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feeling like 2 different people

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 7/8/2013 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
I was diagnosed bipolar a couple years ago and it explained a lot of things for me. Although I think my meds are ok, I still feel like I'm 2 different pepple. The one I am nearly always is the one who is in control of my surroundings. I do what needs to be done, I take care of my kids and husband, attend all my daughters softball games, make sure everyone is good and well. Then there's the me on the inside. The one I keep wound tightly inside. Its the weaker side of me. A bit more bizzar. It's the me I can't let loose. This side of me wants to scream, cry, throw things, break things, hurt myself, it's neverending . It's like I can see them both, and there's a devil on my shoulder saying it's ok to let go, but I don't know that if I give in if I will be able to find my way back out of the madness.
What do I do? Keep fighting it?
Posted 7/8/2013 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed a week ago with Mixed Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I often feel like I am 2 different people. A goody two shoes and a rebel are is what i switch back and forth from.
Posted 7/9/2013 6:35 AM (GMT 0)
I admire you for being able to hide it and being able to function. Never give up! (((hugs)))
Posted 7/9/2013 10:33 PM (GMT 0)
I also have this inside of me. My approach is simple, accept this is part if me, don't ignore it, try to understand it, and work with it to live a normal life.

Example. I also have a desire to hit things and get angry. So I take a martial arts class where once a week I beat the living snot out of someone wearing pads. By addressing it, acknowaging it, I can the release it in a safe place.

The worse kind of problem is one you ignore. By ignoring it it grows and grows until it comes out with huge fangs and claws. Better to deal with it when it is small then to let it wreak your life. In laymens terms, it's better to have thirty, 2mph accidents then one 60 mph accident.

Plus now you know something is wrong, you are of two minds trying to square the person you are with the person you want to be. Not allways easy.

But we get up each day and try again. That's what's important.

Bill
Posted 7/17/2013 6:03 PM (GMT 0)
Though I am new to this sight, I can absolutly identify with you. You are such bigger person than I am though. I could never stop that dark side from coming out. Keep doing what you are doing, believe me you will never be able to forgive yourself for letting go. If you readmy post from today you will see where that road could potentially lead.
Posted 7/23/2013 5:21 AM (GMT 0)
I totally get this, although I look at it a little differently.

There is the side of me I let people see. The one that is in control, appears to have it together. I do the school stuff, the sports stuff, the family stuff, social stuff, volunteer stuff (work stuff when I have a job) etc.

What no one sees is the anxiety, the tears, the exhaustion, the pain, the anger, the confusion, the frustration, the fear. No one sees that I am almost close to losing control. (My husband can, but only cause he knows).

I use to think of it as weakness, but now I see it as strength. I am a strong person. Because despite all my issues, I am still doing all this. I can bite my tongue and not lash out. I can keep control (barely alot of the time). If I keep telling myself this, sometimes I actually start believing!!!
Posted 7/24/2013 7:30 AM (GMT 0)
I know how u feel I'm the same way. I want to scream and cry and break things and sometimes I want to hurt ppl. But then there's the me that ppl see I'm very quiet and calm I take care of my children and my husband. Sometimes I feel like this isn't my body and I just want to tear myslef out of this skin. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ptsd, and adhd. Sometimes because I'm so different on the outside than on the inside it like I'm screaming my thoughts at myself or at least I think that's why. Its a daily struggle for me to keep from hurtingg myself. I'm not currently on any medication. My doctor I don't think knew what he was doing everything he prescibed me either made it worse or added something new. I have a question though has any one every expeirenced what I call time laps. If I get really angry I always try to seperate myself from others well I usually calm down rather quickly, but then there's sometimes when I feel like its been maybe 10 minutes tops and I look at the clock and 2hrs has gone by. For exaple I was out with my family and all of the sudden I got extremely angry. Well I had my kids with me and I don't like to drive mad especially with my kids in the car so we sat out in the car for what felt like 5-10 minutes well I looked back at my kids they were asleep and then I looked at my phone and 2 hrs had went by. I felt so bad because that ment that my kids had been just sitting in the car in there seats for 2 hrs I didn't know iff they had talked to me if I had talked to them all I remember is sitting there looking out my windsheild. Has any one else ever had something like that happen.
Posted 8/17/2013 1:57 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, thats exactly how i feel and have never been able to put it into words. Thank you SO much for your post! I ALWAYS feel like i'm alone in a crowd of people. Some people scoff at the word "bipolar" like its not a legitimate reason for being the way that i am. Most of the time, i'm embarrassed to say it because i don't want the person to think that i'm taking the easy way out when i am explaining/describing/apologizing for my bad behavior.
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