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I'm so lost.... I am ruining my family and I can't stop

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 4/21/2013 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. Due to my financial situation I was unable to get help. In February of this year I found free help. I have been going to a therapist once every week since February 10th. I also see a psychiatrist who has given me lithium and lamictal. When I started the lithium I was so optimistic that it would work. After taking it for one month the side effects became to much to bear. I was experiencing a terrible tremor that was effecting my ability to drive or write. I told my doctor and she gave my lamictal. I have been on the lamictal for one week. I have no side effects as of yet and I don't feel any different.

Here is the problem I have ever been facing. My husband and I have been together for five years. When we got married in 2011 he started to notice a change in me. We talked and fluffed it off as being stressed with work family and school. My husband one asked me to find a psychiatrist to talk to and to help me find some balance. I went with the only concern being my new found compulsive lying, spending sprees, and disconnection from my family. He diagnosed me with mixed state bi polar disorder. I felt as though I hit a brick wall. I didn't know what to do. I didn't see him again and told my husband that he was of no help. I was in denial. I was so afraid of what was going to happen. Throughout 2012 and early 2013 my behavior became much worse. My lying to my husband and the spending sprees were beginning to take a toll on our marriage. We became for a lack of better words roommates. The behavior and the situation only got worse. In January I began having an affair not a sexual affair an emotional one. I obviously hid this from my husband. I don't know what I was thinking. After about a month my husband found out. I was sure it would be the end of my marriage. I am so afraid for my marriage to end. I love this man more than I ever thought I could love one man. I remembered the diagnosis and decided to act. I found help.

When I went to my doctor she gave my lithium. For one month it changed. My attitude changed. I have put it in my head that I needed to fight for my marriage. So I did. I went to therapy and took my medicine. If felt good for husband to notice the change. We started talking again and saying I love you.

about two weeks ago I stopped taking the lithium as I waited to see my doctor for a medicine change. With in one week, just one freaking week I am facing the end of marriage again. I started a new job which my therapist believes triggered my manic state that week. I began to spend money again. I stopped fight for my marriage. I stopped acting like the woman that my husband married. My husband yesterday found out about the money when looking through the bank statement. When he asked me why I had no explanation what so ever I apologized so much. My husband said that he can't live like this, that he should be able to trust his wife and that we should not be in this situation.

My therapist says it takes time to get this under control. She said I had a relapse when I stopped taking the medication. I know that I can't fix my marriage over night. I know that it will take time, but I fear time is no luxury here. With all that I have put my husband through I don't blame him for what I have been putting our marriage through.

I don't know how to talk to him or make him see how my disorder changes my thought process. He went with me to my first appointment and he heard her say that I do have bipolar disorder. My husband knows that I have it but he doesn't know how to deal with it. I feel like I can't help him because I am fighting my own demons. I don't want my marriage to end but I don't know how to fix it either. My husband decided has been giving to me and my children and without him I don't know what I would if I lost him. He is my strength but I don't feel it's fair that I can't be his or I treat him the way I do.

I want advice. I'm at a loss. I don't want my marriage to teeter on the edge because of my disorder. I don't know how to change my situation. I want to got to marriage counseling where the doctor understands bipolar disorder and how a marriage can survive it, I'm so scared. Help please?
Posted 4/21/2013 3:16 PM (GMT 0)
As a side note. I apologize for the grammatical errors as I am used my phone to write this. So it has been auto correcting every thing.
Posted 4/21/2013 8:38 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Inappropriately Lost,

I just read your post and felt compelled to write to you. I was on this forum 6 months ago for acid reflux. That's how I discovered this website. I, too, just recently had to face the fact that I have bipolar disorder (I was told by a psychiatrist 3 years ago, but like you, lived in denial). I think I must have a milder form of it possibly because it went misdiagnosed most of my life (I am 50 years old now)as anxiety and depression. But after the stress of surgery for my acid reflux and changing jobs, the bipolar symptoms exacerbated until I knew there was something terribly wrong. I, like you, have mixed state rapid cycling mood swings. Luckily, I don't have the compulsion to spend money or have promiscuous sex, in fact, I am a tight -wad and have no sex drive at all, but the illness was literally killing me, I couldn't eat or sleep at all for months and became suicidal.

