ADIVCE FOR A NON BIPLOR BOYFRIEND

Hello all,
My girlfriend of a year and a half, told me last week that she thinks we should move on. She has texted me a few times and called, basically saying horrible things. Is this to make herself feel better. I don't believe this is the end of the relationship. I am only trying to respect her wishes, and give her the time and space that she needs to figure things out and get better. Is it normal for someone who is BP to make the non BP partner feel as if everything is their fault, and they are to blame for everything.
Understanding a bit more about BP, I do not want to argue with her, because I know that it is all in vain, and there is no getting through to her. Most of all i know that it isn't her, it is the BP. I would appreciate if those with BP, could help me and give me advice, on when she is in a mood, be it depression, or hypomania, what is the "proper" way to talk to her, without it turning into an argument?
Do i just sit and let her unleash, do i defend myself? I love this woman unconditionally, and hope one day to make her my wife.

Bozzdawg

I know this sounds like the wrong thing to do - but next time she's getting all BP on you, replay with 'you're a pain in the ass'.

I've been dating a BP girl off and on for about 5 months now and yea, the more I learn to simply just let them be and do their thing and NOT give in to their bull crap, the better it works out for me. HOWEVER, do not argue/try to reason with them as this will only FUEL their rage. I've had my girl try to choke me, elbow me, punch me in the face, she kicked my windshield and cracked it, and countless other things - don't try to argue.

If she's raging at me, I simply call her a pain in the ass and I walk away going back to do my own thing.

If she's raging at other things, I'll sit there and 'listen' when in reality I'm making sure she doesn't break anything.

Here's a few things I've learned when she's raging at you:

1. Never apologize for anything unless you TRULY made a mistake. Don't just say Sorry because she's pissed.
2. Don't agree with her just to keep her from being all BP on you. In other words, don't be afraid to say No.
3. Don't argue. It's pointless. Instead, call her a pain in the ass and go to the couch or go home.
4. When in a fight, DO NOT reach out to her first - make her reach out to you. The reason being is because SHE is the one being all BP on you, so make her apologize. Yes, this can take a week or more sometimes and YES she might cheat on you during this period. Get over it. People with BP cheat. If you can't accept that, then date a non-BP because I GUARANTEE your BP partner has cheated on you.
5. DON'T push her into starting a relationship. Chances are, she's been hurt badly in the past and/or abused. It just seems to be a common trait amongst women with BP. In fact, never even bring up a relationship - make her be the one to bring it up and request it (but not when she's drunk...).
6. DON'T show signs of jealousy. Simple fact - people with BP are promiscuous! It's just how they are. They cheat and hook up with other people waaaaay more than normal people. Don't let this affect you. Again, if you can't handle this, date a non-BP.
7. Again I just have to stress - don't chase her. Don't be the one putting in all the work. It must be 50/50. Any point where it isn't 50/50, pull back and wait until she comes around.

The ABSOLUTE KEY to dating both men and women with BP is to make them feel LUCKY to be with you. You do this by not being available all the time, not doing what they want to do all the time, etc. It can get hard because they're so selfish and demanding, but just remember to stay strong.

Copy this to your desktop and read it EVERY DAY if you have to. This alone is better than any therapy you'll learn from a doctor - it's my real life experience dating a significantly crazy BP/Anxiety girl.

Read this to yourself before you think about sending her a text because you're lonely. Trust me guys, if she wants to hear from you, SHE WILL REACH OUT TO YOU.

And then she'll get mad at you for not texting her... but again, DON'T fall for the trap. People with BP are VERY intelligent and extraordinarily good at trapping you. Stand strong and say you were busy. Hope this helps all you guys and girls out there dating BP. If you're up for the challenge and like living a life of ups and downs, then by all means date a BP. Call me crazy, but I like it - the rush of feeling in love one day and then feeling totally abandoned the next is just addicting - I guess I don't like living a simple life!

Post Edited (Oscarkool) : 2/15/2012 1:26:56 AM (GMT-7)

Oscarkool said...
I know this sounds like the wrong thing to do - but next time she's getting all BP on you, replay with 'you're a pain in the ass'.

I've been dating a BP girl off and on for about 5 months now and yea, the more I learn to simply just let them be and do their thing and NOT give in to their bull crap, the better it works out for me. HOWEVER, do not argue/try to reason with them as this will only FUEL their rage. I've had my girl try to choke me, elbow me, punch me in the face, she kicked my windshield and cracked it, and countless other things - don't try to argue.

If she's raging at me, I simply call her a pain in the ass and I walk away going back to do my own thing.

If she's raging at other things, I'll sit there and 'listen' when in reality I'm making sure she doesn't break anything.

