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Pregnant ex girlfriend (bipolar) advice needed

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Posted 1/27/2014 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hi I'm Luke I'm 25 and this is my story,

I met a girl I work with in October 2012 and we started dating each other in June 2013, things were great I had never been so happy with someone before, I knew she was bipolar before we started dating but I didn't know too much about the disorder apart from mood swings.

3 or 4 times she has split up with me in 6 months when she has had a mood swing, only to regret it the very next day and come back to me crying about it. I would never normally tolerate this in a relationship but I try to accept that when she does this she is not really herself so I forgive her seeing as all the time we are together we are happy and very rarely argue about anything.

She has ovarian cysts and is not supposed to be able to get pregnant or with great difficulty at least, she's very upset when she tells me about this but I say I'm happy to stay with her anyway and that it doesn't change my feelings

Then one night when we had both had a bit too much too drink and are about to "finish" having sex she says just do it because she can't have kids anyway, I don't know why I did but anyway it happened and we carried on like this for about a month until finding out in December she's pregnant.

This is where things have got really really hard.

Things were ok once we accepted the pregnancy and said we would keep the baby and do our best together. One night I was feeling really low, worrying about money and what kind of dad I was going to be all that stuff and we were texting each other. I don't know why but I said we should take a break from the relationship until she can stop smoking because i was really against it even though she had cut down to 1 a day I didn't want it to cause any arguments. I realise this was wrong and I should of been more supportive but anyway she flips and says it's over anyway.

I apologise massively over the next few days saying I was having a bad day and I never meant I never wanted to be with her. Eventually she says we'll see if she feels any different after the 12 week scan and we will talk after.
So we have a long talk and say we are going to try again and take things slowly at the end of it, then we have 2 days just us no work that were exactly as if we were a couple and I thought we were back together just taking things slowly. I mean she even slept with me 3 times and was back to her happy self said I love you when I left her house too.

Then two days later at work she seems off with me I ask her what's wrong and why she doesn't even say hello because it doesn't seem like she cares that we're back together. She says that we were never back together because she never said that and the 2 days was a mistake..

Now she says she wants to be friends but she doesn't talk at work and doesn't want to see me out of work in case she gets feelings for me again

Coming up to 2 months off her medication and now she's like we're done and dusted and no chance of ever getting back together for no reason at all because she's out of love. After 3 weeks apart I'm not in love either but I still love her I try and explain if we spent some time together things could get back to how they were and that she has not been herself off her medications. She says no I'm fine really I am and that she feels nothing for me now.

I know she won't try and stop me from seeing the baby but it won't make it any easier not being together. I would never stay with someone just for the sake of a child and I do love her dearly all I want is a happy new family together.
I don't know whether to wait and see if she feels different after the baby is here but I've mentioned this and she's said no I won't feel different it's over move on.
I have a month paternity leave to spend at her house with the baby which I am excited and happy for but also dreading it.
Is it best to give her space and just ride the storm out and hope things change?
She still texts me all the time without me texting first but I'm so lost right now about what to do and what to believe I'm just really down and depressed all the time and don't know what to do about it.

Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice anyone has.

Luke
Posted 1/27/2014 6:31 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Luke,
I remember being pregnant and bi polar it was very difficult. She may just need a little space. Its a very difficult time for both of you. It may be helpful to reiterate how much you want to be there for the child that is yours and hers. Insight for us who have bipolar, I know I felt like I was fine without my meds when in reality I truly wasnt. But I commend you for being there and being persistent in doing what you feel is right. She may feel as she is caught up in a storm of emotions just as you are feeling. Take care of you. If your not ok, then it makes things harder.
Good Luck
Posted 1/27/2014 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
Luke,

I commend you for being the person that you are for trying to work things out. I know that my husband has been through a lot with me, there are times I have yelled and said that we are done, and if he had just given in and walked out the door I know without a doubt I would be regretting it very much. But he stands by me and is my rock.

