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Am I a trigger for hypomania or it is something else?

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Posted 2/21/2012 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
Looking for information on triggers and hypomania as well as how to differentiate when someone’s attitude, behavior and thoughts are due to having bipolar or who they are and what they genuinely think, feel and act.

I am the spouse and my husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. He has shown little or no signs of depression over our 18 year relationship. He has been very manipulative, hurtful, angry, demanding, controlling and emotionally abusive many times over the years and has crossed the line with me to the point that I no longer have a boundary line. I have accepted things that I would never accept including a child outside of our marriage. After being emotionally abused again and disrespected to the core of my being I finally decided that I am a person of value and the relationship was killing me inside. I asked him to leave because I no longer chose to continue the marriage.

He was unwilling to accept the end of the marriage and refuses to leave. He decided that he would go get help and counseling because he thought he may have bipolar. I supported him going to get help but also told him that I was not changing my mind because I have been damaged too much and need to get healthy myself. He went to an appointment and was diagnosed. He asked that I not make him leave and wait a couple of months while he gets himself under control. I told him that I would give him time but that I was not changing my mind.

He has been on medication for over 4 weeks. He states that he feels good and under control.

He feels that he is mostly hypomanic. I am looking for more info on this because it confuses me that he seems to be in control in all situations and with other people since his diagnosis but is “hypomanic” almost on a daily basis with me. Am I causing this hypomania? It only occurs when he is unsatisfied with my answers to his questions, when he does not like something I do, or does not agree with my feelings. I do not seek out his challenging questions and prodding he comes at me almost every day to question me and then he gets worked up. I do not want to make things up to him or lie about my feelings but it almost seems easier to do that in order to save my own sanity so that I am not being attacked by his over questioning and witness the shaking, quick movements, ready to blow attitude that he forces in my face. I am not allowed to ask that we discuss later when he is calm he needs answers and he needs them now… he doesn’t believe my answers or feelings and they are not good enough for him so it continues over and over and can escalate into throwing things and punching walls. Is this hypomania or is it him not being able to handle not getting me to say and do what he wants? The line is so blurred for me I just don’t know.

I want to show him that I support him getting healthy but I do not want to lead him on. I continue to remind him that I have not changed my mind but that I support him. He acts like we are going to be together and I just haven’t accepted it yet. He wants to be by my side during all of my free time, is redecorating our bedroom (we are about to lose our house), expects me to do things with him that were never a part of our relationship before and acts like I am in the wrong if I do not want to oblige. He has hurt my friends with nasty words but will not let me have time with them without his tagging along.

He has not followed through on a job for a family member of mine and thinks it is no big deal. He is fighting like a 4 year old with his baby’s mom calling her all kinds of names and threatening to turn off her phone (I do not like the woman but I do not think she should be treated like this by him – mutual respect would be nice). He puts down or finds fault with things I want to do or with my friends or family who want to spend time with me. Is all of this behavior due to being bipolar? It is pretty consistent and I really don’t know how to separate what is due to bipolar and what is just who a person is.

He is basically forcing me to be with him by refusing to leave. I feel bad for him and he makes me feel guilty if I do not give him another chance because of his diagnosis. I even asked if he could move out for a couple of months in order for us both to get a perspective and to give both of us time to begin to heal ourselves. This is not acceptable to him and he refuses. I have 2 children and I am the stable one so I really don’t want to have to be the one to leave. When he convinced me to give him another chance, after I learned about the pregnancy, he said he would be the one to leave if it did not work out.

I am trying my best to understand all of this and be there for him. I just need to understand what is due to this disease and what is not since he is doing his best to convince me otherwise. I don’t want to be a bad person or hurt him further. The decision to end the marriage was not on a whim it is due to years of trouble and hurting that I have suffered and I don’t want to be stupid and keep subjecting myself to the pain.
I wish that he would leave and that I could support him as a friend from a bit of a distance. Is that bad of me? He has told me many times that I am a horrible selfish person and this would just prove it to him. I always try to do what is right and I just want to feel ok with myself without causing harm or hurt to anyone else.

Thanks for listening and any info on hypomania, triggers and knowing the difference between normal behavior/thoughts and behavior/thoughts that are under the effect of a bipolar episode.
Posted 2/21/2012 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
 

  Hi stuckhere, let me try and help.

  Medication. My first med was abilify. NOt bad, it had some calming influnces, but when i switched to respridone, that was a huge wake up call. Major med that one. But it took me over two years to finally get balanced and find "normal" Ive never heard of anyone getting normal in 4 weeks.

   Now i never had any real depression, until my mania dissappeared. Then a severe depression appeared and let me tell you, that it was a scary thing. So we treated that and worked to find a balance in my meds. THat takes time, time and effort.

  Yes, you can be a trigger. But i dont mean that in a mean or bad way. Im convinced that alot of BP is all about interpersonnel relationships. A bad relationship (not blaming either party here) is going to make him worse.  I had to get away from my ex to start to feel better and better. In fact, if i spend any time around her i can feel how it triggers bad things in my brain.

  For me i live alot of hypomania. For me it just kinda of feels like a good cup of coffee. Im willing to bet what he considers hypomania is actual mania. Thats just kinda my thoughts on it.

   You are not the bad guy here. If you need space then you need to get it. If he wont leave then you need to get out. If the house is about to go bye bye then getting out early would be good for you. I still care about my ex, i want nothing but the best for her, but i cant support her. She has her own problems and until she accepts them all my support is for naught.

