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Posted 5/1/2012 11:26 AM (GMT 0)

Hello All.  I want to share a bit of my story about my Bi polar wife and I, but sadly it seems like it will sound all too familiar.  Any words of advice and/or encouragement thereafter are greatly appreciated.

She and I have been married for six years and and half three beautiful little boys together (ages 5, 2 and 9 months). She was diagnosed Bipolar 2 about a month ago.  There have been three affairs on her part over the last four years. One of the people has been in the picture twice (he’s married with three kids of his own as well; not sure if he is Bipolar or just a writhing piece of crap…or both). The third affair was in the middle of the first two and happened in February of this year.  She went out to meet one of her girlfriends for a drink, and within two hours had met a strange man and given him oral sex in the parking lot of the bar she was at, and within three days of sexting and texting back and forth was ready to leave me and the kids for him. She didn’t even know his last name, or the fact that he too is married with children (I found that tidbit out on my own). 

The reoccurring affair came back in the picture through emailing and sexting, and my wife had planned a trip for them both to spend a weekend in San Antonio, TX on the Riverwalk (a place she and I used to like to vacation to together), but that fell through because his wife became suspicious.  After it fell through, she then came to me with the idea of taking her there. Basically, I was second choice. Again.

Fast forward to the present (don’t want to make this post ten pages long, but I easily could), she is dxd, now on proper meds (formally was only taking antidepressants for depression, which kept her hypomanic more often than not), an antidepressant and lamictal, and she has quit drinking entirely (she is very comorbid,; alcohol was a serious issue for her); 55 days sober.   I certainly see a different person, and one that has shown true remorse for all the damage she has caused me and our sons. She proclaims absolute love, devotion and loyalty to me and our family together and wishes to renew our vows. She has gone so far as to have the Serenity Prayer tattooed on her abdomen (she is a primary care physician, so being a high level professional and going to such an extreme to make a statement was really rather shocking to me, but whatever).  She just seems so “normal” now, that I am not sure if it is real or imagined on both of our parts?

I am prepared to leave her if need be, that much I have been able to reach through weekly therapy. My wife sees a therapist and a pdoc, and wishes therapy to turn into couple counseling asap.  I just don’t know. She has burned me three times in the past without batting an eye. The only way things were ever exposed were by me catching her, so obviously trust now is truly nonexistent, all thanks to her and her impulsiveness and lack of moral character to just say No.  I have read about and met many Bipolar people whom have never cheated on their spouses, mostly using their hypersexuality to enhance their marriages, not to go on rampant ****-sprees whenever their chemical imbalances told them it was the greatest idea in the world.  Sorry if that came out bitter, but I am quite frankly and don’t know if I can believe this is a new person or the same old same old spinning a masterpiece manipulation for her grand finale.

Do I love her? Absolutely without question and I always will. But marriage in my book is conditional and I will not allow infidelity to destroy me or my children.  Can I trust her now that she is sober and medicated and seemingly thinking like the beautiful girl I fell in love with eight years ago? Or am I fooling myself that this will last and (finally) be the marriage I had hoped and dreamed for?  I can handle every other aspect of this darned disease, but adultery is where I draw my final line in the sand.