Just make sure she knows that you will be there for her, and that you are willing to help her if need be and all those sorts of things, and know that the hormones from being pregnant and also the bipolar from being off her meds are certainly going to be hard to have to deal with for a while.
Posted 1/28/2014 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Luke,

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you joined.

I'm sorry for the trouble you have been going through. Being in a relationship with a bipolar person is not easy. You have to be committed. People with Bipolar need a lot of patience and care. I admire you for sticking with your (ex)-girlfriend and being supportive.

The pregnancy can be tough for her especially with the mood swings she may experience. Her mood swings may cause her to react the way she is. She may be overwhelmed with all the changes happening.

She probably needs space but she need support as well. If she doesn't want to talk, maybe give her some space until she comes around but as Xaleah said, do let her know that you are there for her and you will be there for your child.

I hope things will get better.

UA
Posted 1/30/2014 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Luke, what a journey hey!

I think take a step back, not for her sake but just so you can get your inner equilibrium back again. There are massive emotions involved in on again off again relationships... it is exhausting, confusing and damaging.

It hurts to miss someone but you may have to be realistic about what she can give in a relationship right atm.

Just because you have paternity leave doesn't mean you have to be with her 24/7. You can sleep days at home and the "do the evening shift" at night. People with bipolar need to be awake during the day and sleep during the night. This is one way you can support her without the dynamics of your relationship being so front and centre and so intense. It gives you time to bond with your baby without being sleep deprived as you get him/her in a good nighttime sleep routine.

You will have to set the tone of the relationship. She may have the "go away, come backs" going on but your gift to your family is to hold that middle ground firmly while she is bouncing around all over the place. Yes she will resent you for it. You won't be able to do anything right... but this is just the beginning of the relationship... there will be times down the track when she will be the rock for you during difficulties you will face in life.

Don't feel like a fool for standing up for what you want. Hold firm and weather the storm. Work out strategies of how to manage her highs and lows while keeping that middle ground.

Best of luck.

And congratulations on becoming a father later this year :)
Posted 1/30/2014 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys thanks for the support,

recently I have been giving her a lot of space in the last few days and have noticed a few things.
She will send messages or seemingly do things for attention or just to get a reaction out of me,
the difference this time is I have not been taking the bait and instead of arguing just ignoring it or not even replying to the hurtful messages.
When we split up I told her I would be patient and that as long as she never moved on with someone else I would always have the hope we could work things out some day, I also said to let me know if she ever gets feelings for anyone else and at the time she said no I wont im not that harsh.
Then this morning I wake up to a message saying

''I have had feelings for someone else for the past month that's why I haven't got back with you''

I haven't replied and I don't intend to, if this was true then why wouldn't she have mentioned it sooner or invited me to talk after the 12 week and everything else I mentioned that happened during those two day together?

Could this really just be for attention/a reaction? or to try and hurt me because I have just been leaving her alone lately and not rising to any comments or arguing with her?

I don't want to be in denial I just find it hard to believe as apart from work I know she doesn't really leave the house (she lives with her mom/step dad)