Here's a few things I've learned when she's raging at you:

1. Never apologize for anything unless you TRULY made a mistake. Don't just say Sorry because she's pissed.
2. Don't agree with her just to keep her from being all BP on you. In other words, don't be afraid to say No.
3. Don't argue. It's pointless. Instead, call her a pain in the ass and go to the couch or go home.
4. When in a fight, DO NOT reach out to her first - make her reach out to you. The reason being is because SHE is the one being all BP on you, so make her apologize. Yes, this can take a week or more sometimes and YES she might cheat on you during this period. Get over it. People with BP cheat. If you can't accept that, then date a non-BP because I GUARANTEE your BP partner has cheated on you.

I strongly disagree.  I have bipolar disorder and have has it for 19 years.  Only 2 of those were medicated, and only 1 year that has been moderately controlled.  I was married 5 years through the worst of it.  I never cheated.  People with bipolar disorder are still responsible for their actions.  Please don't generalize, it is very insulting.

5. DON'T push her into starting a relationship. Chances are, she's been hurt badly in the past and/or abused. It just seems to be a common trait amongst women with BP. In fact, never even bring up a relationship - make her be the one to bring it up and request it (but not when she's drunk...).
6. DON'T show signs of jealousy. Simple fact - people with BP are promiscuous! It's just how they are. They cheat and hook up with other people waaaaay more than normal people. Don't let this affect you. Again, if you can't handle this, date a non-BP.

This is not true!  There are thousands of people with bipolar disorder that take responsibility for their illness and actions.  Obviously you've been burned, but that doesn't make it the norm.  Again, don't generalize - it's rude and insulting.

7. Again I just have to stress - don't chase her. Don't be the one putting in all the work. It must be 50/50. Any point where it isn't 50/50, pull back and wait until she comes around.

The ABSOLUTE KEY to dating both men and women with BP is to make them feel LUCKY to be with you. You do this by not being available all the time, not doing what they want to do all the time, etc. It can get hard because they're so selfish and demanding, but just remember to stay strong.

No, the key is to make the bipolar spouse responsible.  People with bipolar disorder are not inherently "so selfish and demanding."  That's very offensive.  My fiance leaves me responsible for my treatment.  If I don't take my meds, keep seeing my Dr. and therapist, and start having problems, he will not tolerate it.  He has set a healthy boundary.  It's not his job to dance circles around me.  It's my job to stay on top of my chronic illness so that we can have a good relationship.

Copy this to your desktop and read it EVERY DAY if you have to. This alone is better than any therapy you'll learn from a doctor - it's my real life experience dating a significantly crazy BP/Anxiety girl.

Read this to yourself before you think about sending her a text because you're lonely. Trust me guys, if she wants to hear from you, SHE WILL REACH OUT TO YOU.

And then she'll get mad at you for not texting her... but again, DON'T fall for the trap. People with BP are VERY intelligent and extraordinarily good at trapping you. Stand strong and say you were busy. Hope this helps all you guys and girls out there dating BP. If you're up for the challenge and like living a life of ups and downs, then by all means date a BP. Call me crazy, but I like it - the rush of feeling in love one day and then feeling totally abandoned the next is just addicting - I guess I don't like living a simple life!

My fiance and I have never argued or fought.  We certainly have very different opinions and points of view.  Sometimes he feels tht I'm being selfish when I have to step back and take care of myself first.  But he knows it would be worse if I didn't do that.  I have never cheated, acted promiscuous, or given him any reason to not trust me in that way.  He does know that I tend to shop too much when I'm having other problems.  He is very patient, for example, I was scheduled to have my wisdom teeth out and he was my "driver".  But when I got there they refused to do the procedure under conscious sedation because of my anxiety symptoms.  So he my fiance took off a day of work for nothing.  Yes, it affects him, he has a hard time with my mood being unpredictable.  But the bad things about being in a relationship with someone who is bipolar are not necessarily rage, destructive and abusive behavior!  People with bipolar disorder that stick with their medications can leave nearly-normal lives and have healthy, normal relationships.

This forum is primarily to support people with bipolar disorder.  Non-bipolar spouses are welcome if they follow the forum rules.  Your post is insulting and offensive.  In the future I will edit or remove posts like this.  You might find pendulum.org to be a better resource for you, since they have a forum ONLY for non-bipolar friends, partners, and family.

Oscarkool said...
I know this sounds like the wrong thing to do - but...

 

Ugh...you know what they say about people who make statements and then say BUT....!  LoL 

You should practice following your intuition, it would help you to slow down & rethink how you respond to issues in your current relationship. 

It sounds like you are in a very toxic relationship. If a relationship is going to work for ANYONE they both should be supportive of eachother.

Tortoise raised some good points for you to consider & contemplate.

 

Best wishes.

Sukay~*