Posted 5/1/2012 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
I... I honestly do not know what to say. I'm not good at relationships so I just don't have them. Hurting people hurts too much. But that you've stood by your wife through THREE acts of infidelity prior to even knowing she was Bi-polar... my god! See there are a few things which strike me as interesting here and others may feel free to disagree. I am no expert. But you say she is a primary care physician? So she is obviously an accomplished woman. She isn't, like some of us, crippled by her illness to the point where she's been held back. She must have completed college. Worked hard. She has a head on those shoulders. She clearly isn't debilitated too horribly. And she has managed to get married and build a family and keep her indiscretions secret. So neither is she stupid. So though in her mania, hypersexuality may come hugely into play, (that is one of the few symptoms of mania I unfortunately posses, as well, and it is quite obnoxious) that still doesn't give her licence to prowl around and lie and cheat. Secondly, the fact that she not only engaged these men in her mania but carried on with them afterwards to the point where she considered running off with them leads me to think that there is more at work here than just bi-polar 2. Now mental illness is a powerful and painful thing and it can lead to a lot of mistakes, but there is a certain amount of personal accountability that one must face aswell, especially when you 1. Allow others into your life. 2 bring children into the world. 3. lead a professional life. To succeed in some of these areas and then totally disregard the bounds of your marriage implies that maybe, well maybe it's not simply biological or broken brain chemistry... but maybe there is something wrong. Why does she cheat? The easy answer is because she is bi-polar. The solution is some pills and therapy. But how can you trust this, after all pills don't work forever. And it could all be another ruse, couldn't it? Your fears are justifiable. Trust, once lost, is impossible to get back. She has hurt you. But the facts are, you cannot change the past and you cannot guess the future. Nor can you read her mind. You have options. You say "adultery is where I draw my final line in the sand" and that is good! You've been giving her the upper hand for too long and bipolar or not, she has no right to hurt you or your children. You are entitled to stability. So take the cards in your hand and lay out your options. 1. You can ride this out for better or worst, prepare for trouble but hope it doesn't come. Guard your heart and focus on yourself and your sons and those good moments you do have with your wife. Don't hate or begrudge her, just let it all your anger/mistrust bounce off you like you're wearing a shield. If she cheats, either brush it off or walk away. Because you are in control. 2. Leave her. Some people can't steel their hearts and fall prey to bitterness and guilt and sadness. If you are miserable then you could always leave. 3. Take her at her word. Believe she has changed and promote her continued healing. If this new her is truly what makes her happy than you both need to work hard to maintain it. BOTH of you. She needs support. This will be hard because you find it hard to trust her but consider the good times you've had. If it helps consider this not as an investment in your future together but as helping an old friend, the mother of your children. Do what you can to encourage her, to keep her on her medication and help her journal (hell, journal together) If you want to make it work and if you want to build up trust again, make yourself indispensable. Become a partner in this change of life. Change your diets. Start meditating. Build a room in your house for the two of you to escape to full of candles and nice smells and soft cushions to relax, do yoga and fool around in. Promote healing. Her healing. Your emotional healing. The healing of your relationship. Do all you can do and if it doesn't work out... you did everything you could.
It's your choice what you do, doll. It's a terrible situation. I may get some backlash for my lack of tact. Sorry if what I say seems harsh. I just call'em the way I sees'em. Good luck to you and your family.
Posted 5/1/2012 7:10 PM (GMT 0)
 

   I had many affairs on my wife before i discovered that I was the problem. It took the right medications  and therpay for me to get back to "normal".  Once there i was able to see where the problem really was. From that point on i never cheated again. But i completely "owned" my problem. If she wont own it, it will own her, period!!!!

   You will also need therpay for you also to get help for the hurt she has caused you. It may be that you cant save the marriage (i couldnt in the end) but i was able to salvage a friendship with my ex. In the end it is alot of stuff to deal with, and you will have to make the best decisions you can for you and your family.

   In the end it wasnt your wifes fault she became BP. We didnt use a drug, or have unprotected sex and get BP. We were born with this and it does sneak up on you over the years. But once we find "normal" it is our responsibilty to work as hard as we can to not hurt others around us. 

  Good luck, and keep posting.

   Bill

Posted 5/1/2012 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both so much for your responses, and to IMISSUCAT..wow. Thank you so much, dear. You are so right on all accounts. She is a very accomplished woman and borders literally on genius level of IQ, but is still plagued by the bipolar boredom which prevents her from sustaining any six figure position for more than a year at a time. Luckily (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), she has new employers knocking down her door with better offers than the previous. It is quite amazing and frustrating at the same time.

She has owned up to her indiscretions (or emotional nuclear disasters as I refer to them), and appears to be working toward a solution, but I just don't see enough of the passion for understanding and owning her illness as I think I should. Medically, she can diagnose and tell you about any illness there is, but yet only possesses novice knowledge of her own illness. It is disheartening.

