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There's Bipolar and there is Bipolar

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Posted 6/6/2013 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
I thought the problems in my life were due to bipolar. I met someone else in hospital with bipolar and have been awestruck with how good his life is. He has family, friends and even though he's dropped the ball on parenting he's still got his kids.

Even though he's got bipolar, he's otherwise got good physical health and can metabolise medication that improves his condition significantly. He can lead a 'normal' life.

He does have an abusive history. He doesn't have ptsd and every little negative doesn't trigger an overwhelming world of hurt like it does for me.

He's been bought up with good coping skills, not like me who stumbled across these unfamiliar strategies in my late 30's. Better late than never hey.

He's got this personality that draws people to him. People fall over themselves to help him in any way they can. Me? I just repel people. I don't get the sense that people enjoy helping me, or is it just because I'm deeply depressed atm?

His goals and values are a mess. Mine are so clearly formulated and I harness everything in my life to achieving realistic goals. My outcomes are very hit and miss and I seem to have far more obstacles and dramas than the average person. Everything he wants and needs falls in his lap without effort.

I have far more mental health coping skills and abilities given that I have been doing it so long. There has been a lot that I have been able to help him with, but there is nothing he can reciprocate because he is just at the start of his management journey. It might be just because I am depressed I feel this way.

I do everything right to cope with my illness. He drinks and smokes and drinks 12 cups of coffee a day, doesn't eat well, doesn't exercise, wouldn't know what meditation and mindfulness is, but he is so much more well than I am.

I'm glad things aren't so bad for him, but seeing how good his life is has blown open my concept that my life is crap because of bipolar, now I've seen someone with bipolar still have it all.

I find it hard not to personalise it and feel unworthy. I feel like that because my life is crap so often despite all my best efforts, there is something innately wrong with me, instead of just accepting that life is unfair, and bad things happen to a lot of good people.

I have got to the stage where I want to distance from my friend because the healthiness in his life despite his poor decisions triggers me too much. It hurts not to have friends, family and the child that I have dedicated the past 17 years of my life to, in my life... and the hatred that is coming from him, is overwhelming, it takes my breath away (my son that is).

I am aware I am unstable atm, but no matter how much I battle my cognitive distortions that come from the depression, I can't seem to overcome the deep pain I am feeling right now. I know it will pass.
Posted 6/7/2013 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
 

  I will say, that there are as many different answers for dealing with this as there are stars in the sky. Probally even more then that. LOL LOL

  I still use caffene, not on any meds, and practice mindfullness (buddhist). But those things work for me, they may not work for you. However people look at you and say "yuo are not following the correct path, so therefore you must be failing" instead of looking at the results. My ex does this anytime i disagree with her (then im BP) instead of looking at how far i have come, she instead looks at the fact that i am not in treatment at this time.

  But to many people expect relief to come in a pill, or a doctor telling them they are ok, or in a religion saying the same. In the end we all walk this path alone, its up to us to decide what choices work for us.

   In the end, the answers we find are often the most vaulable to us.

 Bill

Posted 6/7/2013 9:25 PM (GMT 0)
I'm reading a very interesting book about communication - verbal and body language. The author compares magnetic people and those who are not. She sums up the differences into tips and rules anyone can adopt to develop magnetism. It's fascinating and funny. It's called "How to Talk to Anyone" by Leil Lowndes.

If seeing this man's lifestyle is stressful for you, friendship with him may be more harmful than your loneliness.

Jade, what do you enjoy doing when you are not depressed?
Posted 6/7/2013 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
People love to help. I'm sorry you aren't sensing their satisfaction at the moment. I wish you were here. It's a beautiful sunshine-and-clouds type of day. I would drag you out for ice cream at the meat market by the railroad tracks, and then go fishing on the lake. The lake is green and the fish are small, but it's always a relaxing time.
Posted 6/9/2013 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your lovely replies Happy Bill and Chloe. I'll be a 84 year old, old lady still wading my way through mental illness. My experience of bipolar is one I can rarely seem to "swim to the side of the pool" with. I do have moments of stability but they are brief.

