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Any suggestions for behavior problems with a BP teenager

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 4/5/2005 4:44 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a father of a bi-polar 19 year old and this is driving me crazy.             Is there anybody out there that might have some ideas on how I can cope with this before I go completely nuts?

My teenage son (Bryan) is 19yrs old, was diagnosed with manic depression when he was 12. He's been going in and out of phases every season change.
We have been to all kinds of doctors and all kinds of meds have been perscribed but now he seems to be getting worse.

 

The Bipolar meds that my son is taking are:

1) Risperidone - 1 mg @ bedtime.

2) Divalproex - 1mg @ bedtime.

3) Lorazepam - 0.5 mg @ bedtime periodically or if needed to help with sleep.

4) Benztropine Mesylate - 2mg if side effects occur such as stiff neck or trembling.

The problem is, he thinks that things like drinking or smoking pot or coke won't affect him but instead it has a more potent effect on him due to his psycotic condition. He talks like an L.A. gangster and stays out all night, goes to his p/t job WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT(It's just a matter of time before he gets fired) and uses very abusive language with his family. He thinks he's superman and these things won't bother him (BUT HE CAN'T SEE IT) and as a result, he refuses to take his medication ON A CONSISTANT BASIS and because of his age (19) we can't force him.

He had the condition under control for the previous 2 years because I was monitoring his meds but as soon as he turned 19 he started hanging with the wrong people and I lost control of him. Now his Bipolar has once again showed it's ugly face. (you can't cure bipolar-only control it with meds)

He's getting Disabiliy Insurance and working p/t but we can't figure out where all his money is going.

In June, 2002, his manic phase peeked.....to the point where he told his boss to f-off, (then he got fired) dropped out of school, beat the crap out of some kid at his previous school so bad that he had to be hosbitalized, and became very violent at home and destructive and threatened and assulted his parents. On top of all this he was also hooked on smoking pot, (normally you don't get addicted to it but since he was stoned all the time, he became dependant on it) not just once in a while but he was always high, even smoked it in his room. He even stole things from the house to sell to get money to support his habit. He stayed up all night most nights. Now he's never home.

I've totally lost control of him to the point where I feel like a stranger in my own house and sometimes, I'm even afraid to come home from work.

The police were called and he ended up in the hosp. for the whole month of July 2002 so he could be monitored and detoxed.

Since he's been at home, he totally went the other way.
He wouldn't leave the house.No social life at all.  

 

    By the time he was 12 he had 23 sports trophies for soccer, baseball and football. He loved sports, and dreamed of going to a U.S. College (We're from Canada) on a football scholarship and at the rate he was going that goal seemed reachable. But what concerns me the most:
1) all he does is sleep til 1 or 1:30, (when he is home, if I try to wake him up for work, he threatens me)loads up on junk food (won't eat his meals) in front of the TV . He has no interest in things that most teenagers do like cars, driving, going to concerts etc. It's very frustrating for my wife and I. It bothers her so much that she's had to go on anti-deprssants.

2) with his constant eating of junk all day, the weight gain is incredible, 100 lbs in 8 months. He thinks it's funny and doesn't care about his health.

3) Lost interest in everything NO AMBITION AT ALL.


4) He has become very very very annoying and loves to get on peoples nerves (he even has admitted that to doctors and says it gives him a rush) because it's his way of getting attention.

5) Very gross and rude behaviour .He acts like he's 9 and seems to be regressing and not maturing.

My wife and I have enroled him in a school for kids with special needs but he never goes. He seems to have developed Attention Deficite Disorder (ADD) and loses interest in everything.

Everybody is trying to help him but he won't help himself.

Need some help. Any ideas?

Posted 4/5/2005 10:01 PM (GMT 0)

Ranman, IMO you have two choices. 

1.  Live like you are.  There is nothing you can do.

2.  Tell him (and MEAN it) if he doesn't go on his meds immediately, he can't continue to live with you.  He is an adult.  You are no longer legally responsible.  He hasn't learned any responsibility, as he is getting disability AND has a job.  He spends his money as he likes, keeps hours that suit him, does drugs, is abusive to you and makes your life miserable.  I understand you think it's your job to protect him, but in reality you are the problem.  I am sorry to be harsh, but you need to look at this from a reality standpoint.

3.  If he chooses not to take his meds, you can set him up in an apartment (that would be more than you owe him) and tell him he's on his own.  If he gets arrested (more than likely) don't call you.  If he gets fired, get a job at mcdonald's.  If he runs out of money, don't ask you.  You get the idea.  You MUST do this, it is a favor to him.  If you don't, do you seriously think he will get responsible by himself.  I know he is sick, but he has made the choice to stay that way.  By putting up with it, you are an enabler.  If you choose not to do this, you will live to your old age with this situation.  Trust me.  Just like an alchoholic, he has to hit rock bottom to learn.

I don't mean to offend you and I know it's a hard thing to consider, but tough love is just that - love.  He has to learn, he is an adult. 

Posted 4/5/2005 11:14 PM (GMT 0)

psychnurse,

I've already considered everything that you said but I guess I just had to hear it from someone else.

Thanx for your reply.

