Posted 9/23/2013 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
You dig deep Maggie. Chronic pain is the most unbelievably difficult condition a human can face and it is normal to lose one's mind because of it and want the freedom from pain we hope death might give us.
I too suffer deeply on a daily basis and my illnesses take away my capacity to engage in every life area. I know how pain can be intolerable and the consequences of not being able to function compound the suffering.
What keeps me alive? I make a commitment to myself to die a natural death. I observe the suffering as if it is happening to someone else (commonly known as dissociation and not encouraged in mental health circles - but I see it more as mindfulness and an "observer self" which is encouraged as part of mindfulness). At the end of the day, we have to take on the healthiest behaviours we can while we endure seeming intolerable pain. Each day is an exercise in heightening the pain threshold from trying to accept the pain and tell ourselves we CAN endure.
It seems that there needs to be a more aggressive approach to the management of your illnesses, but the blight of capitalism means aggressive treatment is a luxury reserved for the rich. It's not fair but life isn't fair. The way I see it, the involuntary euthanasia of medical neglect makes it easier for us to not be a problem for them. So, I find meaning in not dying just so I can be a voice for the people without voices. Of course I get too sick at times to be able to advocate, but I do as much as I can when I can. And that is what bring my live meaning.
You can see by the number of my posts, I am a lost, lonely person, just doing what I can to hang in there. But I keep hanging in, despite being rejected for being crazy. Despite having to isolate myself because my symptoms are so severe and untreatable because of my liver condition.
So, when it comes to you losing touch with reality, that may be psychosis and it might be able to be treated with anti-psychotics. It seems that you are not being taken seriously. (Not being taken seriously is a widespread symptom of a very broken health system. It is the systems way of denying there are serious problems the system is incapable of addressing. It is a way of avoiding responsibility).
It seems to me you need someone to hug you as you cry out your despair. If you have someone safe enough, consider it. The emotional release may help. It may help clear your mind and release all the burdens suppressing your energy. Like the freshness after a good rainfall, you may enter a state where new ideas and possibilities unique to your situation may spring up??? Solutions are so unique to each persons journey and often the person affected comes up with the best solutions because they know every intricacy of their situation.
Good luck xxx