I wish this hypomania would go

[mod edit: I pulled this out of another thread so your conversation is not lost. Thank you for your understanding, Living Well.]
Living Well writes:

Forever, I love you sharing your experience of similar illnesses. Just goes to show how individual we all are. My memory problem are probably more due to toxicity/delirium, but yes just as our thoughts get so much clearer and faster in hypo/mania, they get dull and slow in depression. Our sleep requirement is low in hypo/mania and higher in depression (even if we don't sleep we don't do well. Even if we sleep we still don't feel refreshed like in hypo/mania). Our physical energy is high, Our motivation is high and our ability to nut things out is high in hypo/mania. The reverse is true for depression. Our sex drive is high in hypo/mania and can disappear with depression.

My PTSD memories are crystal clear but what I am not registering for the first time is the severity of those experiences. We can tend to minimalise and that is the way I coped. Everything was underplayed.

I love what Seroquel can do for my ptsd. The first sign of my PTSD being triggered I take 25mg Seroquel and it hoses down the release of adrenalin. It alleviates nightmares. Sometimes I have to take Valium with the Seroquel if my nightmares are really bad.

So even though we are managing the same illnesses, I find PTSD easier to manage. Possibly you might find bipolar easier to manage because you can get effective coverage for bipolar symptoms because your liver and kidneys metabolise meds well?

What you were saying about cognitive deterioration and trauma, I think mirrors what IG has said either here or in another thread. The other day, it occurred to me, I have done a lot of work with how family homicides are managed (yes in my hypomanic times). It is unbelievable that for all those years that I worked on that cause I never ever identified myself as a victim of domestic homicide. I had retained the memory that one family member murdered another family member but I had not processed it as if it were a fact in my life, or that had happened to me. I knew it was significant. This was only 2 days ago I made this realisation, after 6 years. When you say "objective professional looking at others rather than examining my own life", Forever, I so know what you mean!

I wish this hypomania would go... tooo much typing

I'm so sorry that the PTSD is so disruptive for you. Building up tolerance to meds is different from being able to metabolise them. The first is the body saying "thats great but now I need more for the same effect" the second is the liver saying "if you give me any more than a tiny amount, I won't be able to processes it, your brain will go toxic and you will get delirious".

I have a question about you getting triggered. Are you still in touch with harmful people connected to the original trauma? If you are, you may need to move away from those relationships in the interest of your health. I only ask coz the triggers seem often and major, so I'm just brainstorming ways severity and frequency might be alleviated just fraction for you. I really feel for you x

I wonder why you are so variable when it comes to triggers. I imagine depression would heighten your vulnerability to triggers? I know it does for me but we are all different.

TV can be a nice gentle but effective PTSD distraction. Do you use seroquel as well as the benzo's as a prn? You might like to ask your pdoc if they are happy for you to give 50mg of seroquel a whirl for your next ptsd episode. My pdoc only has me supplement the sero with benzos when I'm in a really bad way. Benzos are shockers for tolerance issues so much better to use an antipsychotic with all the nice antianxiety and antidepressant, mood stabilising properties that seroquel has. Antipsychotics, mood stabilisers do not have tolerance issues (so I am told by my pdoc).

"Maybe it is because I, like you, only started processing my trauma recently. Before I was diagnosed and medicated for Bipolar it was hard to separate the different symptoms I felt. I wasn't self aware and was just riding a roller coaster of mania, depression, hypomania, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms." How much do I relate to that statement! Much worse I didn't know I was on a rollercoaster. I thought the changes in my mood were normal. At least they were when I looked at my also undiagnosed bipolar family.

One thing that I have posted about but it's never really been picked up with any great interest on the board is the correlation between bipolar and trauma. Growing up in a family with untreated bipolar parents, siblings, and even extended family, is inevitably a very dangerous environment. I emphasise it is only inevitably dangerous if all those people are unmedicated. It is a hotbed of abuse, sick beliefs and violence. It certainly can't be a safe, validating, protective or nourishing environment. I think in following generations having unmedicated bipolar (or schizophrenic) families of origin will open up screening for PTSD, because often kids in these environments don't get a chance. Drug abuse is rife, violence is rife, sexual abuse is rife, brainwashing is rife, basic needs not met....

(I don't know if your ptsd is childhood related, but your feelings of shame and your nic forever7 tends to indicate that.)

I hope meds, therapy, lifestyle as well as time, all help you feel more on top of you PTSD symptoms.

Deep regard,

Jade x

Conflict PTSD, mass accident PTSD is no less significant but often they have the "collective understanding". Childhood abuse is lonely and isolating, young unformed vulnerable brains without the nurturing and protection required for a healthy psyche in adulthood. I am not underestimating what the horror of warfare would be like. I haven't experienced and can't say "I know". I can say that childhood abuse is something I could write volumes on.
I'd be tempted to normalise your sister being missing in an unsafe environment. Of course it would trigger pstd but anyone would feel the deep worry and concern you feel.
You just have the additional luggage to deal with. "Maybe my bipolar symptoms aren't being controlled enough to prevent PTSD symptoms?". I would suggest that your legitimate feelings about the situation are triggering the ptsd and your bipolar might be going a little wonky from that. Only you can know what is happening for you.
I'm the same with Foreverachild but hopefully in little steps we can mature and heal the broken bits in our psyche. Hugs xxx

Forever, try not to compare. You're wounds might be so hidden but they are no less real.

The bloke in the wheelchair would prefer a disability that isn't so obvious.
The guy with a mental illness would prefer a disability that people can see and acknowledge as real.

People who are blind would rather be deaf and people who are deaf would rather be blind.

There are people who would prefer their trauma impact on their sexual performance rather than their job performance.

Some people think death is better than permanent disability; their loved one's often maintain, "not so".

Many people, espouse dying on their feet while they are living on their knees. We are built to survive and therefore we are prepared to compromise; to adjust and adapt to adversary.

Most people's worst secret, is something usually brushed off when the person discloses.

Your husband's sexual gratification is his responsibility first and foremost. It is certainly not wrong for him to desire intimacy with his wife and it seems like you are doing an amazing job at redefining sex as a safe, healthy activity in an adult relationship.

What was done to you as a kid wasn't sex.

But yes, memories do seem to be stored in the body and touch can activate those memories. You might want to carefully plan with your husband how to best avoid those triggers.

You sound like a lovely couple. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You cannot help what was done to you and the normal feelings that have come from that abuse.

I hope things pan out for your sister. You could have "ostrariched" like you mum and step-dad, but you are having the courage to see things exactly as they are. From that place you will eventually get outcomes for your efforts.

I remember you mention Judith Herman but I can't remember how I go on in my search.

I am way overtired. Really got to go to bed; will talk more another time xx