I also find the timing of telling me this very strange as well

Any ideas or explanations about this behaviour or advice on what to do?
Posted 1/30/2014 4:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Luke,
Right now is a very overwhelming time for both of you. If she is off her meds her behavior is more likely to run in ways of not quite rational thinking. TO her it is rational because being someone who has had one pregnancy without meds and one pregnancy with meds. Even lower dosages make a huge difference. I don't want to be rude but it does sound like she is trying to get reactions out of you. Are her emotions seemingly stormy? When i say that i mean they change fast and quickly whether its good or bad?
She may also be confused about how she feels whats going on, or possibly even outside sources family pressure things contributing to her behavior. I would keep doing what your doing for you. Keep yourself healthy. That's the most important thing because if she has not been on her meds she has a higher likelihood for Post Postpartum Depression which is a very difficult thing for the entire family unit.
I am sorry that your having such a rough time with this though. She may not know entirely what she does or does not want. I would keep your head up. I know you want to be with her. But your this baby's father sometimes its hard to put aside the personal feelings for the other parent. But it may come to the choice of what's best for the baby or whats best for her? I know that sounds awful but its difficult when it comes to choices like that.
Congrats on becoming a father Luke. I have found being a parent is a highly rewarding job :) I hope you do as well. The important thing is what is best for you and the baby? You never know she might come around one day. But if she doesn't you still have a beautiful baby.
Sorry I know this goes on forever, but this is not the most pleasant thought. But If you have to go to court you do have the right to request or at least i know in the USA you can. For records showing that she is consistently stable. I am the bipolar parent and I have to take care of me so I can take care of my babies.
Posted 1/30/2014 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah it seems pretty unbalanced to me... as if she is using quite a rational boundary you have set against you.
It seems to me she is testing boundaries. In her irrational state she might be testing whether you are prepared to try and beg for her to come back to you. I think you have done very well to ignore the message and I would continue to. This may sound harsh but her unmanaged bipolar may have her run to the arms of another man claiming because you didn't respond, that "meant" you didn't really love her. I say it may sound harsh because the thought of someone we love being with someone else when we want to be that person can be one of the most painful of human experiences. The strength you will need to watch bipolar consume your ex and let her work her way through it is unevitably heartbreaking. Does she have family and friends who can help support you? It can help when others can see how much you love her, and how you are holding the "sane" line regardless of what she does. There are some people in my life that I care about but for what ever reason, their feelings, behaviour are two intense or harmful for me. I love my son deeply but I knew I had to send him to his fathers after he assaulted me. It hurt me more to send him to his fathers than the assault did and I haven't seen him in the last year because he feels both guilt and a sense of "abandonment"- he has intellectual disabilities. I miss him terribly and it is his choice not to see me but if I let him continue to abuse me I would have done him a huge disservice to his future relationships and what is and isn't acceptable. My health simply could not take the abuse anymore but the grief is not easy to deal with either. So when I suggest to you to hold the sensible line, it is not that I don't know the heartbreak involved but there are some not-negotiables and letting her violate those is going to mess with your head. Bipolar can create as much mental distress for people around as it can the sufferer. Keep strong, keep some distance and keep your sanity. I appreciated Walking Issues longitudinal view... babies don't stay babies forever. Babies have inhabited their mum's bodies for 9 months and the bonding with that person they are so familiar with is very important. Babies get so used to our voice, our movements, our moods when they are living inside us. Continued reassurance of that bond is vital post partum for healthy brain development. Post partum mental health issues can interrupt that bonding and it is important for the mother to get all the support, guidance (and even intevention) possible for the baby to get that bonding experience and feeling of security and nurturance. In extreme circumstances if the mother is unable to provide it, fathers or grandparents need to step in provide a small baby with a sense of stability and safety. I don't want to make this bigger than Ben Hur but you may want to research supports in your area if things go more haywire after bubby is born and talk to her family and your family and both sets of friends. It is good to have contingency plans in place, and not have to use them, than be lost in midst of chaos with not idea where to turn if things turn very ugly. It is worth exploring what meds she might be able to take and when during her pregnancy and what meds she can take while breastfeeding, and what meds she may take in the post-lactation period. She may need breaks from the baby because bipolar does not help manage the intense stress and hormonal changes that comes with a newborn. Encourage her to seek counselling in the pregnancy that she can continue through the post natal phase. If your ex doesn't take care of herself to take care of the child, you may need to be a more hands on Daddy, which you seem quite prepared for. One step at a time, but prepare well and it will be easier when the time comes. It is always hectic... babies turn our lives upside down and life is never the same again... but it is a richer more meaningful life. How about you catch up with your mates and engage in common pasttimes that connect you (not drinking or drugging), get involved in new hobbies, give yourself a mental break at times. Do things that take your full concentration. Escape into movies... You seem like a good man Luke. Try to remember life can be fun and carefree too... and bring some periods of lightheartedness into your life if you can.

