Update

Hey all,

So, thanks again for all of the support.

I took off this weekend to spend it with my Mom (and sister & step dad). I got here yesterday and stayed the night.

Last night I was missing bf a bit at bedtime, but I also keep thinking about the state of the house yesterday when I left. There were dirty dishes on the counter, the laundry room a disaster as usual and the rest of the house a nightmare as well. So that has kept me feeling "I can't wait to get out"! I am soooooo looking forward to being able to live in a totally clean and tidy environment. It is one of my biggest stressors for my symptoms. Things have to be clean and tidy or I start to freak out!!

I had a great appt this past week with the abuse counsellor. It was a 90 minute intake so we went over a lot. I will see this person every 3 weeks for 8 sessions. After that, there are two support groups for abused women that are 12 weeks each. So, I will be in this type of therapy a long time to come, which is going to be so helpful.

I will also during that time be seeing another therapist who I've seen for awhile now.

I am trying to work through my emotions; the ones that bring guilt that he doesn't know I want to leave...that I am going to devastate him etc. Also the feelings that I will be sad and lonely, and of course the fear of starting over (money etc). The counsellor the other night told me about a term they use for these emotions about feeling guilty or worried about him. She said when abused women constantly worry about their abusive partner or put them ahead of them first it's called "misplaced compassion". It comes from the emotional abuse and control they have over you. We put them first because if we don't we deal with the consequences. So the term has kind of been useful for me. Each time I am thinking of his needs before mine I am saying to myself "No! It's misplaced compassion!" LOL I like it!!

My friend at work is a great support and my other friend at work (I think I said this before) has offered to loan me money for first and last months rent.

At the session the other night we went over a lot but looking forward to the next session (not this week, but the week after). I know that support is going to keep me strong.

Thank you all, will post more this week while at work. I have to make use of my time at home when he is not home to start going through my things.

Many hugs,

Oh, and symptom-wise...Depressed, big surprise eh? :( The panic attacks have been a bit better though.
M.

I heard this song yesterday and wanted to share it with you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANKWwI0ONGc

Your posts made me smile guys, thanks :)

Yes, Bill, I would make you leave as well, LOL! Joking :)

Thanks for the link tortoise, it is a good theme song for me! Its playing right now as I write this. Maybe I will make this the first song I play in my new place! LOL

You guys really have my back and I can't tell you how much that means to me. I really believe in my heart, that my family, my friends, co-workers, professional supports and each of you are ALL going to get me through this. I am truly truly blessed to have so much support!

When I got home from my family time this morning, the house was in the same messed up place it was when I left yesterday morning. Ugh. I spent 3 hours cleaning it all...my right hand is KILLING me. The minute I walked through the door and saw the mess, the anger came back and I was so focused on my future without serving as a maid that eventually I was humming and smiling while I was cleaning. I am so mad that he has all this control and doesn't have to lift a finger, I am so done.

My hand hurts so much :( But at least the house is clean and I can start the stuff I need to start.

One step at a time. One foot in front of the other.

And you're right Bill, it will get easier with each day, week, month.

Caren~LOL~we will see how long it takes me before my "I don't want anything to do with men" attitude fades away....

Hugs
M.

Thanks Tortoise :) & Thank you Kate, you words give me strength.

So the last 48 hours has been h***. I have had many moments/hours where I feel like I can't go through with it, but for two weeks, I always bounced back to the strength that it is the right decision and that with all the support around me, I can do it.

I don't know why, but for the last two days, I have not been able to find that strength. I am overwhelmed and confused. I am struggling to find that part of me that looks forward to a new life with peace and cleanliness.

I am deeply, deeply depressed. In fact, I couldn't even get out of bed yesterday to go to work. I am back at work today but the mood has not changed. I even worked out yesterday trying to get a lift in my spirits, and it didn't work.

:(
M.