Bipolar 2 or Borderline PD? Please help

Hello,

I am DESPERATE for some help. I feel like the medical community is failing us and I've been unable to find a decent message board for loved ones of people with Bipolar. I apologize if this isn't the right forum -- if anyone knows a more appropriate one, PLEASE point me in the right direction.

If someone here can give me some insight, I would be ETERNALLY grateful...

My boyfriend (of 2 years, was living with me until 2 weeks ago) saw a Psychologist for 9 months. He wasn't totally open with her, so after months of sugar coating and then a few sessions where he asked me to come with him and tell her the "truth" about his behavior -- she diagnosed him with Bipolar II. But very little progress was made therapeutically. He later told me he felt like she was trying to seduce him and that he didn't want to disappoint her. (???)

He went to several Nurse Practitioners for meds. It was a disaster. He tried Abilify (horrible side affects -- no change). Buspar (made him more agitated). Klonopin as needed (wouldn't take when dysregulated).

He then went to a male Psychiatrist who diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder, and said it was NOT BP2. (But he didn't tell the PDoc about his wild spending sprees and suicidal tendencies.) The original Psychologist said it's possible it's both.

He went on 500mg of Depakote and Kapvay (for impulse control) and that seemed to help about 20%.

Then 2 weeks ago, he decided there was nothing wrong with him, stopped his meds, and cancelled all of this appointments with all his doctors. That's when I told him to move out of my house. He became suicidal -- and now things are getting really out of control and I don't know what to do.

2 weeks ago, he finally admitted that he thinks he has both BPD and BP2. Then he became more normal than I've ever seen him. But now he's dysregulated again and our lives are being ruined. I don't know how to stop this cycle!!!

I've been posting on the Borderline PD Forum, and although some things are SIMILAR, it doesn't seem to be totally hitting the mark. I've been reading all I can about Bipolar 2 but all the clinical mumbo-jumbo isn't giving me a good idea of what it's all about.

Here's a synopsis if anyone is willing to lend an ear: Does this sound like Bipolar? If not all, then which ones?

His father, aunt and uncle have all told me this behavior has been going on since he was about 18. He believes much of it started much younger than that.

History of impulsively buying very expensive things he can't afford, doesn't need, and didn't want 5 minutes before he bought it. Has owned more cars, boats, planes, 4 wheelers, motorcycles, watches, etc etc than an entire town. Then a few days later is sick over it, having no idea why he did that. Has been in serious debt his whole life (and is only now almost out of it, because I've been supporting him, made him sell everything, and I've been trying to curtail the crazy purchases).

about 10 years ago he put a loaded gun to his head. He has been off-and-on suicidal his whole life, and many family members have picked up on it.

Has not shown violence with me, but before me: Threw a stove across a room, punched out a windshield, ran someone off the road, has punched holes in every wall of his former houses, has destroyed all kinds of things, put a gun in his dog's mouth for eating a plate of brownies...

For about 2 WEEKS he will be the most normal, calm, understanding, loving person you have ever met. Then, things will go haywire for about 72 hours and I truly do NOT know this human being. (The cycle is almost like clockwork. Over the summer he went 6 weeks once. Over the holidays, it was every week.)

For awhile, I thought I could sense it coming on: Increased agitation, sensitivity, trying to pick fights with me, controlling, delusionally jealous, demanding, accusatory, suspicious, overly needy... But eventually the explosion that I could never seem to avoid, would occur. But now I don't sense it quite as much and sometimes feels like it comes out of nowhere.

The explosions get "triggered" by bad weather, a bad day at work, his dad or ex-wife or kids not being nice to him, if I tell him I'm unhappy with something he's done, or just some disappointment generated by an unreasonable expectation (like the time I refused to buy him a $10,000 used Harley that he wanted). He always makes it about ME, but the crazy arguments make NO sense and they end up all over the place -- and he never has any idea where the whole thing started once it's over.

I can tell the second he's in this "mode" and the second he snaps out of it. He is completely dysregulated, raging, saying horrible things, blaming me for everything, cannot listen to a word I'm saying, there is NO calming him down -- he will go on for HOURS. I cannot count the number of nights I have not slept AT ALL.