I want to find/develop some system that is qualitative as well as quantitative at monitoring how I am going. It needs to be really flexible. I love the daily challenge site... it tends to keep a good record of progress on me... healthy behaviours, emotional health etc.

I think trying to stay attuned to my core values is the best way to ride these waves. Accepting there will be challenges and some days I will get overwhelmed by the conditions. Social isolation still remains a big issue I keep coming back to but I have managed some fall outs quite well this year and redeemed less intense connections from them.

Today is a depressed/fatigued day but I have been doing my business school work. I haven't made much progress but it has focussed my brain and distracted me from getting caught up in other people's issues or being too highly reactive.

Jade xx
Posted 6/9/2013 6:42 AM (GMT 0)

happy bill said...
I still use caffene...

Alcohol got old a long time ago and the light/brief inebriation of caffeine just seems so much better. And alcohol messes something in me up for days, noticed years before a diagnosis that it makes meditation harder and less effective.

Living Well said...
I'll be a 84 year old

!

I hope my mind is as sharp when I reach your age. Do bipolar individuals generally age well?
Posted 6/9/2013 6:59 AM (GMT 0)
I dunno... a lot of mentally ill people die very young because of quality of life issues, but also because mental health tends to impact on people addressing physical health issues, so mentally ill people tend to die earlier from cancer etc. These are just trends and anyone can take charge of their lives and take the best care of themselves mentally and physically.
Posted 6/9/2013 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
Bipolar disorder also significantly increases cardiovascular disease. The death rate due to cardiovascular disease is 40% higher for people with bipolar disorder than for the rest of the population!
Posted 6/9/2013 5:08 PM (GMT 0)
Great read about bipolar treatment for seniors: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17296540
Posted 6/26/2013 10:50 AM (GMT 0)
sorry, myjade, I don't know what you mean you don't want to lose to him. It's prolly a typo and I'm trying to decode it but haven't managed to just yet :(
Posted 6/26/2013 1:31 PM (GMT 0)
Not taking care of one's self and ending up in the hospital is not "handling BP well". JMO
Posted 6/26/2013 1:43 PM (GMT 0)
We can still do everything right and end up in hospital :(. It's such an individual journey. Our experiences of bipolar seem to be as unique as we are as individuals even if we might share some similar symptoms and the same dx. At least we are there to help each other through. United, we put one foot in front of the other and encourage each other along :)
Posted 6/26/2013 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
You are correct, there are as many different answers to our problems as there are people with BP. We arnt the same, so what works for me may not work for you.

Keep doing your best. Each day is another chance to try again.

Bill
Posted 7/6/2013 6:40 PM (GMT 0)

happy bill said...
You are correct, there are as many different answers to our problems as there are people with BP. We arnt the same, so what works for me may not work for you.

Keep doing your best. Each day is another chance to try again.

Bill

Bill - real quick: I'm new here and watching your posts. Mindfulness. Individual experience. I'm with ya...
Heather
Posted 7/6/2013 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry @Living Well, I know we can take care of ourselves and still struggle. I was more referring to the lack of self-care as not doing well (with hospitalization as the proof that the lack of self-care being destructive).

Anyhow, I hope you are having a good day. I am spending the day relaxing, but doing just enough to feel I've accomplished something. Otherwise I can end up feeling down (or worse).
Posted 7/6/2013 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
Chloe, I don't see there is any need for an apology whatsoever. I welcome other points of view and it helps my own thought processes. Just as an aside. I'm currently on the brink of having to go to hospital and I just wish some of my coping techniques would work. In the past 6 months, I have lost my father, my son and now my partner. There is no medication for grief unfortunately but it does play havoc with mental illness. I'm trying to rethink my "strategy"... is there another antipsychotic I could trial to give me some additional mood stabilisation in the face of the the grief??? Is there another coping mechanism that is just there waiting for me to try? (My disability worker says there is - REST lol). So yes, I think I may even be at a similar point just at the moment, in just trying to stop trying so hard and just be. I find the pain so intolerable that I have to still try coping techniques though. My ex partner who was the weak one in the relationship is amazingly okay without me. All that exhausting support of him and he's okay without it?? Fool me lol. We agree that it is probably because he was the one who decided to call it off and that because he had withheld all his misgivings from me. He only told me full on commitment, unconditional acceptance good stuff not all the other stuff on his mind. He understands I was totally blindsided by his decision. He also understands I'm not trying to change his mind because not telling me that other stuff was a betrayal that ended up shattering the false sense of security and safety he had built up for me in the relationship. The bell has been rung, the trust has been broken and there is no way back to what it once was; even if we were to try to start again on an adjusted footing. That adjusted footing should have been negotiated in the relationship so the trust could have been maintained. Anyhoo, that is my vent for the day. Please don't let it take away from the flow of the thread. I just wanted to "get it out". Expressing what is inside and what ails me helps me so much... I wish I was someone who could internally process, I really do!!! I'd certainly feel more self sufficient. Don't get me wrong. I write, I draw, I do active things to get my emotions out as well. I also engage in distraction and mindfulness. I don't just spend my days bemoaning my everyday problems to anyone who will listen. I do try to achieve the most joy and meaning out of every single day that I can and function as well as I can even despite serious relapses of my depression.
Posted 7/6/2013 11:47 PM (GMT 0)
One of the hardest lessons in life to get is that sometime you can do everything right and you can still lose.

I just focus on one day at a time. That's it. No more, no less. I try and learn from my mistakes but at the same time I don't keep beating myself up over them. You can't see every problem coming down the line, all I can do is my best and let the rest go.

Bill
Posted 7/7/2013 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
Where's that "Like" button? Thanks Bill :)
Posted 7/7/2013 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad you vented. (((hugs)))
Posted 7/7/2013 6:54 PM (GMT 0)
Peace is good if only obtainable. Can only be experienced thoroughly from within ones self . But certainly external help is always a catalyst to acieve peace mutually and wholly.
Posted 7/7/2013 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
I love love if it were only true
Posted 7/7/2013 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
Being new I wish to enlighten my prospective/ hopeful peers to my current condition and circumstances. I have recently experienced two major losses and my mania is on full throttle at this point. I naively entrusted a lady I met ona pen pal site and we have communicated beautifully for five months. She decided (alledgedly) to move to Cape Cod and requested funds to secure travel arrangements. Once the funds were wired and I attempted to call her the number was no longer in service. Silly me. Well the other thing is the passing of my 14 year old black lab Tweedledee who was my friend and mentor in terms of my desire to learn of unconditional love. Relapse occurred and here I am seeking alternatives to hospitalisation or self termination
Posted 7/7/2013 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
Ok axclusive group? Where do I apply?

Peace...
Posted 7/7/2013 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
hi hippie - This is a slow-moving group. It unusual to get a quick response. Feel free to start a new thread and introduce yourself. :)
Posted 7/8/2013 6:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Hippie,
I don't know if it helps but I feel similarly. My ex tried to swindle me out of my nest egg. Only from prior experience did I see the sting and put my money in a term deposit. I felt so crazy from the pain today that I felt like self terminating too. I didn't feel like I could talk I didn't feel I could reach out but I did. Some people were helpful, some weren't but I'm still here with options. It doesn't take away my pain, it doesn't take away my loneliness, my isolation. Nor does it take away my mental illness but I'm just keeping on putting one foot in front of the other and I hope you do too until the sun decides to shine again. I hope you have a good gp or pdoc to help you. Mine adjusted my meds today so hopefully I will have more in the tank to fight the despair life can bring. Let's see who is the first to feel the first rays of warm sunlight after the cold darkness of this horrible low. Jade x
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