HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

My wife in which I love dearly has BP how to deal with it?????

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 8/22/2011 1:27 PM (GMT 0)
confused  

Someone please contact me to talk that has experienced this. I am married to a beautiful young girl and have been for 4 years now that I love so much that when I just look at her it makes me smile, but that smile goes away pretty quick as soon as I feel the rath of BiPolar snapping at me. I love her and have a child with her, he is now 19 months old and that makes her smile and drinking out with her makes her smile. But the toll of the BP disease has damaged our relationship. A little about me, I am a passive guy, I can forgive pretty easy or just let things go. But I am human the pain is building up inside of me from the things she has done to me, the hurt full words the disrespect and can I say loneliness!!! I agree totally with your comment about watching what you say or how you answer a question. I have to tell myself is this the answer she wants to hear????? I constantly pray for God to give me the strength and just try and forget but I have to admit I feel like giving up but I know my love is too strong for her to do that. I almost lost her once and I felt like my heart was going to stop beating on its own, the life that was in me was gone I could not stop crying ( And I am a Man what kind of man cries like that, also I have great supporting family that was there for me and a ton of understanding helping and loving friends) I am blessed that I do have a close friend that is a MD Doctor that is trying to help her with meds and every time I vent to him about her he says that sounds like his other BP patients that it's typical behavior. I just need the strengthen and the knowledge do I keep hanging on or do I give up, if I don't give up then how do I talk to her. When I bring up talking its like I am that pain in the ass emotional baby hubby of hers bugging her, until it blows up and I have something in stone that she cannot deny was wrong of her then I have some standing ground and she listens and says she will change. And sometimes she does for a short time but we always end up back like this. I write her letters but never give them to her because things are going ok and I don’t want to upset her. We cannot talk, well let me change that up a little bit, she cannot talk. What do I do???? I know she loves me just don’t feel like she is in love with me, I mean how can someone treat someone like this that they love??????? Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you want to contact me please feel free to do so. I will try to figure out how to make my own blog and see what happens.  Just leave a way for me to email you.

 

Thanks you.

Posted 8/23/2011 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, My spousehasBP,

Feelings get in the way of thinking with some bipolar folks, and when you're the victim who receives the lashing out, it gets very difficult to take, as you know. My husband found his solution by taking out his feelings on physical outlets because he was intelligent and knew that it was inappropriate to take them out on people. He did things like cut down trees, build things, use machinery for working on the farm--anything that expended extra energy and released anger in healthy ways. I used to sew a lot when I was angry. Husbands and wives are
in danger of explosive reactions when they are very close. Some distancing might be necessary for a short while until she learns new techniques for dispelling anger.

If you could teach your wife to do things that enable her to get her anger out without taking it out on you, it would be extremely helpful and very beneficial for you, as well. It could be that she just wasn't taught that it is incorrect (as a general rule) to take out anger on others.  Sometimes it's necessary to do that, however, particularly if one's integrity is being attacked. The secret is to do it gently; nothing is
stronger than gentleness, and it takes some living to be able to do that.

The meds are a necessity, I suppose. I would keep talking to her psychiatrist and give her every opportunity to correct the behavior through help with a psychiatrist, providing activity that she might engage in to relieve the anger and stress.

Good wishes and healthy living!