As far as the affairs, dear Jesus the pain she has caused me is indescribable. And our little boys, unbelievable. I just don't understand how anyone could be so selfish. It just seems....evil. :(
Posted 5/2/2012 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
 

  If you can, try not to think about what your wife did as evil. Honestly many of us dont have a choice when we are in the grip of BP. here is two ways i try and explain it.

   You have two of most things on your body, with the exception of heart and brain being the big guys. Many people will get a pain in the knee. They live with a bit and then decide that "hey, one knee hurts, the other doesnt, maybe i should go see the doctor" But with your brain you only have one. If its on the fritz there isnt another brain to compare it too. Many people who have heart attacks also deny that they are having problems, and they end up dying it because of  that. When your brain is on the fritz it doesnt happen overnight. I didnt wake up one morning and suddenly i was BP, it took years of slow changes to make me into the monster i was.

  The other thing is that unless you have dealt with it personnaly, then you can never understand it. Im not saying that as a excuse, here is what i mean. Im a man. I can read books on pregenancy, talk to a thousand pregant women, really try to understand what its like to be pregant. In the end i will never truely understand it in any real way. Because i have never gone thru it and never can.

   Just like you cant appreciate a broken bone unless you have broken one yourself, its kinda the same with BP. What i had were compultions and they were hell. If you have never had one, you dont know how hard saying no is. Its almost easier to cut off a limb then to say no to a compultion.

   In the end we arnt good or evil. We are exactly the way god made us. Yes she caused you vast amounts of pain, im sorry about that. But she isnt evil, she is a person with a severe mental health issue. We here have all suffered and caused suffering thru BP. But in four years here i have never met a "evil" BP person. Out of control, Yes. But not evil.

   You have alot on your plate, im not trying to preach to you. Im just trying to help you understand a bit of what its like living with this. And FYI, since my treatment four years ago, i havnt cheated again. We can and do get better with the right help.

  Bill 

Posted 5/2/2012 4:37 AM (GMT 0)
I have to say you sound centered, grounded. You are approaching this situation from a good state of mind. That is excruciatingly difficult when it hurts so much!

No one can predict the future, but if she stays in treatment there is hope of regaining mutual trust.


+1 here for another "bipolar" that has never cheated and uses hypomania to improve relationship. :D
Posted 5/2/2012 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Bill, I appreciate your insights. Unfortunately, as one of the "Normals", if that is what I am, my world is centered in family, fidelity, truth and honesty, and there just isn't any room for anything else especially since we have children that will be negatively impacted and doomed to repeat the cycles of self destruction if they are subjected to this throughout their lives. I appreciate and understand the fact of compulsion, as I have dealt with, faced and overcome my own addictions throughout my lifetime, and in the end always knew it was a matter of choice. As a former smoker, for instance, if I had ever been told point blank that if I picked up one more cigarette I would die on the spot, or that the smoke would instantly doom my marriage and my children's future, guess how far that complusion would have taken me? I would rather have jumped off a bridge than to satisfy my "need" for instant gratification, had that been the true circumstance.

I simply feel such a massive emptiness and anxiety now since all of this came to be. I keep hearing that not being BP I will never understand what it's like. Give me that anyday over this.
Posted 5/3/2012 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Nah, I think everyone has a little bit of an idea. Like a 7 year old kid. Off the walls on moment, crying the next, worried about things you don't understand. Poor focus and poor impulse control. Well, that is about as close as you'll get. I get along with kids very well. :)
Posted 5/3/2012 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
My husband and I are both Bipolar. He is a recovering drug addict with 23 days clean and I am a recovering alcoholic with 44 days sober.

