Okay, try number 2. Sorry I got really perturbed when I couldn't get this thing to post then it said I wasnt a member. Ugghhh I am sure you know how that goes. Maybe it was trying to tell me something. Make it a short story not a novel. LOL.
So on the day of my birth.... just kidding. Well actually. I was given up for adoption on the day I was born. Started with a new family by day 3. I think I have been carrying a feeling of abandonment since that day. A sense of loss if you may. By my teen years I suffered from chronic depression countered by episodes of self harm. Believing a life of torment is what I had deserved. Abused physically and emotionally by my adopted mother why would I think any other way. My father knew of this and yet never really did anything about it. To me that was worse. I have an older brother and 3 other younger siblings. All of whom have undergone some form of abuse throughout their childhood.
It wasn't until college that I tried to come out of my shell. I actually became friends with a range of different people. Some good, some bad. I developed this egotistical nature. Though not overwhelming just enough to allow me to excel in most of my college career and even attempt my high thrill stunts. I believed I was somehow able to predict the future even what questions would be so I could prepare for them. Some people even now believe I have some sort of psychic ability. I know the truth. In my quiet realm I studied each persons movements and faces, a change in their voice, their attitudes. It is this that I use to make a prediction of their next action. I met a friend, her name was Stephanie. This was my first real friend. We talked all the time. about anything and everything. We ended up taking a few classes together and would study together. She had even gone on a spring break with me to meet my family. We built a stronger friendship over the couple years that I knew her, before cancer took her from me. I pulled myself away from her when she was diagnosed, created a barrier. I didn't even see her the day she died as I had promised. I will carry the guilt of my inactions with me every day for the rest of my life.
I started to crawl back into myself. Wouldn't even look out into the world for months. Didn't eat and barely breathed for a long time. Made several attempts at ending it to no avail. Not only guilt but failure forever rests itself upon my shoulders. I moved. Thought I could run away from everyone. Moved to be with my favorite half of my family. Got a job and a month or so later a apartment to call my own. I did okay for a month or so, before everything crashed down yet again. A guy I had been talking too online kept insisting he come from Europe to live with me. Maybe even get married. I tried to hide from him, but couldn't. Then one day I agreed. A couple months later when his temporary visa was about to expire he asked me to marry him. I told him I couldnt. But eventually did give in because it was nice to have someone again. Not comparable to my friend, but close enough. I wasn't sure if I loved him. Now I do know I never really did. I kept seeking help from different docs trying to find peace in my mind. Even now I continued to get worse. I was either in trouble or in trouble. I made another attempt. Looking back now I never received any help from him. He consistently used my actions against me. One good thing did come out of our marriage. My little man. He is almost 3. Smart as a whip too.
We are divorced now. He doesnt pay support or insurance for our son. He rarely sees him. He made threats to kidnap him and take him overseas where I will never see him again. So I had a restraining order put on him. Now that is expired. I live in fear everyday that he will try. But then I also realize that it was an act against me, not an act out of love for his son. He wasnt even there when my boy was severely ill and I was home alone with him. He was with his new girl while we were married 18 out of 24 hours everyday. He had convinced me I was crazy or paranoid. That he wasnt doing anything. But the calls kept coming. I knew he was, but could I be losing my mind? I saw more and more doctors who kept throwing out more and more meds. I didn't even know who I was anymore.
Then finally I had had enough. My son and I left.
Through all of this and even the years after Steph's death. I have never had a friend to talk too. Then it seemed I was beginning a friendship with a coworker who happened to be my manager at work. Only for that to come to a grinding halt when everything personal I had told her everyone else in the workplace now knows. It was just for her own good and for gossip that she would listen to me. I was the only one who called she never called me and never responded to emails either. I guess it just took me a long time to figure it out.
Today I struggle. I still struggle with things of the past and even the on goings of today. But I survive. Though there aren't many days that I cant go but a few minutes without wanting to throw in the towel. My work performance is good, but my attitude is horrid. Some of which has to do with what is currently going on there. The other is just that I have a hard time working with people who are lazy and frauds. I try to hide my frustration I try to ignore it, but I cant. I know I can't expect them to work at my pace but at least at half the pace would suffice. The atmosphere is strange and my trust for anyone has diminished almost to nonexistence once again.
I am considering group therapy where the doc can see me inbetween for med checks. I like this doc she does therapy too and also suffers from bipolar disorder. We got along fine on the intial visit, but then I lost support and insurance and couldnt see her again. She keeps emailing me about group and scholarship assistance which I am considering but I have a hard time with people especially groups of people in general. I usually freak out and never return saying there was something wrong with the group, not me. But we shall see.
On top of all this I suffer from chronic pain, headaches, high blood pressure, low thyroid, and asthma. Now I have started with a rash on my face that gets really bad when I am in the sun. I have been talking about this in the Lupus forum. I am so scared to see a doc about it because they all think I am a loon and treat me as such, literally. Everything is related to the fibromyalgia they see. Even though I have no trigger points. I was diagnosed with fibro the second the neurologist heard I had a history of bipolar disorder. She stopped the exam right in the middle. I don't trust the dx any more than I trust any doctors at this point.
So for now that is my story. I hope I didn't bore you. I left out plenty as it can be harmful and hard to bear.
thanks,
bloo