Remaining the Same or Working to Change the Way I Interact with the World

24 views but not one response - I find it easier not to share and go without the feedback I am after

Thanks IG, I got your reply before you deleted it. I will try to integrate some of her traits into my character and my life. I'll try to be soft enough to be happy and kind but tough enough to protect myself from harm. I was thinking I should view my ex more kindly but have realised that he is a very toxic person and I am better to integrate what I have learnt from him and move on with healthier people. It is a tricky balance to get get used to more social interaction while allowing myself to be more vulnerable. I am glad that this person has come into my life and shown me what a non abusive relationship is. She looks up to me and thinks I am so wise - little does she know that her gift to me is somewhat significant.

Tortoise, my post had been read for a day without response. Communication on a forum is not a unrealistic expectation so I reasserted it.

Hey Sweetie, thanks for giving me your perspective. Yes, I am making baby steps, but I didn't realise being vulnerable hurt so much until I tried it. No wonder I have such a tough outer shell with giant claws. I've had to learn to fight very efficiently to survive. I don't want to be so hard, but it feels like as soon as I let my guard down someone is ready to give me a good kicking. There are some very lovely, gentle people though. I'm hardly gentle myself so it seems unfair to seek it, but in seeking it, I hope to soften. Life hurts enough even when encased in a shell. How to manage risking being poked in the sore bits without retreating or being hardshelled??? I find it ironic that us of that who are sensitive can become so brittle to protect that sensitivity. It's probably important for us all to balance hard defences with vulnerability, and giant attack mechanisms with our soft assertion. I'm surprised you say you are hesitant to reply to posts... I see you as someone I engage with quite a bit. It's nice to hear what hesitancies you have to posting... I could prolly have a bit more restraints on my bull at a gate approach... and that is what I am working on... Ta x Please more perspectives would really help on what I think is a pivotal area in my self development. TY.
LW

My son's friend's mom (make sense?) is a very positive upbeat active woman. I don't spend much time with her, but probably could if I asked. But when I am with her I realize how tactless and blunt I can be. I think I scared her away before, by sharing that i SI. She really couldn't process that information. So then I felt weird and pulled back. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing people and situations, but it seems that when it comes to friends, I want all or nothing. I tend to 'word vomit' because I am so lonely. So when I have someone to talk to, it all comes out, the good, bad and the ugly. It tends to push people away.


Amy, I am curious how you met people. How you went from staying at home all of the time (me) to meeting people. Short of accosting them in the grocer, I don't know where I would meet people.

LW, you always write a positive at the end of you post. A thank you, a hug, you are good at that. It makes people feel heard, reassured and cared for. Which is what we all come here for. When I post my frustrations about my doc, I know that you can't fix it, but I do know you care.

I used to see life with a goal. That at some point I would have evolved. But now I see it as a process, each day a chance to change, each day an opportunity to take a chance with my actions or with people. How did I do today? Great. Had coffee with one of my daughters friends. She posted on facebook and I called her. Yeah me!

Living Well said...

The answer probably lies somewhere in the middle but I interested to know on which side "softening" or "staying crusty" do you think is the best place for me to be? And what does that look like. Should I email my ex-boyfriend and smooth things over with him? Should I try to initiate more outings with others; widening my circle of friends? Should I be more likely to share how I feel with others? Should I work on not being so judgemental/opinionated?

Isolation is my biggest issue, so I think it would be nice to make some baby steps while my young friend is like a ray of sunshine in my life atm.

I don't know your history, but I think you need to re-evaluate your past relationships on a case by case basis.

I've been through this over the past few months. An old friend contacted me to apologize and wanted to reconnect. I reflected on our relationship and she did some awful things. I was also in a hypomanic mood when I ended things with her and was partially acting out in a high and mighty judgemental way.

However other people in my past refuse to work on our relationship, refuse to acknowledge that they have contributed to our problems. Sometimes you can't repair broken relationships and you don't have to try and smooth things over. In fact smoothing things over might get you caught up in the same problems and drama that caused you to split in the first place

Isolation is definitely a problem you should try working on. I also struggle with isolation when I'm anxious and depressed. It is hard to break the cycle of isolation. But I can tell from your post that your instincts are telling you to reach out more, find new positive relationships and be open to reconnecting with people in your life who are good for you.