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/23/2011 9:29:00 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/23/2011 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
The only time to ever comfront her about how she treats me I usualy don't anymore, because with Bipolar they talk about triggers and how you should avoid them. Well that is a trigger if there ever was one, she can go from a good mood to anger or just the vibe she wants to get away from me ASAP. The only time I really ever get to talk to her about it is when she brings it up. She did go to a counsellor for awhile but ended up stopping because she felt like the counsellor was stuck on her meanding her probs with ther dad which she tried and her dad did not try back so that went no where. I think it got off base for treating BP. You know I would do anything for my family and I feel I have. I keep telling myself if somone was holding a gun to my wife's head and said it was either her or me I would tell them to shoot me so I wouldnt I take this heart ache? But man there are some weeks I can't eat, sleep I don't act myself I am not me. Im insecure about myself, Im lonely I just hurt on the inside. I talked to some friends that are real understanding and they say you can't live your life that way, I don't want to leave her and I frankly don't seeing myself saying those words. She is going to say it to me before I said it to her, this girl talks future with me. She does not see herself with out me but let me tell you this. Although she loves me and I know she does, this girl does get hurt by friends and family memembers but she can turn her feelings off like no one I have ever seen just like a light switch. So if I stand my ground and said I am leaving her because of this or even just do something to get her back for what she has done to me she can and will pay me back, she knows how to hurt me and if she is mad she wil stick a knife in my hearts and super glue it there. In closeing I want to say I am venting all this bad stuff about her and you all are not reading the good part of my wife, if you get past the anger and the BP she has a great heart that she got from her mom. She is beautiful beyound words can say, her touch can make me accomplish things that I might be able to accomplish with out her. Just seeing her walk by me I keep my eyes on her, if she smiles it makes me smile, she laughs and I am so happy and filled with joy inside. Makeing love to her today would be just like the first time for me. I have not lost the spark of love and wanting her around over the 5 years that I have known her. She is absolutely positively the ONE for me!!! But for the first time last weekend I did have thoughts of telling her I wanted to split because of descisions she has made and secrets she kept from me. The anger, the mental abuse, the distant feelings I can handle but secrects HELL NO. But then I tell myself, it's the BP, makeing us distant and causeing her to want to keep secrets.... So we ended up going to church on Sunday for the first time in a long time which was the day I was going to tell her how I felt and she smiled in church, the pastor and his wife greeted us with joy which made her happy, we went out to eat and hung out so needless to say I chickened out because my love took over. Then woke up monday with a sick stomach couldnt get it out of my mind, search internet for the advice and ran across this site. And told myself I was going to give her the 7 page note I wrote her last week and start it out that way. Well got home she was super nice our son was being funny and it got brought up to take the kids to the zoo on the week end so guess what I chickened out again. Just not doing anything is making it worse I know but the happy times just take me over I dont want to lose her and somewhere in my heart if I do this I KNOW I will end up losing her I know!!! My heart is acheing, I a lonely, I want her to be all about me and our family and dedicate herself to us then maybe yes we can get make it. I LOVE my WIFE and would do anything for her, so what do I do? I am searching for an answer I know but cant find the answer to how I can make myself proceed with the solution.
Posted 8/23/2011 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, again, MyspousehasBP,

Your conversation today indicates an intelligent, loving man caught in
a situation of serious illness without assistance from your wife in an effort to heal it. My first inclination is to say please see a psychiatrist and talk to him about what the best course for you to follow is. He/she will know what stage of the illness your wife is in and what needs to be done to get her on proper medications. Somehow, she needs to think about herself and realize through the fog that she is hurting other people seriously. I believe the psychiatrists are excellent in helping with that. They will lead you as best they know how.

You know that we are not doctors and can tell you only what has worked for us. Insight into her illness would help her if she were willing either to read about it or discuss it with an expert (meaning a psychiatrist).

What I can suggest to you is something that I was told by my psychiatrist when I suffered with depression: 1. don't eat or drink anything that has caffeine in it; it makes the illness worse. Ditto for
alcohol, and take my meds, and get my rest. Of all the things that
helped me, it was cutting caffeine out of my diet; taking my meds and
getting my rest. I didn't drink, so that was unimportant.

A website called ruthwhalen.com is helpful for understanding how bipolar illness can be misdiagnosed in people who have an allergy to caffeine. If your wife has such an allergy, removing caffeine will help to clear up the problem over a period of months; but, mind you, only if it's an allergy. It is, also, an addictive substance and does make depression worse.

Keep alert to your children; you don't want them to be affected by your wife's mood swings. The illness can take its toll on you, as well. Please keep talking to the psychiatrists to strengthen your own knowledge and self-image following her attacks.

This may seem like adding a bandaid to a serious wound, but good people I know always believed that taking a vacation offering a change of scenery for a few days often helped the atmosphere in the home.

The children might enjoy that.  You see, depressed people can't always see clearly across the board in their minds about what's really happening; opening things to a different environment might help to

break that blocked space in the mind of a depressed person.

Many of us will keep you in our prayers.

Keep posting as you wish.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/23/2011 12:39:45 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/23/2011 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Thank You! I appreciate your words of support, as of the things you listed that she needs to stay away from. Well everyone one of them is a big part of her life, She has migranes and I am not talking about the mild migranes every once in awhile she has the once that does her in and if she doesnt catch them in time she is at the hospital getting a shot. When I married her I made her go to a bunch of different specialist and one that even has kids with migranes and deticated her life to helping people with them. And after a year of working with her she basicaly said maybe one day you will grow out of them. Which does happen, so as of taking drugs she takes them quite oftern to control migranes, then as of the caffine, she loves it she drinks coke and mt dew. when she backs off of it her headaches tend to increase sometimes the caffine helps her. Now she is young and doesnt have all her drive to run and go out drive totally out of her system so she loves to go out and dance and hang with friends. She is a typical BP person she sometimes and most of the time over does it when she goes out. SO needless to say I feel in love and deticated my life to someone that has allot of baggage but to me she is worth it! But the resentment is setting in which I do not want. That is my sons mother I love her. One last thing as the psychiatrist this can't happen because the only way we can get one is to go to this group and then you go talk to someone and go through a series of questions an interview basically so they can evaluate you then they will decide who to send you to in the group. So you get to try and get your self to open up and spill your guts to two people. Yea right!!!! who thought of that?????? Great system, someone having serious emotional problems really wants to go through and evaluation right, makes me angry that they would make you do that. So if we dont do that then guess what they are not in the network so insurance doesnt cover it, and My wife and I are in that bracket where we cant get help from the goverment or state because we make too much but we are at that line where we make just enough to get by. So we found a counselor she agree to talk to which I think I mentioned before well she might of ruined it for my wife because my wife said everyday she went to see her she said so how are you doing and just looked at her. So sorry my posts are so long but the emotions in side of me are sooooo strong I don't know what to do sometimes. I am in a hopeless situation unless I just get out and I do not believe in divorce especialy something like this, this might be another justification I tell myself but to leave someone when they are sick or because of a illness that would be in my mind a ticket to darnation, that is so wrong, " in sickness and health till death do you part" That is the truth, you get a divorce because of other reasons that you absolutely can't work out. People divorce to quickly because its toooooo easy to do. I commited and want to stick to it, she has my heart in her hands just pray she dont sqeeze it toooo tight and pop it.