My husband cheated on me. I was angry and hurt and distrustful...until I began to look at my part in it. When infidelity happens there are always problems before it happens in the marriage. I decided to forgive my husband because addiction is a disease and he was in his disease. Had your wife not been drinking she would not have done that...right? It is extremely common for us Bipolars to use alcohol and drugs to self-medicate. It is devastating for the family and they become sickened as well. May I suggest you try some Alanon meetings? I attend both A.A. And Alanon and my husband attends N.A. Also, the first problem with anyone with an addiction is the denial they have it. I forgave my husband and let it go. For some reason the sex part didn't bother me so much as the hiding and sneaking and lying...but truthfully they are all part of the disease of addiction.

She is trying. It is hard...really hard to get sober. She has a double whammy. Her sobriety depends on a lot of meetings, sponsor, working the steps and getting hones, open-minded and willing. If you could go to open A.A. Meetings that would help you understand the disease of alcoholism. Once I saw my husband really taking the action to change, I began to stop pointing the finger at him and saw what needed changing in me. There is a lot! Lol!

Alanon and A.A. Have saved my life and my husband and I are getting closer every day. It has been a rough road. It ain't easy...but at least your wife is trying. Try not to bring up the past, be self-righteous, dominating, nagging or scolding.mtry to,encourage you and her, forgive, when I make mistakes I just keep trying...I don't give up. I am one big fat ball of imperfection!

The marriage counsellor told my husband and I to get clean and sober and if we did not to not bother waiting our money with her. She told us to go on a date night every weekend where we took turns planning the date, not to argue at all during the week and to go to our meetings. It is working.

I hope the same for you too. Infidelity does not have to be a marriage buster if you are Both willing to grow spiritually and see your parts in it. It is never one person's fault.
Posted 5/3/2012 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
Thnks, RL. No, I agree that the addiction had much to do with it all, but it wasn't all of it and that is the sad part. My wife also has a horrible addiction to male attention, as in, if they tell her how hot and desireable she is, I am in trouble right now of her acting out however they want her to. She was physically abused as a child by her father who was a very angry and violent man (he's dead now, thank Jesus), but she grew up battered and never good enough in his eyes, so as you can imagine, she suffers from that type of attention seeking/love addiction as well as alcoholism and bipolar disorder. Although yes, she cheated when she was drunk, she has alos cheated when very sober because she carried on a work related affair for months on end, and she used her work outlets (email, phone, etc.) to communicate with her affair partners to keep me off the trail. I'm sorry, mania or no mania, that type of behavior shows no moral fiber nor character in a person, and certainly complete disregard for me and the kids.

Look, I am not going to sit here and say i have always been an angel, because anyone in their right minds would know better. But, i can say that I have always been loving, faithful, emotionally available and willing (pleading), a good father, a good provider, (from her mouth, not mine) an excellent lover, blah, blah....the problem here is I am no longer new nor am I a novelty plaything. I am stability. I am responsible. I come with expectations and accountability, so i guess that just makes me no fun at all. Christ I feel like I have been dealing with a spoiled teenager that is boy crazy, not a 30 year old mother of three with a medical degree.

Believe me when I say I want to believe in her sooooooo darned badly it hurts everyday. It's been three months since the discovery of everything and i still cry daily when I am alone and thinking of her. i miss the girl that I thought existed. If only she wold've been forthcoming years ago with information such as, "Hey, since I was 14 years old, I have NEVER been single and NEVER been faithful"!, I would have had a very solid sense of what i was diving into. Instead, I was led to believe in true love, and fidelity and the power of marriage vows. What crap. I fatehred three kids with her, all five and under, and I am 40 years old. I have locked myself into an eternal nightmare for life i fear. How could I not assume and belive in my heart that this grand turnaround is no different han any other time she has been caught with her hand in the cookie jar and her panties on the floor? She is the absolute grand master of manipulation and has been since the day I met her; sadly it is only now that those stark realities have hit me in the face.

