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Haven't bemoaned my fate in awhile...

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Posted 5/21/2012 12:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hello friends,
I've been lurking in the shadows, posting little. But here I am. Still going. Better than I was? I've found a combination of medication that works for me (for the moment) Ativan, Topamax, and Lexapro. I've been on the latter for over a month. The first thirty days I was on 10MG and it was rocky at first. Towards the end I started to feel the same way I always feel on an antidepressant. A cold inhuman shell, androgynous and empty. But, except for the dull throb of depression, I didn't go absolutely mad for two weeks as I have every month for the last 4!!!!!! So it was a success... I guess. To offset the numb desire for oblivion and hopefully kick myself into clean-the-house-take-a-shower mode I asked the psychiatrist, or rather the nurse because my appointment was cancelled again, to raise my Lexapro to 20MG. Now I feel like I have bugs under my skin and twitch as if in constant rhythm to an unheard tune. But that is the joys of antidepressants.
However that isn't what I want to talk about. If I can hang on to this feeling long enough to type out this next part, difficult as I no longer have feelings... lets see. Well, thing is, I am desperately lonely. I read all of your posts and think, "How are they even getting boy/girlfriends/married? How do they have families? When I can't even keep a cat?" I mean, I am blessed and cursed to belong to a great clan of people who all live in the same area. And often they invite me over. We have a lot of family events. But I hate being around them. I hate going and sitting in their bought houses with their children and their loved ones. I hate being the spare wheel and not one of them gets that. And ofcourse all my moron friends settled down and started shooting out brats. Everyone has moved on to other people and bigger things. I stay stagnant and alone. I don't even want to get married. I don't even care about a relationship. I'd be happy with a roommate but I can't even acquire one of them. And it's not as if I'm unlikable. I find myself revolting but from what I've gleaned from others I'm quite the thing. So why have I been alone for so long? I feel like I'm screaming for help and people are just walking right by. My mom is alone. Her mom is alone. Her sister is alone. We all have the same madness and I worry the same curse. No matter how much we try to be human, people see something in us that is different. We're alone because no one wants to be infected by us. Maybe I should just get used to it. An eternity alone. Maybe I secretly want it. I don't think I could ever love anyone the way they require anyway. My personality is too fractured. My mood too liquid. My stability... nonexistent. Who could ever love someone like that?
Mope mope mope. Feel sorry for myself. LOL
Posted 5/21/2012 1:05 PM (GMT 0)
Its ok to mope now and again Thats life and sometimes we just need to wallow in some self pity to feel good. LOL LOL LOL

  But looking at your post you say that you dont even want a relationship, so why are you complaining about not having one?  If your happier alone thats fine, but if you want a relationship it involves compromise. You sometimes have to give up things you like to accomidate the other person in your life.

   Its like excersise. Many people cant understand how i get two to fours a day in doing it while working a 70 hour work week. Its not hard, i just make it my priority in my life. It comes before everything else.

   Same with relationships, i love having somone in my life, so i find the ways to work around my desease and live the life i want. Its not allways perfect, but its better then nothing.  

   WE are the product of our enviroments, i grew up in a non drinking household and guess what, i dont drink. It looks like your family has shown you the same thing only with not having somone in their lives. If you want to break out of that mold its going to require some work. But you can and being with a person you love and care about is great.

   Good luck.

 BIll

Posted 5/21/2012 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
You know, I'llmissyoucat, there's really nothing wrong with being alone, and it certainly doesn't cause insanity. Some people are made for marriage; others are not. Some people are dependent on friendships; others are not. None of them necessarily develop into insanity.

My guess is that there was a time in your life when you were very much involved with many people and with lots of social activity. People change, I'll miss youcat, and what was once appealing and charming becomes boring and difficult to bear.

It is important, however, that you give your inner self to spirituality for real freedom--if that's what you're looking for in reality.  I sometimes call it "chicken soup for the soul".

It's important to live and let live. One must learn to have no wish to have power over another, to have no desire to dominate, no desire to control; to live to enjoy the aroma of a daffodil or the beauty of a violet or the smell of the earth after a rain shower--these are gifts of nature that are irreplaceable in everyday life. These are things which help people appreciate their indivduality.

Loneliness is a state of inner lack and it can be replaced only by things that are permanent. You'll find that in things unseen, in faith, spiritual awareness and search for God.

Devote yourself to some serious reading about various religions and principles in each of them. Ultimately, you will see that each
one has some concept of independence of the self and respect for and appreciation of the independence of all other humans. Bill relies on Buddism; many have other beliefs that sustain them and give them inner peace.