Love you all that stick to your spouse and thanks again for your support.
Posted 8/23/2011 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Remember that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Keep helping
her to see that certain foods and beverages are not good for her.
And look for the light at the end of the trip. 

What a shame that you can't get a psychiatrist who will talk to you as a couple and not have you be part of a group of people.  I didn't want that either when I first saw a psychiatrist.  It's too personal, I thought, to discuss with a group of folks.  Now, it wouldn't make a bit of difference.  See if you are able to find a specialist willing to talk to just the two of you.  Check your phonebook for doctors and call one in a nearby town or something to get her into therapy.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/23/2011 12:35:33 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/23/2011 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
We are both in a very similar situation! I read your post and I would guess that I wrote that without remembering. I love my wife more than anything in this world and right now she is saying that she no longer wants to be in the marriage with me. Just over a week ago she was in a very bad state of depression and I did everything in my power to make her come out of it! During it she even posted on Facebook that she had the best hubby in the world because I take such good care of her, this is an on going thing of her telling everyone and myself how much she loves me. Then just a few days later she drops on me that she has very strong feelings for another man and wants out of our marriage! Anytime I try to talk to her she says she is so tired of everyone blaming everything she does on bipolar! I know she needs to get on the correct meds but she doesn't think anything other than the one she is currently on is needed! She needs to be put onto a mood stabilizer!
I know it's a mental illness and this is why I'm not quitting, I love her far to much to give up on her!
Posted 8/24/2011 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
Man I am sorry to hear that it has went that far for you, that sort of thing messes with me bad. I married her knowing about her anger and mood swings and I can deal with it. But the insecurity and distrust thing is what would do me in. I just have to keep in mind that is BP and that she loves me and doesnt want to lose me just as I dont want to lose her. What I don't understand is the risk she takes and the things she puts in from of me and our relationship. When they start taking chances and risking losing you then that tell me that it doesnt matter to her that she will lose you. Then you read stuff that says it's the BP in them. So tell me is it??? Or is it like a spoiled child you let them get away with something because they are young and they do it again and know that they can blame it on being young. So is these risk they take and the reason why they take them is it the BP or because they can get away with it because they know you are supporting them with the struggle of this disease?? See how crazy this stuff can make a person.

Just to let you know I just had a conversation with my wife about her wieght, this girl is a beautiful girl, she gets hit on all the time she has been asked to be in calendar. The thing is I see that she is beautiful but her beauty to me is different it comes from my heart not my lust. Well she gained a little wieght but in my eyes I think it looks better, well she is wanting to take diet pill so I spoke her aboutthe diet pills and her drinkin hi caffiene sodas and she said that she would give or cut back on the soda but not because of the BP but because she wants to lose wieght. She does not know the seriousness of the BP she just thinks its just an anxiety or stress issue that she has to live with. And she deals with it like she deals with her migranes take drugs and wait for it to go away but she does not see the damage that is going on around her. Anyways my heart goes out to you and to be honest I wished it wouldnt come back so the ache in my chest would stay gone.

 