  Bill

Posted 2/21/2012 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your input. Do you have any advise on how to tell what behavior or thoughts is due to his illness? Is there a way to tell? He says he has always been bipolar so he can't say specifically what is because of it and what is not. Where does it begin and end?

I can understand if I can see the depression or the over the top mania but I am not sure about the rest. Does it all just blur to where you cannot pinpoint? Do you feel like no matter where you are at or how you are feeling that it has always affected your thoughts and behaviors and is a part of you?

Thanks again
Posted 2/21/2012 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Stuckhere, and welcome to the Bipolar Forum,

Bill has given you some very helpful information to work with in trying to understand your husband's illness. Frankly, as a woman, I'm more concerned about you as a mother living in a home for many years with a man who is seriously ill with Bipolar illness.

I hope you will consider counseling to recover from the traumatic stress syndrome that can develop with one is faced with continuing abuse, marital infidelity, outbursts of anger, and heaven knows what else! It will help you tremendously as you move into a new phase in your life.

Sometimes, too much damage has already been done to try to remain in a volatile environment. It isn't good for your children, either, and they deserve to have a quiet, calm atmosphere in which to be reared.

In Bipolar illness, when one is in an episode, almost all thoughts, both depression and mania, are due to the chemical imbalance in the brain.  He doesn't say much about which is which because his intelligence isn't working at its peak levels. For example, he has clouded judgment when he is in an episode.

An episode may strike him overnight or take a gradual slipping into severe depression or mania. Yes, I think it does cause "foggy" thinking strongly.  Your use of "blur" is a very good one. Yes, I think a bipolar patient who recognizes his illness is aware that it can always be with him, although on proper medication he has a very strong opportunity to live a life of calmness and genuine love and affection for both your family and his.

Sometimes, Bipolar patients are like little children in their emotions: they can be jealous, putting down everyone and everything around them. Then, when out of an episode, they may laugh at some of the things they have said and done. There's a lot of "growing up" that the Bipolar patient needs to do in his life to go into remission. I remember very clearly one man who had to leave his marriage (for whatever reason) and wound up living the rest of his life with his mother.

The illness has varying degrees of severity. Some may be mildly Bipolar with few and far-between episodes; others are severe cases, as I would suggest your husband might be. You've certainly endured a woeful time with it all.

It's time for you to take good care of yourself now. You are heading into some major changes in life if he does resign himself to the need to be medicated to bring the brain chemistry back in order. If he doesn't you have some choices you need to consider, as you know.

Please keep posting as you wish; I feel sure others will come aboard to offer their view of things.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 2/21/2012 2:51:18 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/21/2012 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
 

   Hey stuckhere, let me try and help some more. Its hard to differiate what is his thoughts (as the man he is) and what the BP does to cloud his thoughts. Does that make sense? Because he only has one brain. I have often said here that we have two om many things, knees, eyes, hands, etc. And when one goes bad, you have something to compare it too. Hey, my left knee is feeling funky, but my right feels fine. Let me go to the doctor and see whats up. So you go to the doctor, they use a machine, and normally can tell whats up.

   With this desease its so subjective. I can honestly say that i threw myself into my therpy 100 percent. How can i say that? Cause its me, the one person in the world i can honestly talk about. But has your husband truely owned this desease,? I dont know? Only he knows that. I was BP for years before i got treatment, and that treatment continues to this day. Thats why him thinking that he is under control after 4 weeks is a huge red flag. He was lost for years, you just dont recover that quickly from this desease. In my honest opinion.

   But its genetic is absolutly right. You need to get into therpay and work on the wounds you now carry.  My marriage suffered to much damage to save, so i got a divorce, and after being gone for 2 years i am better. My life is better. Everything is better. Was it rough, hard, downright aweful at times. Absolutly. But you have to go thru a storm to get out of the rain. It just takes time.

   Bill

Posted 2/23/2012 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
I can't answer any of your questions -- I am as lost as you are. But I just wanted to say that your story sounds VERY similar to mine. The only difference being, my boyfriend (who was diagnosed with Bipolar II and Borderline PD) will stay rational, loving, kind, etc for about 2 weeks. Then, almost like clockwork, something will trigger him (me, his kids, his dad, his ex-wife, etc) and for the next 72 hours it is hell on earth.

He rages and won't stop. Sometimes he won't even let me leave the house. He breaks up with me and packs his things. Even calls in sick to work to move his things out, telling them we broke up (again). Then he comes out of it, sobbing, apologizing, promising change. It's been quite a rollercoaster for the last 2 years. It finally affected my job so I told him to move out 2 weeks ago. I thought that would help, but then he became suicidal and started calling me 150 times a day begging me to let him get help again and prove himself to me.

When I asked him to move out, he refused too. I went to a hotel for 3 days and finally had to go to the police to get a plan in place. He eventually left on his own, but then just kept coming back crying, unable to function. I told him that I wouldn't lose contact with him and that we could still be friends -- but no matter how many times I told him I probably wasn't going to be able to get past the damage that was done -- he kept saying he knew it would all work out.

But yesterday some of his family members hurt his feelings. Now he's dysregulated again and wants nothing to do with me and is being hateful again. I've got to go try to save my job in a few days from now. This is the worst possible timing.

All I'm saying is -- I sympathize. And your post helped me because I've been trying to figure out if this is Bipolar or Borderline or both. Your situation sounds very familiar. Controlling, jealous, no boundaries, rages and won't stop... Alternated with loving, rational behavior. I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're not alone.
Posted 2/28/2012 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
G.J.

Thanks for your comments. It does help to know that someone else can understand how i feel. It is very frustrating to feel like there is nothing geared toward the significant other and their decisions or feelings.
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