Can't do it anymore....

Some of you may remember me. I was here for about a month in the summer.

My wife of four years and relationship of 11 years had been breaking down for the past couple of years. She had been diagnosed with Bipolar before I met her. Just before I got married I figured out she had bipolar, but it was quite mild and tolerable. The past few years it has gotten bad and I realized that age, drinking and self neglect were catching up with her.

She started secretly conversing with other men and started dating without my knowledge. It came to a head, I found out and I threw her out. When I finally spoke to her brother about her condition (she has been keeping this a secret from her family) she seemed to sober up and realize she had a problem. She slowed way down on the drinking and took her medications more regularly. The symptoms abated, but she still had problems that weren't being treated.

I went to the doctor with her and found out that her current shrink has been treating her for over 10 years! He hasn't been able to help her because he told her from the beginning that she cannot drink and expect her medication to work. He refuses (and I understand why) to try changing her medication until she gives her current abilify prescription a chance to work. She is in denial and insists that I am in denial. She doesn't acknowledge that she has bipolar except as it relates to her work....such as it is.

Things really went downhill when she stopped working (due to a back injury). She used to be very frugal and moderately responsible, if not absent minded at times. Now she spends money like it's water and almost lost her home (she lives with me, but her family lives in her home) due to her spending habits. When she couldn't hide that anymore, her family started taking her money to make sure that the mortgage was paid every month. She has since convinced herself that she did it voluntarily.....

Things were going okay. She stopped dating, became more caring and realized that those destructive tendencies were abating. Then we decided to go on vacation to Aruba. I asked her if she was going to drink on vaca...she said of course. I knew it was a bad idea....but I learned that you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. She of course promised not to let it get out of hand (if I had a nickel for everyone of her broken promises....). Things were great on vacation until about mid way through, she got drunk. The rest of the vacation went down hill. We came back and have a few "come to Jesus chats" that seemed to help and she got back on the wagon and things got better. I went away on a trip and when I came back she started acting squirrely again. I found out that while I was away, she drank an entire bottle of vodka while I was away.

That was the beginning of the end. She completely wiped out her med levels in her system. She, of course, doesn't see it. And says that she has been alcohol free for over a week and started taking her meds a couple of days ago (she will consistently run out and not get it refilled for a few weeks). But she just doesn't feel anymore that we are compatible (again) and she wants to date others (again). Being sick of this behavior, I said fine...you need to leave then. She wants to stay and pay me rent. She's Indian and her family doesn't know about her illness. Her going home would be a indicator that there are serious problems, so in the BP way, she tries to hide her issues and shame.

It amazes me to no end how logic doesn't register with her. She wants us to be amicable, and separate that way. I tell her how irrational her behavior is, prove it to her and a light seems to go off in her head. But those epiphanies are becoming fewer and far more in between. She even acknowledges how her behavior is off, but says it has nothing to do with her meds and BP?!?!?? I told her, I can't do it. She wants to end it, then we end it all. No "friends". Her logic and thinking is so clouded and she doesn't see it. I made her a deal a few months ago, (when I was on this site before). Take your meds, quit drinking for six weeks and if you still feel the same way about me, we would part amicably. She insists that would make no difference and that I just don't believe her when she tells me what she is feeling. I told her, yeah...I don't because you just wiped out all you meds in one week and you never complain about these "feelings" when you are on them. I told her that she could validate her feelings and prove me wrong by proving it to me and following thru with the six week promise. She refuses, yet still insists it has nothing to do with her meds, even though, she acknowledges her BP hurts her at work.

Last night it came to a head with the usual, I want to talk to other guys, do you mind.... Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!? I told her that she can date all she wants if she leaves. "So you are throwing me out????" Her logic astounds me. I finally calmed down and told her to give it a try. She agreed. I asked to see her phone so that I could put the six week date in her phone. If I didn't she would say in a week or two that the six weeks were up. She refused?!?!? The last time she refused, it was because she was actually chatting with other guys and dating. When she is on her meds, she doesn't mind. She had crossed a line I told her to never do again. I lost it and said that we can't do this anymore. She asked me (her catch all phrase), so what do you want me to do??? I said three things. Stop drinking, take your meds and stop with the dating. If after six weeks you still feel the same, we can part ways on your terms. She didn't say anything and walked out the door.

I am relieved in a way, because she made the choice (in a way to go) and I didn't end up forcing her out. The problem is (as I revealed before a few months ago) is that I am a codependent. I am so insecure about being "alone" that I put up with crap like this. But her compulsive behavior has just about driven even me off. The only reason we lasted this long was that we never combined our finances. When she bought the dog without telling me and I found out when I got home...I was okay. Then she got another. Then recently she bought a Conure (a bird like a parrot). I told her this was a mistake. A dog was one thing, two was pushing it, but birds are messy and require more care. She didn't care. Then she got a second one. It's been a month and she has yet to clean the cage more than once (practically had to force her) and I have had to clean up the mess several times. Worse of all one of the birds is a Sun Conure and it has a tendancy to screech when you leave the room. It has made my life, HELL.

Now I am in a better place but I feel worse. I have never been much of a social guy and I have no family and because of my codependency, I have few friends. Now I have to somehow deal with her not being there.

I am lost....

Post Edited (ebonyknight) : 11/18/2011 9:01:40 AM (GMT-7)

Hey Ebony Knight,

You've set some really good boundaries, and managing her walking out very well. Just because it feels like crap doesn't mean that you aren't actually behaving well in the situation.
It seems to me that in the past six months you have started taking back your power and focussing on your issues and what you can change while putting down very strong ground rules in your marriage. So even though your post is reaching out for help; as a snap shot after 6 mths it shows genuine growth - well done for working so effectively on the your issues.