Posted 8/24/2011 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
I can't explain the amount of hurt I have right now! I try to tell her that she needs more help but she just keeps on yelling at me to give up it's over and that she is not just bipolar!
She tells me she wants the space because it's over and then she keeps on contacting me for the smallest things and acts like there is nothing wrong. As if it's just a normal day in our marriage!
I've confided in other psychiatrist on line and he told me that she is really in need of a mood stabilizer and that she is definitely making unreasonable decisions due to the influence of underlying mania of bipolar disorder! He also says that she is lying about things she has told me her psychiatrist said.
Again, she thinks she is fine and making her own decisions and they are not due to her bipolar disorder! I can't force her to the hospital or to seek any other help so what am I suppose to do? I love her way to much to just give up on my marriage. Besides, I have a 2 and a 5 year old who are going to be greatly affected by all of this. My family is my life and I can't just give up but at the same time I can't just sit back and let her possibly sleep around on me while she thinks she doesn't love me!
I agree with what you said. Is it the bipolar or just a spoiled child that knows they can get away with it? My wife has gotten away with a lot of things through out her life so it's hard to tell. She definitely loves being the center of attention though!
I'm trying to get in touch with her psychiatrist to try and get something done. Anyway I'm going to fight till the end for her because when she isn't having underlying mania and she is level she is the most beautiful person I know.
All the best to you!
Posted 8/24/2011 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I went through that same thing last March, the advice I can give you is to give her space dont touch her or tell her you love her or hug her or anything, UNLESS she wants it. Let her know that you are backing off not because you want to but because you love her. Let her know that you are there for her and that you would support her through anything and you will always love her. Then when she calls to ask something just answer it, dont ask how she is doing just talk like its all normal then let time slowly heal things and if she realy truely loved you she will miss you if not use the time to stop missing her then if you find out it is truely over then you got a head start on it. I did this, her mom supported me though, with out her and the help of praying I would not of made it. You need support, her mom was a blessing from God to me!!! If you truely love your wife then stick by her but be prepared although she might not ever leave you again but she will make you hurt again if she has True BP, make sure that you want that. I don't want it but I would die for my family so I am staying with my wife until she leaves me or I die. I have to admit leaving her has came to mind but I know what it felt like not having her and I don't want to go back to that so thats why I am on this site. I need support, knoweledge, understanding, venting and someway to get suggestions on where to go from here. Now remember if you do get distant from your wife make sure SHE KNOWS your doing it for her to give her space and not to hesitate to contact you at least until she comes back or you had enough.

Good Luck
Posted 8/25/2011 11:14 AM (GMT 0)
I can only add to what's already been said, and I'm a new member to the site. I've been married for 16 years and my husband's diagnosis has been wrong for most of that. True, the illness has developed from what seemed to be depression. True, the psychiatrists missed asking all the right questions and gave him anti-depressants, which exacerbated his condition.

For the first time, we have it right. Mixed state Bipolar. But, months or years of high stress and wrong medication have turned him into a person who he's never been. Angry, swearing at me, talking about irrational business ventures. It scares me and I also can't eat or sleep. I love him to bits and have adapted my behaviour over and over to understand the illness. I wonder all the time how much more I can cope with, when my husband is coming back to me. But he's taking meds, going to appointments and I recognise that it'll take time for the hypomania to subside. I hope... that's all you can do, take every day and hope that you get through it okay. I'm learning, learning not to ask him how his day is (very hard), but I still chase him around for conversation, habits are hard to break. I feel insecure, unloved, like he doesn't care. But I know he does. The confusion is exhausting.

I've found little or no support for me, hence why I've joined this forum. There aren't any evening talking groups, people who can tell me that his behaviours are the illness and not the person. But I love him dearly and hope that the meds will work soon, that we'll be able to talk soon, that with the meds programme in place that we can have a few years together of stability.
Posted 8/25/2011 2:14 PM (GMT 0)
Polo,

I want to talk to you about some comments you made, such as asking your husband how his day was, what does this do when you ask him that? I can not understand why that is so bad to ask, I like to be asked that and have always been told that a relationship should have conversations like this to help your partner vent about his or her day. Now why is this something you shouldnt ask a BP spouse???? Because when I ask my wife I usualy just get a smart reply never truely about her day, if I want to hear about her day she has to of had drama in it or something someone done to her or someone else that she didn't like and she will tell me all about that but never about her day. I try not to ask but I want to know....

