Does Bipolar, or ADHD cause my new wife to reach out to other men?

My wife was diagnosed with Anxiety and ADHD, several years ago, just a few months ago just before we got married she was diagnosed as Bipolar. about a year ago she needed me to fix the printer on her laptop, while checking the printer I clicked on her email and saw where she was talking to an x boyfriend about still being in love with him. We came to terms that it was just a dumb nostalgia thing and moved on. Three months later she did the same thing with a different x boy friend, this time it took some time to resolve, but we got through it again, however this same guy and her continued again about another three months down the line. Now a NEW friend has popped up and they have been texting a lot lately, she deletes these texts afterwards, and she hardly ever deletes texts. She can’t blame this one on nostalgia. She swears that it’s nothing. My question is does this have anything to do with her disorders, or her lack of commitment towards our marriage?

I certainly hope you’re wrong on this, although I’m sure I’m thinking with my heart and not my brain. I was hoping that along with the mood swings and the way she changes her mind within moments of making other types of decisions that it just may be relate to the Bipolar. I guess, I’ll just have to be more attentive to the possible signs and be prepared for the worse.

First off ADHD and Bi-Polar are two VASTLY different disorders! If your wife is BP and she is being sexually inappropriate than obviously her meds have stopped working or she has stopped taking them. Either way she obviously needs counseling as well as meds, we don't stop knowing right from wrong we just stop caring. My advice tell her to get help or get out, especially if you have kids, unless you want them growing up thinking this type of behavior is normal. I wish you the best of luck and I will say I doubt she has stopped loving you, she may just be acting out over something she hasn't dealt with yet.

I didn't say that she was having sex with these guys, at least as far as I know, she's just texting them about still being in love with them. The last guy I have no idea what that was about, she just said he was a friend at work and thought if I saw the texts that I would be jealous .When I confront her about these guys she says that she didn't know why she did it. As far as her sex drive, it's fairly low, but she does make an effort to do it about twice a week, but admits she could go without. She does go to a DRx, but I think he's more into meds than therapy. My thought are this, if her behavior is related to her bipolar, then I can deal with it. However if this is just bad behavior then I won't accept it, I love her enough and hopefully I will find out which it is. Thanks for you feedback.

I don't know if Skull knows enough about mental illness to be able to make such claims. Always be wary of strong claims or recommendations from very recent members. Not that they are inherently "bad" but it takes a while to get into the swing of a new environment and it is always best to get to know where the person making strong statements is coming from.

Personally I think you are a remarkable man Mako (as a veteran member and a lifelong sufferer of extreme treatment resistant mental illness).

Mental illness can skew everything that most normal people experience. Life for the unstable mental ill person is often a series of desperate acts to take away the symptoms of mental illness.

I think for every partner of a mentally unstable person, it is a dance between compassion and understanding of the disorder and setting boundaries about what you will and won't accept.

Sadly you have very little control or influence over your wife's actions. It seems that her illness may be so out of control, she might even have some loss of control over her own actions. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking you can love a bipolar person well. Only medication and therapy can help manage this illness. It never goes away - and if it does go away - it obviously wasn't actually bipolar.

You will have to experience this rollercoaster ride for yourself, but it might be worth at this stage in the journey to set the point at which time you will allow yourself to get off the rollercoaster ride.

I'm starting to think marriage vows don't apply to the chronically mentally ill - and I'm not referring to infidelity. I mean the welfare of their partners committing to be there in sickness and in health. No one deserves to have their heart stomped on and their head messed with - especially on a permanent basis.

I can't control my symptoms and that is why I chose to remain single and not have friends. It is just not fair to drag anyone else through the agony of this illness. I don't think your wife is well enough to be able to appreciate about how her actions impact on you, so it will most probably be left up to you to self-protect.

Some bipolar marriages do work, and I applaud your commitment, but it will depend on your wife committing doing everything in her power to be as well as she possibly can be. Unfortunately it does seem that at this point in time she is a very long way from this position - and yes, it is likely you might need to prepare yourself for your marriage to fail in time. Even healthy people's marriages fail.

Please try to remember your first responsibility is to yourself, not your wife. There are professionals that can help your wife far more than you could in a million years. That is the reality of serious mental illness - only highly trained professionals can really help anyone make any substantial inroads. The person closest to your wife, needs to be a psychiatrist, not you, unfortunately :(.

Hope this helps untwist the mind-twists of bipolar, from someone who is actually more unwell that your wife but tries to be as least destructive as possible.

Best of luck in this challenge you have.

Jade

Post Edited (Living Well) : 9/17/2013 7:47:17 PM (GMT-6)

Mako, my interest is not Skull, my interest is you and I will continue to focus on your issues in your thread, and will continue to support you (if you do come back). All the best mate. Jade x

Glad to see you are still in there swinging. The fact your wife is participating in intense treatment is encouraging. I wish great outcomes for both you and your wife.

Mako I also wanted to add, it sounds like your wife is misdiagnosed. It sounds like she has borderline personality disorder not bipolar. People with bipolar don't have sudden mood swings - even "rapid cycling" refers to a few mood episodes per year. People with bipolar are the opposite - they get "stuck" in a strong mood (mania or depression) for weeks or months (or years if they are unfortunate. Same with decision making - people with bipolar don't tend to make sudden decision changes - usually it's the opposite... they have trouble changing their mind even when they should.

The acting inappropriate in regards to sexuality is quite a common thing for borderline personality disorder. and sudden mood swings and sudden changing of mind are two of the biggest characteristics of borderline personality disorder.

It's quite common for lesser educated psychs to mix up borderline personality disorder and bipolar. Ironically, the treatments for both (especially the medication) are nearly identical. So whatever treatment your wife is getting, it's probably correct, whether she has BPD or BPAD (bipolar affective disorder). But simply her label might be wrong and you may want to take her to a psych who specialises in the differences between BPD and BPAD to determine which one she really has.