Leaving fear behind; struggling to adjust to remission

I am terrified of depression.  It has motivated me to care for myself, but has also held me back.  I have been in remission for a year.  I know symptoms will return, but I'm trying to stop living as if I'm still symptomatic.

 

I disposed of my leftover mood stabilizer medication.  There was enough to kill a small horse.  It was bittersweet.  So happy to not need it, but so scared to dispose of my "safety net".  It's not logical.  My Dr. is a phone call away and my insurance covers most of my medication cost.  There was no need to keep expired medication.

 

I'm still trying to balance home and work.  I seem to be able to work 30 hours per week if I don't get stressed out.  I struggle with bad habits at home.  My bf was wonderful at taking care of everything when I was compromised by symptoms and side effects.  I have not stepped up what I do at home to match my level of wellness.  I've been more conscious of this in the last week, doing more, and still stable.

I learned to be selfish as a survival skill.  Now I'm trying to unlearn it and be more cooperative and respectful.

For every episode and every change of severity of symptoms, there is a time of adjustment with new habits to learn.  Accepting wellness and remission are proving to be as difficult to accept as my diagnosis and disability were!