self view and working

My self view - i call it self view becuase its not quite self esteem or self worth its more how i view myself - is not exactly positive. I see myself as a person who has mood changes and psychotic moments. At this moment. When ive had two good days in a row i start to see myself as i used to see myself - as a capable person who is smart and can handle a 'real" job with "real" responsibilities. then when i have a swing or a break i reassess and think im not able to handle anything more than the most menial customer service job folding clothes.
Next week i have a mock interview. Problem is today i had a mood swing and started dancing in the computer room with two gluesticks i took off the help desk (pretending they were glowsticks) and being hyper. then when i crashed i realized how on earth can i keep a job if i start acting like this at my job say when im a cashier and ringing someone up or something like that. Even at a menial customer service job? I'd be fired right? So i have no confidence for my mock interview. The voices came and told me to just end it.. that its hopeless.. i m not listening to them but there was a moment of pressure..
Anyway thats where I am right now all my confidence drained by these moments where im not in control.

Are you basing your self-worth on your wellness or ability to work? You are more than your symptoms. Having symptoms is not a crime, it is part of coping with a chronic illness. I'm not sure you will feel well without addressing your fears.

Hypomania mania have a silver lining: enthusiasm, fresh ideas, begin outgoing and well-liked. You have energy, fresh perspective. I did very well working a high stress job while hypomanic for more than a year. I was fired within weeks of the episode ending. Their loss. NOW, I know that I should have asked for accomodations long before, and could have sued for wrongful termination. Ah, well.

My point is that you can embrace some of bipolar disorder. You are not broken. Bipolar disorder makes you interesting, never boring. You are at times, amazingly capable. You probably have topics or hobbies you are passionate about. You have fun stories of silly things you've done.

I'm growing to like having this disease. Wierd, huh. Not because I like misery, but because I can recognise it has made me who I am. I'm OK with that. Muchly because my Dr. is good and medication is better. I know I WILL have symptoms again and I WILL have more episodes in the future. Right now, I'm OK. Have symptoms come through, but I've been taught how to make choices that curb them. I'm learning to embrace the gifts I've received because of bp. People think I'm good at everything, lol. Because I've had so many hypomanias and each time I learn a new skill. (painting, plumbing, knitting, butchering, baking, dog training, calligraphy, origami, ... I could go on and on and on...) I can relate to anyone, especially children. You name it, I've experienced it.

Bipolar disorder makes me an interesting, empathetic, passionate person. Yeah, I can't work a normal job. I can't live alone. I can't have caffiene. I can't drink alcohol. I can't smoke. I can't stay up late. I can't sleep in. I can't .... lots of "I can't"s! But the I can'ts don't make me less of a person and it doesn't make the good things false. Even though I can't a lot, I'm still an interesting, empathetic, passionate person.

Bipolar disorder gets all the credit for my relationship. I met my fiance while hypomanic. I though that God was telling me to date 50 men. (rolleyes) I had it down to a science: 1st conversation mention 3 topics. 2nd conversation drop one topic, bring up one more. I had a spreadsheet of criteria I was using to track characteristics I was looking for (or not looking for!). I was confident. I worked a lot. I wore stilettos every day. I was bold. I was passionate. I snagged my fiance on those qualities. He soon stated that I was the "most beautiful, intellegent, passionate" woman he had met. (Thank you hypomania!) If I had been myself, he would have moved on. Being bipolar made me captivating.

Still am.

Hero, you'll need to learn to love yourself. The interview? - that doesn't really matter. Don't worry about it. Their opinion of you does not change who you are! You are a beautiful person and you've been a treasure to have you on the forum. You are compassionate, empathetic and genuinely helpful.

Be kind to yourself! (((hugs)))

I also have the rapid cycling (ultraradian, actually) stuff, going from manic to suidical in hours, sometimes days. It's scary, frustrating, exhausting. It is supposedly the most difficult 'form' of bipolar disorder to treat. But my Dr. keeps working with me. I've had symptom-free periods (sticking closely to me "I can't" rules), of several months. Working with my Dr., he learns how medications affect me ans becomes more effective in treating me. Knowing that he will do something, and learning my "signature" of mood cycle, I am quick to report symptoms.

Talk to your Dr., and if your pdoc won't seek further treatment, find one who will. It might be a long hard road, but you're worth it.

wait... you're drinking coffee?! That's a problem. If I have as much caffiene as 1/2 a coffee, I will have a very rapid, intense mixed episode 12 hours later. The last time I had more than a bit of a caffienated drink, I ended up in the psych ward. Caffiene is wicked for rapid cyclers like us. I think you'll find more stability by giving up caffiene.

XOXO