Take care; keep working on your inner child.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 5/21/2012 8:54:35 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/21/2012 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
Some of my loneliest periods were being married and living with my spouse under the same roof. Happiness is indeed an inside job. Relationships are very difficult for me. I still do not know how to love unconditionally. Sometimes I can but usually I am trying to inflict my will, opinion, control over the other person. This can be insidious such as manipulation tactics that are so ingrained in me that I don't even know I am doing it! So for me, not running away from a relationship, staying with it and working it out is a new behavior. I am finding that it helps me to stay in the moment. I make better decisions that way.

How I have wished to be alone and single with no children at times! The unencumbrance of it all. I desperately wanted to become a Buddhist nun in February and live in the forest with the bhikkunis in Sonoma County...but I was married! I have made choices and they are life long choices and these relationships can be very trying. You have freedom!

When I am lonely I force myself to call someone or I write or make art. Sometimes I hike alone in the canyon. I took a medicinal hiking class and met people that way. Everyone suffers from loneliness. It is human. When I am invited to something, I have to force myself to go but I always have a good time. Especially if I am sitting on the pity pot...if I help someone else who is worse off than me, I feel better because I get out of my own self-centeredness.

I do not like pets either. There is nothing wrong with that. I also fail with plants. So what? We all have different gifts, likes and dislikes and none of them is right or wrong.

I find that being aware of the moment I am in, no matter what I am doing, makes it more enjoyable. Also, nature is a great place to be. The small things give me joy...forget about writing the great American novel...go stare at a weed for an hour...you will be amazed at what comes to you.

These are just things I do when I feel lonely. My spiritual connection is the most important thing in my life. It supercedes all relationships, job, activities...it is the All and the Everything that keeps me somewhat stable and wanting to live. Know that you're loved and you are never truly alone. We all have unseen spirit guides and angels...you have US here...you could even join a writing group or try a new hobby. I have a friend that is learning to play the mandolin. I don't have any friends outside of A.A. and Alanon. I just have not been able to meet people either but I have gotten fast friends in the meetings. I am sort of friends with one of my neighbors.

You could always fall in love with another bipolar person! That is what I did. But if you do...it's quite a jumbly log ride down a twisting river. However, no one quite understands me like another bipolar...we also are able to offer each other much compassion because we are empathetic and extremely sensitive to each others moods. He is also an artist and is funny. He is also quite irritating and I hack off at him. We are constantly breaking up and working it out. We are always trying to stay sober, getting drunk and screwing up, going off and on meds, getting clean and sober, marriage counselling, doing art, trying to be parents of kids that come in and out of our lives, learning what we can and can not handle...I.e. pets! Our mantra is," Let's pull it back together." And we do, and all goes well until the wheels fall off the track again! But that is just how it is. It ain't pretty, sometimes messy, but I learn more about myself through relationships than when I am alone. But it sucks too to have someone else point out your character flaws and then have to look at yourself and try to change. But I am open to change. I guess. Am I really or am I parrotting? Hmmmmmm.

Post Edited (red lightening) : 5/21/2012 10:16:11 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/21/2012 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
 

   Red Lightening. You need to share pictures of your canyon hikes. Im expremely jelous. LOL LOL I want pics.

   But you are right, no one understands us like we do. I am also dating someone with many of the same problems. Funny thing is i know where she is and how she feels. Im further along on my spiritual journely then her, but i enjoy helping her find and explore new concepts in life.

   Others might say that dating somone with my kind of problems is wrong, and they may be right. But in the two months i have been with her i have been very calm and happy. Whos to say what right and wrong.

  Bill 

Posted 5/22/2012 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
Mmm.... see your future partner will never get bored. ;) Think of the good aspects of bipolar disorder.

How do I do it? My fiance is my rock - he takes care of my plants, my son, my rabbits, and even does a lot with my service dog. Without him.... I think I would have a dead cat. (((hugs)))

Being alone is OK too. You can be a very whole, strong person and live independently!
Posted 5/22/2012 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
But I don't want to be alone!!! And I don't want to be okay with being alone. For awhile I thought, "I'll just accept it and find myself. Be at peace with being with me." However the more layers of flesh I peeled away the more hideous the creature beneath my skin. I do not like me. I don't want to be alone with me. I am incompetent and rely on others to survive. I need someone who will make sure bills are paid on time, food is in the fridge, my car insurance doesn't expire. I can't even do a budget. Frankly, I'm not sure how I've lived this long. I was not made for this tricky human world. I can't stay focused on a hobby. I've no interests or goals. I spend most my waking hours in a fantasy world I've created so that I don't have to endure my lonely existence. Religion, which once like so many of the things listed here was a deep priority has become something I mock inside my head. I'm a completely different person that I once was and it is really sad. I lost my passion for everything. My only hope is to fall in love and that isn't possible because I am incapable of human emotion!!! I just... I just want friends again. A forever friend who never goes away. someone like on tv who you kinda take for granted because they are always around. Someone who doesn't go off and get married before you or move away or get someone knocked up/get knocked up. Someone to share life with. There are so many lonely people out there. Why can't we all just get together and be friends?
Posted 5/22/2012 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
Awww, you're gonna be OK. Why not start by figuring out what qualities you want/need in a mate. Use your lack of emotion to your advantage. And let it inspire you. Picture what the person would be like in person.

