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Posted 1/12/2012 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
So I met my girl when she was in her manic, fun mood. I didn't know she was bipolar and once thought she might have been BPD back in december, but now that she is in full depression mode, I am here seeking help.

Like many can relate to, the beginning of our relationship (which started in October) was great. Lots of fun, lots of love, etc. though she's never been a touchy feely type of person (unless we're having sex which we did a lot of up until a few weeks ago). That is consistent about her which is fine.

When December hit, she started having days where she was down and then up and then down and I thought she might be BPD.

Fast forward to now, and she's simply just Down. Haven't seen her happy and nice in the past couple of weeks, not once. It's affecting our relationship because she's saying stuff like "I just don't think you're the right guy for me" and "things about you that never bugged me before now bug the hell out of me" - to add detail, basically any little thing I do bugs her now. Talking to strangers, giving money to a bum, the way I drive, the way I blink even. It's so beyond my thinking, I don't even know how to react.

Now I'm not a needy/clingy type of guy so I am giving her space, but it's still difficult because when we do hang out, it seems like she's getting worse and worse. She's in denial about being bipolar and I've only been dating her for a few months so I feel like I'm in no position to tell her to seek medical attention.

My question is if I'm doing the right thing? How can I be the man she needs if she just pushes me away? Do I need to simply wait out this depressed mode? I feel like she doesn't appreciate me at all now when we do hang out. She's just got a sad look on her face.

For example, we went out tonight, she told me how shes been depressed since December because "she feels fat and disgusting" even though she isn't, so I'm assuming her bipolar is just getting the best of her right now. At the end of the night, I dropped her off, walked her to the door, she hugged me but didn't invite me in which I didn't react to and just said "Ok have a great night, you're beautiful." and she was like "Ok go home" in a 'stop-this-BS' type of way.

I think her last depressed state was last spring when her ex left her in the middle of it which made her even more worse and she got hospitalized. Then she went manic near the end of summer, I met her, now shes going back to depressed. This is just what I think.

At the moment, the relationship feels like she just met some new guy and now I'm an afterthought - that's how it feels for me. I hope this isn't the case...

So yea, just looking for some support. I feel like I'm not wanted and am simply wondering how to go about the relationship when shes depressed because I do like her a lot, I want to make this long-term, but telling her I love her and want to be there for her isn't helping. Thanks.

Post Edited (Oscarkool) : 1/12/2012 4:37:22 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/12/2012 12:33 PM (GMT 0)
If you are genuinely concerned about a person's health / quality of life, I do not think it is wrong to suggest getting professional help.

Her response to you might be the deciding factor in whether or not your relationship will work. A relationship with a person with bipolar disorder who is proactive in treatment is not scary. There will be some rough weeks, but they really are predictable. A relationship with a person with biplar disorder who is not compliant with treatment is a nightmare and heartbreak.

I met my fiance while hypomanic. I started with panic 7 months later, was diagnosed with bipolar 13 months later and was soon hospitalized. The following year was really hard, with meds not working and me not knowing how to live with this disease. Now our relationship is mostly normal. Not perfect, but working on it.
Posted 1/12/2012 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I don't want to suggest that yet. The relationship is really new, only a month or so since getting serious (though the past week it's felt like we're not together). I really don't want to drop that on her yet.

I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing? Since we're such a new relationship and she's now depressed, she isn't wanting me to stay over or to hold her or be 'smothering' which she accused me of for awhile back when we first started dating so really, the only option I can think of is to simply back off, take a 'break' or whatever and wait for her to invite me back in.

No matter what happens, it just hurts to see her like this and it hurts that she pushes me away. I'm simply not used to that in relationships. I like being there to hold a girl and comfort her when she's down, but I can't do that with this one :(
Posted 1/12/2012 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
It's great that you care so much about her. I can honestly say I went through my share of relationships based upon how I felt at that time. It's easy to fall in love but staying in it is difficult. Your moods change so often sometimes its hard to tell what's real vs the Bp talking. I don't know if someone told me i was Bp if I would have believed them at the time or just pushed them away. Be prepared for both. She may not be willing to get help and even if she does getting the right med combo can take a long time.
Posted 1/13/2012 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
I'm not going to tell her to get help. That will not happen until we're 100% in a relationship and all that jazz. She's not letting anybody in, even me who's close to her. Too much pain in the past. I want to be there, but it's hard when she pushes me away.

What I want to know is if I'm doing the right thing by giving her space and not talking to her too much. When I'm around, she just looks sad. It's hard for me when she's saying that everything about me bugs her... yet she still wants to see me. Yet when we do hang out, it's like she isn't enjoying me? It's just weird. She's her same old self on text messages (not a proper way to judge speak, I know) but then in person it's a whole different story.
Posted 2/11/2012 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
oscar,
I too are going through what you are, I met my girl, and i believe at the time in a manic state, she is the most loving and caring woman i had ever met. Within four monts we had moved in together. Then it all started, I was being accused of things that were so far from the truth, that I didn't know what to do. I thought by talking to her, and showing her that she is the only one that i want, that she would stop, needless to say it got worse. I didn't understand BP, and i thought that it was all my fault for the way that she was feeling. I really believed, still do, what is wrong with me, what did I do to her that was so bad. I have since moved out of her place, and we would still meet, talk, text, nearly everyday. Until last week, when i get a text, that she thinks we both should move on. Well all those feelings came rushing back in, what did i do so wrong, what could i have done different, what could i have done to show her my unconditional love for her? Well I cam on here, and a lot of people have told me, that you cannot reason with BP, that she needs to figure things out for herself. It is the hardest thing in the world to do right now, to give her time and space, with no contact. There is such a sense of loss. I wish I knew when (if) she will be back in my arms again. I love her unconditionally, and do not want her to get to far away from me that she starts to look elsewhere for love, because i know that another man, would just hurt her, and break her heart. Noone has ever stuck around for her, I have, and at times I feel like i am being punished. I have good days, where I am ok, then i have days where the loss just overcomes me. I have recently gotten a referral to see a doc of my own, to help deal, and maybe get some help on how to love this amazing woman with BP. I know what you are going through though. Keep me posted on how its going. At this point she wants nothing to do with me.
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