Posted 9/29/2011 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry you have had to face such horrible things in your life Andy. Sexual abuse causes chaos in all areas of our lives (I'm a survivor myself).
You were taken advantage of by a family member. Someone your child self thought you could trust. That trust was violated and it makes it very difficult to trust again.
You don't trust yourself and make questionable decisions. You don't trust others, especially if they get really close to us, and that leads to relationship problems
I'd say you might have abandonment issues also. You probable feel abandoned by your family on some level and losing your Grandfather must have triggered lots of those emotions. Obviously he didn't abandon you. But death is still a huge loss that can cause conflicting emotions like depression.
What medications did your counsellors put you on?
It is hard to find the right fit when you are looking for a medical health care professional. But I also know that I've projected some of my own feelings of anger and abandonment on to my psychologists/psychiatrists. It's called transference and countertransference in psych speak. So it is possible that something like that could be happening unconsciously.
It is horrible to feel lonely and depressed. But you have come here now so you aren't alone anymore:)
I was sexually abused by my stepfather when I was 7. My mother saw it happening once. She called my stepfather out the room and asked him about him about it. He said I was aroused and that he didn't know what to do. He said it only happened one time.
He lied and my mother believed him. She didn't ask me about it. I was 7 so I wasn't sure what was happening. But she sat me down with my stepfather and told me 'he is my boyfriend, not your boyfriend. There are difficult kinds of love and that is not the way to express it'
I believed her and kept the secret all through my childhood, my teenage years, while I was a Psych Major. It finally took several break downs and a friend asking me if I had been sexually abused. I denied it but told her the story. One look on her face and I knew what really happened.
That is when my world crumbled. I went into a long manic episode and then a long depression. I did some awful things during this time. I'm 30 now and I'm finally getting treatment. Treatment does help
It takes awhile to get the meds right. But see if you can ask a counsellor or doctor about Dialectical behavioural Therapy. It helps with the mood swings but it really helps with chronic trauma, which you must be dealing with also.
You aren't alone. I don't know you, but I would never give up on you as a fellow survivor. You have nothing to feel bad about. You had terrible things happen to you. You are being incredibly brave to put yourself first and look for help.
Please stick around, read, and share with us. There is no question too small or stupid.
I believe in you. I also know it is much easier to give advice than to take your own. So try be patient with yourself.
xo
M