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Posted 12/9/2013 3:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all, I could really use some help. My husband of 21 yrs had a 3 mo affair with my best friend and he has told me from the start that it was not him, just couldn't be. He described his feelings as though he was controlled or guide by something that he had no control over. He has been adamant about this from the day I found out. It has been about about 2 1/2 months now and he is slowly realizing the depth of pain and havoc he has caused. He has been extremely remorseful and says he would never do this to me and our two children. He is a very devoted husband and always has been. We just cannot begin to imagine where this came from. It is so out of character for him and way beyond our beliefs. Needless to say we are searching internet as to what happened..
We did go to a marriage counselor who on first visit (never having seen us before) tells us that my husband is severely depressed and bipolar. He then went to dr and was put on antidepressant.
Does the affair sound familiar and like bipolar? We see where it could have been manic with so other stuff going on with him at the time.
Thanks for any input.
Posted 12/9/2013 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
Also the affair was not sexual. They texted and talked on phone and would meet but kissed only, no sex.
Posted 12/9/2013 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Impulsive and self-destructive behavior is part of Bipolar symptoms, though not everyone goes through the same behaviors. Spending sprees, flagrant affairs or risky investments can all signal bipolar disorder if they're out of character and part of a larger pattern of symptoms.

I would strongly suggest that your husband see his Dr. as there is help available for this disorder. 

I would say your best friend is not the friend you thought she was.......................single therapy for you would be a good idea too, to help you learn how to heal from this. 

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Posted 12/9/2013 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Kitt
Thank you for the reply. He did spend money during the affair on himself, had an obsession with exercising to limits beyond his capability and even on one occasion told me he was going to ride his bike to a farm to feed the fish which was impossible to do from our house and I asked him if he thought he was superman? I now look back and see where these are symptoms of bipolar but still not sure if they have to be extreme to be considered. He went to Dr to get prescription for antidepressant to find out this dr was leaving the office so we are in waiting now for him to be seen again. Only the counselor has given us the unofficial diagnosis and we are wanting a true MD to give one.
AND NO SHE MUST HAVE NEVER BEEN A TRUE FRIEND!! SHE'S THE ONE THE PUSHED FOR THE WHOLE EVENT TREMENDOUSLY!!
Thanks again
Posted 12/10/2013 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
I admire you bpfarmerswife for confronting the pain of your husband's part to play in the affair and together actively working on piecing together what is happening for him mentally. You are both taking back the power and actively working on your marriage. "I now look back and see where these are symptoms of bipolar but still not sure if they have to be extreme to be considered." I would say what you describe is extreme. It is possible that these behaviours have increased slowly over time so that even you became so used to them, like a frog with the water slowly heating until he gets cooked? Is it possible that over time his more exaggerated behaviours became increasingly "normal" for him? Antidepressants are the worst thing your husband could take if he is indeed bipolar, especially if he stuggles with mania. The reason being is that antidepressants create mania in bipolar patients. If bipolar your husband will need a mood stabiliser to take the edge off the mania. He will also need therapy to help him modify his behaviour the best he can at such times. If he has times of deep depression, he may need to, with his doctors guidance, take a low dose antidepressant or lighten the dose of his mood stabilisers but at this time it seems that the mania is being more detrimental to him, you and your marriage... so tackle that state first but know that swinging to depression is something to be watchful for. As he learns to be self aware and you learn to know what to look for... you will be able to arrest extreme states at a much more less destructive level. There is hope. It takes skill, hard work and perseverance to manage this illness but it seems that you are both open to and indeed hungry to manage it. Also, it often takes a few different trials to find the right drug. Don't get discouraged if the first few trials don't work or have unwanted side effects. There is no way of predicting what drug will work best for a patient. It is trial and error. You can get lucky first trial or you may still be looking for something to work after 7 trials. Don't fall into the trap of thinking it will all end with medication and therapy. It is just the start and the journey of fine tuning will become part of your daily life just as having your breakfast and brushing your teeth. Being sensitive and attending to shift in state early helps a lot. It is not just mood but energy levels and mental processes that are indicators of mood shifts. You will get to know your husband's specific tell tale signs and he will need to welcome you to point them out to him when you notice them. Best of luck... you have a good approach and outlook... and I'm so sorry you've had to experience that horrible sense betrayal to get to this point, where you can start to deal with the underlying issue. Bravo for your bravery and resilience. All the very best to you and your family xo
Posted 12/10/2013 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, something else that can be a tell tale sign of impending mania can be insomnia. It can also be a sign of impending depression, so look at other factors like fatigue vs hyperactivity, racing thoughts vs confused dull cognition. Mania is also not always a "happy" experience. One can have euphoric elevation and dysphoric elevation. Dysphoric elevation can include irritability and anger. Once again this can mimic depression.. and you will need to look at energy levels and thought processes to help determine the difference. It is a fine art, but one well worth learning, as the early intervention is very different for each state ;) xo