Love me? Is that even possible from a person that thinks nothing of of doing all that she has done? Disease or no disease, the selfishness and lack of any moral compass is amazing. Just hearing myself speak of her in these ways breaks my heart, but that is what the truth can do, i guess.
Posted 5/3/2012 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
There is a wonderful forum called 'soberecovery' and they have a friends and family of alcoholics section. It is very supportive and the folks there can support you as well. It is very active. It is difficult. Both my husband and son are addicts...my son would not seek help and he got into a lot of trouble and went back across the country. He is gone and it was devastating.

All I was saying is that we as caretakers have to learn that we have no control over other people, places or things. All we can really do is try to focus on ourselves and do what is good for us. Sometimes I have been so wrapped up in caring for the sick one that I have lost myself. Every day I have to remember that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. Then I do something nice for me...maybe a meditation, a fishing trip, a massage...I focus on me and not them...then I allow my Higher Being to take all the problems over while guiding me throughout my day. This is Alanon...Alanon is for us and about us...not them! It has saved my sanity...because living with active addiction, bipolar....and yes....both my husband and I were also abused as children and I was as an adult. It is a common past in alcoholics and bipolars. But again....today stop saying she this and she that...and start getting your life back. Start saying I and me. Remember, you have a right to your happiness. How or what can you do today for YOU only? Start building a support system. Calling helps too!

I am not giving advice....just making suggestions that were passed down to me...just enjoy today...when I start obsessing I journal, call someone, go to a meeting, turn it over to my higher power, replace the thought with me or I and say the serenity prayer.

If anything I have said in either of my posts irritates you...you qualify for Alanon! That is how I was. Also there are folks in the meetings who have bipolar Lcoholic loved ones...but we don't talk about them because this program is for US!
Posted 5/3/2012 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Please don't think you've irritated me; you haven't at all. I'm venting sadness, confusion and frustration for things I could have and should have seen or known all along and therefore could have walked away before i fell in love and into fatherhood. I'm a recovering alcoholic as well (sober for a few years now thanks to my children and my want to change). I spent a long time in AA, attending meetings, working the steps, etc., and I understand addiction very, very well. It's the reason my wife and I came to be in the first place. I was so sick back then that I thought she was normal. As I recovered and became the person I was meant to be, she spiraled further into the abyss despite her career successes. For me, fatherhood and marraige were the catalyst to a better life. For her it has been the exact opposite and she did all she could throughout the last few years to destroy everything she could. I just don't knwo how she can ever rebuild what she destroyed so completely? Why bother trying?
Posted 5/3/2012 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
Do you still attend A.A meetings? I have a history of relapse...2 1/2 years four times in a row! All because I stopped going to meetings and staying connected! I can relate about marrying another alcoholic...I have married three! At least my third is in recovery and is willing to change. I had to move out for a week because I couldn't take it anymore. The whole month of Feb. I cried. Last week he was in the hospital with a heart attack that turned out to be withdrawals from amphetamines. He has been home for two weeks and I am nuts!

I am doing a 4th step today with my Alanon sponsor. I see all my own shortcomings and I need to get this stuff out! So long I have been blaming, acting as if I was better than, being in self-pity, trying to force outcomes.. Blah, blah, blah. Now after doing the blueprint to recovery I can see my part and it looks like I have a lot of work to do on me. The cool thing is...I stop obsessing on him when I do this work! Living with a bipolar addict or alcoholic is too much for me without outside support.

Btw...remove the she and her from your vocabulary...just for today. And focus on yourself and your needs and goals. What do you enjoy doing? Are you happy in your career or would You like to go back to school? What are your hobbies? Would you like to start up a new hobby today? How is your health? Do you need to go to the dentist or doctor? How about food...what can you eat healthy today...do you like to make salads? How about a new pair of shorts...or do you enjoy washing your car?

