care for emergency meds stabilization. I will normally go see a Psychiatrist.

I am hopeful it doesn't always feel like this.... cuz this sux donkey doo.

I do plan on keeping the appointment, I know I need to see him and get it all out on the table, see if these are the right meds, etc. I've read that Trileptl can cause panic and I'm on Ativan for that, so.... I'm thinking something not's quite right.

I just don't know how to get past this stage I'm in where I feel so incredibly bad for everyone around me. I mean, my family and my friends. They need to know and from what I've read, they are going to be the ones to have let ME know when I'm on the edge.... I won't be able to tell myself. being OUT of control and having to rely on others for such a basic necessity is really taking it's toll on me.... I'm absolutely scared to death that my husband is going to decide that my brain is too much for him or our daughter to deal with and take her away from me that I try to hide a lot of the things that happen from him....

I'm just so friggin scared and I've never been truly scared of anything in my life.... but this. I'm absolutely horrified of going this without my family.

Post Edited (Pickles2011) : 7/22/2011 9:09:01 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Pickles,
It is a tough road for me too. Some people get really straightened out by their meds, but I find it still tough going even on meds. I'd hate to think what I would be like without meds!!!!! I am THAT unwell. Obviously atm I'm on a downer too. My pdoc says it is all PTSD but I don't think so. I can't get out of bed, even to go for a walk. The PTSD has triggered a depression imho, also a bit of bpd. My doc disagrees - says it is a normal response for someone who has been traumatised as they experience every day injustices through life, more intensely than non-traumatised people. But who doesn't get to 30 without some trauma right??? Life is dangerous and painful at times and who can escape those potholes and speedbumps indefinately. The anxiety about your illness seems to be worse than your illness atm. And those secondary emotions can be managed. I say that from a point of not being able to get to sleep two nights in a row and terrified to take the meds that would help me sleep because I felt so hypervigilant from anxiety. I'm working hard on keeping calm and relaxed. Focussing on body sensations and my breathing. I don't have a toddler and I take my hat off to you to be able to keep up with one, let alone managing what CAN BE a very difficult illness. I think we have to all march at our own pace, find what works for ourselves, and keep our expectations realistic according to the severity of our illness. If your illness is severe, accept it and give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for managing family life with the challenge and obstacles your illnesses bring. I'm really depressed atm, so my comment might be a bit "off" but right now I don't feel that there is any "easy" way, I feel like we just have to keep ploughing through it, one day at a time. It does get better out of depression though.