HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

At the end of my tether!

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 2/9/2013 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
This is my first post here, please forgive me if it sounds somewhat self indulgent! However, I am at the end of my tether. My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We have 4 children, one of whom has now moved out on her own.

My wife has Bi-Polar, she has had it since before I met her, and has always manged her condition well. We have had many tough times, but generally for the majority of our marriage we have worked hard against the odds to make things work. My wife has tried all kinds of medication and it seems that she is resistant to all of them. I can't think of one that has really been good for her.

In addition to my wife's Bi-Polar, I suffer from classic depression. This does not affect me all that often and mostly, I am able to function well.

Over the years, I have tried so hard to be supportive of my wife's condition. I have, to my shame however gotten it wrong on many occasions. I say all the wrong things, or do things around the house which I believe will help, but quite often this back fires on me and she gets very upset with me, telling me that if I loved her I would support her needs better than I do. In recent years this has gotten very much worse. During one episode, she will tell me, if only you did this, or said that, it would show you care. Yet on another occasion when I do or say things in harmony with what she has asked that still is not good enough.


Please don't get me wrong, I love my wife with all my heart. Beyond her condition, she is a caring and compassionate individual. Sadly, I am seeing that part of her less and less these days. I know that her condition is killing her, she seems so desperate for so much of the time. Naturally she has a very negative view of the world around her, and that I am sad to say includes me.

I am now exhausted, I feel drained beyond repair! When I am around her, I try to be strong, I try to remind myself that the things she says are just symptomatic of her condition. Yet, I find myself believing that I am the worst kind of selfish, uncaring husband that can possibly exist. If I try to defend myself by reminding her of what I have done to support her, or to explain my motives when things have not gone right, she simply tells me that all I am doing is digging for praise and that I am being selfish by turning the conversation back towards myself.

I don't know how much more of this I can take before I crack myself! I am finding that my lack of ability to cope leaves me retaliating by raising my voice at her, when inside, all I want to do is to take away her pain. Realistically I know I cannot remove her pain, whats worse is that I think I am adding to her pain all the time. I love her, I respect the fact that she fights this monster every day of her life, but I cannot live with being her enemy!

I hope this does not sound like a rant, I just do not know what to do.

Thanks for reading.
Posted 2/10/2013 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
It does not sound like she is "managing it well". In my life, managing it well means that only my closest and dearest would ever suspect I have any psychiatric issues. Even people who know my diagnosis are unlikely to notice anything abnormal.

My abilities are limited, but that doesn't mean that 1) I'm not responsible for myself or that 2) my quality of life is bad.

I've learned how much I can do to help myself. Not just the major changes: divorce, career change, sold my house, cut off toxic relationships, found a stoic and stable man, but countless daily choices which manipulate stimulation to help with stability.

For example, if I feel withdrawn (early sign of depression) I will go shopping to interact with people and for the sensory stimulation. If I'm feeling elevated, I'll cancel my plans or complete them in the least stimulating way possible. I might do a series of tasks in a way that seems out of order, with the result of less anxiety for me.

Over several years, learning to manage symptoms and learning coping techniques, has helped me be on less medication while staying stable. I have been off of mood stabilizers for 8 months. I still see my psych nurse whether or not I have prescribed medications. She always has a plan for me for what to do if/when symptoms return. At the moment she has prescribed a sleep aid (to control the earliest signs of elevated mood) and an anti-anxiety which I take as-needed.

When I was first getting stabilized 3 years ago, I had no idea what normal was (having never experienced it before!). I thought I was treated adequately, but my therapist believed (correctly) that I was still depressed. It has taken many months of stability for me to develop a sense of identity apart from disease and a sense of normal mood and normal patterns of behavior.

One of the turning points in my life was getting the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder". Even though my fiance was not such a willing subject and we didn't do any of the exercises together, I learned a lot about things I can do to manage myself. I think it will help you and your wife.

I hope your wife can get some medical/psychiatric help. It sounds as if her symptoms are not controlled.
Posted 2/18/2013 12:00 AM (GMT 0)
omg this is deff me also.. I am at the end of my rope with him.. this is my 2nd marriage and I didn't know this before we got married but he says he didn't know. His mom, sister, Grandmother and an Aunt is bipolar.. how do you not know that you have an issue that runs rampant in your family... I hope you figure things out~
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply