Earnestly wanted advice about a new love who is bipolar.

Hello everyone,

I am a divorced, mid-forties, male American from the Midwest, who has recently had the honor and joy of getting to know a woman, also in her forties, who is an amazing person. Bright, educated, caring, loving single mom, who in a month of letters, texts, and pictures has shown me such a brilliant, sweet, uplifting, romantic, idealistic personality, that we connected on so many levels.

We recently finally met in person, spending a few days together in her hometown. The first day was more incredible than I ever imagined. The conversation, the kindness, the "chemistry" was just ideal. The second day started the same, but at some point about half way through, she simply drove back me back to my hotel and dropped me off. Though we had another day and a half of plans, that was the last I saw of her. The third day included some darker text messages. In essence, we went from soul mates to strangers again in about twelve hours. It is now three days later, and I have heard nothing from her. In fact, I've even been cut off by her on Facebook.

We had decided ahead of time that we would keep this as friendly as possible, and other than one kiss and some hand-holding, we did. But I will admit that if there was an open pathway to a serious relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat ...

But how to deal with this? Has anyone been on either side of a situation like this? Is it typical? If I let time pass, will she "come back" to me? It's obvious she is extremely worried that a relationship will upset the balance of her life and her emotions, and has said as much. I promised not to turn her life upsidedown, but it seems I have. She is well enough to maintain a longterm career, and raise a child alone. I thought her reaching out to me was a sign that she might also be ready for a close relationship. I feel an immense attraction to this person, and would love to dedicate whatever effort I can to helping her continue to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Having been diagnosed with ADD, having overcome an addiction problem, having done professional research regarding schizotypal personalities and their participation in creative careers, I know enough to separate the person from the disorder. I do not know if she is taking meds or seeing a counselor. Some comments led me to believe she is not, but I do see that she is extremely dedicated to sleep and her daily routine.

I am old enough to know I cannot force someone to do something they feel is not in their best interest, but my feelings for this person are sincere, and while there is any window of opportunity, I hope to be of help.

I'd be very grateful to anyone who might reply!

Thanks for the reply!

I'm not sure about the meds. She did tell me about using an antidepressant during post-partum some 4-5 yrs. ago, but not liking that it cut off her good feeling highs, which is the comment that led me to believe that she may not be following a consistent drug regimen. Also, she has been pretty straight forward about other things (life events, other relationships, etc.), but never touched on meds or current therapy.

I know this might sound egotistical, but the way we got along over the first couple of dates was in such contrast to the harsh tone of her texts and the total unwillingness to see me the third day (even though we had already made plans for that day) makes me think it wouldn't be that she simply decided she didn't like me. Rather, she did tell me that she was afraid that a romantic relationship would be upsetting for her. As much as I said that was fine, I'm afraid she could easily see in my eyes that I'm completely enamored of her.

Is it typical that she would run from such "complicating factors" in spite of truly liking a person? And is there a course of action that I should take - or should avoid - to still be part of her life?

Also, I worried that her self-talk was so completely negative (which doesn't come through nearly as obviously in her writing), and she has a terrible time accepting a compliment. She gets nervous and deflects them, asks me not to say them at all.

Thanks!

Thank you, Amy,

That was some of the best advice I could have hoped for. You are too kind.

As I've pondered the situation over the last two weeks, I keep coming to the thought, "Let some time pass. Be patient." I'm ready to accept every possibility from her just not liking me in person, to her liking me too much and fearing that this would just be too upsetting to her balance in life. I hope that at some time in the future the door might open again to the friendship on which we hoped to embark.

If you knew her, I think you would see how amazing a person she is, how easy it is to like to her as well, and hope the best for her. Yes, she has been diagnosed. There is a family history. She spoke of enjoying the mania, and early on she expressed that the lows were shallow and short. But in person, she made it a little more clear that they were neither that shallow nor that short. This is what worried me about her behavior.

For myself, I am discovering the importance of understanding my own value as an individual. I'm not perfect, but I must try every day to be deserving of the love and trust of others, and to be happy and confident with who I am and what I have to share with the world. I need to make the effort to be solid in my own physical, spiritual and mental health. If I'm not, then I can be of no help to someone else.

Thank you again for sharing your valuable insight. I wish you the best in everything, and I hope you'll stay in touch.

AndyAndy

Post Edited (AndyAndy) : 1/26/2012 8:04:15 PM (GMT-7)

 

  Hi andyandy. Im on the other side of the seneriao you are describing. Im also in my 40's, and i am dating a wonderful woman. I have been upfront and honest about my BP, and we are taking it slow. Which is hard cause you want to get swept up in the fun and excitement of a new relationship.

   But us BP people, especially those of us who have achieved a measure of calm in our lives, are very careful, very very careful about how new relationships can and will affect us. We feel the same things you do, but just at a more extreme level. So in my case, i am taking it slow, especially since she has two great kids and i wouldnt want to do anything to hurt them.

   I told her honestly, that if i cant handle it i will tell her and we can talk about things. It may be i can never move in and live with someone cause of my BP. But that doesnt mean that i cant have successful relationships within the boundries of my problem.

   Time will answer alot of questions for you. But like everyone we allways want to skip to the end of the book and see what happens. LOL LOL LOL Patience is your only recourse.

    Bill

Bill,

Thanks so much for that insiders view. The one thought that continually comes back to me is "Give it time." Maybe it's a little bit of ego-defense, but I can understand why she would be so careful. Her friends say she's very cautious about letting anyone get close to her. And I did get a feeling that we were on our way to getting "swept up" in it. Taking it easy will be new to me, but I'm very willing to do it. Even if that means a long time as a friend, knowing that there may never be a full relationship at the end of it.

Any advice on how I can be that sincere, legitimate friend, and not a romantic interest, or is that just up to her feelings? Are there ways your significant other has to take care in expressing feelings to you?

Also, for what it's worth, last year I exited a long, yet lousy marriage towards the end of which my wife would just beat me down over her frustrations, my short-comings, and even some of the normal challenges of life. In a weird way, I was wondering if this would be sort of a learning experience I could draw from, or are anger issues just completely different from mood disorders?

Thanks,

Andy Andy