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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 11/6/2012 8:42 AM (GMT 0)
I really desperately need help ... I have been there and I have done that and NOTHING seems to work. I feel like either I am a curse or a curse about to happen to someone. I have Bipolar, it is a rolercoaster ride to hell and back. Ok, I am not the spending type I am worse. I cant control my emotions, my up's are very high and my downs are very, very low. I attract people of the opposite sex in a wink of the eye, yet it remains at that. I do not cave in to putting words into action, although the effect on others is just devastating. It is like I adopt a different persona when that happens. It started with a few guys and now I am adding to the numbers and it is scary. I even have some ladies on my list and I am MARRIED. I am definately not proud of my behaviour though somehow I loose control. I met this gentleman a while back and we started off a friendship. Yesterday he threatened he is going to dissapear and kill himself. He loves me, yet I will never be able to return the same emotion. people tend to confide in me and I give them that something they have lost, like confidence, feeling special and irreplaceable. Yet somehow they always feel I fill that gap/ that emptiness beside them. What is worse, I once met a guy, we had what I thought was a friendship ( he is also bipolar ) we decided to meet one night at a pub for a few drinks he slipped something in it and I woke up the next morning next to him. I had to threaten him with legal action and going to the police because he raped me. I can't remember much, accept that I had bruises all over and a nasty headache and extreme nausea and light headedness. Not a big drinker. I had sex for the first time in ages last night - with my hubby. I have this sexual phobia and it IS difficult for me. Doesn't make sense now does IT. I exalt this absolute sensual aura, though I lack the physical interaction. that is the case. I feel like **** this morning. Why do I feel this way, guilt ???? *** is happening to me??? I furthermore can change topics / direction of topics so often, I even get lost. My moods are volatile. I am so lost ... I need help. I [self harm]. Been doing that since I was a teenager. I just don't fit anywhere. It is true people like us often dissapear. SCARED. Plse help me. Talk about institutions, well I have a way of convincing people I am better. I am highly intellectual and pass the tests they give with flying colours. I had a very , very bad childhood ... not something I can talk about. There was just so much abuse, lets say life was never really normal for me. I have so many thoughts, yet somehow it is hard for me to write it. O God I wish I can just dissapear. I hate myself so very much. It is like a growing cancer without cure. don't even go to meds, I have been on A-Z. fed up

 

[mod edit: self-injury cannot be discussed healingwell forums.]

Post Edited By Moderator (Chloe43) : 11/6/2012 6:51:19 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/6/2012 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Willow,

You need to learn to be honest and vulnerable with your Dr.s and professional help. Otherwise you will never get the treatment you need. I think you have more than just bipolar disorder going on - and I say this as someone who has more than just bipolar and identify with a lot of what you write.

Please read this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

And this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/

As far as your male friend, call the police for a well-check and to report his suicidal state.
Posted 11/7/2012 3:08 AM (GMT 0)
I have the same problem with men too. It has taken a toll on my marriage and scared it will make it come to an end. I am listening and I hear you. There are others like us and its comforting to know for me to hear others. Good luck to you.
Posted 11/7/2012 10:33 AM (GMT 0)
I have a very high score in OCD ... just do not like the meds given to me ... I also do get panic attacks, bad ones ... special meds for that as well ... pop a few under the toung ... temp sollution. The people close to me are use to this person I do not like to be ... they find it rather entertaining and amusing, yet for me it has become a huge problem. I cant contain it. As for toying with peoples emotions, definately not my intention. I see everything as a conquest and sooner or later I will have you hook, line and sinker. I am an absolute control freak, very organised. I have done allot of legal cases and never lost one ... lets say I have the ability to turn around things to my advantage. Rather lets say I always negotiate. I feel used because of that ability as some people definately do not deserve a second chance ... Though I always have that reputation to protect. Today my heart is racing, gosh for everything I have something to say and to much data, just to much data. Every morning I read every paper I can get my hands on, on the internet, bored easily I guess. I feel incomplete if I do not do that daily routine. Also I never run out of something to discuss due to extended knowledge gained through my habit of acquiring data. I did have an app with my dr's ... more than one dr and yes lets make this more, decrease that, add this, drop that and I just never can get that balance. When I get depressed,I tend to lock myself up and stop eating. The longest period without food 10 days, I only drink water. I never forget and do not forgive. I would rather ignore the person, totally cut them out of my life. I stopped counting the years I have seen my parents last. I have been a victim of violence and crime and that has become my trigger. When I read something of that nature I loose contact with reality. Yes it has been 3 years since, but it did happen and NOTHING makes the cause or effect better. I have also lost a baby prematurely and that made me feel like a failure. Everyday was a living hell. Suicide been there done that, never worked which brings me to the closing, that perhaps I do have a purpose afterall. Luck perhaps have nothing to do with it. As for my marriage ... it is a happy one I think. My husband feels comforted by my diagnosis of BP, he often use it as an excuse. That is just wrong. I can't talk to him like I did before, something in our immediate past changed that ability. I was not responsible for that something, he was. I do try every day, just does not come easy. Why try if it does not totally work, my reason 3 kids and no I do not wish to become yet another statistic.
Posted 11/7/2012 10:43 AM (GMT 0)
Chloe 43, The first doc perhaps, the second one I do not think so. I even took my one friend with me to the doctor, the advise is we need to find the correct combination of meds.
Posted 11/8/2012 10:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Willow,

Bipolar disorder is all about brain chemistry, talking things out with a good therapist, and your attitude/motivation. If you want to heal and put in the effort, you will heal.

Treating your body right is huge! You don't have to get all nuts with wheat grass and celery, but a solid and square diet will help with brain function tremendously. Fresh air and a bit of walking, riding your bike, or general wandering are also very beneficial.

We all have strange and dark thoughts from time to time. But we have the choice to throw them out as rubbish or to at least store them for further pondering. Letting them run us into paranoid and angry frenzies never leads us anywhere good. Our reaction and behavior as a result of these thoughts must be dealt with. Otherwise we find ourselves in the booby hatch once again. Having a good therapist that you feel you can trust with these things and to bounce things off of is integral.

I had some nasty episodes ten years ago. After adopting the attitude that I am not crazy, but chemically imbalanced, I began doing all the things I mentioned above. I also flushed all my meds and never looked back. I am now a healthy creative type who has not had any problems since. I have found that belief and attitude are everything in this. Hope this helps you!

Paintergirl
Posted 11/9/2012 9:25 PM (GMT 0)
 I was you 4 years ago, now i am not. Those feelings are still in me, but while they still exist in me, they no longer control me.

  In a quick nut shell here is what i have done/found/helped.

  Medication. First and for most you need to get back to square one. You cant rebuild a house from the top down, you start with the bottom up. Getting on meds is the first step, it takes away alot of the cravings, and allows you the room to understand what "normal" is.

  Therpay is a must. You need to start the healing/grieving  process. That process is much like the death process. Because you are grieving the death of who you were. That takes time, and time is the one thing many BP people refuse to give it. You must grieve for who you were and learn who the new you will be. THis all takes lots of time.

  I have found buddhism has given me great comfort in my quest. Maybe another religion will work for you.

  Finally i have had to accept that i am very differnt. That i cant have normal relationships like other people. However i have found a great substitute in my dog. Dogs are gifts from god for us.

    In the end it has taken me over 4 years to get to this point. I am completely off meds now, been that way for 2 years. My life feels centered, with all the richness that BP brings. Occasionally i need to fight off a monster or two, but now i know the monster i fight, and knowage is true power in this battle.

  Good luck, feel free to ask more questions.

  Bill

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