Posted 7/25/2012 8:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi! Thanks for looking at this thread! I'm sorry it is so long. I am so sad that I don't know what to do.
My daughter is 19, bipolar, pregnant, and recently to moved to her boyfriend's family's house.
She left in a rage a few weeks ago. I admit that I didn't handle things well when she first told me of the pregnancy. She was in a frame of mind like "Now, you have to accept my boyfriend!" (he is bad news) "I'm 19 and there is nothing you can do about it." "Now, I can move in with my boyfriend's family." She laughed in my face, repeatedly, because she knew she had upset me. If you have ever lived with an aggressive bipolar, you can understand how they don't stop pushing and seem to enjoy your pain that they cause. She says that I think it's all about me and she is so wrong. I am her mother. I love her more than any other person in this world loves her. I am upset, yes but it is because she doesn't see that she is out of control. I want to help her to make the best of this situation and help her to find happiness and learn to deal with being bipolar.
She made fun of my sadness of her getting pregnant at 19 with no job, skills, and in serious need of help with her bipolar disorder. She has been abusive to me and my son for several years (physical, mental) and we have tolerated her out-of-control episodes of breaking things, accusing us of filthy things, screaming and cussing, telling lies about us, etc. We have tried to cover up for her when she was younger because when she came out of her anger mania, she was embarrassed of herself. She is a miserable person and most of the time, it is miserable to be around her. I want her to be happy, at peace, proud of herself, etc. omigosh! It breaks my heart! (Now, I can hardly see to type from crying again! It seems that crying is all I do!) Sometimes, I want to move to another state because she has convinced so many people that her brother and me are horrible people. But, we are not! My son, 1 year younger, has no mental/behavioral issues, has many friends, is very well liked and popular.
Her boyfriend that she breaks up with every other day (with a dysfunctional family of his own) has smoked pot since he was 12 years old (he is 20 now). He started smoking with his dad who died recently of a drug overdose. The boyfriend has done much harder drugs in the past, also. I can't post for certain that he continues to use drugs today. He does have a little job...it's a job with no room to go up and the pay is ok for a single guy living with his parents. This is his 3rd job in the last 14 months.
She doesn't take the bipolar disorder diagnosis seriously. I've read it can get worse during pregnancy. She hardly takes her medicine, which I don't think has ever been prescribed correctly. I have no support other than an occasional brief discussion with my primary care doctor (squeezed in brief discussion during my appt. I am disabled) and one visit, thus far, with a pastor (that knows all parties).
She has convinced the boyfriend's family that my son and me are awful people to the point that they are telling her to not even visit me unless they are with her (for her protection). I'm like, "Are you kidding me? You are the one that hits us, cusses us, breaks our things, etc. We don't treat you like that! What have you told them to make them think these things?"
Before she left here in a rage, she suddenly screamed into the phone to her boyfriend (I was watching her) that her brother had just punched her in the stomach and tripped her. It was an absolute completely, manipulative, made-up lie! Her brother was in his room! She's done these types of things before....just making up stuff and people believe her. Why do they believe her? idk because she is bipolar and they don't realize it or understand it? because people think that surely she wouldn't accuse someone of something like that unless it were true or at least some truth to it. because people like drama and want to believe it? What I do know is it is unfair to everyone, including her. It is so difficult to deal with her alone but she involves all these other people that have no idea of her diagnosis or how to deal with it if they do know. (And of course, there are people that just simply refuse to believe that anyone has a bipolar disorder.) I can't reach her now, at all....just a few texts here and there. These other people that she has fooled are enabling her to continue her destructive path. And honestly, I don't know why her boyfriend even wants to be with her at all as many times as she has treated him horribly. But, he's no angel, either. My guess...I hate to say it...is the sex.
As long as people enable her and believe her, I can't reach her. And I am her mother. I love her the most! (But, I am worn very thin, now...I am very depressed, afraid to go out in public for fear of crying).
I separated from my very abusive ex-husband (then divorced asap) when she was 16 months old. He never showed any interest in custody or visitation, didn't even come to court so I have maintained sole custodianship. I have not been dating or in a relationship since my separation (to spare the children of men being in and out of their lives while I figured out if I wanted to continue a relationship with them). My parents have interfered a lot over the years, though somewhat unintentional, (at times, very intentional) but I've asked repeatedly to please let me be the mother, you are grandparents. They haven't respected me. I've asked, even demanded, for 19 years!
Recently, my pastor, physician, best friend (of over 20 years), and parents advised me to give my daughter some time and let her contact me because at my last effort to contact her, she had cussed me out and accused me of things (as if she was responding to something I had said but I had been sitting in complete silence on the other end of the phone line). She was 'putting on a show' for someone on her end of the line to make them think that I was saying things that I was not. These 'advising' people also said that they would not contact her either and wait for her to contact them and encourage her to contact me.
Soon after I was given this advice from my dad, my dad contacted her, invited her and the boyfriend to church and took them to lunch and had them visit their home. I didn't know until I asked. I feel very betrayed. It was sneaky and done behind my back. My dad said that he did not talk to her about being disappointed with her behavior or how she had treated me. He said that he will continue to contact her and support whatever she decides whether I like it or not. It is very hurtful. He doesn't understand bipolar. I don't think he really believes it. He believes everything, it seems, that my daughter tells him. He has interfered in much worse ways over the years. My mom stands behind him, goes along kind of thing.
My daughter is having a baby! at 19 years old. This is the first baby from my children. She is excluding me from everything. She posts awful things about me online. A few times, she has said that she wanted to talk and work things out but then she says that she doesn't really want to talk, she just wants to know about this or that or pick up something from the house. I haven't seen her since she left here....in a rage....telling lies about my son and me.
I really need to talk to my daughter about some important things that she needs to know, as well as work on our relationship and her bipolar disorder but she will not visit with me without someone from the boyfriend's family present (and that's not happening). I can't trust her to talk to her about some of these important but personal and private things on the phone, email, text because she can't be trusted. I really can't trust her to tell her anything but there is one thing, in particular, that I must discuss with her because I am afraid she might unintentionally/unknowingly put my life at risk. (That probably doesn't make sense but that's all I can say about that.)
I'm lost. I'm depressed. I'm worn out. I've never found her the right help or medications. I'm feeling it's hopeless to try anymore. I'm sad for her. I'm embarrassed. I'm abused. I've been slandered. I think life is full of evil.
Please help me and don't judge me. I'm already a crushed person.
Thank you for reading this.