Just take care of YOU today. Get a babysitter and go to a movie with friends...without her!
Posted 5/3/2012 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Ah yes...me. lol, Sadly the only real me there is is the Husband, Father and Provider. I'm a gym rat, but the only time I have for that is @ 4am every morning before my 12 hour workday begins (I am an engineer, and yes I HATE what I do. Went to school for the money and stability, when honestly I always wished to be in the medical field myself, but that is now a pipe dream, and will always be. Acceptance.). My wife even made comment that she worries that I have no personal interests. I used to, btu they were destructive, as were my social network of friends that ran decades deep, so they too have been eliminated from my life. I substituted AA meetings in the end for time with my wife and children, as that time in itself is so precious and little each day (a couple hours if best). I have no fears of relapse, however. I lived with my wife's addicitons all along and it made it all more repulsive to me than ever before. I have no wants, needs or desires or compulsions to alcohol. If I did or felt a relapse coming or found myself inadvertently in the middle of one, i would seek immediate help.

So the answer is, yes and no. My "ME", is my family. They are my interest. They are my hobby. The are my love. They are my Life. other than that, everything else is just a filler.
Posted 5/3/2012 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
The tricky thing about relapse is....we can't see it coming. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. At least it is for me.

There are always open doors and options to my life. Even if I feel completely trapped. Sometimes just practicing patience until the right answer comes helps me avoid impulsive decisions...like renting an apt. or meeting with an atty. I did both those things when I moved out. I did not follow through with them because somehow it didn't feel right yet. But at least I saw there were options for me to live in a healthy environment. It was so difficult when my children were young. Raising kids, working a 12 hour job, and dealing with your wife must be totally stressful. I know my husband delved into work as a means of escape from his problems and he worked 12-15 hour days which hurt the marriage because I felt neglected. But workaholism is seldom seen as a problem in our society where ambition and makin the bacon are applauded in men. But it too is an escape. At least that is why my husband did it....because he didn't want to deal with the pain.

It is good you are here, getting it all out! I hope you find all the support you can get at this difficult period. Remember....there are other choices available....when I change my direction and do what is best for me...and my children....doors begin to open. What is good for the goose is good for the gander!

Off to an A.A. Meeting and Alanon mtg. With sponsor afterwards! Make it a great day!
Posted 5/3/2012 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
I've turned down three consecutive promotions because I am no workaholic.  I hate wasting my life making money for a giant corporation. HATE it. But, it is necessary to pay the bills and to ensure that if the day comes that I do leave, that I am able to support myself and my kids.  I envy those that do what they love (and actually were aboe to find something that they did, such as my wife).  I was never so fortunate.  A job is a means to an end for me, nothing more, nothing less.  I'd make an outstanding lottery winner..LOL!

As for the booze, I've lived through too much and seen too much to ever be fooled by it.  I was never an everyday drinker, just a weekend binger that could and would put away a fifth a night and still be coherent enough to make horrible decisions all night long.  No more, never again.

As for my marriage; Lord I hope it works out in our favor.  I'm willing to walk away and lose it all, but I will certianly be lost in the end.  The ending doesn't end well in my favor for who i know I really am if i am finally forced to make that choice. That's alright I guess; I wont be betrayed again.

Posted 5/4/2012 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah...I was just a beer binger...never drank liquor...and I know what you mean about judgement impaired awful decisions! I still make those even though I am in the program of A.A. And Alanon! But I am looking at my motives today and what is the real reason behind some of my actions. Is it to entice someone else to do what I think they should do, to try and control an outcome, to make someone like me, to people please...? I am also asking myself repeatedly...is this decision good for ME? My sponsor has drilled this into my head!

I wonder if you could go to med school at night? Or get a part time job in engineering and go to school part-time? Perhaps downsize your home and expenses. I think happiness in career is so important. My husband also works a corporate soulless job that he does not like. He thought about changing his career but at 52, he is going to ride it out. If he was in his 30's or 40's I think he would have switched. Even at 49 he almost switched and had even enrolled in nursing school but the corporate job offer came along and he took it out of fear. It has all but destroyed his health.

