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VERY bad week

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Posted 3/19/2012 5:15 AM (GMT 0)
Well, this week has been pretty bad.  Aside from being depressed due to not being able to find a job...Last Friday my boyfriend decided that he wouldn't be moving in afterall and that he was going to find his own place (he had already been basically living with me for a few months).  We barely talked all weekend because I was so upset about the whole thing. 

On Monday night we had planned for him to come get the rest of his things and to talk.  That didn't go well.  He told me we were over and I grabbed my pill bottle and took about 20 pills trying to OD.  Fire, EMS, and police all came and I was taken to the hospital and then to the local mental hospital where I was placed (because of over-crowding) in the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit with those who have the most severe cases of mental health issues. 

Luckily, I was released on Wednesday evening and went home to my brother's house where I would be "supervised".  I finally came home to my apartment where I live alone on Friday.

The police were called again on Friday, because of some text messages I sent to my ex that were perceived by my brother (my ex forwarded them to him) to be death threats.  The police didn't take me away. 

It has been a long, hard week.   I'm exhausted.  I have a working interview tomorrow where I have to work for 3 hours so they can see how I do and if I am a good fit for the job.  I'm not ready for it, I'm too tired.  Definitely not ready to go back to work.

Posted 3/19/2012 5:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Curlyjenn! I read your post and am sorry that you ended up taking an OD because of everything that happened. Maybe the fact that your boyfriend didnt move in with you, was for the best. At least you know where you stand with him. I think you should see a psychologist to talk about things. It helps to get things out of your system and will enable you to become strong again and move forward. As for the job interview, try postponing it for a day or two until you feel up to it. I will be thinking of you. Everything of the best!
Posted 3/19/2012 6:03 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your response. You have no idea how much each and every reply means to me. It helps knowing that there are people out there that understand.

I am going to go ahead and go through with the interview, unless I wake up tomorrow just a mess. I am really trying to move forward.

Thanks again.
Posted 3/19/2012 7:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Jenn,

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Relationships are so hard aren't they? I'm definitely aware of how interpersonal dynamics can either help or really hinder Bipolar Disorder.

I've been to the ER a bunch of times for taking too many meds. I know how scary it is. Hopefully the worst has passed and you will feel better about your interview.

Please let us know how it went.

xo
B
Posted 3/20/2012 2:02 AM (GMT 0)
I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And the more I think about my ex the more I realize that he definitely isn't the guy for me. If he can't handle being there thru the hard times then move along sucka!

We moved way too fast and he didn't get to see how bad things could get before we said we loved eachother, moved in with eachother, etc. From now on, I'm taking things SLOW. I need the person I am dating in the future to get to know the REAL me, good, bad and UGLY before I let them commit themselves to me and before I commit myself to them. My last two relationships were so rushed that I don't think either of the guys really understood what they were getting themselves into, even tho I explained to them in detail how bad it could get.

Oh well, I'm over him. Time to take care of myself and find my prince charming.
Posted 3/20/2012 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
I am so happy for you, even in such an awful week. You learned finitely that your relationship could not work. Better now that later... after buying a house and having kids it is almost impossible to separate ties. You got a good plan for going forward in dating.

And you got a job. :)

Take care of you! And don't forget to check in once in a while! :)
Posted 3/20/2012 11:26 AM (GMT 0)
 

  Glad you got the job, YAY for you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

   Now as for relationships why not take some time off and just get comfortable with you??? I did. I took almost 6 months off dating. I needed the break and it paid off well. I got centered, felt good, got great work done on the job, and just lived and enjoyed it.

  I think society puts way to much stock into having to be in a relationship. I mean look at all the dating sites advertising each and every day. Taking time off and just living for you is a great way to find yourself all over again. Is it lonely sometimes, yes. But all in all i felt the experience helped way more then it hurt me.

  Bill 

Posted 3/20/2012 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
I agree. I do need to take time off for myself. I need to learn that being alone is ok. But, boy is it hard!

I didn't mention before that while I was in the hospital they diagnosed me with BPD, after looking it up and taking an online assessment, I definitely agree with the diagnosis. I think it explains a lot in what has happened in my relationships.

I'm really frustrated today. Feeling like a failure and a f*#& up. My parents are there for me, I couldn't ask for more, but I can't help but feel like they probably wish they had a "normal" child that didn't cause them so many problems.

UGH!!!!!!
Posted 3/23/2012 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
And so my week gets worse. I DIDN'T get the job afterall. Got a phone call today that the company somehow found out about a job that I worked at for about a month, that wasn't listed on my application or resume and contacted them for a reference. I was really sick when I worked there and they gave a bad reference. So, now I don't have a job again.



UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 3/23/2012 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Curlyjenn! I am sorry about how things have turned out for you regarding the job situation. It can be very frustrating but I believe everything in life happens for the best. There must be a better job waiting for you. When we are going through tough times, we dont always understand why, but after a while things become clearer to us and start to make sense. Dont give up, keep on looking for that right job, ITS ON ITS WAY!! You are in my prayers. Stay strong girl.
Posted 3/30/2012 6:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Curlyjenn! Just checking in to hear how things are going with you. I really hope that you are feeling tons better and that you are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding a job. Please let us know. Have a good weekend!
Posted 3/31/2012 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it. I had an interview last week that went well, but they won't be making a decision for a few weeks. In the meantime, I am going in to observe the classroom I would be working in to see if it would be a good fit for me and they have also added me to the substitute list so I guess that is technically a job for now. They will just call me when they need some one to fill in and hopefully I will get the full-time position when they are ready to fill it.

I also should be hearing back from another company next week to set up an interview. This is the job I am really hoping to get. It's more in line with my experience.

As for the rest of me, I saw my psychiatrist and he has added lexapro to my cocktail of drugs. I'm hoping that helps with the depression. I also found a therapist who I am scheduled to see once a week. I know I need to find someone who specializes in DBT, but I'm just going to see this person for now and see how it goes.

I've also been doing REALLY well at not being in contact with my ex-boyfriend what-so-ever. It's only been a few days, but I'm proud of myself for not giving in and texting him or checking what he is doing on his twitter. I was driving myself crazy with all that non-sense. I feel more sane and more in control now. I feel better.
Posted 4/1/2012 4:43 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you get the job you are hoping for and I'm sorry that other one fell through. The market is tough. Really tough when you feel like crap. I keep looking at people and thinking, "How are they just holding down these fulltime jobs, working so hard, and supporting their families when I can hardly pay a bill, own a cat, or work 20 hours a week without wanting to vomit up my spleen?" Also sorry about your boyfriend. Sound like a jerk. And ya know, I just gotta think that if there are women out there willing to love men with all their thousands upon thousands of gender inherited flaws than there must be uncreepy, nice men out there willing to love (and be patient/sympathetic to) a girl who, but for a few minor personality 'quirks,' is otherwise perfect. At least, I personally pray that this is the case. (Although to be perfectly honest, I have had way more luck with women. They will seriously put up with a lot and be very supportive of someone who loves them and treats them well, as they tend to be a bit more compassionate and less self-centered. I mean, so if you think you could swing that way awhile you might want to try it. Just a friendly, semi-inappropriate, yet experience-based suggestion)
Posted 4/1/2012 9:24 AM (GMT 0)
CurlyJenn I am so glad to hear all your good news. I can hear you are much more positive about your situation. Good for you. You self-confidence is also good. I am so proud of you for not having contact with your ex boyfriend. See, you are stronger than you thought. May you get the job your heart desires. Keep on believing for it. Trust your added meds will make you feel better. Try to stay positive and keep us posted. Take care!
Posted 4/1/2012 10:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jenn,
It sounds DBT could be really beneficial. Suicidal one day about the guy you don't care about the next day kinda seems like a bit of bpd too. It is rare for bipolars to cycle that fast, but possible. (Okay I've just read where you are BPD! - somehow missed it with the neck pain - sorry). DBT will teach you how to not just seek help before you swallow the pills but develop the skills to short circuit the whole "I'm going to kill myself" thing. Be gentle with yourself on the work stuff. You seem really unwell just atm. Part-time work might give you the ability to access the therapy and psychiatry that you need. Possibly work on the relationship with yourself before getting into a serious long-term relationship. I know what it is like to spin out of control and it is the absolute pits. I have BP (and BPD) and havegiven up on both work and relationships; but you seem to have the energy and stamina for both, so well done! that is great. Stabilisation is possible. Don't give up! :) Jade.
Posted 4/2/2012 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
Illmissucat – LOL! I appreciate the suggestion, but I love men way too much :)

Charmy – I definitely am more positive. I’ve been going to church with a friend also, I think that is helping.

Living Well – I’m not sure finding a DBT therapist would even work out because the ones in my town are located so far away from me and once I start working I wouldn’t have time to see them regularly. I think I am going to get the workbook and try going through it myself.
Unfortunately, part-time work isn’t an option for me. I have to have full-time work so I can get health insurance benefits so I can stay on my meds, keep seeing my therapist, etc. The system sucks, but it is what it is. Not to mention the fact that I live alone and need to be able to pay rent. My parents are helping me right now, but it’s not something they can afford to do for much longer.
Posted 4/2/2012 6:35 PM (GMT 0)
lol @ illmissucat and curlyjenn!

The perfect man does exist. Finding one... I guess I just got dumb luck. :D God knows he's not perfect, but his flaws can be beneficial. He's steady, unflappable (almost), somewhat lacking in emotion. He's crazy-patient and loves half of me enough that he tolerates the half he hates. :) He's good at things I am not good at. And I'm good at things he can't do.

BUT, I do have a plan B! My best friend of 10+ years would move out to the country with a menagerie of livestock/pets. We've been roommates before when I was unmedicated so she knows what she's getting into. ;) We lived in the city. We had house-chickens and a goat. Actually we had like 16 species or something crazy like that in a 500 sq ft house! OK, there are some parts about hypomania that I miss! :)
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