What parts of BP arnt so bad to you?

Hi Bill,

I didn't know that the calm feeling is a result of BP.
I have depression and Borderline Personality and I sometimes get a calm feeling even when I have loads of work to complete and I should be feeling overwhelmed. but instead I get a calm feeling for a moment sometime and I can't understand it.
Nevertheless, I agree with you as this calm feeling is really a really nice feeling and it is a positive outcome of BP.

UA

The only true freedom I have from all symptoms is when I am writing about something that I find particularly intellectually stimulating. Whether it is a blog, an email, a letter or an article for the newspaper, when I am drawn into the zone, nothing else exists and there is no confusion, no anger and freedom from all symptoms. This is partly due to the "hyper-focus" that comes with the ADD that I have in addition to BP.

I use to get this from being immersed in painting or drawing, but for some reason, both just make me irritable now. One wrong brush stroke and I am ready to take the painting out into the yard, set it on fire and dance around the flames...lol.

Another wonderful thing that I get from BP is that I am considered eccentric, with a sense of humor that is a bit off beat, as you can see from the statement above.

 

   I also enjoy having the energy to do many things. However it has to be focused and controlled or else i really dont get stuff done i want to.

  Im also considered an encentric, but a fun one to work with and have around. LOL LOL LOL

  Going with the flow and just "being" has made living with this illness alot easier. My only "musts" i have to do in life are go to work, be a good man, after that everything is flexiable.

  BIll 

Depression and isolation had their gifts and costs. Some things are just so clear to me that seem to confuse people. I planned for a career and took action to pursue it while depressed enough to contemplate suicide and burn myself. But the cost...I do not know how to connect, even if I am thinking something that needs to be said I rarely say it in time and too frequently I invalidate anothers emotions when that is the last thing I want to do. But I know that I do these things now. And self harm is bad, mkay?

When the euphoric mania hit I lost much insight. That made its gifts less useful but again I know what I am dealing with now. This mania lasted long enough for me to learn many essential skills and to see that I have had insights into it since I was a child feeling like I could get 'high' if I could only focus correctly. Restraining the Mania made the loss of insight worse. Much worse.

The fact that when the stress gets to a certain peak it RELAXES me like a well built reactor with a negative energy curve. The calm and focused swiftness of thought with the ability to deconstruct, reconstruct and reinterpret at a speed that seems almost dizzying. Having all of my emotion as a storm of passion painted on my flesh while my rational mind works untouched even as my flesh is trembling, it is like having the entirety of my soul painted around me pressing me into a calm center.

As a sufferer of BPD this is wonderful. I feel Whole now even if I can sense so little of my Self. These experiences have helped me to remember that no matter how far I may be stripped down all of that is still there. I can face the consuming Void with a calm that shakes it. Now instead of feeling like Existential Death it sometimes feels like an artifice of the Fear Of Becoming Nothing. I do not know how accurate that is as I have not read enough on this pathology.

The confidence of Mania let me step over chasms that seemed endless and the rewards of these small victories are still with me. LOVE still feels like the memory of love most of the time, at best, but it serves as a guiding star that lets me see so clearly how much I have built on Cruelty.

And the way forward is so obvious...it literally hurts sometimes. Do not expect most people to get that. Being proximate to being loved even by myself still brings pain.

Last few months have been like DBT in fast forward. Without Love and Mania I would have ended up institutionalized after years of clinging to my crumbling Mask of Sanity and denying the downright reptilian or demonic feeling impulses. I've gotten so good at it that I have those impulsive passions frozen in place most of the time as though that thing is in the middle of plunging a knife at someones heart unable to continue with or cease the motion...it never ceases though. You cannot stop it. All you can do is accept it and stop struggling with it then move on.

Bipolar I. I cannot get a diagnosis of BPD in this neighborhood. MH professionals are loath to grant the label and the stigma that comes with it due to employ-ability concerns. The evasions my therapist used were subtle and manipulative, and God help me I am growing VERY fond of such things. I'd like to think that rather than simply enforcing a blanket rule he saw that I am able to deal, is somewhat awkwardly and haltingly.

DBT has been shown to be a benefit to those with Bipolar Disorders as well as those with BPD so I might get the therapy that is most suited to that undiagnosed bugaboo.

Meds are helping but my psyche is still very patchwork and I can actually feel myself shifting from one gear to another on both disorders, thank God for years of mindfulness meditation. I need to learn to drive like a rational human being with three sets of pedals, three transmissions and God knows how many 'after factory' mods under the hood. Just learning not to ride the breaks has been rough but it took that to make the mania tolerable. And using BPD breaks was really REALLY bad.

Everything is better now that I have let the crazy out, I just wish I could stop hurting the people I love. That is my primary concern now. For the moment it looks like things will end up becoming second nature and I can focus mostly on learning to be a good friend.