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Posted 8/5/2005 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

First off - I am a little worried no one will see this message because I saw psychnurse mentioning she isn't see'ing new threads!  So Im not even sure this will get there! Ha!

Oh well, Ill try anyway!  Warning: This is going to be sort of long!!  If you don't want to read it all, thats ok!! LOL eyes

I've been diagnosed with Bi-polar and Anxiety/Panic Disorder.  Quite a few years ago I was dx w/ BP.  The anxiety thing is newer.  That came on after my son was born.  Ill go on with descriptions of what I do/did in a bit. 

I was started out on the ever so popular Prozac.  Didn't do much for me, but I also don't think I was with a good doctor.  Just a regular Dr.  It some-what controlled the depression side of things, but it didnt control the mood swings very well.  They were cut down, but not even by half.  Then I went to a psychiatrist, and was put on Zoloft and Depakote.  I gained some amount of weight with this combination.  He had me going 2x a week!!!!  I wasnt even that bad (yet!).  So- he saw $$ when I walked through his door 2x a week.  Then, I started telling him that I wasnt really noticing a big difference - didn't matter to him - he just kept smoking.  Yes, he smoked in his office! You could barely seem him, he was always engulfed in a cloud of smoke. 

Then my grand-mother passed away and I can not even tell you how close I was with her. We were attached at the hip.  We also shared an apartment together.  So- she passed away very very unexpectedly (she was healthy and very active/young for her age!).  We had just come back from vacation the night before.  Got home from the trip (not a long one), went to bed, woke up the next morning, went into her bedroom to see if she wanted to go get breakfast.  She was gone (passed away).  So - I was traumatized highly by witnessing such a thing as that.  I called this Doctor who smoked and asked him to give me something to help me calm down.  I was in hysterics - I couldn't stop pacing the floor, I was literally pulling big chunks of my hair out (I have that condition, Trichotillomania, where you pull out hair), I was hyperventilating, etc etc..... just everything!  So I called this doctor - He said Oh - I cant give you anything like that, just take an extra 1 half of a Zoloft (I was on a very low dose to begin with)! Well from my experience w/ Zoloft - it isn't an anti-anxiety drug.  And, I do believe this is what I needed.  I dont even remember feeling "immediate" relief from Zoloft - that isnt what it is..... you know?   So I didnt do that.  I knew that wouldnt help - so why load myself with stuff that isnt going to help the situation immediately like I needed.  I basically got through those days with a good friend at my side (I wasnt married yet, nor did I know my husband).  At the funeral I went nuts again and had to be taken to an ER room afterwards and was given an anti-anxiety drug.  I was doing something Ive never done before and never have since.  I would walk then I would picture my grandmother standing there reaching her hands out - I would scream and turn away and then as I was going the other way I would see or fear that vision again - so basically I was running in these vicious circles of terrible fear.  So I needed help. :(  It was like a hallucination or something.  Weird!

So obviously I quit going to the "smoke doctor".  I then found another psychiatrist I adored.  I loved him to death.  But - he had me on Lithium.  It helped me for the most part. I then had my son, and this is when the Anxiety/Panic Disorder started -  I would inform him of these and he wasnt too concerned -- he just added Klonopin to the medicine diet.  Well, by the end of all this, I gained so much weight - I mean just a disgusting amount.  I didnt have the best diet, but my diet was just as my husbands - I actually probably even ate less than he did.  And, I gained over 100lbs by the time I was done with this (approx: 1 year).  And my husband is an overall fit man.  Maybe a little overweight, but nothing severe enough that you notice right off the bat!   So - I told him I was gaining this terrible amount of weight - it was coming on so fast!!! I actually probably gained more than 100+ pounds.  That didnt bother him, what mattered to him was - I was getting better.  Yes, that was a good thing, but this weight was sending me into a whole nother depression.   I had my thyroids checked - they were fine! So, it was basically my diet ontop of these pills!  And like I said, the diet was the same as husbands - and he didnt gain weight like that.  So I can only think to blame the pills TOO! Not completely!

