hey, bipolar fun, not

last night my 16 yo assaulted me - because he didn't like the dinner I made him, of all things. I had to kick him out of home. Feel so hurt that my son would do that to me. I feel like I have lost a child. he had so many better opportunities living with me and he's thrown the life he loved away. I feel like I'm carrying the pain of my loss as well as the pain of his consequences. I feel lost and empty. he has been the epicentre of my world for 17 years and I feel like everything I did to help him has gone to waste. It is time to carry my pain and keep going with all my routines etc. It's a gut wrenching pain.

Thanks Chloe. It will hurt but I'm not being abused daily now and the amount of energy I put into a brain damaged mentally ill child, can now be diverted to other things I love about life.

I still fear for his safety but Child Safety and the police have been helpful in that regard.

His father is being awful. I will assume that is just so as not to shock me, with any new found maturity I imagine.

Sometimes you have to use tough love when you are parenting for both you and your child. He needs to get help but you can't do it for him...this is something that he has to come to grips with. You need to set your boundaries and physical abuse would be top of my list. You have the right to a life and to be happy don't let anyone take that away. There is a book titled Bipolar Survival Guide which is really good at describing the condition. You may also want to read Boundarys (I think that is the title...I loaned it to someone and have not got it back yet) but it talks about setting boundary's. Good luck to you.

Yes, the Boundaries set of books or any book by that name seems to be something that could help me. Not that I've been looking for support or to be told I have done the right thing, I have had a lot of reassurance and it is better than people telling me I have done the wrong thing. It's a not negotiable rule of my house and no one but me sets my house rules, so even if someone didn't agree with it, that would be their problem.
I have just returned from two days of hospitalisation. I was really surprised that I was admitted - still am. The pdoc told me that it wasn't my bipolar or my ptsd, it was just terribly deep pain about the change in a relationship with someone I love so much and someone who I have a great deal of care and responsibility for. I have sunk years of love, blood, sweat and tears into being the best possible parent I could be. I never expected it to go pear shape at such a crucial point in his development (even though I understand now that it is almost inevitable). I don't trust many people but I trusted my son. I didn't expect him to act in that way and it did come as a huge shock. Anyway, the doctor didn't think that it was the bipolar or ptsd that was responsible for the situation at all. He just felt the level of pain created by the change in relationship, after two other losses that week, exhausted my coping mechanisms. The plan now is building up my life a bit more. We are all in agreement that I will have to work on my childhood trauma some more as that is stopping me from being able to sustain relationships. The way I had to be to survive in my family of origin is the antithesis of what is required to sustain a healthy relationship. It took this change in my relationship with my son to shine a light on just how vitally important it is for me to do that now. Your responses have made me feel less alone - and sharing the experiences and wisdom gained in your journeys have helped mine. Thank you for taking that time to respond x

I am feeling very lonely. Had some more really bad news this arvo and an awful visit from mental health. Just copped one of the worst workers. I told him all the answers to his questions are well documented in my chart. One foot in front of the other. Wish the pain would ease up. I should take my medication and go to bed. Enough for one day. Massage tomorrow.