Post Edited (Living Well) : 12/10/2013 10:55:37 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/15/2013 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
hi I can tell you a little bit of my experience to help. I was given benzodiazepines and an antidepressant 18 years ago. I think at that time I was misdiagnosed as possibly having bipolar. I was told I had an anxiety disorder. the antidepressant mad me really hyperactive which I now look back in hindsight and realize it was hypomania. I become increasingly more ill over a 18 yr period, my life went out of control. I have the spent the last yr getting off of benzodizepines, and antidepressants. then oh boy, did I start having terrible anger episodes, euphoria, mania. at first we thought it was the withdrawal from benzos, but later realized I indeed had bipolar disorder. I also recently have been told I have lyme disease and it is possible I have this because of lyme all this time. but I found that once I got the right medication, which was lamictal 100 mg daily, I stabilized and starting acting like my old self before being drugged with the wrong drugs nor being diagnosed with an illness that was missed, like lyme.

I also ended up suffering so much that I had an affair on my husband. but he also has alot of issues and we both feel we contributed to our marital problems. I also was not rational at the time of my affair, and I feel the long term use of benzos impaired me. we are in therapy now, are starting to heal, and are having a happy life now. but it has taken us 3 yrs to get this far. We have also had to do alot of work on forgiveness and I especially. forgiveness of myself. so you can work on your marriage, get him the help he needs, recover and heal.
Posted 12/15/2013 10:33 PM (GMT 0)
LIVING WELL AND MYSTERY1, THANK YOU FOR REPLYING. THIS IS SO FOREIGN TO ME.

YES HE DID HAVE LOTS OF INSOMNIA DURING THIS TIME, HE WAS FEELING DEPRESSED THE BEGINNING OF THE YR AND HAD STARTED TO DRINKING. I HAD PRETTY MUCH GOTTEN TIRED OF IT AND DEMANDED HE STOP. THIS WAS IN JULY AND HE HAD ALREADY MET HER AND STARTED TO TALK AT THIS POINT. HE HAS NOT HAD A DROP SINCE. TO ME FINDING OUT TWO MONTHS LATER (OCTOBER) THEY HAD BEEN MEETING TO TALK ON A REGULAR BASIS WITH A KISS GOODBYE. NOTHING SEXUAL. (BOTH HAVE TOLD ME THIS) THEY DID BUY PREPAID CELL PHONES TO TALK AND TEXT ON SO I WOULDN'T SEE ON PHONE BILL. HE IS VERY SORRY AND TELLS ME DAILY BUT I HAVE A HARD TIME WITH IT. THE THERAPIST IN OUR LAST SESSION SAID ONCE AGAIN THIS HAS BIPOLAR WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. HE SAID THERE'S TOO MANY SIGNS OF THE ILLNESS FOR IT NOT TO BE. 1) WAY OUT OF CHARACTER FROM WHAT WE ARE TELLING HIM 2) SOME EXTREME DIETING AND EXERCISE THAT WAS TAKEN TOO FAR 3) PATERNAL UNCLE WITH BIPOLAR DIAGNOSED AT AN EARLY AGE (DECEASED NOW) 4) SECOND PATERNAL UNCLE COMMITTED SUICIDE about 20 YRS AGO 5)HUSBAND KEPT TELLING ME HE FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS GUIDING HIM THAT HE WASN'T DOING THIS 6)HE TOOK NO PRECAUTIONS TO SOME OF THE PLACES THEY WOULD MEET (DID NOT CARE about CONSEQUENCES) 7) DID NOT THINK IN HIS MIND HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR (HE WAS JUST GOING THRU THE MOTIONS) 8) DID NOT LOVE HER OR HAVE ANY EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO HER AT ALL JUST THE SITUATION MADE HIM FEEL GOOD about HIMSELF

THESE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT HAVE COME TO ME TO SHARE. IF ANYONE HAS ANY MORE INSIGHT, PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND ALL THIS!!
WE ARE WAITING TO GET BACK TO PSYCHIATRIST TO GET DIAGNOSIS (HAVE TWO APPTS SCHEDULED IN JANUARY WITH TWO DR. TO BE ON SAFE SIDE)

THANKS FOR ANY INPUT!!
Posted 12/15/2013 11:11 PM (GMT 0)
PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!

