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New here!! Curious for thoughts on meds and also AA.

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 12/20/2012 4:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

New to this forum. I am 25 and was properly diagnosed with BP two years ago after a years of shifting speculation- depression, anxiety, ADHD etc. The episode that led up to my diagnosis was mixed-It was terrifying, humiliating and nearly took my life. It felt as though my entire personality shattered and reformed around insanity and addiction. I did not know and could not trust myself. It has been a long climb out of that hole but I have found better times.

I am on Lithium as a stabilizer and Buspirone/Propranalol and occasional Xanex to manage anxiety. I am also faithful to therapy leading a healthy lifestyle. I have a job, my own apartment and many positive longstanding relationships. My co-workers and acquaintances have no idea that I struggle with BP. This makes me proud, and it also makes me feel isolated.

I was looking at this forum because I have been struggling lately with a depression that was prompted by a breakup two months ago. I do not take any medications that specifically target depression because lithium has managed most of my significantly disruptive or life threatening symptoms, however I am starting to wonder if I should reconsider. My psychiatrist is at this point leaving it up to me.

I am functioning but have now had 60+ days of insomnia, fatigue, crying, guilt, self loathing and the whole ten tons of depression riding around on my back. I am not suicidal or hopeless and use all the energy I do have to pray and maintain gratitude and perspective. However, I am also getting tired of working so hard to keep my head above water.

Question number one- Everybody feels like crap in December/after a hard breakup. I am not dangerous to myself, and don't want to rush in and medicate what may simply be normal human grief. On the other hand, as a BP person- how long do you put up with feeling like crap before you know it is time to make an adjustment?

Another question I have is about AA meetings and BP. Due to the severity of my substance abuse/overdoses during past elevated moods, my doctor has urged me to attend meetings and I have done so here and there. I absolutely do best with complete abstinence, and when my moods are managed I do not wake up every day struggling with addiction... the raging suicidal drug addict is comfortably asleep underneath the lithium blanket. My manias need AA for sure, but the rest-of-the-time me does not. (I talk as though I am separate from that crazy ***** of yesteryear! Haha, if only.)

With this downturn I have relapsed lately into some (thus far) controlled drinking, which is not good news. I should stop but am confused about my relationship with addiction and where to get support that makes sense.

Any thoughts or experience with either question would be so helpful! Sorry this got long! I am overwhelmed.

Be well : )


:-)

Post Edited (Sunnflower) : 12/19/2012 9:52:27 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/20/2012 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi! I posted this earlier to a similar question, we all go through it:

I know exactly how you feel. I've found that the only thing we can do is find ways to cope. I have been searching with trial and error for something that works, but I hate to say I haven't struck gold yet. I have four sets of episodes: depressive, manic, rage, and "mixed" (which usually leads to complete panic and desperation within a matter of minutes). I have some help to share.

I have made progress for coping with my depressive episodes. I've found that for the depression, the only thing I can do is "bat down the hatches and hold on." That's what I call it when you turn your phone off (not for real just don't take any calls), retreat within yourself, only interacting with others when absolutely necessary. But here's the key - you can't retreat into the bottomless sorrow inside because we know where that leads. So when you do this, you have to FOCUS on loving yourself like you would a scared child. This will sound weird but sometimes taking a warm, dimly lit bath or getting in a jacuzzi helps soothe your mind, and you can FOCUS on just hugging and holding yourself in your mind.

Two more things: 1. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. No one but us. My friends constantly tell me they can't imagine what it's like. And they can't. They don't know the fear, the god-awful loneliness, the dispair. So try to remind yourself that reaching out for help can be a mess. People can't help even though they try, and most of the time (I) end up arguing with them. Reaching in, and learning to find that warm place inside your heart or spirit or mind, that smells like fresh baked cookies and sounds like the ocean and is completely your very own sanctuary and yours alone, is the best way to cope. Since it's like going through a thunderstorm anyway, (fIguratively) let it rain outside and go inside for games and hot cocoa. It may be strange to recommend a bpd to retreat instead of reach out for help, but this works for me.

and 2. REMAIN AWARE THAT THIS FEELING IS CHEMICAL, IT IS CAUSED BY A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE, AND IT IS TEMPORARY! IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER! This is the most critical thought in my existence. It helps me make it through the down times.

For the addiction, do what I did this morning. Get out your Big Book (there's one online if you don't have one) and read "A Vision For You." It talks about the insanity of having a few drinks. But I understand the need to self-medicate, being a recovering addict myself. Just being an alcoholic or addict is hard enough. Add BPD to it and you've got complete emotional and mental disaster. I understand. Remember Step 3. And remember to do as much good that you can during your "good" times, so when the bad hits, it doesn't damage your life. Stay strong.
Posted 12/20/2012 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
As a person with BP, you can't wait out situational anxiety/depression/hypomania. It will only get worse. Yes, you have a legitimate reason for feelings of depression. Yes, normal people recover. You're not normal, you have BP. Get treatment before you start cycling!

Just because you start another med does not mean you are stuck on it for life. Get help with this depression and when you're stable your Dr can help you taper off the medication.

My meds are adjusted A LOT. And I enjoy some decent quality of life. I think those two things go together. :)
Posted 12/22/2012 1:04 PM (GMT 0)
When I wait it out it gets better. :)
Posted 12/25/2012 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Lack of treatment causes progression of bipolar disorder. The more cycles that go by, the more severe (intensity and duration) they become.

Please do not suggest people with bipolar disorder should ignore mood symptoms or refuse treatment for mood symptoms that interfere with their ability to function.
Posted 1/5/2013 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the responses! I ended up finally making a change to my meds. Feeling really spacey but working to just stay positive until I re adjust and hopefully come out feeling better. Good to know I'm not alone.
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