Depressed, and stressed

Hey guys,

Apologies in advance for the "same old crap on a different day" kind of post.......

Super depressed right now. This is my first week back at work full time, since my injury to both of my hands and believe me, I am thrilled about that! It is wonderful not to be at home day in and day out. I just can't handle that. But, my relationship with bf has hit an all new low. In 6 and 1/2 years I have never felt this upset, sad, hopeless, and broken-hearted.

At this point, I am blaming myself. I have experienced the wrath of his anger and emotional abusive behavior for 6 years now and I have made the conscious decision all along to stay. Even worse, I made the decision to buy a house with him last year. The house is in his name only because a month before we got the house, I took a loan for a car.

I am now at the point (and maybe have been for a longer time now) where I no longer have any love for him. In fact, I don't like the word hate, but with things that he's been doing lately, the thought "I hate you" keeps going over and over and over inside my head. How awful is that? The couples counselling is NOT working to say the very least. I stopped going while I was off with my injury because the emotional stress of the sessions was something I could not handle. Our therapist agreed to see him one one one until I feel better. They have had one session and have booked one more. She is not addressing his behavior in a way that he gets what is happening at all. He blames me.

I am angry almost every single hour of every single day. My resentment for him has taken on a life of it's own and is controlling my entire functioning.

I do not have the financial means to leave. I have too much debt. I did manage to consolidate the one credit card I had ($6000 and those payments will start next month) but I still have to pay an $11000 debt to my Dad (who no longer speaks to me) and another 6 years to pay for the car. It will be about 5 years before I am in any shape to leave. I can't stop thinking about buying lottery tickets.

I also don't have a place I could stay for a year or so to get on my feet. My Mom lives too far away from my job.

This is consuming my every thought of the day. I can no longer stand to be around him. The only peace I get is being at work and even though it's peaceful here and there are people who are nice to me, the depression is rearing its ugly head regardless.

You guys, I have been living with this for years but I cannot explain the difference I feel now. I feel like I have died and am living in hell. There is no joy, no peace and no love. I feel like I have turned into this resentful, hateful, angry person and that there is nothing else there :(

I knew the injury to both of my hands was going to cause problems, but nothing could have prepared me for the cruelty in his lack of caring and non-willingness to help around the house. It has been shocking and utterly devastating.

I cried to my Mom on the phone the other night, telling her how this is all my fault for staying. She said to not be hard on myself for that. She said I am the one who has been trying to fix this problem (when it is not my problem) and I have to give myself credit for that. But a year and a half in couple's counselling is not the answer. He needs to be in anger management and learn how to treat a woman, a partner.

I am overwhelmed.

Thank you IG. I am in individual therapy with another therapist. Unfortunately her and I can talk all we want about how I need to take care of myself but the minute I come home and have to deal with his mean face expressions or even those outbursts of anger, I am right back where I was (if I ever left that place of agony).

I cannot change careers. If anything, this career will be my saving grace when I do leave because it's such good money. It's not a stretch to say if I left the hospital now, I would probably never return, and I worked too hard to get there. Besides all of that, where my Mom lives, there isn't anything for miles and miles. Its' all country farm land. With Mom's cancer, I would love to spend that extra time with her, but she's just too far from work :(

Thank you for these ideas, as they would be great if it were at all possible. And thanks for making me feel valued. You guys only know me through HW and even you know what kind of person I am. I am someone who is happy and positive. This is sucking the life out of me.

I went for a walk tonight with the dog (and him, since I can't walk the dog yet). It was so nice out, good to get some fresh air. It's only 8pm here but I am going to bed early tonight for sure.

Thanks again for your support I needed it.

Hugs,
Mogs

Once I got the courage to leave two former abusive men, doors began to open. Life began to change as soon as I made up my mind that my happiness and well being we're important because this is my life. You will feel so much better when you are not being swallowed up by that black piranha mouth of hatefulness. I became very spiritual...not religious and started allowing and paying attention to my life...to what I wanted and what was important to me. There are options...people will come out of nowhere to help you. If you walk with integrity, stay honest and keep trying to do the best you can....a beautiful new life for you will happen. Trust the universe. This is your life. Hugs to Mogs. We can't change other people, but we can find new people who appreciate and love us and we can love them back. We can only change ourselves.

Thank you all so much for your continued support.

My mind is racing and has been for weeks now with all of this. I can barely breathe at this moment in fact.

I just contacted the local Abused Women's Centre and have an appt with a counselor there so I can try and wrap my mind around leaving this relationship. I am still not 100% sure and I am so scared to make this decision and follow through.

I am so confused and I am hurting so much right now. When he is nice to me, I get so confused about the situation. When he is angry and mean, I am at the point where the thought about leaving is 100% clear.

I'm sorry none of this makes sense.

I may try to speak with a lawyer about the common law thing. I've read up on the legislation, but there could be some grey areas for normal common law separation. Of course if he were abusing me physically, I would have more rights but emotional abuse is not covered criminally.

I looked at bachelor apartments and its doable rent wise on my own, so don't think I will need a roomate but it will take me some months to save to move out and get a bed.

I guess I have to just give this decision some time and get all my facts straight and that's all I can do for now.

Thank you all again,
Hugs,
Mogs

Oh, Mogs, you're going to be just fine. I am also very happy for you that you're finding your way clear to establish a "freedom home" for yourself. You will have so much fun decorating and having new friends in who are healthy and kind.

It's a lot to look forward to. Try to keep your mind on that when the anger
emerges while you're waiting for the move.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Thanks guys :)
Thank you tortoise~love ya too! I wish I lived closer also, could definitely use that furniture! LOL

I also love the word freedom you guys used. I know that if I get the courage to go through with this, I will feel free.

The depression is so heavy right now. ALL I want to do is sleep. I don't know how I got through work today AT ALL! Really I want to just sleep for like two days.

Thanks Red. The worst part about this is that I recognize what is and has been happening as abuse, but still can't bring myself to leave.

What is a coda class?