I might also reframe your belief that you are 'crusty' or 'judgemental'. From your posts it seems like you are a strong person who has developed that inner strength though challenges in life. Sometimes we need to have boundaries up because of our mental illness. Bipolar disorder all too often leads to unhealthy relationships. You might have those defence mechanisms because we need them.

You can still change the way you interact with the world. Just from a place of knowing your strengths and weaknesses rather than jumping into things without much thought. (I do that all the time)

We can all do that when we are hypomanic. The world can't come to us when we are fatigued, hypersomniac, befuddled, forgetful, depressed, cranky, irritable and hypersensitive. These experience are not excuses; they are very genuine, legitimate symptoms which we do our best to manage. If you don't have some of these symptoms, I would question your diagnosis of bipolar.

Living Well said...
We can all do that when we are hypomanic. The world can't come to us when we are fatigued, hypersomniac, befuddled, forgetful, depressed, cranky, irritable and hypersensitive. These experience are not excuses; they are very genuine, legitimate symptoms which we do our best to manage. If you don't have some of these symptoms, I would question your diagnosis of bipolar.

LW, Do I have those symptoms? You decide.

Just last month I had a bottle of pills down on the floor with me and a glass of water. I found out that my kidneys were failing and I just thought that I had had enough. It was my friends and family that pulled me through.

Jumping out of speeding cars, running away from home, buying homes online, buying a car because I didn't want to to change the headlight of the one I was driving, buying 2 cars at one time because I couldn't decide what color I wanted, working 48 hours straight, deciding to move while I was in taking a shower and calling the real estate agent while I was still drip drying,- then actually moving, spending $2,000 on ebay in one month, not sleeping for more that 3 hours at a time for one entire year, believing the government is watching me, wearing hats to block out the sound of loud chatter that only I can hear, Oh, and my favorite- spending $5,000 on clothes in one day, those are just a few of the things I have experienced in a manic state.

Sitting for days crying in the dark, attempting suicide, not eating, carving the word 'FAT' on my stomach, refusing to go out of my own house for ANY reason for months at a time, not getting out of bed, wanting to divorce my husband because I seriously feel that he could do better than me, those are the things that I have experienced when I have been depressed.

I spend more time depressed than manic. Thank God for my bank account.

I take 19 pills a day...some are repeats and double doses...but still. I am on 4 mood stabilizers, 4 anti-depressants, and 2 sleeping pills.

There just came a point where I decided that in addition to my medication I would do cognitive therapy. And that helps a lot. I also have 3 doctors to care for me, a family who stood by me, and I have mad determination to stay healthy.

Yes I will be manic again and I will be depressed again. But we as a family have ways of dealing with each one:

If I'm manic- We roll with the punches. We give me the proper 'manic' meds to get me asleep and stupor for at least 24 hours.

If I feel like I should be in a hospital: We turn the home into a hospital setting. Everything goes quiet, I am put on different, stronger medication and I see the doctor everyday. I am also never left alone.

If I am depressed I have to do my cognitive therapy: exercise, get out of the house, see friends, make extra appointments with my doctor, and you guessed it...take stronger meds.

I have learned in the six years that I have been battling the TREATMENT of bipolar that my best weapon is to stay positive and to keep surrounding myself with positive people.

So to answer your question- (I think you probably have figured out that I am just like you.) Yep, I am moody, forgetful, and down right tired at times, and I want to scream so loud that God in heaven would hear me, but I keep treading water because the payoff is so wonderful.

I understand not everyone can do what I can do. I have been a fighter all my life, and it's all I know. I would certainly never put anyone down for not doing the same things I do, because we all have different levels of coping, and we are all at different stages of our illness.

But LW, you asked me what I did to gather friends. I simply told you... I hope that you can take a little piece from it. I wish nothing but the best for you and I hope we can be friends! (See I try and pick up people everywhere!)