So - I had to quit going to him.  He wasnt concerned I was going obese!  I went back to my regular doctor - she took me off the lithium.  She gave me Risperdal and Lexapro and told me to take the Klonopin as needed (for when I have a Panic Attack or severe Mood Swing).  Well, Im an active woman who likes to get up and go when I want and need to.  The Klonopin sort of made me feel groggy at times, and I basically quit taking those.  I didnt like that "drugged up" feeling.  Not to mention, I would never drive w/ my child in the car while under the influence of Klonopin or any other Anti-Anxiety drug. 

So this is where I am today...... I've quit taking the Risperdal and Lexapro.  They made me way too tired, how in the world was I supposed to keep up w/ an active 3yr old and housework and being a good wife if I was always laying around, tired, etc.etc.  It was making me more depressed actually!!  Because I felt so tired I couldnt have any fun.  So I quit taking ALL medicines and I'm actually doing VERY Good!!  My husband and myself are very proud of me!

Sure, I have my down days (doesnt everyone?) but, Im actually quite a happy person now.  Making love to my husband isn't a "chore" anymore, I actually enjoy it now.  I wake up and I'm up for the day.  I feel better pretty much.

My only problem is, I do still have Panic/Anxiety attacks.  I am always afraid something is going to catch the house on fire and we'll be asleep and not wake up to the sound of the fire detectors going off.  Petrified of Tornados and not hearing the whistles for them (you can barely hear those whistles at my house) and if its in the middle of the night! Sometimes I feel like Im having a heart attack - even though my heart is checked and in good health!  And my biggest fear is losing my husband.  For whatever reason.  I know he won't leave me, but what I mean is, he'll get sick and pass away or get hurt and pass away..... Any of those things.  And, I know this goes back to my grandmother - losing her was so hard on me, that I dont want to go through that again!  But, I know I could not live without my husband.  And, I have a son to take care of! But, I just wouldn't want to live another day without him.  And, I feel guilty saying this because I have the most wonderful son anyone could ask for.  And I know I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself and jeopardize my son's life being without ANY parent. But, I'm just talking...... I wouldn't know what to do.  Oh my gahd it freaks me out so bad!!! And see what happened was.  My husbands buddy from college just passed away 2 weeks ago (complications from Pancratitis) he was only 28.  My husband is 29! So that scares me!

And then my relationship with my parents....... that is another story I will go into later, maybe on the Depression board.  But, I do need immediate assistance with that.  Because my parents are destroying my husband and I's life.  They hurt us so bad emotionally.  Ugh......<sigh>

Well Thank you for reading this far - I know I got long winded! I apologize, but I just wanted to let you know a little about me and my life. :)

Thanks again!

 

Posted 8/5/2005 8:34 PM (GMT 0)

Hi, JustPeachy, I'm sorry so long to answer.  I found a roundabout, backdoor way to find new threads.

Wow, what a pathetic excuse for a doctor you had!  (Smoking one).  Unreal. eyes   How long have you been on no meds?  Are you saying your panic disorder is under control?  If you're doing fine with none, I really doubt you're bipolar!  We do horribly bad without, even on them if they're not just right.  I'm not sure he diagnosed you right, you don't really sound bipolar to me, depression/anxiety/panic disorder sounds more likely.   Have you actually had a manic or hypomanic episode?  To be diagnosed bipolar, you have to have had at least one, lasting more than 4 days.  Here are the symptoms:

List of symptoms of Mania: The list of symptoms mentioned in various sources for Mania includes:

Symptoms of Mania: When You're Manic...

When people are in a manic "high," they may be overactive, overly talkative, have a great deal of energy, and have much less need for sleep than normal. They may switch quickly from one topic to another, as if they cannot get their thoughts out fast enough. Their attention span is often short, and they can be easily distracted. Sometimes people who are "high" are irritable or angry and have false or inflated ideas about their position or importance in the world. They may be very elated, and full of grand schemes that might range from business deals to romantic sprees. Often, they show poor judgment in these ventures. Mania, untreated, may worsen to a psychotic state

I recommend you find a doctor to treat your panic disorder, because it is affecting at least some of your quality of life.  The antidepressants with an antianxiety med is usually the combo - Klonopin is a bit heavy for someone who isn't manic; ask him about ativan or xanax at a very low dose to start; I think you'll find it works very well.

Did the Prozac help the trichotillomania?  Prozac is an excellent medication for obsessive/compulsive behaviour (which that is).

Posted 8/6/2005 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome Just Peachy Tell Smoky Doctor To stay the HEll away From This Site we Might have to tear his a** up devil . What a dumb a**. Sorry guys, I hate ignorance. Anyways, I am also gald you are doing much better, have to agree with Shannon, probably misdx. No BP I Know does well , half way well or close to well without any sort of meds. Glad your not though, I don't wish BP on anyone. As for your weight gain baby steps, get your little precious one in the stroller and head out for a walk. I put on some weight from depakote , and started walking with my 3 yr old in the stroller, took some weight training class and a walking class, not to mention a new med and lost it all plus some. Good luck with that. Remember you didn't put it on over night!   Shannon , I think you just described me below!!!!!!!!!!  LOL, it's a joke. Laugh. Humor . Hey, I am actually in a good mood today, guess what, spent another $150 at the fair last night. At the local FAIR. Can you believe that. Well at least Jaylynn had fun!
Posted 8/6/2005 5:00 PM (GMT 0)

LOL!  I think that describes ALL of us, doesn't it?  I have to admit, I didn't write that, I copied/pasted it as I always do with mania symptoms!  TNTC!

I'm soooooo glad you're in a good mood today!  So am I.  $150???????? (I wish they had a "shocked" emoticon).   $250 in a week at the fair.  Well, I would hope to shout you two had fun!  Was the extra $50 this trip for the food you didn't eat last time, haha! 

Oh, man I totally agree.  Bring that SOB smoking doc here, and he'll be disabled and unable to practice medicine again.  I do believe the word "practice"  is what he is doing, haha.

Posted 8/6/2005 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Shannon, quick post here, had to check my other forumthen jump back here. Didin't get the computer last night Jason was playing poker after the fair. Yeah actually him and Jaylynn ate. They had corn on the cob, corn dogs, cotton candy, fries with vinegar, soda.... I had water and their shake up lemonades. I had to treat myself to something. Jason kept saying get a funnel cake or elephant ear, I am like I can't Hello my Diabetes. He laughs, and says like that lemonade drink didn't have straight sugar in it. lol Jason is at another softball tournament today, and me and Jaylynn are getting ready to go swimming so I will talk to you on mOnday . Bye sweetie.

Haha, "Practice"

Posted 8/6/2005 6:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nurse and Kittycat!

Is it possible to be misdiagnosed?  Have you heard of that before?  Or let me ask another question.  Can bi-polar just get up and go away in time?   Im sorry, Im sure I sound ignorant, but I really don't know.... confused

The reason I am asking this is, I used to be pretty bad.  I would be fine half of the time and then there would be times I would just get mad for things (usually (not all the time) things that would make anyone mad) but I would go about expressing my anger in a much more dramatic/destructive way.  And I think the reason I did this way because my husband would when I would get upset, expect the worse (probably from past experiences) and he would shut himself out of the situation and ignore me.  I do not like being ignored by him-and he knows it and does it well!  Well anyway, I would display my anger in a way of either screaming/name calling, crying, locking myself in my bedroom, or breaking something (this was not often-only 3 times).  My most common thing was crying and saying nasty things to hurt him, like I was hurting. sad   But this would go on for about maybe 5-10 minutes (always feels longer than it was) I would go and close myself in my bedroom, turn on some music, and turn out the lights and work on relaxing myself.  Id come out 1-2 hours later, apologize for my actions and we'd hug and tell each other we loved each other very much and be fine until next time.  Maybe it would happen the next day or 2 (not often) but usually Id go a week maybe 2 before it happened again.  Another big thing I did - my doctor called this "Anxiety" though.  That was, if he would fall asleep before I did.  That was a big problem!  I didnt like it at all.  I would wake him up, and if he wouldn't wake up, I would get upset and cry.  I dont know why, but I didnt want to be "left" .... if that makes sense.  I havent done this in awhile though, sometimes I "catch" myself getting ready to start doing it, and I stop myself by either rolling over and going to sleep or leaving the room and coming back when I too am tired.   I think it stemmed from my grandmothers death if you want to know the truth.  I felt like I was alone or something, I dont know - none of it ever did make much sense to me!

Well Id say maybe in the last 8-10 months till now, Ive been controlling my anger (temper) much more effectively.  If I get mad or upset about something, I calmly get up from the situation.  Tell my husband what it was that upset me in a calm/normal voice.  Leave the room - go to my bedroom or another part of the house - and Ill either write a letter expressing what it was that upset me and by the time Im half way done with my letter Im realizing what I got upset about is not as big of a deal as I thought and I'm fine.  ---OR---- my other favorite option is telling him what I didnt like and working it out right there with him.  That is my all-time favorite way, but you have to understand, my husband is very much a introvert he says anyway - I dont see it too much, I think he likes to go out and have fun just as much as I do and I'm an extrovert.  I think he uses it as an excuse or crutch so when he doesnt want to deal with something or talk about something he says that and that is his excuse for shutting me out! 

I think my problem is I am needy.  I need him to live, breath, eat, sleep, etc..... and I need to work on being more independant!

Nurse, the things you mentioned below really do not sound like me at all too much.  The only things that do is maybe the excitement and talking a lot.  But, to know me, you would know I am a very outgoing person.  I am most of the time happy and just excited to be alive type of thing, and 2... talkative.... well - I think I was talking in the womb.  Im a talkative person, I always have been my whole life.  But, Im not the type of talkative that doesn't let other people talk.  What I am is a good conversationalist.  I can talk to keep up a good conversation.  And laughing... well, I laugh a lot.  IF something is funny to me.  I dont laugh for no reason or anything.  But, I consider myself to have a good sense of humor therefore Im laughing at a lot of things.   But, I consider this normal.  I dont feel I do it to the point of being abnormal. But, I could be wrong.... ??

The mania doesn't sound like me either really.  Other than again, the excitement part.  I dont bounce off walls or anything, but if something exciting happens, I take that in great joy and I get excited.  Like when husband presents me with a "surprise vacation" or a "surprise treatment at the Spa" well - I get very excited! yeah

My only downfall is ...... I do have a short temper.  But, I am learning how to control it better and deal with it more effectively.  I dont know... maybe its a form of anxiety?  Unfortunately I dont know a whole lot about depression.  I know some -- because Ive done some reading on it. 

Another possibility this is all going on like this is a couple things.  We are under a considerable amount of stress right now (not too bad) but we're going to be putting our house on the market and probably build a house.  And, my son starting pre-school this fall.  And, my parents. 

Well I think I have talked enough again this time! LOL

PS-- Kittycat ---- I love carnivals/festivals.  We go to them a lot, and I spend too at the Poker tables!  Ive never spent more than $50.00 at one though at one time!  I think 50 is even a little high! LOL.  Ive spent $150 at a casino though before I could blink! LOL

Take Care!

 

Posted 8/6/2005 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
Nurse,

I forgot to tell you about the Trichotillomania.  I've always had it.  My mom says I used to twist my hair around my fingers when I was a baby and sometimes pull it.  But, it would stop for a long while then I would do it again.  

Well its sort of been that way my whole life..... Ill go months and months without doing it.  Then I go through a phase like I am these past few months where I pull and pull..... My hair and my eyebrows (but I have so many of those - I need to pull more probably! LOL). 

For a long time I used to think it was just an annoying habit.  As that was what everyone would tell me it was.  Stop doing that and Id tell them I couldnt control it.  They'd say that is silly.  Well it wasnt until recently that I noticed a website for people with "Trich" and I thought WOW! This is what I have.  Ive never brought it up to a doctor, so I dont know if Prozac would help.  Its worth bringing up.... my poor hair is going so thin!

ALSO ---- another thing I wanted to mention in my other post and that is that I have PCOS and I know or heard that PCOS can cause mood swings.  This could be another problem which is what causes it.

Thanks for listening!

 

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