So this is what I'm telling you... Google "Truehope". I was on Lamictal(which put me in the hospital, it put me into such a manic state) and so many other drugs that had terrible side effects or didn't work. Truehope is a supplement that was made specifically for Bipolar disorder, but works for just about any mental illness. It has been on the news in Canada and if you look at their website and watch the testimonials of the people that have used it, you will see it's not a scam. And I CAN TELL YOU FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THAT IT ISN'T!! I have been on it for 3 weeks now and I'm telling you that the way I feel now is almost completely better! I know it sounds hard to believe, but if you don't believe me, just buy a bottle on line and within 3 days you will notice a huge difference. You have to stay in touch with their support people who will talk to you every day and help you wean off the meds and onto the supplement. IT's not a silver bullet and it takes a little work and time, but the benefits far exceed anything I ever felt on the drugs.

I never write on these blogs, but I don't know why I decided to get on today. I think I feel so grateful that I have to help someone else. I KNOW HOW SCARED YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. PLEASE TRUST WHAT I"M SAYING AND TRY IT FOR JUST A SHORT TIME AND YOU WILL SEE. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, But everything to lose if you don't.

Take Care,

Ruth
Posted 4/22/2013 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lost,

Get a copy of the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" for your husband. Then start working on you.

The future of your relationships depends on your commitment to treatment. Clearly you are not stable enough at this time to consider lower doses of medications!

You need emergency plans in place. You need a support system. You might need your husband to supervise your medications (give them to you each day and observe you taking them).

You need to take steps towards major life changes that will help you stay stable. It took me several years to make these changes and I'm always working to do better. For me, I divorced, sold my house, dropped out of college, moved away from my hometown, started into a stable relationship, ended toxic friednship. For a couple years I was unable to work. I can't have caffeine. I have strict sleep schedule. I have mood charted for years and can now predict how events will affect my mood. I've developed healthy coping skills, grew a support system, have emergency plans.

I enjoy a good quality of life. My symptoms are unnoticeable to all but 1 close friend. My fiance doesn't even notice. I am slowly becoming more able to work more and being able tolerate changes to my schedule. With this dramatic improvement in mood issues, I'm getting ready to start CBT for anxiety and seek answers for my sensory problems. I'm always trying to eat better and stick to an exercise routine. It is my dream to be able to get off of social security disability and become financially independent.

I've come a long way, and I'm thankful for every moment of health. However, I'm always a hop-skip-and-jump away from the next mood episode. I'm not cured, this is a lifelong struggle.

I want to give you hope for the future, and help you understand it is only possible through consistent treatment.
Posted 4/22/2013 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
I was exactly where you are at with spending money and the emotional affair in 2010 and I was already on medication it just was not the right medication. Over the years I have tried many meds but still listen to my doctor and do not make rash decisions and my husband thankfully forgave me. It still is in no way perfect. I am still moody and just found out I have multiple sclerosis so that has added to our stress. I agree with Chloe. Do everything she said, every word. Even if you have to give your husband complete control of the money. I did and he put money on a reloadable Visa until I was stable on my meds, which took two years by the way. Every person is different with meds. Some people need a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant like me. You have to stick with a medicine for months before you can notice a difference. Stick with individual therapy but also marriage counseling and if you are religious find a church. Have an emergency plan for you and your children in case your husband has to hospitalize you. Good luck.
Posted 4/22/2013 1:58 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry to hear of the struggles you're facing in your marriage due to your diagnosis with bipolar disorder. It sound like you and your husband are both traveling a tough road. I think you're on the right track in pursuing marriage counseling. Your husband needs to learn how to cope with this diagnosis just as much as you do!