(Boozing with your mates... that will make you less able to handle stress okay! lol).
Posted 1/30/2014 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Luke,

Since you have been ignoring her, she may be trying to get your attention. She may also want to see your reaction hence the reason she's sending those type of messages. It's good that you're giving her some space. Hopefully she will come around and settle down.

Did she stop her meds on her own or did a doctor advice her? Although you're pregnant, it is recommended to talk to your doctor. Stopping the meds can cause a relapse. There are women who go without meds during pregnancy, however, they visit and keep in contact with their psychiatrist.

Do remember to take care of yourself too.

UA
Posted 2/5/2014 11:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone and thanks again, so literally the day after I received that message and ignored it, she rang me the following afternoon crying saying it wasn't true and she was just saying it to hurt me and she doesn't want to do that anymore, she said she wants a family more than anything and is terrified of the idea of raising the baby as a single parent, I say we should talk more face to face and maybe we can start to fix things together.
The next day she is texting me much more positively saying she has hopes for the future about us and I'm starting to feel happy again at this point, I go swimming later that night and feeling tired decide to have an early night and go to bed around midnight (early for me).
I get a message at 1am suggesting baby names then one a little later asking if I was ok, me being asleep I was obviously unable to reply, then at 3am the mood switches and I get a message saying "you expect me to trust you ha ha"
This messages wakes me up and I ask her what the problem is explaining I was asleep but she says you know what and just leave it I can't do this anymore it's making me "ill" the next day at work I try and speak to her and she says she just needs space which I give to her and leave her be. That was last Thursday and on Monday there was an appointment with the midwife she wanted to go with her mum instead of me which I didn't complain about just wanting to give her space.
The midwife wants her back on her tablets as she has been waking up having panic attacks.
Her appointment with her bi polar doctor is brought forward to the next day (Tuesday) and I don't know what has been said to her but it seems to have triggered something because the next day she comes into work much happier but still I leave her alone not speaking to her once, then later that night she texts me and is in a good mood but the minute I mention us she says it's over for sure I definitely am not going to change my mind I know I won't feel any different.
I mention how can she know how she will feel in 6 months and when she's back on her tablets and she admits she cannot see the future but does not want to lead me on. After talking on the phone trying to reason with her and explain and remind her how much of a happy relationship we had up until the pregnancy and her not being on any medication but she just goes quiet and all she really says is that when she has a week off (next week) she won't be taking her phone or anything like that and is going to see her dad and says she will sit and think long and hard and let me know how she feels afterwards. I say ok and we've not spoke since.
I sent one message this morning with a lot of happy photos of us together and simply said "when your off next week remember how you felt in these photos, this is the real us"
No reply though.
I was feeling so bad at work today and there have even been times where I have thought if there was a button I could push when I went to bed so that I never had to wake up again I would of pushed it by now, just to finally be free of this pain everyday.
So at work I decided this can't be healthy and get myself an emergency appointment at my local doctors and after explaining everything he advises counselling but unfortunately the earliest date is the 24th February, I've also been prescribed with 10mg Amitriptyline to help with sleep.

I don't know what to do I still love her very much and really want a family together, but it's getting to the. Point where I'm becoming physically and mentally ill now so I don't know if I should just try and take a step back or accept that it's over and try to let go of her and move on, which I really don't want to do.
Posted 2/6/2014 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
Q: how is she holding it together at work? and how is she interacting with other colleagues, her family and friends? is it just you who is being picked out for this specialised head f'ing? I think the answer lies not in what to do in relation to this woman, as we only have 50% control over the directions of relationships, but making the conscious decision to put less weighting on this relationship. Sure she is carrying your child, you love her and you want to be a family, but things are just way too murky at this time to be able to work through. With her brain chemicals all out of whack, probably the worst thing she could do right now is "go away and think". Her brain is not her friend right now. She needs to have lots of support - medical and social - and do you due to the fall out from the original problems. There will be good days, there will be bad days but there will be no definitive and reliable answer to your relationship until she is stabilised and you get yourself back to a healthy place regardless of what she does. You both may need to get through this time as individuals in order to be able to get through this time as a couple, if that makes sense.
Posted 2/6/2014 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
She gets on fine with everyone at work but has admitted that she does put a front up and it's not how she really is feeling, I know her mum has had her being a bit nasty to her as well but yes generally it seems like it's just me that is getting my head messed with
Posted 2/6/2014 3:08 AM (GMT 0)
So even though her chemicals are messed up, she is able to control her behaviour, hold it together for work and only lashes out at those close to her. Take whatever you will from that. I think you are doing well to focus on medication and counselling for you. Disengage a bit. Find happiness somehow, even in short bursts. I'm sad to say this is the easy part. To have so much going on and the stress of a new baby, I know from experience is hell. If I had my time over again, I would broaden out my life during the pregnancy, not shrink it like I did. Hope I'm helping in some way. Unfortunately, I can't take away the pain of the situation. Relationships can be really painful. Breakups can be really painful. And not even knowing which camp you fall into creates more psychological damage than a rough patch or a breakup.
Posted 2/6/2014 12:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Luke,