HE KEEPS TELLING ME HE CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY HE DID IT AND THAT IT JUST WASN'T HIM THAT HE COULD NEVER NEVER DO THIS!!! HE DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HE WAS DOING OR THE REALM OF IT ALL!!!
Posted 12/16/2013 8:07 AM (GMT 0)
Farmers Wife,
The thing is the reality is the reality regardless of the "why". You have been betrayed by two people you have trusted and that is massive. I think we get conditioned that as adults only sexual betrayal matters. Well emotional betrayal cuts very, very deep regardless of whether they "did or didn't kiss", regardless of whether they "did or didn't make out" and regardless of "whether or not there was intercourse". The sacredness of your bond with your husband, the privacy, the emotional connection, the emotional intimacy, the emotional exclusivity has been lost. It IS a really significant loss. Don't listen to how society, friends or family may try to minimalise it or tell you how you "should" feel. This is your marriage and your feelings about the relationship with the person you are most intimate with in your world. Your world has imploded, or at least your marriage has. The bell cannot be unrung. The affair cannot be undone. It will be a scar that your marriage will have to carry and endure. All marriages have scars created by a variety of experiences. While that may normalise it for you, it doesn't mean "Should-feels" has anything to do with it.
Experience your thoughts and feelings as they are. Accept them as normal.
Probably the hardest thing is the sense of "how do I trust him again", "should I trust him again", "if he's not in control of himself, what is going to stop him doing it again". These are valid fears because the reality is that it IS possible that something similar could happen again. But in all honesty, I think it is unlikely. The way that your hubby seems to be taking responsibility for his health and his illness, the way you are working together to best manage this illness makes it unlikely he will do it again. That does not say the hurt will miraculously go away and the trust will bounce back instantly. Maybe you need to accept that you have suffered a major loss, that your pain is justified and that it will take a while to heal. I think it is very courageous of you to experience these dark, painful emotions. There is no way to avoid this stuff. You have to plough straight through it, accept that something really awful has happened to you, that your husband is deeply sorry but it doesn't take away the fact it happened. You need time to heal. His sorrow helps but it doesn't undo it. He loves you. He's committed to getting stable. Your pain will subside, your trust will grow and you will use this illness as a joint project that working on together will bring you even closer. We never know how strong something is until pressure is applied. From what you say you both are aghast and are completely committed to your marriage. It sounds like you are doing everything right... you just need for the process to catch up and swing into gear. It may be a very difficult, painful time but from what your write, it does seem you ARE on the right track. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It does seem that there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe you need reassurance you are not a fool for stick with and working through this issue? Maybe you need reassurance that how you feel is okay, natural, normal and to be expected? Maybe you need reassurance that your husband DOES love you and is committed to "affair proofing" your marriage? I think they are all valid reassurances to need. xo
Posted 12/17/2013 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Living Well!! I needed to hear all of that so much. I feel he still truly loves me and is deeply sorry for what he has done. The scar will be there forever but like all the others we have, I hope to not let it define us but instead be a lesson. I do have trust issues really bad and maybe time will help build that again too. We are continuing to see a marriage counselor weekly and that does help some. As far as we know, only the other woman and her husband are the only ones that know and I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO about THIS so it helps so much to be able to get support here. Thanks for all you have shared, it really means a lot!

Farmers Wife
Posted 12/17/2013 8:01 AM (GMT 0)
I'm glad to have been able to help you feel less alone with this.

I know you know he truly loves you and is deeply sorry... it comes through in your writing. The fact you feel it means it is genuine. False assurances just can't convince us of such things. I don't get the sense that you would lie to yourself if he happened to not be genuine. From what you write, I agree with you that his actions certainly represent genuine remorse and a commitment to manage his illness and rebuild the trust in your marriage.

Keep talking because as much as I may empathise and want to support you... this is still your situation to work through and I don't want to be putting words in your mouth.

Big hugs for you. You are a strong and courageous woman. Be gentle on you and your process through this :) xo
Posted 1/18/2014 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all since I last posted my husband has been to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as having stimulant induced mania due to Adipex diet pills he was taking. He was prescribed Seroquel and Depakote. We are trying to work through this but it is very hard. We've never seen anything like this in all our years of marriage.
Posted 1/18/2014 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for updating is FW. I'm sorry that it is such a hard time for you both. Take strength and solace from all the challenges you have faced together and prevailed. One step at a time. Keep in touch xo
Posted 1/18/2014 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Farmers Wife,

Thank you for the update. I'm glad that your husband is seeking the necessary help.

I hope things work out for you both, Keep us updated on how you're doing.

Take Care

UA
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