Do you know how hard it is to disengage from crazy making behaviour within a relationship? Give yourself some credit.

Also while you may be codependent, grief and loss is a naturally painful experience; don't pathologise all you are feeling - a lot of it - even non-codependent people would feel very intensely. Marriage breakups hurt everybody.

Jade x

BiPolar Hurts said...
Ebony Knight,

Your post reminded me so much of my own life. Although my bi-polar husband does not drink he has destructive behavior and is verbally abusive to me. " I am so insecure about being "alone" that I put up with crap like this." this quote from your post is me. I am codpendent and fear being alone so much. After my husband's latest episode he left. He has been gone 2 days and I haven't heard from him. His final words to me were "I want a divorce" (for the 500th time). It is now peaceful in my home but I am alone.

Yeah, I know how you feel. The last time she was gone, it was quiet and peaceful. I was so serene for the first two days, then I got lonely. As long as she keeps or "pretends" that she doesn't want to come back, I will be fine. Hopefully she will stay away long enough for me to appreciate my privacy for a little while. My problem (like you, I assume) is that being codependent, I don't have many friends and none I can pop in on, to keep me company. Well, I did it before my first and this marriage, I guess I will get used to it.

I plan on taking this time to get a lot of counseling so that I don't make this mistake of investing myself in someone so much. That is my biggest problem as a Codep.

I know that once I am comfortable with myself, alone or not, I can find someone else.....actually, they will probably find me.

yep they will find you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jamie

happy bill said...
The funny thing is that you can be BP and also be used and abused also.


My ex is still using alchol, still deluding herself that i will come back. I have no doubt that when the time comes i will have to have constibals throw her out of the house. But if so so be it.



My advice, and this is hard, is that you cant let her see you hurt. If she tries to put her hooks into you you have to act like it doesnt bother you. By acting this way, not taking the bait, you take away all her power to hurt you in any way. You can be breaking apart inside, but she will see calm indifference on the outside.



WHere this helps is that once she sees it isnt working , she will tone down or stop all together.



Hold on brother, you are making good decisions.



And remember she isnt inher right mind, so she can and never will see things logically until she is better.



Bill

THIS!

She always like to say that she isn't vindictive, but she is. She will say and do things just to get a rise out of me. I am starting to have a feeling that this is just another of her games. Over the past few months, I won't give her a dime (I've kept our finances separate since we first got together), since she is now always broke. I can see it's been annoying her. After reading your message, i think that this is her "revenge".

Problem is (for her) she just went too far. I have been completely indifferent to her since she left. Never done that before. I just want her and her stress, gone. With the exception of one time when I had to take care of the dogs for her for the night, I haven't even been upset...not once. I am even starting to get the slight impression (although, it may be my imagination), that she is starting to wonder if she did the right thing. For me, i don't care. I wonder if I will be feeling this way once she has been gone for a few months.

She came by with her mother to pick up the dogs (I still have the birds which she claims she will get today) and went upstairs to take a shower (I don't get why she wants to shower at my house, yet not want to stay ). When she went down to the car to leave, her mother quickly sat by me and said she doesn't know what is going on with her. Her family doesn't know about her illness, and I have decided not to tell them....frankly because I just don't care anymore to make the effort. She said that I should just give her some time. I kinda laughed inside, because I thought that she can take ALL the time she wants. I am done.

I have considered if she does finally decide that she made a mistake, the ONLY way I will try to reconcile with her is if she becomes an inpatient and gets treatment. Although it wouldn't impact her at all (she doesn't actually have to work now because of her back injury), I think that she would scoff at that. That will be the final litmus, to see whether she is really "sorry" or not.

Frankly, I am happy being by myself, right now. I have been indifferent to her, because it is easy to, because I am just SICK of her drama. I am secretly (or maybe not so secretly ) hoping she won't come back and if she does, she refuses my offer to reconcile (inpatient treatment).

I am also a little more happy now, because I confided what was going on in a friend living on the west coast, last night. He said to forget her and come visit him and we'll go to Las Vegas and have a good time. I told him I would and will probably go during the Christmas week. This is great, because he plans on coming back to my area, early next year, permanently! She's gone and contrary to having to fight to cheer up, I find myself cheering up all on my own.

My next step is to get another appointment with my counselor, advise her of what has happened and ask her how often she wants to see me from now on, so that I can work on my own issues, so that I NEVER fall for this kind of dumb **** ever again. I am actually looking forward to moving on. But words are just that. We'll see if I am singing the same tune in a few months. Some how, I think I will. I really believe that was the last straw. BTW, my friend said he had the same issue. His wife was Borderline personality disorder and when she refused treatment after seeing a doctor, he kicked her to the curb. Said he didn't have time to babysit. That inspired me, since I have felt more like a single father rather than a husband.

I actually feel sorry for her because she really doesn't see that she is only hurting herself and not me. Worse yet for her, her relatives see what is happening and realize I am not at fault, but she doesn't see it. Right now the only battle I have to fight is the one against my co-dependency, which is what got me into this situation in the first place. Best of all, I am going back to school and start my Masters degree so that I will be busy.

I feel great right now....hope it lasts.

Well, I'd listen to my counselor on this one. She's driving you nuts with her behavior and there's no reason that you shouldn't have a calm, quiet atmoshere in your home.

My own opinion is that I would quietly go on with my life and let her come to a conclusion without your interference. If she stabilizes and shows evidence of a sincere desire to want a marriage to work--good; if not, you would be the loser in the long run to have her back in your home. Do you see that happening in her now?  It's difficult to be objective, but necessary for you in this regard.

Take care of yourself, please.

I.G.