Also another comment you made, you said you feel like your chasing him around to have a conversation..... wow I feel like I do the same thing, the nights my wife doesnt work I try to talk to her and get one word replies or I feel like I am bugging her or she acts like she just wants to lay there with her eyes closed. She makes me feel like I am the clingy spouse not giving her room, but in my mind I havent seen her in over 24 hrs because she works opposite times that me and just want to have a conversation and my friend to just talk to. I then get my feelings hurt or upset inside whatever you want to call it and get up and walk away, sometime and I mean sometimes she will feel a little guilty and open up to me and talk about something. I find myself just digging in my mind trying to find something that would trigger interests from her and get her to talk but most of the time I am a guy so I say things she has no interests in and triggers her and she gets mad at me or snaps at me and makes me feel dumb. My wife that I tell everyday that I love, that I think she is beautiful or pretty or perfect makes me feel dumb. Where is my support, where is hey you look good today or you did a good job on fixing that this weekend. Or your a good dad, which I tell her she is a good mom or that her son was saying mommy today and make her feel special anytime I get. I get nothing. Why do I love her when she doesnt love me back, I know she does though or she wouldnt be with me. I know she does but just dont understand if you love someone why cant you show it. I know she feels guilty sometime about it and leaves me a little something saying I love you from time to time but most of the time it just doesnt feel sincere to me or when she says it back it just seems like ahhh I have to say it because he just said it to me. One example, last nite was one of the nights I was starving for attention from a adult, and she had a little over an hour before she had to go to work, I havent seen her in about 24 hrs so I sit next to her and put my hand on her ankle because she is lying down. I look at her and as I am looking at her I can feel how much I just love her and want to help her and support her and be with her. Well I try and strike a conversation with her, well guess what I strike out. Then it just comes out I cant help it I say I love you she moves her head to adjust her pillow and says it back and I dont even think all the words came out or even pronouced right with the same time her eyes rolled or had a irritated look to them then they closed like she was ignoring the comment or saying gheesh just give me some space. Ok if 24 hrs isnt enough time away from somone that in my head that person is not who you should be with, but tell me is that true or is it the BP???????????? Which is IT?????? Does anyone know????? Is there a way to find out for sure?????????? Where can I find this answer??????? If she shouldnt be with me then let me go and try to get over it then cause Im so tired of hurting................ But if it is the BP then I love her and I will deal with it until I die I want her to have what she wants I really do.......... My love for her is like love for your child you want them to be happy and what they want no matter what sacrifices that you have to make.


Sorry so long I meant to put a short comment down.....
Posted 8/25/2011 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

Well... I've gotten used to walking in these past few weeks and saying "how are you" and he says "how do you THINK I feel" .... if I get a response at all.  Then there's usually some slamming of cups, drawers, doors and he generally storms out.  I then chase after wondering what on earth has happened during the day to have such a a reaction.  I should have learnt by now to just walk away and say nothing.  He doesn't want to know about my day, he just wants to kick out and he's good at it.  Is it his behaviour or the illness?  Well, my Carer's Support person thinks that this is personality, childish tantrums.  But when he's well, he doesn't do this, so I'm not sure.

Like you, I'm tired.  Tired of being hurt and rejected, thinking this is the norm.  I wait patiently wondering if today is the day that the mood will shift, desperately wanting him to be happy.  I've fallen into the extreme co-dependency psychology as I have both him and my elderly dad to care for.  I don't have much life left of my own, I can't remember the last spell when I felt about to laugh and feel free. 

I look back and like everyone with a BP spouse, there's that goodness inside the person that you yearn to re-appear.  I pray all the time that as he's meds compliant that he will soon and that we'll be able to live again.  That the stupidness and torment of the negative behaviours will stop.  I don't know if I'm being compassionate and caring and supportive or just an idiot!!

 

Posted 8/25/2011 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
It's funny my wife is opposite and I wonder if it is the bipolar or if indeed it is real. My wife insists that our marriage is over. When I tell her I love her she tells me that I can't love enough for both of us! I wouldn't have as much of a problem dealing with this if just before her massive bout of depression she wasn't telling me just how much she loved and needed me. I have never felt so much hurt in all my life but I love her so much and only want her to get the treatments she needs to make our lives continue the way I know deep inside she wants it to!
One minutes she is screaming at me because I'm trying to tell her I love her and want to get her help. Then the next minute she wants to carry on a conversation with me like there has never been an issue, like we're still happily married and no trouble in our marriage. I know she's been lying to her psychiatrist about what's going on so I'm sending him a letter to make sure that he gets the right information. She won't even allow me to go to sessions with her anymore so I have no idea what she is telling him.
She says she is moving out and has actually taken the first steps in doing so today. I love her with all my heart and will do anything to keep us together but I can't force her to stay! This time I think BP has taken my life away from me and my boys!! I'm still not going to give up hope though, just give her the space to do what she thinks she needs to.
Posted 8/25/2011 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
My experience shows that BP sufferers actively push people out of the lives.  My husband has done with his son(s).  It's easier for them, then there's no expectations to meet, nobody to disappoint.   And other people are happy to run away, mental illness is a struggle to understand and I hear phrases that so and so needs to "protect" their children from my husband as though he's mad.  I find the world a sad place.

Ironically, and I don't know if your wife has this in her, when I stop chasing after my husband, he starts making an effort with me.  They get used to one person making the effort all the time and lazy in returning effort.  If she goes, maybe have a strategy in place.  Use the time to sleep, see friends, mourn your loss, get used to not giving, take your boys out, talk to them.  Keep the door open with your wife and see if she flies back.  My guess (and it is a guess) is that she panicking and pushing away is easy. 

When I lost my rag the other day at my husband for the first real time, I said that we should split, that he should move out.  I regretted it and apologised over and over.  I got the concrete face.  So, I backed off and wrote him an email saying that I knew he wasn't speaking to me but I wanted him to know four things and bullet pointed four short sentences.  I felt I had my say without face-to-face conflict and I didn't get a response by email, which I counted as a good thing!!