I heard something interesting today. We don't have to trust people. People are not perfect. Sometimes I don't trust myself because half the time I may not know what to do or I act off of old behaiviors and may not catch it until the next day. But we can trust a Higher Power. There is perfect trust in that. We can accept people...but perhaps trusting people who are all imperfect is asking too much. Kind of interesting perspective, I thought.
Posted 5/4/2012 2:52 AM (GMT 0)
I think you should read up on "Bordeline Personality Disorder" and see if it strikes a chord for you. It is similar to bipolar disorder, but different and it's not entirely uncommon for a person (especially a woman) to have both. I've seen a couple of things you've posted that seem more like bpd than bp.

If you recognise the borderline personality disorder symptoms in your wife, it's time for a chat with her psychiatrist to get his/her professional opinion and/or diagnosis. There's no cure for bpd, but therapy helps A LOT.
Posted 5/4/2012 11:30 AM (GMT 0)
I read a coupl eof Borderline books early on; Walking on Eggshells and I Hate you , Don't Leave Me. Eggshells didn't seem to match up right, but I Hate you Don't Leave Me seemed dead on. I spoke with my therapist about that awhile back and she thought perhaps I was jumping to conclusions too early because of the fact that alcoholism can manifest itself to look very similar to BPD. My wife also found the Eggshell book and really got upset...vehemently denying she has any type of personality disorder...but I am still highly suspect of it.

I thought about this little tidbit yesterday: We've been together nearly a decade. She is a shopaholic through and through (no surprise). OUt of all of her sprees, which are usually every other day or two, I can remember once or twice in all the years that she bought anything at all for me. I mean anything. Always her and the boys, but never, ever me. I only just realized that last night as I looked at all the bags of crap from the mall piled up on the bed since she got off work early yesterday and had to 'look" at the mall for something. I swear, I can't believe the level of neglect I have been subjected to that is just beginning to hit me.

But still, she seems so much different in many ways for the last month or so now since quitting drinking (55 days so far) and being on a mood stabilzer (4th week). I just don't know what to think. My heart as always gives itself over to her, but my mind tells me to run like Hell before she does this all over again. God this sucks. I get that you can't trust people, but not even your own wife????? Jesus, what's the effin' point if you cannot evben trust the one person you've sworn yourself to? She tells me she has finally found happiness....something I have heard many times before. She says she truly has chosen me....wasn't that what you said you did at our wedding ceremony years ago???? What changed now???? A pill and abstinence from alcohol now makes you truly in love, honest, open, remorseful, ready willing and capable of being faithful for the rest of your life to "Just one man"?! really?
Posted 5/6/2012 10:39 PM (GMT 0)
I think perhaps you are being driven deeper into despair by this. Thinking about it all the time. Obsessing over it. And on top of that you have to take care of you wife, who you distrust and struggle not to loathe, and your children. You sound like you are feeling pressure all around you. You're being pushed up against a wall. Cornered. You need to get out of this mindset before you do something stupid yourself. Which is hard when you have the whole weight of the world on your hands but you need to take care of yourself too or you are no use to anyone and not just physically but emotionally. Spiritually even. Being a gym rat is good. You need some you time. Demand it. Take interest in something outside that will take your mind off all the crap. Like men have been doing since the dawn of the Wife, take up a craft and find your escape. Take the boys. Build a shed. Learn to carve totem poles. Meditate. Build model cars. Build real cars. Join a hobby group. Do something because I worry about you. Stranger though you may be. Consider how much more pain your family will be subjected to if you are unhappy, angry, mistrustful, and stressed all the time. And if your wife is the man-addicted, people pleaser you say than BP isn't so much the problem here. Her personality is what it is, out of disease or from past pain she is who she is. You chose her. You can stick by her through better or worse or not. But my best advice is to focus on your children and yourself and put the former's best interest first in all matters because once a child is brought into this world they need a champion. You are theirs. Don't focus on WHAT SHE DID TO YOU like it is a death sentence or as if it defines your entire life together. Your life doesn't end here. Nor does hers or the kids. Life goes on and it will go on and on. Decisions will be made. Mistakes too. That is life. Your story is as old as time. Keep your head clear, keep your body strong, and do what you can do because that is all you can do.
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