He will NOT stop or take a time out. He cannot calm down. If I try to leave the house, he either tells me we're over and starts packing his things and calling his job and telling them he's not coming in (he's lost MANY days of work this way) -- or he physically blocks me from leaving the house. If I can get out, he will call me over 100 times and just keep raging at me if I pick up. The nightmare isn't over, until he comes out of the dysregulation.

After about 8 hours (min) to 36 hours (avg) to 72 hours (max) -- he finally calms down and really has little to no perception of how he was behaving. One time, I taped a 35 minute rant. While he was still dysregulated, I asked how he thought that went. He said he thought he was being funny and that I was being abusive and monopolizing the conversation. I asked him to listen to the tape, and he laughed and had the same reaction... The next day, once he was normal again, I asked him again what he thought -- and he said that we both were not very nice to each other, but he didn't think it was too bad. So I asked him to listen to it again -- he broke down crying. He had been very abusive and I had said about 4 words, and even while I cried, he just told me to shut up and kept right on going. He said he had NO idea that's how he came across when he was dysregulated, and that wasn't even one of the worst episodes.

When I try to remind him of what happened, he seems to remember parts of it, and says he has no idea why he said that, never meant any of it, breaks down crying and begs me for forgiveness. He's probably broken up with me about 20 times over 20 months -- but it usually lasts for about 8 hours -- max 36. (It's really just become a joke.) Then after about 2 weeks of utterly normal behavior, I'm finally getting comfortable again -- it happens all over again.

Please -- if anyone can help -- does this sound like Bipolar?

What do I do now?

Thank you thank you thank you in advance.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your reply. (I know you're not a doctor) but does ALL of this sound like "typical Bipolar" to you? I'm just trying to figure out exactly what I'm dealing with here so I can address this properly. Nothing seems to be working.


The Borderline diagnosis came in because there seems to be a fear of abandonment. If he thinks I'm upset with him, he breaks up with me, fearing I'm going to break up with him. But then hours (or 2 days) later he comes back crying begging me to take him back.

He seems to paint people black -- and then paint them white. Usually he can be rational when he's normal -- but then he goes right back to alienating people (for truly no good reason) and just sticks with that, figuring he must have a good reason.

I started seeing a Therapist about a month ago. (Previously he didn't want me to because he didn't want me telling anyone else about his/our issues.) She is helping me, but it's slow work.

2 weeks ago, after this whole thing took a serious toll on my career, I told him to move out of my house and I ended things with him. I've been financially supporting him, but he doesn't have access to my money, so MY finances are fine (just a little more drained than normal).

But he became suicidal, called me over 150 times a day -- after 3 days of me living in a hotel room, afraid to go back -- he FINALLY moved out of my house, but then kept calling, texting, showing up, etc. I tried to keep him at bay, but he was clearly suicidal -- he wasn't even functioning at work -- and I couldn't get anyone to intervene but was too afraid to call the police. He can fake being VERY normal as soon as someone else gets involved.

I did reach out to his family members, but no one wants to -- or thinks they can -- help. His mom passed away years ago. He's become estranged from his extended family. His father is disordered as well. His ex-wife wants to use this as an excuse to get full custody of his kids. I've reached out to everyone I can think of, and it hasn't worked.


The last 10 days he has been SO normal, I've almost questioned whether or not he really has a problem, and maybe it was just us living together that was causing so many issues. We both agreed he probably has BPD and BP2 but I couldn't get over the changes in him. He begged and begged me to just give him a chance to prove to me that he can fix all of this and all the havoc he's created. He truly has been making enormous changes -- things I wish I had seen over the last 2 years. I told him I won't get back together with him -- not anytime soon, and maybe never -- but I wouldn't lose complete contact with him or date anyone else, at least for awhile.

But yesterday things got weird again. His kids thought yesterday was his birthday (but it was actually today). All they got him was a jar of M&M's and he was really hurt. His dad just gave him a card and that hurt him too. So the next thing I know, he's asking me to cook him a special birthday meal and telling me he needs more from me if he's going to continue trying to prove himself to me. (TOTAL departure from how he's been acting. But very normal in the realm of dysregulation -- they hurt him, I have to make up for it. Of course I can't fix his feelings, so he finds something to rage at me about.)

This morning I found out that he was flirting with some girl online and giving her his number and telling her he was single. I asked him about it and that turned into WW3. Now he's telling me he wants nothing more to do with me because I'm crazy and he's the victim and there's nothing wrong with him. I tried to explain to him that he's dysregulated -- and I tried to get him to see it -- but of course he can't. His hateful emotions right now are the ONLY ones he can feel, and even though he wasn't feeling them yesterday -- he's convinced he's been feeling like this for forever.


I really don't think I could get him hospitalized. He wouldn't agree to it even if he wasn't dysregulated. I can't get his family members to intervene. I know I've got to walk away, but I can't figure out how when he won't respect boundaries and one minute goes from "I hate you with every ounce of my body" and then to "You're everything to me, I don't want to be alive without you!" And of course, I care about him immensely and have been working for almost 2 years to get him stable. We always seem to get "closer" -- but then we go right back to Square One, 2 weeks later.

Thank you again. I need all the advice I can get...

Thank you I.G.

I finally got him to move out. Had to alert the police because he wasn't leaving. But they didn't have to get involved, thank goodness. At least my home is my fortress again. That's a BIG help.

I stayed for so long for many reasons. His kids were living with us part time and I was trying to get him stable for them. I knew if I asked him to move out, things were going to get ugly, fast. And they did. He had to move back in with his disordered father, because he doesn't have the finances to get a place of his own. For a long time, his dad was telling me he wouldn't take him in. Plus, it's became SO obvious that this is a mental illness, and he truly gets SO sad about it, that I just couldn't imagine walking away from someone who was begging me to help. [I'm currently reading Codependent No More. :) New revelation!]

I knew something wasn't right -- but it took me awhile to figure out just HOW wrong things were (when he's SO NORMAL for so many weeks, without a HINT of any problems -- it's hard to stay convicted and also prove to him there's a problem!) and when I got him into therapy, they said they could help. I just had no idea how long it would take to get him the help. I also didn't know he was snowing his Therapist.

He just becomes SO unpredictable and his reactions are always so extreme. I've been desperately trying to set boundaries with him. He'll respect them when he's not dysregulated. But it all goes out the window as soon as something triggers him. Then, all bets are off.

When I ended things with him, he lead on his ex-wife (who still loves him) into thinking he may want to come back. When he realized how badly this hurt her, he had a long conversation with her apologizing and telling her the truth. The internet girl today actually contacted him (old friend / ex-girlfriend? from HS) on Facebook. He just went along with it, told her he was single, agreed to get together with her and gave her his number -- but nonetheless, it's all the same, really.

I'm not forgiving saying everything is ok. I've told him that I will not get back together with him and that he MUST get help. (He finally divulged his disorders to his ex-wife and she's demanding that he get help too.) I've always maintained that he must be medicated and getting help if he wants to stay in my house and any part of my life. When he damaged my career and then said he was discontinuing treatment -- that's when I made him move out. He made an appt with a new Psychologist, but he couldn't take my ex until the middle of March.

I don't know where to go from here. I told him tonight to not contact me again until he's back to normal. I knew if I just ended it while he was dysregulated, it would cause more problems down the line. And this week, I can't afford for that to happen. My job is in jeopardy.

How have I tolerated all of this? My level of tolerance got over-expanded as a kid with a disordered mother. Not sure what she has (I've had no contact with her for 9 years) but it's something similar to all this. That's my part in all this -- replaying old wounds, unconsciously.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water here.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your husband. I know I've caused my husband serious, long lasting pain & trauma during my episodes.

I've also been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Doctors often categorize mental illness in neat little boxes. Diagnostic tools are designed to identify different symptoms and different illnesses. But if you read the diagnostic criteria you will see lots of similarities.

In research I've read, experts are referring to Bipolar spectrum disorders lately. So the focus in treatment is to control emotional dysregulation, without being too concerned if the patient has Bipolar I, II or BPD

I hope you can reach some peace