I work for an organization called Focus on the Family, and the counselors on staff would be happy to discuss your situation with you and refer you to a marriage therapist in your area. If you would like to speak with them, you can find contact information at this link: http://bit.ly/17dEUkm

I'll be praying for you and your husband!
Posted 4/22/2013 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for all of the responses. I am so scared right now. It's hard for me to deal with, and I can only imagine how my husband feels. I'm still afraid that my life is going to have to completely change because of this. I work three jobs and I do it to support my family. I don't know how I could handle having to quit them because they may be adding to the disarray. I know that it takes time. My husband and I think that I have been bipolar for a few years but we didn't know what it was. I fear that because of the past my husband is not wanting to look to the future. I know it sounds bad but my husband is all that I have as support. If I lose him I'm afraid that I won't make it through this. I am taking everyone's advice on this because I don't know to tackle this at all. Again I thank you all.
Posted 4/22/2013 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
You life WILL completely change. You can make decisions and better choices. Or ignore it and lose everything that is dear to you.

Please evaluate everything in your life and start trying to sort out what needs to exit your life immediately to help you become healthy.

Start with quitting caffeine and 1 or 2 of your jobs. JMHO (((hugs)))
Posted 5/8/2013 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
It is hard to accept the diagnosis of mental illness, especially when you feel ok some of the time.  The problem with mood disorders is they strike when you are least able to handle them.  I know for me my mood swings are triggered by stress and unfortunately due to my personality I love to load up my plate it makes my world happy but can also cause stress when things don't go well.  That is why it is important for anyone with this illness to use everything in the available toolkit to keep us balanced.  For me I take my meds, go to individual counseling, group therapy, and maintain a balanced social life.  It took me a long time to accept my diagnosis and a few doctor changes to get to the point where I actually feel like my pre-diagnosis self.  It sounds like you like to shop which can get out of control this could be a trigger for you.  We all need balance in our life bipolar or not but with bipolar people we have to put our mental health first or everything else will fall apart.  I was at a point in my illness where I begged my husband to commit me and leave me so that he could have a happy life....I am so glad that he didn't take me up on my offer and we are happier than we have ever been.  Don't give up...but give in.
Posted 5/28/2013 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Inappropriately Lost

Although I am not married nor facing the ruin of my family, I felt compelled to reply to your previous post.

I am a chemistry graduate and have been living with rapid cycling bipolar 2 for close to 3 years now (I am 22). Due to my financial situation, I cannot afford the recommended treatment options, and have resorted to posting on the internet to strangers.

In my experience I have found that an abrupt change in environment, or any work related stress can trigger a bout of severe depression. For me, this means complete separation from society, excessive drinking and cutting. Clearly this is not healthy, but it was my coping mechanism. I didn't know what it was and got through it in my own way. Until one day, as I was in the emergency room getting some stitches, I had a moment of supreme clarity: I decided that I will not have my life defined by my illness, but that I will define the illness for my life.

I know, it sounds stupid and I am probably too young for such clarity. You cannot medicate or drink or shop bipolar disorder away. It is as much part of you as your skin. I find that losing myself in my work or in my painting distracts me enough to not want to drink or cut. In addition, I keep to a routine in my daily life. I wake up at the same time everyday, go to class at the same time and eat at the same times everyday. I have defined the boundaries of my condition to fit my life. It will not influence my studies or my family, and that is what I need to cope.

Of course, sometimes the depression hits you like a train and no amount of organizing and preparing can stop it from beating the confetti out of you. At times like these I sit down, think about what needs to be done at that given moment, and then complete the tasks at hand. When I am alone later that day, in my car or alone in the lab, I would let it wash over me and swallow me whole. After a while, I realize that I am still here. I am still in control and it is still my life. If I let it take control of my day, I will lose myself. I cannot let that happen. So I make a conscious decision to not close myself off to the world and to face my depression head on. I decide to be depressed and be happy about it (okay, as I type it out it doesn't sound logical, but it makes sense in my head).

I hope that this helps. If someone as young and inexperienced as me can find a way to cope with bipolar 2, I am sure that you will find a way to deal with this and to save your marriage.

Kind regards
@nnick_Bipolar22
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