only.fools.believe said...
Hi there....
My name is well, you'll know if you chat with me.
I'm a female aged 16, Chinese American.
Lately bi polar depression has become a part of daily life, I don't know what I'll do, say or feel every time I wake up.
My childhood left a huge gash in my heart, I skipped two grades and ended up in second grade at the age of five. It was tough. i wasn't very good at studying and the only reason why I could skip grades was because my parents made me do math, english and science problems every day at home. Obviously, my parents agreed to me skipping two grades. They never thought about how I would cope with it.
My family began to fall apart and school was hard for me. my grades were slipping and my parents would always get mad at me and my little brother, who didn't do well either. Report card day was hell. My dad would bring out a belt, hanger and a bamboo cane then beat us. No matter how hard I tried to work hard, I couldn't cope and I was too young to understand most of the material. Things got worse and worse....My dad even stormed out once or twice with my mother chasing after him because of us. I had to get down on my knees and beg. BEG in front of him not to beat me anymore.
Besides my parents beating me, I didn't have any friends. When I was around 9 and still liked barbie dolls, girls were already talking about fashion magazines, boys and all that crap. I never had any real friends and for 7 painful years I had to change who I was. I had to 'fit in' in order not to be bullied. The girls and boys would take my food inside my backpack, tease me and call me names in class, hide my notebooks and all sorts of things.
I changed in order not to become their target of amusement. I was young and innocent, pure you could say. The me now, is nothing but tainted black.
There wasn't anyone to help me and I would usually turn to God.
We moved to a different country and for 2 years, everything was fine. I actually thought things were looking up.
My dad moved back with us ( he had buisness in a different country for 2 years) and things started getting worse. My mom and dad would always fight and their arguments were so intense that they would physically battle it out. I would be yelled at, hit and screamed at for no reason at all. All this time, I somehow delluded myself into thinking it was all my fault. More years passed and although some of the fighting ceased, my heart was already broken beyond repair.
My mother always told me when I was young "pretend to be happy, don't let other people know your troubles. Whatever is in the family...all our problems. Stay in the family. You can't trust anyone, no one at all! one day they'll betray you and you'll know why I'm telling you all this. If you tell other people about your troubles do you think they can help you? They secretly laugh behind your back"
My mom and dad don't know how much I've been hiding inside my heart. At one point I completely gave up on God and my beliefs, I was so bitter.
I can't even ask for help! My parents found out my brother had nervous emotional breakdown and had a huge fight about it. How can I even ask my parents for any sort of help? How can I tell anyone if not even my parents seem to care that there is this pain in my body that never leaves. When I breathe, when I eat, when I sleep. It never leaves me!! I'm scared of being alone. I've had breakdowns inside my bathtub and fits where I couldn't stop crying for hours.
I need help, please can someone talk to me? even if it's for a little while?
I am willing to listen, granted that you are willing to talk. (: