Is no memory of things common?

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your really kind and thoughtful responses to my first post. I haven't had a chance to write or get more caught up on the characteristics of Bipolar, because I've been pretty caught up with trying to manage what's going on around here.

I have a quick question:

Is having no memory of things you said, did, where you were, etc common?

My boyfriend has BY FAR the worst memory of anyone I know. His entire family marvels at it, and often thinks he's joking -- when he's really not.

His kids will talk about something they did together just a few years ago, and he has NO recollection of it. Once in awhile, he'll ask me if I've been someplace, and we had just gone there together a few months ago -- and he'll act surprised when I try to remind him. Or he'll ask me something really basic about my job, that I'm almost positive he already knew.

He recently spoke with a friend who he knew 25 years ago. She told him about how one time he punched out some guy's windshield. Another time he ripped a street sign out of the ground. A bunch of stuff -- but he remembers NONE of it. (How do you not remember that sort of thing??)

He has a TOTALLY different perception of how he has behaved, how I have behaved, what he said or didn't say -- when he's gone into his "black and white mode" and hates me. It took me taping him and playing it back for him to realize just how bad it gets sometimes.

I've often said, when he goes into his "mode" -- it's like he's a TOTALLY different person. Like the other person is literally GONE.

The last 3 days, I've been telling him that I want to talk. Just a 30 minute conversation -- I just need him to HEAR me and try to understand that I'm feeling controlled and that I need a little relief.

Each and every time -- without me even starting the topic -- he flew into a rage, ended the relationship, telling me I'm going to be alone forever, etc etc etc.

Then he calmed down and wanted to be intimate. Then when I didn't respond the way he wanted, he stormed out of the house breaking up with me again. Then he showed up unexpectedly with breakfast. Then he got upset that wasn't happy and bubbly, and stormed back out again raging.

For 3 days it's been like this -- all over the fact that I want to talk, and he just wants me to be quiet, go with his program, and be happy.

But here's where my head just spun off my neck:

I just got a text from him where he apologized for not giving me what I needed and said, "So why didn't you just tell me you wanted to talk this morning, yesterday...??"

Is this common with Bipolar? (Or for those of you with knowledge of Borderline -- is it common with BPD?)

Yes, bipolar disorder does change cognitive function and can impair memory. However, what you describe does not sound obviously like bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is not an anger disorder.

No matter the cause, you cannot endure this abuse, and he needs professional help.

Yes, G.J., anger is not defined as part of the bipolar disorder, although bipolar disorder is a mood (instability of moods) disorder.

Anger is a natural (I don't like to use the word "normal" because nobody can accurately define what "normal" is.) reaction to an insult to one's integrity or to behavior that causes fear, etc. Everyone experiences it and everyone has his/her own method for dealing with it. It doesn't define bipolar illness in any way, although I suspect that bipolar patients are very capable of anger,
just as everyone else is.

It is a natural emotion in that it serves to protect oneself from harm. The way in which one handles anger is extremely important, however, because it is never appropriate to physically attack someone except in the case of defense of one's life. (And in that case, I think one is dealing more with rage than with anger.)

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 2/25/2012 7:28:51 PM (GMT-7)

Thanks guys for your responses. The Psychologist he saw for 9 months kept maintaining it was Bipolar 2. She seemed really good, so I figured I'd look into it. But the more I read here, the more I think otherwise...

IG -- I think you were right. It's NPD... Maybe BPD. But definitely NPD, thru and thru.

I found this article about an hour ago, and my jaw has been dropped. I had read and read about NPD, but the classic "needs to be important, life of the party, etc" description didn't fit. But when described in context of a relationship -- it's like reading the history of the last 20 months of my life.

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

Thanks again for all your help. I blocked his phone numbers on my cell and unplugged my home phone. Filtered his emails into a folder that doesn't hit my Inbox and ring my phone.

hahaha Now he's at my front door. Ringing the bell, knocking -- over and over. My lights are on, so he must figure I'm here. I'm going out of town on business tomorrow. I'll get some peace, at least for a little while... Once he leaves.

This is so absurd...

Thanks Tortoise... I am on the floor of my kitchen, hiding from my windows, waiting for him to leave. He's stopped banging and ringing but he's still sending me emails which makes me think he's not driving. He has to leave in 45 mins for work, so it can't go on forever. Then I go out of town for 4 days.

Will he do something when I get back? I don't know. I had to go to the police when he wouldn't leave my house. They didn't end up having to get involved (I told them to wait until the next night because they were going to get a restraining order -- and he left on his own coincidentally.) But they already know it's an issue.

He has never physically harmed me. The only violence I've ever seen, is he threw my suitcase once, but it landed on the bed. He used to block me from leaving the house in his rages -- but never touched me. So if that's an indicator, I think I'll be ok. I've never heard of him harming people. He doesn't even punch or destroy objects anymore.

I'll be careful though. I'm starting to understand the level of core wounds this guy has.... Thank you for your concern. :)

He didn't let me see my friends much, so he doesn't know them very well. And I finally got the courage to tell them what's been going on, and they're all very anxious for me to get away from him. So I don't THINK they'll say anything. But he's really not in contact with them anyway.

I live in a tight knit complex. The people close to me know what's going on and are looking out for me. The people that I'm not close with don't know much about my life or my comings and goings.

It's a very good point, though. I'll have to think about who he may still have ties to. We do have some mutual acquaintances, but I have such an irregular work schedule and I'm out of town a lot. Other than my lights being on at night, there's really no way for him to find out where I am. And I have an alarm system.

I have a few of his cousins on my Facebook. I just won't post anything for now, and deal with getting them off of there when I get back from my business trip.

Occasionally out of anger, he's threatened to do some mean things to me (post stuff on the internet, etc -- nothing physical) but always comes back immediately apologizing, saying he's sorry he said it and that he didn't mean it.

I'm pretty sure the guy has a conscience. I'm just realizing he has no empathy (although he fakes it quite well when needed).

I think he may be harassing. At least until he finds another narcissistic supply source. I don't think he will hurt me though. Just my instinct.

He's gone now. I'm going to try to leave before he gets off work tomorrow. Then I'll be out of town for 4 days and he can't find me there.

I just hate that it had to end this way. It would have been better if we could have had a "closure, agree to go our separate ways" conversation. But that was never going to happen. It was just this constant push-pull (which may be the BPD) and only for a short while could he respect my boundaries.

I'll get the police involved if this continues. I'm not going to deal with the harassment forever. Hopefully he'll get it out of his system quickly.

I do really appreciate your concern. You've given me some good stuff to think about. If you have any other thoughts, I'm all ears. I feel like I'm in uncharted territory right now...