Randy

Posted 4/5/2005 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
Ranman, I wish you the best of luck - please let us know what happens! :-)
Posted 4/6/2005 1:21 AM (GMT 0)
Ran man, I understand ALL of what you posted. as the mother of a 25 year old bipolar son, they could be brothers from what you describe!And no one, but we  who are in this 'mentally ill family member "foxhole, will "get it" (The docs know from what they see, but there is a different kind of agony to all this!)I too, lived in a home where I was scared to sleep in my room without locking the door at night.Not so much fear he'd truly hurt me(his anger was usually directed towards his father...that father/son battle??), but I just couldn't stand trying to sleep with him up all night and in and out bringing Lord only knows who in!!!And the rages, complete with frothing , etc...NO ONE can possibly know what this is like.....I threw him out of our home at 19, like the one post suggested.He lived on the streets after selling his car and going across the U.S. to be with his 'love' he met online....came home less than a week later,$ 2000.00 poorer and needing a place to live.I didn't let him back in, but after months and his looking like he was going to die out there(TOUGH, to say the least!Not much worse!!!)I cosigned for one apartment...he ended up tearing it up, wouldn't keep it even presentable....We got him out of there, but I got him another apartment(I cosigned this alone, because my husband and I are divorced now...yes the strain of him is a part of it)..I tell you all of this only because just today I was put in the position of dealing with his landlord of this place....$2000.00 dollars +damage...plus being evicted!!!$2000.00 debts must be my son's magic number!!haha....But all kidding aside, ya know I think they are masters of manipulation..It really hurts to think our own blood would let us agonize, but some people with these problems learn to become better.Mine is also on disability, but the checks from SS haven't started to come to me yet, and I have to intersept them before he spends them!!!!!So not just the worry of their safety,(and ours and other family members if they're in the home) but the financial stress can be ENORMOUS!!!!I don't know about you, but $2000.00 is an enormous amount of money...I also have an 18 year old son that needs my attention, with an ex that has written both of them off pretty much...(the younger one is not bipolar, but the dad is still in post divorce hate mode.So, guard your marriage!You said your wife is on anti depressants...I tried some, but was afraid it'd cause me to not be with it enough to handle things...take care and pray, pray pray
Posted 4/6/2005 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Ran man, Sorry to ramble some more, but yes, they seem to get addicted to all other meds...Mine is now addicted to pain killers, but he swears he needs them for other things.He was ready to go ballistic when a doc wouldn't prescribe that particular fix...........an excuse for every occasion!Keep posting...we care and NEED the support...........
Posted 4/6/2005 2:54 PM (GMT 0)

JoA223,

WOW, Great post. I printed off this whole thread and I'm hoping that my son will read it. This really hits home.

BTW How is your son doing now?

Randy

Posted 4/7/2005 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
Ran man, I'm glad my story was of some help(how someone else going through hell can be comforting is amazing isn't it?haha)But you know part of our agony (I keep using that word because it sort of describes it, but still is too tame to convey the full range of feelings that go with NOT being able to help a loved one)is that we start to feel alienated because no one DOES understand.Yesterday I was about as low as I'd been in years, because I have already experienced that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach with him being on the streets.And it hit me that he will probably be back there again in a couple months.So I was clawing my own way out of a depression, and then I see what the affect is on my younger son.( he wants to just go "kick his ass"in his words, but more violence is NOT the answer, and besides the younger one could go to jail for beating up the older one!!LORD, HELP ME!!!haha)And the thing is my younger son loves his brother, but wants to shake him out of it, which is not possible.Everyone in the family sees the effect his behavior has had on us all(their dad is also bipolar,I believe, but some MAJOR denial there)except the ones with the major personality problems.All part of the disease?I know I am not perfect and we all have moods, but these disorders are not logical.There just is NO sitting and discussing a difference with them.Like a blank stare folds over their faces, or that all consuming rage.In my marriage we all witnessed my ex throw a recliner across the room.(the genetic link is being proven with these, I think.)But sorry, your original question was how he's doing now.Remains to be seen, I suppose.As of yesterday I left him at his place with the task of cleaning it up (is your son messy to the point of disgusting?Mine is willing to live in filth.Even with no job and time to do it all)I refuse to go in there and clean it up for him.His younger brother helped him clean up the pigsty he left from the other apartment..poor kid was only 16 or so then..younger one, I mean)Seems someone is always supposed to 'rescue' them.And when I drop the hammer on "do it" there's always that response of "I can't stand this!I wish I could die...I'll have to go to the hospital, if you don't leave me alone"And there's countless times I've left him in a state like that, and worried that he would kill himself(now back to the guilt factor)So you see "how he's doing "is a daily question.I think we'd be wise to keep ourselves always knowing we can only do so much, then the rest is up to the 'man upstairs'Well it ALL is, I guess, but as parents we were given these children to guide to adulthood, but what if they want to remain as children (and isn't all this temper tantrum stuff like children gone wild???)forever?When he was 5, I would hand lead him to what needed to be done. Not possible at 25.And as I get older, I realize it's not fair for ME to have to endlessly labor cleaning up his messes.Some of the best advice I got from a therapist years ago was"you might as well TRY and enjoy your life because he is not going to help you enjoy it"I thought it was cold advice at the time, but it is more and more true as time goes on.And as we have all heard, 'you can't help anyone if you don't take care of yourself first'....so hopefully this isn't too much of a downer.We have a LONG journey ahead of us dealing with this mental health issue.Keep yourself on track daily.You and your wife should get away and do fun things(what's going to happen with him will happen either way!)Take care.......and pray, pray pray.......
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