 

Posted 8/25/2011 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Tech,

Polo is right, now neither of us know your situation so we are going on our experiences. Let her go use the time to heal your self but let her know although you are hurt and you would do anything to get her back you are going to give her space that you will not tell her you love her you will not give her a hug or touch her when she is near and your not going to contact her BUT you want to that all these things are still there for her if she wants them. That you know she needs space and time and if thats what it takes you will give it to her. That you would die for her and your family why wouldnt you do this???? So tell her to not think you dont love her or that your done but this is her choice and your door is open for her. Just for her sake lets hope she doesnt wait too long and you have already moved on.

Polo,

Sometimes I wonder if I should do that too, should I just walk in after work and just go on like nothing or should I keep saying how are you or what did you do today, or how was your day. I ask how our son did today I get the answer how do you think, or same as he always does and then she is irritated at me because its like I asked her a dumb question. I came home yesterday and like I said earlier I could tell she was in a bad mood but I thrived for that adult conversation not to smoother her just to talk. I didnt get it, then I left to go pick our son up I didnt ask her to go with because I could tell she didnt want to be around me. I acted like it didnt bother and said bye Ill be back. I took my time getting home and then when I got home and you could see the look on her face that she was in a diff. mood. I wanted to keep it going so I know she likes a cetain something to eat so I offered to go get it before she went to work and I said something about it being nice outside wished she didnt have to work so we could go for a walk and she said lets go and then get the food that if we did it quick she would have time. I agreed and she left for work in a good mood. So I dont know what to do other than keep that up. But I can't just walk into the house and ignore her, not say hi, or give her a hug. I do it everytime she is there when I get home, she just acts like it makes her more angry when I do that. How the heck does it make someone mad by saying how was our son today, or how are you doing or how was your day. That is a nice gesture, and easy answered question. Not stupid, Not a smothering question, not annoying, just a gesture showing you care about your spouse. BP or not I agree with your phyc. it's being spoiled, or immature. Although they have had something or in someway had something trigger that feeling inside of them which they referr to as BP that they are an adult and are not mentaly challenged. They themselves know right from wrong and they could suck it up and say I had a headache today and Im not in a realy good mood sorry it's not you. Then I or you could go on and finish out our day knowing it wasn't me that caused this mood or that they just finaly decided that day of how they can get out of the relationship because they were not happy anymore. This is what goes through my head when this happens and it can absolutely just run my day. Just those simple words can help. And yes I have told her this.
Posted 8/26/2011 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for your input and suggestions. What you have suggested h
Just happened yesterday. She moved out of the house, attempting to move in with her parents. It didn't work out so well though so I have no idea what her next plan is. She is staying with her brother for the weekend.
I did just as you said even before I got your posts. I told her how much I love her and although I am so angry with her I was still jump in front of a bus and die for her! Then after she left the house I sent her a text message saying that I knew she didn't want to hear it but that I loved her and was going give her what she wants. That from this point on I would not bother her and I asked her to not communicate with me in anyway unless it was involving something with our kids! She agreed. By the end of the day she called and tried to small talk with me. I immediately asked her if she wanted to talk to our boys and she said yes. As soon as she was done talking to them, again she tried small talk with me again telling me how she was going out with her friend tomorrow night. I simply told her to have a good time and she replied "I will" I then said goodbye! It was a civil conversation but I know that if I say something she doesn't want to hear she will just blow up and call me the bad guy! I just hope this the right approach and she comes home to me soon. I miss her so much!!
Do your spouses ever show childish behavior? My wife does. The friend she is going out with is an 18 year girl she has become best friends with! My wife is almost 32! I think she is trying to live the life of a kid again to forget about all of the life responsibilities she has as a parent!
I'm putting up a good front and patiently hoping and waiting for her to snap out of this, I know she really does love me but like you said it's just easier for her to push me away than attempt to return love!
I just finished writing a letter to her psychiatrist in hopes that he will read it and rush her in to see him. There is no way she is telling him everything when she sees him because he has made no adjustments or anything to her meds. Hell he hasn't even given her a mood stabilizer yet!
Posted 8/26/2011 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
I went through a very similar thing with my wife, all you can do is hope that her love and commitment to you and your family is true and strong. If you have supported her and been there for her when she needed you and now she does not have the love and support she will miss that. Her hanging out with someone that is in single party mode is not good influence on her and is not good at all for your relationship but the truth to be said there is nothing you can do about it. You can try to be mr. fix it all you want but it all goes back to your relationship with each other and her morales. You have to hope that she will make the right choices and her phsyc is going to give her the right support that she needs to deal with her issues. By you sending that letter to her Doctor could cause your relationship more harm than good. But if the Doctor does take the letter seriously then maybe it will do her some good for the Doctor knowing the other side of the story which is what you want if your worried about her well being more than your own. The point I am getting to is that if she finds out about the letter that is you getting involved in her buisness again even though you told her you were not going too. If she truely has BP she will blow up on u and it will prob. be one of the worst episodes that you have seen. To call out a BP spouse on their faults and things they have done wrong to you is like setting a bomb off inside them. I hope this does not happen to your, find you a friend to support you, talk to her mom and let them know that your stepping back but only cause she asked you to that you love their daughter ant that you will be there for what ever they need you for. Hopefully it works out for you...
Posted 8/26/2011 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
I know I have thought of that and I know that she will absolutely blow up but I'm running out of hope! Her family thinks at this point it's the only option we have left too! She has been trying to text me for the simplest things like to ask how are boys are. I respond with one word "fine" and then she wants to start small talk by asking if we have any plans? I told her that she has to understand how hurt I am and that I thought we agreed that she wasn't going to communicate with me. She replied that she was sorry and that she was just curious about the kids and that I wouldn't hear from her again until Sunday!
Posted 8/26/2011 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Do you think they try to do certain things to make you hate them? Just so that it's easier for them to do what they think they want.
Posted 8/29/2011 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
I would put it as to hate them no, but definetly I know for a fact my wife will try to pick a fight to make their guilt easier on them when she does something that she knows will hurt me. A person with this type of personality has a conscouis and they know right from wrong, but if they have that drive that they want to do something they do not want someone there to tell them not to do it. And even though they know that their spouse does not want them to do it they tend to do it anyway. I have a feeling that they could help this part of ther BP, it's all choice. They are adults they know right from wrong, they know it will hurt you. This is not something that can be blamed on BP in full. It's choice, maturity, and common sense. The only difference I think is a person with BP will have more of a drive to do things that will hurt their spouse just to fullfill the mania or ease the mania or anger/depression inside of them. They tend to either get bored or need to keep their mind busy so they don't think of the pain or anger they have inside of them. So lashing out at someone or doing things to hurt the ones close to them is common. I accept the anger and hurtful words, I knew this when I married my wife it is something I knew so I deal with that. The actions is the thing that I have a problem with that I hold resentment inside of me. These are things that can be avoided by choice, and by thinking of their loved ones before themselves, it is the person being selfish, spoiled, being a bratt and thinking to themselves they will get over it. Revenge on someone with BP I think is a mistake!!!! Please someone correct me if I am wrong but a person with BP can barry their feelings of love towards someone easier that most. If you have someone say well just do it back to them, stop showing interests, start talking to other people that will make them insecure just like they have you then they will appreciate you more. I think this is a big mistake, not to mention you got married the childish game playing of girlfriend boyfriend should be over. They can just barry those feelings towards you a lot easier than you can them. Please correct me someone if that is wrong.