I gave myself a (hypomanic) challenge to date 50 men. By being smart about it - and getting lucky - number 26 is my man. <3 <3 I was not looking for a mate. I was trying to prove that there was no man good enough for me and trying to give closure on being single forever.

Friends forever... look for a flawed friend. My bestie was a friend in high school. She has GAD and BPD so we have a lot in common. We don't see each other a whole lot lately because she has 2 kids and lives in my hometowne - about 45 miles away. She's only a phone call away.
Posted 5/22/2012 7:01 AM (GMT 0)
Well, if you mock religion inside, there isn't much hope for you except to get pyschotherapy and "break out of the mold", as Bill says. What you have been describing, in my view, is the narcissistic personality when it suddenly confronts itself.  Psychotherapy can help; you should consider it.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 5/22/2012 2:32:17 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/22/2012 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
I knew a girl who was in your same shoes. This is what she did. She got a bunch of magazines, scissors, a poster and some glue. She cut out pictures of men or women...if you prefer...that exemplified her ideal mate. She cut out captions and words...like practical, strong, love and loyalty. Then she made a collage and looked at it everyday. She found someone within a month. It is a kind of prayer, some people call it magic, but to me prayer and magic are quite the same. It is an appeal to the universe to manifest what you want. I believe we create our own realities. Sometimes consciously and when unaware...unconsciously. So this is a positive action step and might be fun also. It worked for my friend, perhaps it will work for you. It is a drawing of your wants from the universal stream of thought, action and eventual manifestation. Another way to go about the lonliness thing...is to simply turn your life and will over to the Care of the Universe...be willing to open your mind and see what flows in. Allow whatever happens to simply be...strange doors and people will open to you. This type of theory is more in the lines of Taoism...going with the flow. Because sometimes what we think is best for us, may not be. By allowing your Higher Self to create or drive your will, you may be surprised but more pleased with the outcome.
Posted 5/22/2012 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
I don't intentionally mock religion. I don't hate it. I just can never find a place for myself in any of them so I become jaded and angry. Besides I lack faith in pretty much all aspects of life and faith is often essential to religion. For awhile I was really interested in Buddhism and wanted to learn more but there is nowhere in this crap town to go. I don't stay motivated if I am going solo. And I felt like the books I was reading was empty somehow. I didn't know the people writing them! They could be terrible Buddhists. Eventually I just gave up like I always do.
And thank you guys for the advice on finding a mate. I seem to attract them easy enough, but they tend to be terrible people... stalkers, sex offenders, racist hillbillies. And when I do find one I can like, then I destroy the whole thing with paranoia and neglect. I even tried dating women because I thought my man fear was what was making me willfully annihilate every possibility of love but nope, screwed her over too. She remains my dearest friend but lives too far away to visit much anymore. I would honestly just be happy with a roommate. I need to marry someone who simply exists to fill space in my home and balance the budget.
Posted 5/22/2012 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
You're very quiet about seeking psychotherapy. I am a sensitive person and I feel your pain, but I can't understand why you would not try to make things better for yourself by seeking intellectual guidance from one who has the education to enlighten you about your personality and your real needs.

It seems to me that therapy is the route to go to change your thinking. Life is what it is. Goodness is there for the taking, but to be honest, it has to be shared to be enduring and meaningful.

Sorry about your situation and hope you try to find relief in psychotherapy.

It's Genetic
Posted 5/22/2012 9:43 PM (GMT 0)
 

  Therpay is a big help, at least it helped me greatly.

  Acceptance is also a huge thing for me, life may not be exactly as i want it right now, but that doesnt mean i shouldnt enjoy what i have and enjoy today for what it has to offer.

  You list a number of things that you feel are wrong with you. Why not make a list, then try and work on just one thing on that list. Paying bills on time was a bear for me also. Now i use a white board on the refrigerator and write down when each bill is due. ANd i make sure no matter how distracted i am i pay that bill on that day. After a few months of this i notice it has become a positive routine, which is good.  

  I still see alot of self loathing in there. I am of the belief that in order to love others you must first love yourself. Loving yourself does not mean you have to get rid of all the things you hate about yourself, you just find ways to either accept them or mitigate them so they dont impact your life so much.

