Posted 5/23/2012 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
But I also have PTSD. And Disinhibited Attachment Disorder I think... How do I know what decisions I have made in the past were affected by what? I have always known (kind of) about the attachment disorder, and I always just thought that all of my erratic behavior was a product of the anxiety and depression and PTSD, but my therapist recently advised me to be seen by a doctor about bipolar... and the more I read the more it makes sense and it helps to think its not my fault... and that my memory loss, my lack of inhibitions, my mood swings, my seemingly random quick mood swings, unexplainable decisions... and this is just a touch, and none of these things are me. Its also scary because I believe that my getting married to my husband two years ago was one of those decisions. I knew him 3 months before we eloped. Now I want a divorce because I'm not happy... but I decided even before my therapist suggested bipolar, that I didn't want to make any rash decisions until after I felt healthier. There are days where I have no motivation to work, or even get out of bed. I get off work and go straight to bed. I ask my babysitter to keep my son up from nap sometimes just so I can go right to bed when I get home. Other times I will take a long walk (I walk at least 5k each day after work to help with my mental health) just because its the only thing I can push myself to do. Its the only thing I feel in control of. I can be walking along, having a great day and then all of a sudden a text from my mom which is negative will turn it all sour and I'll be weeping uncontrollably for most of the rest of the walk. I can't sleep well at night when I have my "high" times... I have weird racing dreams, it takes forever for me to get to sleep. I have problems expressing my emotions to my husband because he abused me emotionally for a time when it was stressful and due to my PTSD (from a previously sexually and emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship). I have no friends and my husband hardly ever likes to go out (he is controlling and I am normally an active, outgoing, social person). He is trying to change and make things better but I am sick of having a painful lot in life and just want to be in control... and even though he is trying so hard and is wanting to be a better man, father and husband, I just don't want him. His mother is bipolar, so he is familiar with this... It doesn't help that I have always been in love with my best friend since 4th grade and he is such a calming presence for me and everything I want in a man, but just after I left the previous aforementioned abusive man, I had what I think to be a manic period (sexual promiscuity, drug and substance abuse, I don't remember very much of that time...), and I had a chance to be with him and ran away. It was less than 3 months after the breakup. I moved from one relationship directly to another and then moved directly to my now husband. I just don't have that chemistry I have always had with the one. But I have hurt him so often... and moved to be with guys I don't know (the attachment disorder, I'm afraid I'll lose him, I've lost 6 people I've been close who have died, and had 4 moves before i graduated high school, and had 6 school transfers)... I've always had the mentality that good things never last with me so I run in fear. Mixed with the bipolar is a dangerous cocktail. I am so scared and I know I am bipolar, it all just fits too well. I guess I'm just wanting some advice, besides wait til I get steadied on some meds, I know that much already...