Tech

So my answer is yes they do things to provoke a fight so they do not feel as guilty when they hurt you. This is how they cope with it, and I don't think this is narrowed down to just BP patients this pertains to anyone who likes playing childish, selfish games with their partner. Do be quick to blame BP for everything, BP just magnifies the actions of Bratts thats it. Now KEEP in mind this is just my opinion.
Posted 8/29/2011 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
[quote]I think is a person with BP will have more of a drive to do things that will hurt their spouse just to fullfill the mania or ease the mania or anger/depression inside of them.[/quote]

No.  Bipolar disorder alters cognition in more ways than mood episodes.  In an episode, judgment is impaired and thinking is flawed, but the person believes it to be true.  Yes, people can be malicious.  BUT, it would be false to say that bipolar disorder makes a person want to be hurtful.

In my opinion there are 2 types of people with bipolar disorder: those diagnosed and compliant to treatment and those who are not diagnosed or not compliant to treatment.

I have bipolar disorder and I have no drive to hurt the people I love. 

When I am anxious I will be short with my fiance, he'll tell me that I'm crabby and I go take my anti-anxiety med.  (See how easy that is when the bipolar partner is compliant?)  I have no intent to snap at him, this disorder causes cognition changes that I am always trying to learn to overcome.

He doesn't monitor my symptoms, but he'll say something if he notices anything out of the ordinary.  Yesterday I wasn't careful what I did during the day and I did a lot of stimultating activities and was around people that triggered an elevated mood.  He asked if I took my meds.  I had forgotten and took it then (only 1 hour late).  He got good sex out of my elevated mood and I'm back to normal and able to work today.

