I can feel the darkness coming again

I can feel the darkness coming again. I hate this I just wanna isolate myself and cry. Why does this keep happening? I must have been a really awful person in a past life or something cuz I know I def dont deserve it in this one. I feel so empty and alone I cant do this again. I just want to be better just for a moment just one moment of normalcy in all the chaos.


I had my first collateral counseling appointment today with my boyfriend. That was def a trigger for this crap!!! So what the hell do I do now. Just give up walk away from him so he can at least be happy and normal?? I really thought i was getting better this time. I dont want to start over again its so hard to get back up.

Post Edited By Moderator (olivia of course) : 2/16/2011 9:51:55 AM (GMT-7)

sometimes you just need to let the emotion heave/ ooze out of you. sometimes i sleep, sometimes i write or talk to people...the important part is you let yourself feel how you need too but don't let it control you.

you're not awful, and you're right you don't deserve this. it's hard, painful, and overwhelming. no one deserves to feel like that. ...and it's normal to crave that normalcy, but you are normal. these feelings and things are a part of you, there's nothing wrong with them; even though i understand how horrible they feel.

i've felt really empty and dead too. you're not alone. people understand and care about you.

you're really strong to go to counseling and try to get healthy. getting healthy is often harder/ feels worse than the actual pain because you're moving through it/ trying to deal with things to get better. hold on. know that some days you'll feel like this, but it's normal. just because you take a step back or feel like that doesn't mean you're not still progressing. plus, it makes the good days that much sweeter.

please, please don't give up on those that care about you. i tried to do that. when i was first diagonsed with being bipolar, i had the exact same reaction. i didn't stop bawling for hours, i thought i was a monster/ something was wrong with me, and to protect others/ make sure they could still be happy i wanted to lock myself away.
i tried to shove people away and isolate myself and then i was surprised when they wouldn't leave no matter what i did.

through the support i got from friends and family, i realized something really important. the people that really care about you _want_ to be there for you. it doesn't make sense to me and might not to you, but have you ever had a friend or someone you've wanted to do anything for or wanted to help even if they were going through a rough time or might in some way seem to inconvience you? in the end, if you have, you might have done something for them because they were important to you. it didn't matter. you wanted to be there like they want to be there for you. ...and it's not horribly draining and taxing when someone wants to do it. besides, both you and they need alone time, but you both know when it's important/ there's a need for support and help because something is happening. you need people right now. don't picture yourself as being selfish or not worth being with someone because that's the furthest thing from the truth. they're here, we're here because we care, choose, and want to be here.

i never understood this from my friend's point of view until i started to help another friend. it's really true. it's okay to rely on others when you need it. that's whay they're for/ part of being in a relationship is all about.

I can feel the darkness sitting on my chest clawing to get its way out. It physically hurts when I have these episodes. All I want to do is curl up and die. I can feel my heart beat and will imagine it just stopping. I have trouble sleeping and sometimes don't sleep at all. When I do sleep, I have nightmares that terrify me. I loose my appetite and the thought of food makes me sick. I have learned to keep all of that at bay and put on a fake smile when I am around people so that they have have no clue what is going on. The moment I get behind closed doors, my facade falls apart and I break. Even while I have a fake smile on my face, I can feel this madness or darkness just waiting to take over. My fiance can tell when this starts and I don't know how to let him help me. I didn't sleep until 7am this morning and then only managed 4 hours of sleep. The only thing that can keep this at bay is painting, but once the darkness has its hold, I can't paint. It is almost as if the darkness is alive and it keeps me from painting. It grabs hold of me and won't let go. What do I do?

I dont have one, nor money for one...

Nobody really knows what those medications do. There are so many side effects that can harm the body and not even help. I don't trust doctors either.

I have actually been on Trazidone, Welbutrin, and depacote before along with another I cannot remember the name for. I had a... really bad reaction. I don't like medication because of what it does to the body.

Do NOT blame yourself for this thing. No one can explain depression, and it's not a choice.

I was once an extravert and loved being out in the world, and one day, boom, I was terrified to go out of my house. Look at your family--is there any history of depression? I found out my grandmother and her sisters suffered from depression, and my parents suffered from anxiety, too.

I've discovered that exercise works wonders, but when you are sinking in depression, exercise is the last thing you want. Just take a walk. Love yourself and know that you are stronger than those awful thoughts that paralyze you. And remember--you are not alone. There are millions of us out here, struggling like you. You are loved, although you may not believe that right now. I am pulling for you.
If you feel your doctor is not helping you, find another one, someone who makes you feel safe. Use those you love as an anchor.

Forgive me for this, but maybe you should put your boyfriend on the back-burner for the time being and work on YOURSELF.

Good luck.

Post Edited (alphatwin) : 4/2/2013 11:55:55 AM (GMT-6)