You are moving in the right direction. I'm glad you visit the doctor and he advised counseling. I'm sorry that you couldn't get an earlier appointment. However, if you feel the need to talk, you can also call one the hotlines from your country and speak to someone. They are very helpful. Please also feel free to post here as it helps.

I hope this trip will give your friend some time to think and when she returns she will be able to tell you what she wants.

Hang in there. Things will get better but it will take some time. Remember you'll be a daddy soon :-) You have this to look forward to... yeah

Take Care

UA
Posted 2/6/2014 3:00 PM (GMT 0)
I hope so but I honestly don't think so, as the earlier post said her brain is not her friend right now, the way she thinks is very irrational, and she can rarely be reasoned with.

The sad thing is I'm actually not looking forward to becoming a dad at the moment, she recently said I can't stay at her house during my 1 month paternity leave because she will feel awkward, even though there is a guest room there.
So now I'm constantly worrying I won't be able to pass my driving test and save up for a car in time.
And even if I do she lives 30 miles away so if I want to see the baby that's 420 miles a week driving and around £140 in fuel, money that could be far better spent on things for the baby.
I know when I'm there I'm just going to be stressed and upset and I know the baby will pick up on that kind of thing so at the moment I'm not looking forward to it at all.
I just try and get through the day...
Posted 2/6/2014 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
"she wants a family more than anything and is terrified of the idea of raising the baby as a single parent, I say we should talk more face to face and maybe we can start to fix things together.
The next day she is texting me much more positively saying she has hopes for the future about us and I'm starting to feel happy again at this point, I go swimming later that night and feeling tired decide to have an early night and go to bed around midnight (early for me).
I get a message at 1am suggesting baby names then one a little later asking if I was ok, me being asleep I was obviously unable to reply, then at 3am the mood switches and I get a message saying "you expect me to trust you ha ha"

Out of everything you said I find this concerning. I think that you are doing great getting all this help for yourself. And it seems to be doing really well. Maybe if this sounds harsher than what I mean I am sorry. I am big on personal responsibility. Yes, she is pregnant and yes she is off her meds. But it kinda seems like she's playing games a little. I have had both ways of pregnancies being bipolar with meds and without. Even without meds yes my moods were much worse. To me personally this seems like she being a bit manipulative.
This is my opinion, I would worry about yourself and the baby. That seems harsh and it is not an easy thing to do by any means. I would not push the getting back together.
I am sorry to pose this question to you, but do you trust her enough with or without meds to know that she is with you because she wants you and the family or because she does not want to be a single parent?
Posted 2/7/2014 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
Luke, I'm sorry you're not looking forward to becoming a dad. However, you're probably feeling this way because of the situation presently. Please try to take care of you. This baby will need his/her father and I'm sure you will be a great dad :-)

For now, just take things one step at a time.

I hope things will work out.

UA
Posted 4/7/2014 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I'm in the same boat, Luke. Keep us updated. God bless us all.
Posted 4/7/2014 6:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Me253,

Welcome to the forum :-)!
I'm glad you joined.