IF you have a bipolar partner who is compliant with treatment, life can be good.  You can give feedback that will cause actual change before any of the toxic symptoms start.  You'd find yourself in a good relationship with a person who will never let you get bored.  smilewinkgrin

 

Posted 8/29/2011 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
All,

Ok just wanted to put a post up on a little what is going on in my roller coaster ride. Well I still love my wife very very much, I still look at her and feel like I just want to give her a kiss and say I love you. Just this little action from me can trigger her mood if its not done at the right time. She sometime takes it as me smoothering her or its the mood that she is in that is not what she wants to here. Well we spent time together as a family this weekend and all went fairly well, She didnt snap at me but a few times, and she hung out with me and the family. Now my wife has these up an downs sometimes the mania is bad but after reading some of the other members posts I know my wife isnt as bad as most. When the anger comes out she does take it out of me but not to the extreme I read about on some of the posts. I am not sure that is because I am a calm and passive individual or if she just suffers less. Well I gave my wife all the love I could this weekend and talked support to her in what she was involved in, we didnt make it out on the town so alcohol wasn't involved and she got allot of rest so the stress level was down so things were not too bad.

I am aware that allot of my posts are long winded and I do appoligize for that but the words just keep flowing out I guess because of my emotions towards the situation. But Please if someone is reading this can they answer this question preferably a woman that suffers with BP or knows allot about it. If I don't get an answer I might start a new topic and see if I can get it that way. Well here it goes.

My wife I don't think she looks at me the same as she did in the beginning, I even look at pictures of us early on and I see a different gleam in her eyes than I do now. She doesn't act like she enjoys sex with me like she use too, it seems like it is harder to get her to reach orgasms that it use to be. She shows she is more interested in hearing how nice she looks from other people, when I say it she says thanks with no excitment or any kind of flattered feelling. She doesnt lay next to me or when I come in the door if I get a hug from her it's like she is doing it because she has too. Ok so all this stuff is definetly warnings signs of someone that is getting ready to leave you I am not stupid. But is it a different case when it comes to BP???? This is my question because I am totaly confused....... bad and here is why. She talks future constantly, talks about our future finances when she gets done with school, on where we will live or what kind of house we will have or how she wants our room to be set up or something she wants for our kitchen. Also she keep wanting to get family pictures of all of us together. Now why would you want this if you were thinking you didn't want to be with this person anymore or wasnt sure? She also talks to me about having another kid, and not just me she mentions it to everyone when the subject gets brought up. She just spoke to me this weekend about what we would name the baby if it was a girl or boy. Now here is the kicker we are in no way finacialy stable for another kids so we were both talking it would be in 2 to 5 years. So why does she act like this but talk future is that part of BP, her conversations to me and her mom confuses the both of us, why does she act this way and do things that can destroy our relationship if she does not look at her future with me not in it? If any female could answer this that would be great!!!!

Thanks In Advance!!!!!
Posted 8/29/2011 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Tortoise11


"No. Bipolar disorder alters cognition in more ways than mood episodes. In an episode, judgment is impaired and thinking is flawed, but the person believes it to be true. Yes, people can be malicious. BUT, it would be false to say that bipolar disorder makes a person want to be hurtful.

In my opinion there are 2 types of people with bipolar disorder: those diagnosed and compliant to treatment and those who are not diagnosed or not compliant to treatment.

I have bipolar disorder and I have no drive to hurt the people I love.

When I am anxious I will be short with my fiance, he'll tell me that I'm crabby and I go take my anti-anxiety med. (See how easy that is when the bipolar partner is compliant?) I have no intent to snap at him, this disorder causes cognition changes that I am always trying to learn to overcome.

He doesn't monitor my symptoms, but he'll say something if he notices anything out of the ordinary. Yesterday I wasn't careful what I did during the day and I did a lot of stimultating activities and was around people that triggered an elevated mood. He asked if I took my meds. I had forgotten and took it then (only 1 hour late). He got good sex out of my elevated mood and I'm back to normal and able to work today.

IF you have a bipolar partner who is compliant with treatment, life can be good. You can give feedback that will cause actual change before any of the toxic symptoms start. You'd find yourself in a good relationship with a person who will never let you get bored. "

If my wife is crabby and I tell her that it triggers it even worse, she takes meds before she goes to bed, and was not ever told to take another pill in a case where she was feeling in one of her mood swings. I just wonder if that might help if she was told that. She is compliant with that she will take the meds like she has been before she goes to bed but she doesnt read up on it & I know she doesnt realize how serious the disease is or what she puts me through. She is the type of person that does not see her wrong to the fullest, she has commented on that she knows that she snaps at me but she also says that she doesnt only treat me that way she snaps at her mom too that she could not live without. Her mom is everything to her.

You are a good person to be aware of the situation and take your husbands feedback. You are a good person.
Posted 8/29/2011 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
P.S. I dont get bored with her thats for sure but somtimes I wished I was because what she does to keep me on my toes causes anxiety in my heart and I am the type of person that does not suffer from anxiety. :)
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12