   Buddism is about finding the answers in yourself. Buddist look to all things for answers, but profess no one right answer. You find what works for you and use that to create the harmony you seek. I have read buddist books that i didnt get alot out of, and others i read every day. I also look to the bible, the koran, to anything that has different answers to the questions i am posing. It may not work for me, but it may work for others. WHo am i to judge what is right or wrong for others, my concerns are wholely with my spitiual well being.

   It is often said the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Your journey will also begin with one small step, one small change in who you are into the person you really want to be. Before you know it you will be most of the way there.  Will you be able to change each and every thing you dont like about yourself? Who is to say, maybe yes, maybe no. But to not start the journey at all means you will be stuck in this same spot the rest of your life.

  BIll  

Posted 5/22/2012 9:57 PM (GMT 0)

Illmissucat said...
I need to marry someone who simply exists to fill space in my home and balance the budget.

haha!  :)   Sounds like you started your "list" then?  ;)

Posted 5/22/2012 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe you are here not to seek solutions but merely to "Bemoan" ...to express grief, remorse and dissatisfaction with your life. Some people actually enjoy their sadness. You have been given plenty of suggestions but you seem close-minded to trying anything new. Getting better is an Action word. It is for people who DO it, not just want it.

The definition of insanity is to continue repeating the same thing, while expecting a different result. Btw I met some Buddhist nuns...the real deal...who lived in the forest in Sonoma County...guess where they learned most of there teachings on Buddhism? The Internet. Sometimes our egos, our false intellectual superiority and self-centeredness keep us blocked from finding happiness. I know this is true for me.

It's like this. If you have a drinking problem...try A.A. If you have relationship needs join a dating site or engage in a hobby where you might find a friend, if you have psychological problems...go to therapy. I have to be honest, open minded and willing to take the action to get better. Sitting around bemoaning my fate isn't gonna change it. I have to do the work.
Posted 5/23/2012 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
Wait wait, there is a minor misunderstanding. I'm bemoaning yes. But it's mostly out of sheer unfettered lonliness. And, It's Genetic, my love, I have been in therapy since I was eight. Right now I am in Dialectic Behavioral Therapy for the second time. I don't intentionally hinder my own progress or want to be miserable, it just keeps happening. I do try. I'm just bitter from years and years of trying and having nothing to show for it. My spiritual journey's have all ended in dead ends. My relationships wither and die like a freshly hatched baby bird on the sidewalk. I try to keep it together but then I go mad and destroy the city I built with tornadoes and a little Godzilla
Posted 5/23/2012 7:37 PM (GMT 0)
Well, then, you've got to get rid of the tornadoes and the little Godzilla!

How's your diet? Do you use alcohol at all? Caffeine at all? Chocolate?Remove all of them if you use them, please.

How's your sleep schedule? (Ever have a sleep apnea test to determine if you're getting enough REM sleep?) Do you have any food cravings?

Have you been tested for allergies? (Some of those can really play havoc with your feeling tone.)

When you do that, talk to us again about how you're feeling--even before then, if you would. Everyone here understands the trauma you're going through.

Take care.

It's Genetic
Posted 5/23/2012 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
cat - you have a gift of writing and humor! Your posts usually make me laugh, even though they're about your current misery. I don't have much fro answers or advice right now, but if you write a book I'll buy the first copy!
Posted 5/26/2012 2:56 AM (GMT 0)
I have written a book. Four of them. Publishing is a pain though. I am feeling better. Considering getting a dog but worried that I am making this decision out of desperation instead of a wise mind. I had two cats up until just after I joined this site but I kept thinking all my problems in life revolved around them so on a whim I found them homes and got rid of them. I have whims all the time, trying to change my life for the better. I take a job. Do this. Do that. Then get in above my head. Or in this case, miss my cats! But there is no getting them back. Now I want a dog all of a sudden. But since I don't know why I think I should give it a week or twelve to consider it.

Also Genetic... I have cut out caffeine. Do not smoke or drink. Have been on a gluten free diet for a little over a year now and am still discovering my intolerances. Since I work without the help of a doctor (Not my choice but theirs) it is difficult to know what I am allergic to exactly but I'm figuring it out slowly. I take vitamins and eat a lot of fruits and now seeds and protein.
Posted 5/27/2012 4:06 AM (GMT 0)
Are you willing to share a copy? Email me, OK?

It's Genetic is no longer on HW. I don't want you to feel hurt or ignored when she doesn't respond.
Posted 5/27/2012 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
 

  Hey illiumincat, i hear great things about people publishing books online. Like in download only format. Amazon is doing really good with it and people seem really happy with the ease of it.

  Check it out.

 Bill

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