Please note that we kindly ask new members to take the time to introduce themselves in a new thread. This is easily done. Simply click on the "New Topic" button and the program will open a box for you to post your intro. This will help members see your first post and extend a welcome to you.

I hope to learn more about you!

UA
Posted 4/8/2014 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
It doesn't get easier. My wife told me about 3 weeks ago that she isn't in love with me anymore and that she only came back to me 2 years ago because I quilted her into it. We have 3 kids and she is staying at her moms till she can get stuff figured out. Its very tough and I wish I could tell you it gets easier but from what Ive learned and learning is its a pattern that they go through and you will either have to learn to deal with it or leave them and worry about you child. I know not all situations are the same but that is mine. Sorry man.
Posted 4/8/2014 4:59 PM (GMT 0)
So it's been a while since I've been on here, it's been a massive up and down roller coaster, she exploded at me one day at work I had never seen her so angry and after that I really thought that was it for good, after 2 weeks of not talking at all unfortunately she went into hospital with slow labor, they managed to stop this and she was discharged after a couple days. I think this was a bit of a wake up call for her and she has since been in contact with me, even apologised for certain things, and we're now in the process of starting to build a solid friendship again and seeing where that goes.
All I can say is no matter how bad things seem in my experience with enough space and time things can always change, you need to have really thick skin and a lot of patience.
To anyone going through something similar as I hard as it try not to shrink your life to be just about her and baby, this is a fast track to misery and depression.
Use this time to improve yourself and better your own life, get a new hobby or just something anything to really focus on that will make you happy.
I've recently joined a gym and started weight training 6 weeks ago and put everything into this including planning a diet and this has helped massively for myself, I've also passed my driving theory test and have my practical in 4 weeks so when July comes I'll be able to see my son more often.
Find positives in everything anyway you can each and every day, be strong it's YOUR choice to let things affect you and bring you down.
If your depressed your living in the past, if your anxious your living in the future, if you are at peace your living in the present.
You have no idea how strong you can really be until you have no other choice.
Posted 4/8/2014 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Luke,

I'm glad you posted and updated us.

I'm happy to read that you are looking at all the wonderful and positive things, and you are using this time to care for yourself. Caring for ourselves and doing these little things can really make you feel a huge difference in a good way.

Congratulations on passing the driving theory test. yeah
Good Luck with the practical. You'll do great! :-)

Keep us updated.

Take Care

UA
Posted 4/8/2014 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Luke,

I have read through all of your posts and my heart breaks for you as well as your baby's Mom.  A mental illness is a he$$ of a disorder to live with and we really do wish, in fact we pray that God will make everything fine, but it doesn't work that easily.

I am proud of you for investing time  in yourself at this time.  Keep it up and find satisfaction in knowing you are doing the best you can.  If the day comes when you have no more to give know it will be OK. You cannot surrender your life and happiness completely even when you are helping another person.

I have wondered since I started to read your story how on earth you two are able to work for the same company and does  your boss or hers not have some concerns re her behavior when she is "in your face?"

I would have a horrible time working together with the person I loved who was within my space all day long.  You are a very strong person.

Never consider falling asleep and never waking up as that is not a choice for you..................you have to much good to yet experience so know we care and keep on talking with the group here.

You will soon be driving the roads with the wind in your hair and you will feel happy.

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 5/27/2014 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
Luke,

Sorry for what you have been and are currently going thru.  I'm in a very similar situation currently, with my ex being 15 weeks pregnant, and I know it is not easy.  My ex has behaved similarly to yours and said and done a lot of the same type of things.  One day she wants us to be together, the next she doesn't, and back and forth.  I've wanted all along for us to be together and raise our child as a family.  I've not given up hope for that, but am also preparing for and facing the reality that it may not happen.  You seem to have a good head on your shoulders though and seem to be a good guy.  I wish you the best and hope and pray it all works out for you.

Post Edited (Erich1980) : 5/27/2014 6:13:49 PM (GMT-6)

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